Well, it’s “twen-tey ten,” but I’m not completely finished with 2009 just yet. Seeing as I did my best of the year and am working on doing the very daunting best of the decade, I figured why not share my two least favorite (or worst) films of 2009 (I do have an honorable mention that did not come out in 2009, but more on that later).
The reason I only have two films is simple, I didn’t see enough bad movies that came out in 2009. Is that a bad thing? Of course not – I would like to think I am smart enough to avoid wasting my time with anything I think will be a poor use of my precious movie watching time. There’s no way in hell I am throwing away 90 minutes of my life and money on Couples Retreat or The Ugly Truth (unless for some pig’s flying reason that I hear great things), when there is a bevy of classic cinema to be discovered and viewed.
Maybe after I catch up with a few more movies from the year that is now past us, I will have more, but for now, the first movie to suck the life right outta my ass was…
2. Halloween 2! (Or H2 if you enjoy BK or KFC)
Now, H2 was a pile of dreek and one of the few movies that got a really bad review from a very forgiving me since I started doing reviews. Still, it isn’t the worst movie ever, there was some very crafty skills on display here and Zombie can make a movie…to a point. He has a very keen eye and can portray an appealing grittiness in his films and he does it quite well with H2. The first act was actually solid, with Myers doing some seriously brutal damage to a few characters in the nicely crafted hospital setting. I also liked the “bear” version of Michael Myers too – not in comparison to the original, of course, but as a kinda cool, kinda different looking Slasher star, the woodsman look was quite appealing and a nice change of pace.
So what’s the problem then? Zombie goes too far into his trashy world and instead of keeping things on the right path, he veers off into these annoying stylistic choices that have always been a staple of his films, a staple of his films that serves no propose other than to be “extra trashy.” Takes me right out of what he is doing and I have grown increasingly tired of it. An even bigger problem with H2 is the awful story telling. Characters serve so little purpose and are there just to fill space and time. There’s this whole paranormal aspect with Mrs. Myers that is just borderline ridiculous and creates some seriously lame moments in a film that has no need to be any more than a simple Slasher movie. Also, while I liked how Myers looked, there is no sort of threat to the lead characters in this film at all as they have no clue that a killer is walking the earth to slay them…he literally spends the films entire running time making his way back to Haddonfield, occasionally running into useless characters created just to have some one to kill.
Christ, I don’t even know why I am spending so much time even talking about this one…I did a review from when it came out. So check it out for the full Monty.
Now, as bad and as much as I disliked Halloween 2, I could still see myself watching it again at some point in the future. A film that I saw this year that I will never willingly watch again and the worst movie of the year that I saw by far, is…
1. X-Men Origins: Wolverine!
Okay, I am a huge fan of the first two X-Men films and the second one in particular is one of the best comic book based movies I have seen. The third one is pretty weak, but okay enough that I can at least watch it in all its messy glory. One of my favorite Marvel characters is Wolverine and I think Hugh Jackman has taken that role and perfectly made it his own. So when I see that there is a Wolverine film, I am excited, even though I know it may kinda hurt a little.
Wolverine didn’t kinda hurt at all, in fact, it took every bit of my being and made number two all over it, then proceeded to pee on it for the rest of the movies runtime. I actually liked the first act of of this one too, which had a very cool opening credit sequence and a nice little Wolverine livin’ in the woods storyline going on. That was all set up however, set up for some of the worst filmed action, the worst created computer generated imagery, and the some of the worst scenes I have ever been a witness to.
The big turning point in this pile of used tampons is when the “no point to it at all except to make me puke” boxing scene with Blob happens. I think it was meant to be comedic, but it fails in every sense of the word and is an aspect not needed or benefiting to any sort of X-Men story. There is a complete misuse of a perfectly good character in Gambit and to go with that, the fight scenes are some of the most horrendous ever put to film. And to even go with that, the CGI is incredibly embarrassing and I cannot comprehend that throughout 3 X-Men films, Wolverine's claws never really looked fake, but in his own origin story, they look faker then a set of stripper tits…when they are first revealed no less!
Ya know what? I’m spending way too much time on this one too, so I’ll move on…the more I think about X-Men Origins: Wolverine, the more I wanna run head first into Kirstie Alley covered in fry batter.
And there you have it – my worst films from 2009 and while it is only two, it is more than e-fucking-nough to drive me up a wall. Now, since I only brought you two films that eat balls, I will tack on a film, not from 2009, but one that I saw this year and is by far the one I hated the most (though it’s only barely a little more than Wolverine).
The worst movie I watched in 2009 goes to…
1.5 Automaton Transfusion!
I’m not going to waste anytime going into this one – I wrote a pretty unhappy review for it and maybe you already read that yourself, if not, I shall provide proper linkage. I will just say that, I am a very forgiving film fan and one that enjoys all sorts of sleaze and trash, but with that comes a need for the films that fill those requirements to be entertaining in some capacity. If a film can bring something to the table, even if it’s something to make fun of, you will more than likely have my support. If a movie exists just for the sake of playing the crappy emo/hardcore hybrid music and to be self-referential to the point that nothing is your own, then you ain’t got me in your corner.
Automaton Transfusion, you can eat a swine flu filled cock.
I’m beat…hope you had some enjoyment out of my displeasure, though I guess it could have been worse, I could’ve went to see 2012, but duped by that one I shall not be.