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Friday, January 1, 2010

CNAMB Presents: The Two Worst Films of 2009 - Plus One

Well, it’s “twen-tey ten,” but I’m not completely finished with 2009 just yet. Seeing as I did my best of the year and am working on doing the very daunting best of the decade, I figured why not share my two least favorite (or worst) films of 2009 (I do have an honorable mention that did not come out in 2009, but more on that later).

The reason I only have two films is simple, I didn’t see enough bad movies that came out in 2009. Is that a bad thing? Of course not – I would like to think I am smart enough to avoid wasting my time with anything I think will be a poor use of my precious movie watching time. There’s no way in hell I am throwing away 90 minutes of my life and money on Couples Retreat or The Ugly Truth (unless for some pig’s flying reason that I hear great things), when there is a bevy of classic cinema to be discovered and viewed.

Maybe after I catch up with a few more movies from the year that is now past us, I will have more, but for now, the first movie to suck the life right outta my ass was…

2. Halloween 2! (Or H2 if you enjoy BK or KFC)

worst

Now, H2 was a pile of dreek and one of the few movies that got a really bad review from a very forgiving me since I started doing reviews. Still, it isn’t the worst movie ever, there was some very crafty skills on display here and Zombie can make a movie…to a point. He has a very keen eye and can portray an appealing grittiness in his films and he does it quite well with H2. The first act was actually solid, with Myers doing some seriously brutal damage to a few characters in the nicely crafted hospital setting. I also liked the “bear” version of Michael Myers too – not in comparison to the original, of course, but as a kinda cool, kinda different looking Slasher star, the woodsman look was quite appealing and a nice change of pace.

So what’s the problem then? Zombie goes too far into his trashy world and instead of keeping things on the right path, he veers off into these annoying stylistic choices that have always been a staple of his films, a staple of his films that serves no propose other than to be “extra trashy.” Takes me right out of what he is doing and I have grown increasingly tired of it. An even bigger problem with H2 is the awful story telling. Characters serve so little purpose and are there just to fill space and time. There’s this whole paranormal aspect with Mrs. Myers that is just borderline ridiculous and creates some seriously lame moments in a film that has no need to be any more than a simple Slasher movie. Also, while I liked how Myers looked, there is no sort of threat to the lead characters in this film at all as they have no clue that a killer is walking the earth to slay them…he literally spends the films entire running time making his way back to Haddonfield, occasionally running into useless characters created just to have some one to kill.

Christ, I don’t even know why I am spending so much time even talking about this one…I did a review from when it came out. So check it out for the full Monty.

Review of Halloween 2

Now, as bad and as much as I disliked Halloween 2, I could still see myself watching it again at some point in the future. A film that I saw this year that I will never willingly watch again and the worst movie of the year that I saw by far, is…

1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine!

worst2

Okay, I am a huge fan of the first two X-Men films and the second one in particular is one of the best comic book based movies I have seen. The third one is pretty weak, but okay enough that I can at least watch it in all its messy glory. One of my favorite Marvel characters is Wolverine and I think Hugh Jackman has taken that role and perfectly made it his own. So when I see that there is a Wolverine film, I am excited, even though I know it may kinda hurt a little.

Wolverine didn’t kinda hurt at all, in fact, it took every bit of my being and made number two all over it, then proceeded to pee on it for the rest of the movies runtime. I actually liked the first act of of this one too, which had a very cool opening credit sequence and a nice little Wolverine livin’ in the woods storyline going on. That was all set up however, set up for some of the worst filmed action, the worst created computer generated imagery, and the some of the worst scenes I have ever been a witness to.

The big turning point in this pile of used tampons is when the “no point to it at all except to make me puke” boxing scene with Blob happens. I think it was meant to be comedic, but it fails in every sense of the word and is an aspect not needed or benefiting to any sort of X-Men story. There is a complete misuse of a perfectly good character in Gambit and to go with that, the fight scenes are some of the most horrendous ever put to film. And to even go with that, the CGI is incredibly embarrassing and I cannot comprehend that throughout 3 X-Men films, Wolverine's claws never really looked fake, but in his own origin story, they look faker then a set of stripper tits…when they are first revealed no less!

Ya know what? I’m spending way too much time on this one too, so I’ll move on…the more I think about X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the more I wanna run head first into Kirstie Alley covered in fry batter.

And there you have it – my worst films from 2009 and while it is only two, it is more than e-fucking-nough to drive me up a wall. Now, since I only brought you two films that eat balls, I will tack on a film, not from 2009, but one that I saw this year and is by far the one I hated the most (though it’s only barely a little more than Wolverine).

The worst movie I watched in 2009 goes to…

1.5 Automaton Transfusion!

automaton

I’m not going to waste anytime going into this one – I wrote a pretty unhappy review for it and maybe you already read that yourself, if not, I shall provide proper linkage. I will just say that, I am a very forgiving film fan and one that enjoys all sorts of sleaze and trash, but with that comes a need for the films that fill those requirements to be entertaining in some capacity. If a film can bring something to the table, even if it’s something to make fun of, you will more than likely have my support. If a movie exists just for the sake of playing the crappy emo/hardcore hybrid music and to be self-referential to the point that nothing is your own, then you ain’t got me in your corner.

Automaton Transfusion, you can eat a swine flu filled cock.

Review of Automaton Transfusion

I’m beat…hope you had some enjoyment out of my displeasure, though I guess it could have been worse, I could’ve went to see 2012, but duped by that one I shall not be.

16 comments:

  1. The Ugly Truth is one of the worst movies I have ever seen. Gerard Butler does not work as a leading man and EVERY single joke was a cliche. I felt like I was being water boarded in Guantanamo Bay. Many thanks to my fiance for that one.

    God I hated Wolverine so much. The explosion with Wolvie flying through the air towards the helicopter was laugh out loud funny.

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  2. Oh man, you actually had to watch The Ugly Truth?! You poor thing! Why am I not surprised it was awful!

    Wolverine was just plain terrible and the helicopter scene was just one of many that ate dog shit in that movie. The whole ending fight scene was the most painfully shot CGI fight scene I have ever witnessed!

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  3. I actually liked Halloween 2. I thought the kills were great. The metaphors were hysterical. And Rob Zombie continually shows improvement as a director. I can't really argue away some of the valid complaints such as the annoying trailer trash scenes and lame characters, but overall I thought it wasn't that bad. And had more to offer slasher-wise than MBV3D or Friday the 13th reboot. Thats just me though.

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  4. As much as I think H2 was a total mess on every single level, I hated Friday the 13th even more. H2 was awful--randomly pretentious, often offensive, completely hateful, wanted to have a twist ending but didn't ahve the guts to actually twist it, had no sense of place at any point in filming--and yet still, I respect it more than F13, which had NO EXPECTATION to meet (since no matter how nostalgic you are, you can't actually claim any of the previous F13s were more than 2.5 star films) and yet STILL couldn't summon one ounce of energy for its audience. Bleh.

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  5. I haven't seen H2, but if it's anywhere as bad as F13th, it must be one of the worst of the year easily.

    I have also heard Wolverine was hilariously bad (though not so funny it should be seen). I won't be watching it. I will watch H2 though, y'know, just to.

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  6. Kev: I do not even completely hate the movie, it does have some super brutal and nasty kills, though they do get a little monotonous, I did like how much business was meant with each swing of the knife.

    As a director, Zombie has such a great vision, it just gets bogged down with his "other" style that was most prevalent in House of 1000 Corpses. There is some truly impressive film making in H2 and I will 100% back up Zombie as a talent, when others say he is completely terrible, just because he remade a classic.

    I think he suffers from trying too hard syndrome and that is where he just takes what is working perfectly and throws shit on it because he thinks it adds something...or like he has to be a certain amount of trashy to satisfy people, like they expect it.

    Still, he is one I enjoy and even his less than stellar films are enjoyable in one way or another...and I still think The Devils Rejects is fantastic. I will always look forward to what he does next. Thanks for the comment!

    Emily: I like the Friday franchise more than you do, but I do agree that in general, most of the films in the series are about a 2.5, but not all. Then again, I am the only person that seems to love part 7, so whatever that says!

    I enjoyed the F13 remake for what it was - didn't love it, but it was serviceable for me. I'll probably never buy it on DVD unless it was only like $5, so that kinda says something, but I think my expectations were what they should have been for a Friday film...which is low.

    I think I had higher expectations from H2 because I did enjoy the theatrical cut of Halloween and I thought once they got that back story out of the way, the murderer could play.

    You hit on something with the twist ending that wasn't a twist ending...the movie has so much balls, yet, it didn't have enough balls to go all the way and finish what it started. It should have gone one way, or another, but it stayed right in the middle and ended up being a complete mess. I am curious as to how the directors cut will be different though.

    GGG!: Stay as far away from Wolverine as you possibly can! Even having both H2 and Wolverine on the same list is unfair to H2, that is how bad Wolverine is.

    Even though I didn't like H2 very much, it is still one I wouldn't steer any horror fan away from - it is certainly worth a viewing just because it is what it is. I know most hated it, but there were a few people that did actually like it and as I said, there is some great cinematography to be had and the take on Myers is pretty cool.

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  7. I like Friday 13th part 7! Doesn't that have the sleeping bag kill?

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  8. WOLVERINE was so irresponsibly bad it will be one of 3 Marvel movies I refuse to own on DVD (along with Man Thing and Electra). Shite. Still havent given H2 a chance, will check it out when it inevitably lands on DVD for $1

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  9. Well, I do think the idea of Carrie vs. Jason in Part VII is kind of adorable. For whatever reason, I just never get into that film. Maybe it's just because it doesn't hold a birthday candle to the awesomeness that is part VIII.

    And I considered renting the H2 DVD just to see if Zombie recut the twist ending, but I've heard the disc is surprisingly scant on extras or even extended footage. Maybe he just gave up.

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  10. Kev: That would be the one! Certainly one of the best Friday kills and even when it showed up again in Jason X...it was still awesome!

    Carl: Ha ha...it's definitely worth it for $1! I have never actually seen Electra and I never plane to either. Man Thing is one I tried to watch and quickly gave up on. For me, I would add Ghost Rider to that list of Marvel gone bad.

    Emily: I just love it for some reason...one of my favorite of the series. I would love to see the "fully" uncut version of the film, but I doubt that will ever happen, unfortunately.

    That's a surprise about the H2 DVD with all of Zombies other films having crazy good extras and those super long behind the scenes docs. So maybe you're right on him giving up?

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  11. Thank goodness I haven't seen either Wolfie and Hobo Michael. I did see Automton Crapfusion....ugh and uber ugh...what a snoozefest for sure.

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  12. "Automaton Transfusion, you can eat a swine flu filled cock."

    I may have to borrow that line some day. Classic!

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  13. Jaded: I am as forgiving as it gets, but Automaton TransPOOHsion just left an awful taste in my mouth and the "To Be Continued" ending didn't help any either. It is just one of those movies that the longer I think about it, the more I hate it!

    GD: Thanks and you can certainly use it whenever you find it necessary!

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  14. i hated AT but at least it was made by kids with no $. Wolvie was a huge shit on an established character & mythos. It had some of the absolute worst CG I've seen (regardless of budget), it makes no sense in the context of the other X films & it had Will I Am in it.
    The Claws looked like a place holder rather than a finished piece of CG.
    H2 i've not seen but im sure one day i'll get around to seeing it (still not seen H1)

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  15. When it comes to films, I can be highly discerning and just plain dismissive. Rarely am I ever wrong about how much I'm not gonna like a movie I had no interest in seeing in the first place. I realized this years ago when I mistakenly went to some girly-girl slumber party as a tot and they all wanted to see some shit movie based on the fact that Halle Berry was in it. The experience still makes me see red and want to puss all over their heavily blushed tween faces...

    So to say, I'm glad I wasted goose egg bills on all the above. Eventually I'll see H2 but because the 3rd X-Men movie so SO BAD IT HURT, I have no interest in the Wolverine one.

    That last one: another direct to DVD? I'm gonna read your review...

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  16. Vish: You are right...the makers of Wolverine were given money to make that pile of cat shit. And a lot of money too!

    I didn't even get into the fact that Will I Am is in it and I hate him with such a passion too! So it's probably good that I left him out or there would have been two more paragraphs!

    Ashlee: I feel the same way...if I think it's going to be shit, it probably will be and the movies I wanna avoid most are the fluff Hollywood ones and Wolverine falls right into that category. Wolverine makes X3 look like the greatest movie ever made, it's sooo bad!

    And yeah, Automaton is a direct to DVD release. I actually blind bought it, unfortunately and I even heard pretty good things about it from other horror websites. They were all lying about it being good. Jerks.

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