Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Leaving Your Lights on and Not Answering the Door

Of all the many egregiously awful things one can do to a child on Halloween night, none is worse than leaving your front porch light on and not actually answering the door. Like, at what point in your day did you think to yourself, “hey, fuck Halloween and making kids happy with delicious treats, let’s skip it this year. In fact, let’s not only skip it, we’ll go ahead and leave the lights on so those little bastards think we are actually passing out candy!”

Listen, every single second of Halloween night is precious, and the fact that you are wasting a solid 3 minutes of a child’s time by tricking them into coming to your house, for no reason at all, when they could be at the “cool” house, makes you a turd of the worst kind. For your sins, I hope you suffer the worst that Halloween has to offer, including but not limited to: your house being toilet papered, egged, peed on, and burned down to the ground. With you in it.

Bad Trick Or Treat Ideas: Religious Propaganda

Look, I have no beef with whatever you’re into. You do you the best you can, so long as you keep it to yourself. However, the second you push your agenda on me – as opposed to giving me a variety of king-sized treats – well, you, me and a dozen eggs are gonna have some words.

Giving me some religious propaganda on Halloween is not going to make me convert; it’s not going to make me think; and it’s certainly not going to make me happy, so keep that shit to yourself and go out and buy a few boxes of king-size Snickers before I leave a king-size flaming turd on your doorstep.

Bad Trick Or Treat Ideas: Canned Goods

If there’s one thing I’m NOT doing on Halloween night, it’s collecting cans for the homeless. I am, however, at your front door begging – BEGGING – for treats. If you think a can of Progresso Reduced Sodium Italian-Style Wedding with Meatballs is gonna cut the mustard, you’re dead wrong. If you plan on passing out a few cans of baked beans because you were too lazy to go to the store and pick up some candy, just remember this: canned goods are perfect for breaking car windows. Especially yours. While you’re driving. On the highway. 

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Candy Corn

Candy Corn: that white, orange and yellow “treat” that makes an appearance every Halloween season has become the bane of numerous people across this great country. Year after year, Candy Corn shows up in countless homes, only to be discarded after sitting in a dusty glass dish three months after Halloween has passed.

Made up entirely of corn syrup and sugar, no other candy is associated with Halloween more than Candy Corn.

Wait a second... let’s break that fact down a bit:

• “Made up entirely of corn syrup and sugar” - Corn syrup and sugar happen to be two ingredients that I love.

• “No other candy is associated with Halloween more than Candy Corn.” - Hey, I love Halloween and everything about it!

Actually, you know what? I like candy corn. From it’s eye-appealing Fall colors to its sugary ingredients, Candy Corn is the candy manifestation of Halloween. Show some respect, ya filthy animal!

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Bag of Popcorn

Hey, I like popcorn as much as the next person, but trying to pass off 3¢ worth of stale air as a Halloween “treat” is simply unacceptable. I take no issue with spending an evening rotting my teeth out whilst chowing down on the copious candy goodies there are to be had, but I have absolutely no desire to spend said evening picking kernels out of them. Plus, I’d much rather not eat a snack that you dished out with you bare, filth-covered hand.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Baked Goods

I love me a freshly baked batch of cookies. An apple pie right out of the oven? No doubt I’m all over that shit. Baked goods are called ‘goods’ for a reason, and that’s because they are good, so long as they are made by people like your mother, grandmother or aunt. A perfect stranger, on the other hand, well… I’ll pass. I appreciate that you took the time to whip up a delicious treat for the kiddies on Halloween. Your effort is valliant and all, but why should I risk the chance that you’re the cat lady whose main baking ingredient is cat hair, cat pee or a little of both?

Speaking of pee, how can I trust that you wash your hands on the regular? How do I know you didn’t whip your ass, pick your nose, take out an old tampon, or all of the above at some point during your baking process? Who do you think I am, Miss Cleo?! Because if I was, I would simply avoid your house all together. Do me a favor, and give your baked goods to your kin and let them develop a staph infection.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Toothbrush

I get it. You want to be different and hand out something that you think would actually be beneficial to children. You have no desire to promote bad eating habits or poor dental care, so you say to yourself “I think I’ll pass out toothbrushes this year... all the kids are gonna love and respect me!”

Well, I gotta newsflash for you, buddy! If I’m 6 years old and I waste 3 minutes of my precious Halloween time coming to your house only to have you push your communist agenda on me, then, well, you deserve every single egg I throw at your house when I’m a teenager. And believe you me, I WILL EGG YOUR SHIT!

The only people who should be handing out a toothbrush to a kid is the dentist at the dentist’s office. Otherwise, buy a couple bags of candy. Preferably Snickers.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Box of Raisins

I suppose raisins could count as a fruit (which we already know is a big no-no!); however, they do come in a box (with a sexy ass chick on it) therefore disguising this "only good with bran" trick as a faux tasty treat. No matter how hard the California Raisins tried, children cannot be conditioned to believe that raisins are in any way, shape or form delicious (unless they are covered in chocolate). So do yourself a favor, raisin giver: take your raisins, throw them away, and buy some grapes. But don't even think about giving me those, either. Unless they're seedless. And green.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fun Size Candy

Now, to be clear, fun size treats are totally fine, so long as you're handing out at least three pieces of that shit. On the other hand, try to give me one piece of something labeled "fun size," and you might find a fun size "you know what" in your "you know where," and see how fun it is then. When it comes to candy, size always matters.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fruit

WOW! FRUIT! YAY? I mean, you might as well just give me an apple with a razorblade in it. At least I can use the razor to cut your phone line and your electric before I come into your home and take all of the good candy you kept to your asshole self.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Necco

Chalk is simply perfect. For blackboards, hop-scotch and marking the position of a dead body, you just can't beat it. As a snack item, chalk really isn't such a great idea. An even worse idea is trying to give away what is essentially chalk to any child, let alone anyone under the age of 73. Necco. What is that, short for necrophilia? Sadly, necrophilia leaves a better taste in my mouth than Necco candies do. 

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Loose Change

Nothing says grubby quite like someone else's slightly warm loose change. Though, if you want to kick the grub factor up a notch, putting that loose change in an old, wrinkled plastic sandwich bag and handing it out to trick or treaters should just about do the trick. It's disgusting, dude. Might as well give out a bagful of your toenail clippings. Do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor, spend the ten spot and pick up a bag of candy, you know, so I don't have to be plagued by your grotesque germs.