Lady Terminator (1989): Hasta la vista, penis

Well before there was ever a "Terminatrix," there was Lady Terminator, and while Lady Terminator (1989) is a rip-off of the 1984 Sci-Fi Horror classic, The Terminator, it's somewhat ironic and funny to know that it was an Indonesian rip-off action film that would be the first to bring a female Terminator to the screen. Both Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and Lady Terminator would use their female antagonist as the main selling point, and both would do so to amp up the sex appeal of what was started in The Terminator. That's how you make money folks… big guns, big hair, big tits, but the only one that actually shows the tits is the only one that matters.

Lady Terminator takes out the Science Fiction elements found in its "inspiration," and replaces them with an origin story filled with some whacked out Indonesian folklore. This Lady Terminator is not sent from the future to change history, instead, she is an anthropologist who becomes possessed by the legendary Indonesian goddess, the Queen of the South Sea, for vengeful purposes. From what we learn in the film's opening, the queen - who has some seriously hot armpit hair – bones a ton of dudes in the hopes that she can find a man who can actually satisfy her deep sexual needs. When her suitor doesn’t satisfy the queen, THE EEL THAT LIVES IN HER VAGINA chomps the man's dick off, just as he is in mid-climax. Basically, she dick-capitates them and they bleed to death. Could be a worse way to go out, I suppose.

The queen runs into a bit of trouble one day when one of her suitors gets the best of her and 'snatches' the eel from her ever open cubby hole. For some reason, the eel turns into a knife, but I don't know why it turns into a knife; he doesn't stab her with it or anything, it just changes, so whatever. Anyway, the queen - pissed and without her vagina eel - curses the man's great-granddaughter (as opposed to him or his daughter), which brings us back (or forward?) to the present and to the motive of the possessed anthropologist aka Lady Terminator!

being an obvious rip-off, Lady Terminator takes many key scenes and ideas from the original Terminator. However, it does put its own sexual spin on things, like, instead of a naked Arnold forcefully taking the cloths from a couple of biker dudes, a naked Lady Terminator dick-capitates these two drunk guys, then takes one of their leather jackets to cover up her excellent titties. While the film sort of rolls off its sexual elements, unlike many Exploitation films from the 70s and 80s, Lady Terminator doesn't feel quite as dirty for some reason. Most films from that era used sex in a much harsher way, while Lady Terminator plays things so ridiculously that it makes the sexual aspects silly and goofy, but still oh so very fun. 

There are many hysterical and cheese filled moments in the film, and they come from all directions without any warning whatsoever. There's a disco dance scene that is just to die for; there is a Budnick (who was in T2) look-alike, complete with a red mullet and intense sexual appeal; there are cop cars that look as if they came from the junkyard, and of course, there's the amazing character interactions which result in some of cinema’s finest dialogue.

Here are a few choice moments of the powerful dialogue for you reading pleasure:

"American Express is after my blood again…my checks are bouncing like yo-yos!"

Or, my favorite cop conversation:

"Anything to eat?"

"Just hotdogs"

"I really hate hotdogs (blasphemy!)"

"Listen, Jack and I have seen more dead bodies than you have eaten hotdogs, so shut up and eat!"

*Men smile and giggle with each other in a homoerotic way*

Seriously, it just doesn't get better than that, now does it? The answer is no.

Considering this is a Lady Terminator review, I have thus far neglected to get into the Lady Terminator herself (because if I get into her, she may chomp my dick off). As the tagline suggests, 'She mates, then she Terminates' and she does so with wicked style and sass. Her look is fitting to the times (the 80s), and while being quite attractive, her Roseanne Roseannadanna hair style and pants so high they could double as a brazier, make for a look that can only be pulled off by a woman with a bear trap for a vag. Barbara Anne Constable plays the part of the titular Lady Terminator, and as it turns out, this was her only acting gig, which is unfortunate because she is quite attractive and plays the mostly silent character as well as one could expect from this type of film. More importantly, however, is that she keeps up with the many action scenes very convincingly.

Speaking of the action, it is just that that would be the highlight of Lady Terminator. While the film starts off a little slow, there is plenty of silly dialogue and T&A to hold one over until the wild and bloody action starts up. And when it starts up, it starts up strong and keeps going, only to lull for cock-chomps or convos about hotdogs. Every character in Lady Terminator doesn't have just a gun, they have fully automatic weapons. In addition, cars aren't made of steel, instead, they are crafted out of paper-mache and dynamite, and boy do they blow up really good. The action in Lady Terminator is pure insanity, and to be totally honest, ramps up any action found in any of the "real" Terminator films as far as quantity goes, even if many of the set pieces are stolen from The Terminator.

Like with most Indonesian action flicks from the 1980s, 1989's Lady Terminator is ridiculous, sure, but it is also so much fun and completely entertaining from start to finish. If you love a fun action film with over the top explosions and bloody gun battles, while enjoying a plate full of melted cheese sprinkled with some sexy Indonesian ladies showing their vitamin D's, then Lady Terminator is the film for you.