Hope everyone has a frighteningly fantastic Halloween!
Monday, October 31, 2011
Saturday, October 29, 2011
WOW! FRUIT! YAY? I mean, you might as well just give me an apple with a razorblade in it. At least I can use the razor to cut your phone line and your electric before I come into your home and take all of the good candy you kept to your asshole self.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.
WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!
One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.
Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!
Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns
Halloween is just around the corner, and no one is more excited that Drew, a young lady who simply adores the holiday with all her heart. Her anxious best friend, Walker, doesn't quite share the same enthusiasm for Halloween as Drew, but he remains loyal to his adorable best bud nonetheless. Regardless of enjoying the fright and fun that can come from All Hallows' Eve, Drew does not enjoy the horrific practical jokes provided by rival girl/boy duo, Tabby and Lee. You see, Tabby and Lee are a couple of wisecracking practical jokers who will more than likely individually die all alone of old age, just like that little fart Stephanie from The Headless Ghost. Every Halloween, Tabby and Lee find multiple ways to scare the living doodoo out of Drew and Walker, and, like J.Lo, Drew has had enough!
Drew, tired and beaten by the horrific pranks that have plagued her ever so devastatingly, finds herself being lent a helping hand in the form of her two old friends, Shane and Shauna. Shane and Shauna promise to help take revenge on Tabby and Lee, and the only thing that Drew and Walker have to do is invite them to go out trick or treating together. Little do they know this would eventually land Drew, Walker, Tabby and Lee in trick or treat heaven, where all the houses are decorated and contain owners who are handing out multiple candy bars the size of Val Kilmer. Heaven indeed. Also, diabetes indeed, but I guess these kids are young and have a few years before they have to sweat the small stuff.
As would be expected, massive helpings of beast like candy bars in a neighborhood straight out of my wet dreams is probably not all that it appears, and that is surely the case here. This is where I stop talking about the episode's plot and talk about some other stuff now.
Coming straight outta Compton on October 26, 1996, during the show's second season, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is yet another delightful little outing in the Goosebumps pantheon. The Halloween setting is pretty much an automatic win in my book, and there are plenty of fun and/or ridiculous little moments that are worthy of a smile or two (depending on how many mouths you have, of course).
One of the best moments is when Walker and Drew reveal their horrifically lame Halloween costumes. Walker – who, despite his deceptive name, is not a Texas Ranger – is dressed up as a dark and stormy night (don't even ask) while Drew dresses up as a super hero named, ready for it? Super Drew! Super Drew?! That's a bit of a copout, no? Like, if I put on a pair of tights (which I would never do, 'cause I quit ballet) and a mask, I could say I'm dressed up as Awesome Matt and get free candy? Weak, brah.
In any event, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is a purrr-fect episode of Goosebumps to enjoy on a dark and spooky Halloween night, and I would be remised if… I'm Sorry. I don't know why I spelled the word perfect like that. Purrr-fect?! I guess I was just trying to be seductive, maybe build up my readership through sex appeal, and now I just look like a big fat idiot. Damn it.
Oh well, until next time, kiddies…
Saturday, October 22, 2011
As I mentioned in my latest Dumpster Diving for Gold vlog post - which I fully expect you will watch at least ten more times… a day - I have picked up a few great films on DVD that I wanted to use as giveaways for my lovely readers. What sort of prompted me to do a giveaway at this time, right in the middle of Chucktober, was a little tweet I laid my eyes on the other day…
With this incredibly boner inducing news, I figured what better time to giveaway a copy of Undisputed III: Redemption than with a Scott Adkins tweet claiming that there is indeed a fourth Undisputed film in the works? However, there is one tiny little problem here. I must remind you that it is indeed Chucktober, and it's my vow to try my damnedest to keep all content this month horror related, and Undisputed III is certainly not a horror film (it's a Rom-com). That's where you, good reader, win BIG.
To make this shit Chucktober official, I am not only going to give one lucky winner a used copy of Undisputed III: Redemption, I will also throw in a used copy of Adam Green's fantastic Ski lift horror film, Frozen, just in time for winter!
And you know what, to sweeten the pot even more, I'll even toss in one back issue, of the winner's choice (so long as it's not sold out), of Paracinema Magazine (as well as a few other secret goodies!)!
Now, you're probably thinking, "Matt, this is totally radical, but what's the catch?" Well, it's actually quite simple. With only eight days left until Halloween (YIKES!), I would love if you'd share with me your favorite Halloween tradition. What do you love to do every year, more than anything, during the Halloween season? It can be anything whatsoever, and it doesn't have to be all that elaborate, either. Come up with an answer, leave it in the comments section of this post with your name and email address, and you will be entered, simple as that. The giveaway ends at midnight Friday, October 28th (Eastern Standard), so you have exactly one week from today to leave your answer. Soon afterwards, I will tally all the names of those who enter, drop them in a hat and announce the lucky winner in a vlog.
Two of my favorite movies of 2010, an issue of one of my favorite magazines (after Bear magazine, that is), and all for less than the price of a cup of coffee. What isn't great about that?!
Good luck, and I look forward to your answers!
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Hey, look at this… a brand spanking new episode of Dumpster Diving for Gold (that I recorded in September), all ready to make sweet ass love to your very being. Yeah, I know, that's kind of gross.
In any event, I tried using a different camera to record this one, and it sort of worked, though there are some odd auto focus issues that make this shit seem as the video is breathing. Like, you might have an acid flashback from watching this. Or, if you're sensitive to bright colors and flashing lights, you might get all seizure on me, which would not be good because I depend on you for support.
Some post video thoughts:
The pressure got to me, and my Boyka imitation blew. Ma bad.
Boy, I sure don't shut up, huh?
My ability to read out loud is horrific.
Monday, October 17, 2011
Chalk is simply perfect. For blackboards, hop-scotch and marking the position of a dead body, you just can't beat it. As a snack item, chalk really isn't such a great idea. An even worse idea is trying to give away what is essentially chalk to any child, let alone anyone under the age of 73. Necco. What is that, short for necrophilia? Sadly, necrophilia leaves a better taste in my mouth than Necco candies do.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
Adam Gierasch's 2010 remake of Night of the Demons takes the basis for what was done in the original film and applies it to the end destination, with a few minor tweaks added to the journey. Instead of following a small group of teens to an intimate party where everything literally goes to hell, this incarnation populates its shindig with a full staff of party animals. Once again, Angela is throwing the dopest Halloween party in town and everyone is E-vited. As the party rages on and the drugs finally show up (thanks to a tubby Eddie Furlong playing the role that would define his personal life), the cops come in and shut it down. Shortly after the house is cleared out and everyone has left, a handful of stragglers straggle their way back onto the property, only to somehow get locked in. As far as major problems go, being stuck in a house with a handful of good-looking people, tons of alcohol and plenty of music, one really cannot complain. However, toss in a few demons and, well, I suppose the word demon kind of says it all.
I generally don't like to compare remakes to their influences; however, there are a select few that garner the comparison, and I think Night of the Demons is one of those films. One of the things that this new version does that I enjoy is the main idea is in place, but the situations unfold very differently for the characters. You get something new without losing the basis for what make Night of the Demons Night of the Demons. Though, it's not to say that what's new is refreshing cinematically, just new from what has been seen previously.
In fact, I think it's safe to say that Night of the Demons lacks even the slightest hint of originality, and that comes from all aspects of the film. The characters are masterfully stereotypical, the unnecessary backstory added to the movie is as pointless as it is uncreative, and it would be impossible not to know exactly where the film will go next. On a technical level, well, it's not too bad overall, but there are some serious issues strewn throughout. Specifically, the super sped up camerawork that makes its way through the film's opening party setting, only to slow down and focus on something in a motion much slower than normal (like a sexy girl dancing or someone puking). And of course, this is accompanied by a ridiculous swooooosh sound that's supposed to convey… actually, I don't even know what it's supposed to convey. Awesome party, maybe?
Bobbie Sue (Dead Box) Luther in a role that perfectly plays to her natural talents
Another issue that this remake suffers from is the fact that the Angela character (this time around played by Shannon Elizabeth) has very little to her in terms of generating any sort of interest. She's completely one-dimensional and more of a coincidental character, wherein the original she was, in a way, the star, or at least a major aspect of the movie. Here Angela plays back-up singer to the character of Maddie (Monica Keena, who looks somewhat less malformed than normal), who is clearly the heroin when the viewer is introduced to her wicked hot friends, both of whom have massive tits and wear skimpy Halloween costumes.
Now, I may sound like I am hitting Night of the Demons with a lot of negativity so far and I sort of am, but that really doesn't reflect my actual enjoyment of the film as a whole. In fact, I actually quite enjoyed it - for what it is. Let's face it, as much love as I have for Kevin Tenney's film, it sure is far from perfect, and I think it would be safe to say that it has almost as many problems, collectively, as the 2010 remake.
The '88 film starts off awfully slow, and the only thing that it has going for it in the first 45 minutes to an hour is Linnea Quigley's introduction (which makes for a great cameo in the remake, it should be said) and some of the laughable performances and hysterical characters. It's entertaining in a very cheesy way, but that's about all until the film finally takes off in the final 30 or so minutes. The remake does a better job of moving things along at a faster pace, however, it does cause for some latter moments where things do begin to drag on.
As for the demon action itself, the original still takes the funfetti over the remake. Regardless, I do like the look of the demons as well as how they interact with each other (demonic orgies are h-o-t HOT!). The approach of the demons, as well as the film itself, is a little more tongue in cheek than the original. Gierasch and co. certainly had a specific vision for Night of the Demons, and that was to make a fun film that can play for a modern audience, while being mostly faithful in spirit to the original. And I believe they were successful, for the most part.
The movie is a fun watch, plain and simple. It's even almost as fun as the 1988 Night of the Demons; however, it isn't quite as memorable. Of course, Tenney's film has the unfair advantage of nostalgia going for it, but it also has a better presence with how the horror is effectively delivered. Now, the '88 Night of the Demons isn't the most frightening film ever made, but it does have a genuinely spooky atmosphere about it as well as a few creepy moments. Specific scenes that come immediately to mind are the Quigley lipstick trick and Angela's Stigmata Martyr dance.
As strange as the lipstick in the tit scene is, there is something about how Quigley does it, something about the dead serious and completely crazed look on her face that has always stuck with me. The scene is recreated (with a slight twist) in the remake in a way that is certainly entertaining, but it doesn't have nearly the same effect. What is even less effective though, is Angela's dance sequence in the remake. What was truly a frightfully seductive and hypnotic highlight in the 1988 Night of the Demons is not even remotely worth mentioning in the remake. In fact, it's kind of pathetic in comparison.
I have my criticisms of the film (and they are definitely warranted) but as I said, I found myself enjoying Night of the Demons 2010. It's certainly no classic, and it's debatable as to whether or not it's even any good, but it does capture the essence of the original film without being an exact replica of it. Despite suffering from some typical, modern-day cinema shortcomings, it feels as if it fits in with the world of Night of the Demons, and, most importantly, I had a good time watching it. Quite frankly, that is really all one should expect.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Will the latest film in the still youthful Paranormal Activity franchise be able to replicate what its predecessors have done in the past? With less than 10 days left before Paranormal Activity 3 receives its major theatrical release across the country, I wonder if there will be enough audience interest to once again generate Activity at the box office, while also delivering something of worth. Personally, I really enjoyed both the first and second Paranormal films; however, I am weary about this prequel to a prequel where we already know the children will be safe.
Based off what I have seen in the trailers and TV spots and what I know of the story, I believe the chances that lightning will strike 3 times is pretty low. I love the idea, aesthetically, of an '80s period piece told through the home video technology of the time. On the other hand, outside of the date and time code, I don't see any real indication that a retro look has been fitted to this film. Moreover (and this is me being nitpicky), who the fuck could afford more than one video camera in the '80s, let alone multiple?!
As for the fear factor, there are some superbly creepy moments strewn throughout the trailers thus far, but unfortunately, there are also some moments that look way too big and overly manufactured for a Paranormal Activity film. In that sense, this is a sequel, so I suppose the ante must be upped, the scares bigger and all that stereotypical sequel jazz that comes with a sequel.
The mathematical chances that Paranormal Activity 3 will be able to deliver some good scares and another story that isn't completely derivative is fairly low. In all fairness though, I was quite weary of the PA2, and I ended up enjoying that film quite a bit due to the smart direction the story took and a few likeable characters (specifically the character of Ali). Regardless of my skepticism for PA3, having Christopher B. Landon return as the writer and the team behind last years fantastic documentary, Catfish, are certainly promising pieces of this equation.
In the end, all of these pregame thoughts mean very little when it comes to the final product (I just like to read myself write), which will not be revealed to me until I make my way to the theater and see the film for myself.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Previously on Goosebumps at 33…
The Headless Ghost
That sure is a whole hell of a lot of shit going on to start things off, isn't it? You're probably all like, "what the hell is this crap, huh?" Well, if you're still here after all those crazy photos, this is Goosebumps at 33, a yearly Chucktober tradition (as in, I did it last year) where I watch and review Goosebumps episodes without any nostalgic bias, whatsoeva. The kicker here is I am watching episodes of the much beloved children's horror show, for the first time, through the eyes of a 33-year-old man, who is now actually 34. Details, brah.
First up on Goosebumps at 33, I have a little ditty known as The Headless Ghost, a title that I am positive I will mistakenly type as The Headless Horseman at least seventy-five times.
Originally airing on September 21st, 1996, this season 2 episode focuses on Duane and Stephanie, who have become best known around town as the Twin Terrors of Wheeler Falls. You see, both Duane and Stephanie, who are not actually twins (talk about false advertising), have built a nice little reputation for themselves by pulling off pranks and scaring the poop out of the residents of Wheeler falls. Their main place to practice such tomfoolery is Hill House, a tourist attraction haunted by the ghost of a headless boy. As the tale goes, some moron kid was so into strawberry ice cream (strawberry, really?) that he fell into a dumbwaiter and somehow it decapitated him or some shit. Bet that wouldn't have happened if he was eating chocolate ice cream, because chocolate ice cream is for people that win.
In any event, Duane (who has this marvelous '20s styled Flapper hairdo) and Stephanie grow bored of pulling off such elaborate pranks and decide they need a good, true scare for themselves. They figure the best way to do so is to spend a night in Hill House searching for the head of the mediocre-berry ice cream loving boy. Little do they know, they are in for the scare of their lives.
I suppose the one thing that sticks out in The Headless Ghost is one-half of the Twin Terrors, Stephanie. The best way to describe Stephanie is she is a full on obnoxious busybody, who has little to no redeeming qualities about her. She lacks respect for even the simplest of things, for instance, she uses the term "smooth move," but completely neglects to mention anything about Ex Lax?! Like, listen here, Steph with the lame-ass laugh, that line don't work without the Ex Lax ending, so get your head out of your idiot ass and learn how to rank of peeps properly, kay?
Outside of Steph-fanny face, The Headless Ghost is actually a great episode in the Goosebumps library. It has a nice, creepy colonial setting with the Hill House itself, giving it an instant spooky factor. It would also makes for one of the more serious episode in the series, or at least more so than others that I have seen thus far. It's mostly all about the scares and atmosphere, though there are a few simply adorable moments strewn throughout! One of my favs is a simple little line that plays out in a very funny but subtle way. It involves a scene where a ghost wants Duane's head, so he pointedly tells him, "I need your head, Duane!," at which point Duane simply responds by saying, "I do too…" It's pretty hysterical.
As with every episode of Goosebumps, there is indeed a twist, however, The Headless Ghost breaks free of the oppressive chains of one single boring plot twist by giving the viewer not one but TWO different twists! Yowzaziwowa!! I won't go into detail about either of them (you know, in case you might watch the episode?), but I will say that super-bitch Stephanie learns a little lesson about respect. And thank heaven for that, 'cause that chick pissed me the crap off from moment one.
The Headless Horseman is a solid episode that would certainly entertain any fan of the series, and more importantly, it's a nice way to kick off Goosebumps at 33. Great location, fun story and it's nice and SPOOOOKY!
Until next time kiddies…
Wednesday, October 5, 2011
Nothing says grubby quite like someone else's slightly warm loose change. Though, if you want to kick the grub factor up a notch, putting that loose change in an old, wrinkled plastic sandwich bag and handing it out to trick or treaters should just about do the trick. It's disgusting, dude. Might as well give out a bagful of your toenail clippings. Do yourself and the rest of humanity a favor, spend the ten spot and pick up a bag of candy, you know, so I don't have to be plagued by your grotesque germs.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I think it's fair to say that the centerpiece of most every home is the television. While the home computer almost gives it a run for its money, the TV will likely rule most households for the foreseeable future thanks to the various amounts of entertainment that it brings. The television is like a gateway, a portal for our video games, TV shows, movies, and even our music to come to life and grant us all the entertainment we could ever want. But what if that gateway were instead used by zombies to cross over into our world so they could tear the flesh right off our bones? This would be the burning question posed in 1987's The Video Dead, a direct to video horror film with a comedic twist.
Written and directed by Robert Scott, (who has done a fair amount of second unit work in, fittingly, television), The Video Dead follows the tale of a possessed TV (or something) that is accidentally delivered to the wrong home. Soon after it arrives, the TV unleashes a slew of shambling zombies that kill the home's sole occupant, leaving the house vacant until a new family buys it a few months down the road. With their parents still abroad, both Zoe (Roxanna Augesen) and her younger brother Jeff (Rocky Duvall) are the first to arrive on the scene. As they are working on getting the house situated for their parents while they are away, Jeff soon discovers the haunted television set, and zombies eventually come a pouring out of it and start jack everyone's shit up. Cable prices totally aren't worth this hassle.
"I think I might move it to the corner to give the room a little more space."
Never has a television been more frightening. Well, except for when Nancy Grace is on, that is.
Made for somewhere around $80,000, The Video Dead very much feels like a cheap, shot on video zombie film. However, despite the fact that it's not shot on video and there is enough money behind it to bring it up a few technical notches, the vibe is very much still there. The setting is simple and secluded, and more than likely the houses used as sets belonged to those involved with the film. The acting is also quite awful, coming from a cast of thespians with very little to none in terms of other film work. Some of the make-up is rough around the edges, and sadly, there is very little gore for a film that one would expect copious amounts of grue from.
Where The Video Dead does sort of sets itself apart from the pack is, despite the unoriginal setting, there are a few cool ideas that come to life in a way that is sometimes visually appealing. Seeing the zombies represented in a black and white film on the television is certainly a nice touch. However, one of the better moments is when the zombies actually come rising out of the screen, something that flat out looks cool. In addition, even if the make-up is a tad sketchy at times, most of the zombies have a great look, which is certainly important in a zombie film. One thing that really surprised me about this movie though, is the level of unpredictability, specifically in the final act. I won't spoil anything, but I will say that The Video Dead has more balls than I would have ever expected going into it.
The Video Dead works perfectly as a party film, but I would be somewhat hard pressed to fully consider it a movie that's so bad it's good, and that's due to the fact that there is a sharp sense of humor laid throughout the film. It's very tongue-in-cheek, almost playing more as a comedy than it does a B-horror film. The character interactions and some of the dialogue is, at times, very funny. Moments like Jeff renaming another character Cow Shit in retaliation to constantly being referred to as boy, or Zoe claiming to be a college Aerobics major are just a few examples of the humor strewn throughout The Video Dead.
"Lightening the mood" to watch The Video Dead.
Can't blame this one on the tobacco companies…
Flock of Seagulls?!
Some of the comedic elements I did enjoy, however, that humor does get a little tiresome at times, causing a few dull moments when there shouldn't be. Unless it's VERY funny, I prefer my bad cheap horror to be just that, bad and cheap, and I wouldn't consider The Video Dead to be anything more than marginally funny during the times where it's actually trying to be. I would much rather be entertained by bad acting (which is dealt out in spades in the film) and other such cinematic atrocities than have a film try too hard to be humorous. Simply put, the situations are far funnier than the execution.
Regardless of my minor qualms, The Video Dead delivers the '80s goods in a way that truly fits the time period. It embodies the VHS era in just about everyway with its incredible box art, it's low-budget, the bad acting, and the whacked out zombies. As I mentioned earlier, it makes for the perfect group viewing, preferably with a little something-something to lighten the mood (you know, like heroin), and if you're a connoisseur of this type of film, then it should certainly tickle your pickle. Unless you don't have one, in which case it will have to tickle the female organ that rhymes with pickle. Sickle maybe? How about Travis Bickle?
Saturday, October 1, 2011
It is indeed a day of joy for some of us. Those of us who see an entirely deeper level to the colors of the trees as they begin to change as each day grows colder than the last. Those of us who are unexplainably drawn to the sounds of these once vibrant decorations crunching below our feet as we walk the streets, breathing the fresh autumn air into our rejuvenated lungs. Those of us who have an incredible, almost natural draw to the seasonal aisle in almost every single store we walk into (well, maybe not Fashion Bug). Those of us who keep our eyes peeled for anything and everything showing on cable that might give us Goosebumps. It is indeed a day of joy, for those of us who love Halloween.
Now, some of you may have already noticed, but in case you haven't, today is the 1st of October. And with this day in October comes an event unlike any event known to man, the first day of Chucktober!! BAM! Shit just came up and shattered your eardrums with its intensity! But listen up, brah, there ain't no time for shattered eardrums when we have an entire month of Halloween madness to enjoy!
If you're new to these here parts and are not yet aware of Chucktober, well, I suppose I should explain it to you then. It's about as simple as it gets, Chucktober is a month long celebration of all things Halloween, and with that comes a 100% focus on horror. All the movies reviewed as well as any other general postings will either be horror or Halloween related. Now, I know it's not much of a stretch for me to solely focus on horror when the horror genre already makes up about 85% of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, but it is still 15% more than normal, so there!
This would actually mark the third year for Chucktober (yikes!), and I couldn't be any more excited! Well, I could if I was eating pancakes, but I digress. So, what's in store during this month of macabre? Well, I
don't want to outright blow my load, so I won't go into too much detail. Buuut… I will say that there might be a returning segment, a brand new micro-segment, a handful of reviews of movies that should fit in well with the month, and all sorts of other Halloween related shit that will litter Chuck Norris Ate My Baby during the days leading up to All Hallow's Eve!
Now, to get you in the spirit proper, I thought I would provide you with a song about the only (non-wife) love I know, Halloween. Enjoy, and get ready, 'cause it's fucking Chucktober.