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Friday, October 31, 2014

A Little Pumpkin of Our Own

First of all, I want to wish you all a happy Halloween! I hope that you are able to enjoy the day of darkness to its fullest, and I also hope that you have enjoyed all the Chucktober festivities that I have provided for you throughout the month. I know it’s been a blast for me, and I am quite sad to see it all come to an end.

In any event, while wishing you a happy Halloween is a high priority, there are more important matters to deal with, specifically the birth of HALLOWBABY!!

Halloween 2014

Clara Emily House (aka my daughter) was brought into the world by my incredible (and tough as nails) mail order bride on Saturday, October 25 at 5:16 AM. Naturally, the birth of my first child is overwhelmingly amazing, and it doesn’t hurt things that she came during my favorite time of the year. It only makes the Halloween season even more special to me, and I look forward to years of Halloween themed birthday parties.

Alright, I am completely exhausted, so I don’t have the energy to keep on babbling. Once again, I hope you all have a fantastic Halloween, and please feel free to send my daughter gifts. She loves Amazon gift cards.

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Rocktober Blood (1984): Death By Falsetto

Rocktober Blood

After going on a killing spree that resulted in the death of “25 rock and rollers,” musician Billy “Eye” Harper (Tray Loren) is sentenced to death. Two years later, Billy is back to take revenge on the sole survivor of his murder spree and key witness in his sentencing, Lynn (Donna Scoggins), just as she is about to go on tour with the remaining members of Billy’s old band. 

Directed by Beverly Sebastian (who also co-wrote with husband Ferd Sebastian), Rocktober Blood is completely driven by its time period. Wood paneling, random acts of aerobics, Jacuzzis, and hanging plants abound, Rocktober Blood is about as ‘80s as one film can possibly get, especially when you mix in a heavy dose of blissful falsetto. And it is this falsetto that really kicks the film off on the right foot, as right off the bat we are subjected to a recording studio performance by Billy, wherein he knocks out a batch of falsetto so intense, I needed a towel dry afterwards.  

Rocktober Blood (1984) movie review

The majority of Rocktober Blood focuses on Lynn as she prepares to kick off her band’s big Rocktober Blood tour, which consists of her taking baths, “taking Jacuzzis” and being stalked by Billy, who is seemingly back from the dead. These sporadic run-ins with Billy are a great concern for Lynn, but seeing as Billy was executed years earlier, everyone just assumes that she is simply cracking under pressure. Regardless of Lynn’s sanity, or lack thereof, someone is indeed messing with her, and whether or not it’s actually Billy or someone posing as Billy, people are getting killed along the way.

As a slasher film, Rocktober Blood hits a number of stereotypical slasher notes, albeit in an enjoyably silly fashion. There’s plenty of nudity, most of which is relegated to Scoggins, who is quite attractive despite her shockingly white ass. She certainly brings her tan line A-game. There’s some stalking, some obscene phone calls and a handful of decent kills, one of my personal favorites being a hot iron-to-the-throat, which apparently results in immediate death. Of course, what B-grade ‘80s heavy metal slasher flick would be complete without some insanely bad/amazing dialogue?! As shown in the following examples, Rocktober Blood most certainly delivers in this department:

Rocktober Blood (1984) movie review 1

Lynn: "We're are you going?”

Billy: “I got a hot date tonight.”

Lynn: “At 4:30 in the morning?”

Billy: “What can I say, she wants my bod.”

The Killer: "I want your hot, steamy pussy blood all over my face."

Lynn: “I think I am going to go take a Jacuzzi.”

Like, seriously, who takes a Jacuzzi? I take an aspirin. I take a shit, but I don’t “take” a Jacuzzi.

In any event, where Rocktober Blood flows strongest is in the musical performances that bookend the film. Unfortunately, however, outside of the incredible Billy “Eye” falsetto opening and the film’s finale, there aren’t many, if any, musical performances, which is a little unfortunate.Thankfully, the finale makes up for this by being the clear highlight of the film, in that it features a Grand Guignolesque stage performance where the killer – hidden beneath a mask – sings his heart out as he slays scantily-clad female stage performers. Naturally, considering the overall horror theme of the stage show, the audience and even the band members believe this to all be a part of the show, when in all reality people are actually being murdered on stage.

Rocktober Blood (1984) movie review 3

While lacking the qualities necessary in making what one would consider a good movie, Rocktober Blood is a thoroughly enjoyable entry into the heavy metal horror sub-genre and certainly a must see for anyone who enjoys a little ‘80s cheese. At the very least, the awesome Sorcery soundtrack should give you something to chew on for a few days, as that’s about how long the song “Rainbow Eyes” will be bouncing around in your head.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Candy Corn

bad trick or treat candy ideas

Candy Corn: that white, orange and yellow “treat” that makes an appearance every Halloween season has become the bane of numerous people across this great country. Year after year, Candy Corn shows up in countless homes, only to be discarded after sitting in a dusty glass dish three months after Halloween has passed.

Made up entirely of corn syrup and sugar, no other candy is associated with Halloween more than Candy Corn.

Wait a second... let’s break that fact down a bit:

  • “Made up entirely of corn syrup and sugar” - Corn syrup and sugar happen to be two ingredients that I love.

  • “No other candy is associated with Halloween more than Candy Corn.” - Hey, I love Halloween and everything about it!

Actually, you know what? I like candy corn. From it’s eye-appealing Fall colors to its sugary ingredients, Candy Corn is the candy manifestation of Halloween. Show some respect, ya filthy animal!

Sunday, October 26, 2014

The Ultimate Halloween Party Music MEGA-MIX!

Halloween is right around the corner, or should I say coroner, so I think it’s about time to get this party not only started right, but quickly as well! And what better way to kick off a party of the Halloween variety is by warming up your sexy parts and digging into this Ultimate Halloween Party Music MEGA-MIX that I put together last Halloween?! The answer is there is no other way. Well, unless you take ecstasy and dance through a field of bedazzled pumpkins to the sounds of Enya. That might be a tad better.

In any, I added some new videos as well as removed a few to make this playlist an even more enjoyable MEGA-MIX, so if you and your friends (or cats) are planning a super pajama jammy jam, then I implore you to get ready to rock the night away as the days count down to Halloween!   

Friday, October 24, 2014

Goosebumps At 33: The Return of the Mummy

Goosebumps TV shows

Return of the Mummy!

Goosebumps Return of the mummy

While visiting his cousin Sari (Annick Obonsawin) and uncle Ben (Elias Zarou) in Egypt, young Gabe (Daniel DeSanto) finds himself in for the ultimate adventure, filled with thrills, chills, spills, and endless refills! Okay, that might be a bit of an exaggeration, but I had some serious momentum going on and simply couldn’t hit the brakes. Anyway, Gabe’s uncle Ben just so happens to be an archeologist, so during his Summer break, Gabe is joining both his uncle Ben and cousin Sari on an important archeological dig with the intent of unearthing the tomb of Prince Khor-Ru. 

Goosebumps return of the mummy 1

Being a complete doofus, Gabe somehow becomes separated from Ben and Sari while inside the tomb. This causes Gabe to take a complete bitch turn, as he proceeds to scream and cry like a child. It’s pretty annoying, especially considering that Gabe is definitely going through puberty. At least that’s what his screeching bitch voice indicates. In any event, during his crying bout, Gabe accidentally stumbles upon the tomb of Prince Khor-Ru, which causes him to cry some more.

Soon enough, Gabe is reunited with Ben and Sari, which gives Sari – who has the face of an 80-year-old woman, but is actually about nine – ample opportunity to make fun of Gabe for being such a crying crybaby who cries all the time. Now, it’s typical in the Goosebumps mythos for a younger kid to make fun of an older kid. And more often than not, it’s a young girl making fun of an older boy, which is emasculating on so many levels. However, when you’re a corny-ass, crybaby like Gabe, you totes deserve it.

Goosebumps return of the mummy 3

In any event, Gabe and Sari eventually find themselves separated from uncle Ben and some random reporter lady who serves a purpose of some sort. This leads to Gabe and Sari coming face-to-face with the titular creature, and from there things get wet and wild, as the mummy begins to unwrap himself and pour baby oil all over his well-preserved bod. It’s totally erotic. Anyway, at some point there’s a reveal involving the Prince Kohr-Ru’s sister who is trying to resurrect him for some reason that I didn't quite understand. After the whole baby oil thing, I was simply too distracted to maintain any sense of comprehension.

Overall a solidly enjoyable episode, the clear standout in The Return of the Mummy is its Egyptian setting. Per my experience, the world of Goosebumps is relegated to suburban neighborhoods, high schools, crack houses. or wherever you might find your average preteen, so it’s refreshing to see such a vastly different setting. It’s also nice seeing another classic movie monster make an appearance on the show. And outside of the weird tan lines beneath his tattered wraps, the mummy looks fantastic.

Goosebumps return of the mummy 4

That about does it for the fifth season of Goosebumps at 33. Hopefully all you fine ladies and gents enjoyed this year’s batch of reviews as much as I did, and I really look forward to Goosebumpin’ n’ grindin’ with you again next year!

Until next time, kiddies, keep your night light on and your head under the covers...

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Salute Your Shorts: Boo (2010)

Halloween Short film Boo

“Ghosts can do a lot of cool stuff!”

It's Halloween night, and a babysitter (Eliza Skinner) is spending her evening passing out candy to trick-or-treaters. Unfortunately, however, the candy she is stuck passing out are raisins, which doesn't go over very well with the trick-or-treaters (let alone me). In an attempt to no longer be the jerk passing out raisins to kids on Halloween, the babysitter calls the homeowner to see if she has anything else to pass out, but is soon disconnected.

Soon after, a trick-or-treater dressed up as a ghost (Andrew Katz) shows up at her door. But this isn’t your normal trick-or-treater, however, as this ghost is actually floating. Furthermore, the ghost has the ability to disappear and reappear at will, which the babysitter concludes is nothing more than a cool trick. While the babysitter is mildly entertained by this strange trick-or-treater at first, concern quickly creeps in as the ghost begins playing multiple pranks on her, mostly being relegated to flaming bags of poop.  

Written and directed by Michael J. Goldberg, Boo is a genuinely funny short horror comedy that nicely mixes toilet humor and cuteness. Coming in at a hair under 12 minutes, Boo is a nicely put together short and features some great special effects. The biggest standout, however, comes in the form of a good comedic performance by both the short’s leads, Eliza Skinner and Andrew Katz. Despite being a human and ghost interaction, the two actors are somehow able to convey some good chemistry, which makes their on-screen back-and-forth quite entertaining.  

Give her a watch below, and remember, raisins suck.

Salute Your Shorts 3.5

Monday, October 20, 2014

Fun Size (2012): Half-Wrapped

Fun Size 2012

It’s Halloween day, and Wren (Victoria Justice) has been invited to a party by the hottest guy in school. Unfortunately, Wren is stuck having to babysit her little brother, Albert (Jackson Nicoll), putting the kibosh on any party plans she may have. That’s only the beginning of Wren’s problems, however, as later on in the evening, Albert goes missing while they are out trick-or-treating. Joined by her best friend April (Jane Levy), Wren recruits two school nerds, Roosevelt (Thomas Mann) and Peng (Osric Chau), to help her find Albert before her mother discovers that he’s missing. What ensues is a wild night filled with excitement, danger and even a little romance, resulting in an evening where fun has no size. I don’t know what that last part means.  

Written by Max Werner and directed by Josh Schwartz, Fun Size is clearly an attempt to recreate the teen adventure comedies of the 1980s, and while the film has its heart in the right place, the results are ultimately mixed. The film mainly focuses on Wren, a hip hop loving bookworm who’s going through some growing pains after her father passed away a year earlier, something of which has also left a negative effect on her entire family. Wren’s mother (Chelsea Handler) is dealing with the grieving process by dating a 25-year-old guy, whereas her younger brother, Albert, hasn't spoken a single word in over a year.

Fun Size 2012 movie review

These character archetypes are far from original, especially within the dynamic of the film as a whole. Each character’s arch basically serves as an intertwining subplot of the film, with time dedicated to Wren trying to find Albert, while Albert is out having what is basically the adventure of a lifetime, something of which leads to the best moments of the film. All the while, Wren and Albert’s mother is off at a party with her 25-year-old boyfriend, which leads to some moderately uninteresting moments of clarity for her character.

The adventure elements aren't as adventurous as one would like. The film’s also quite simple-minded and far from challenging to the viewer, and kids film or not, that's not an acceptable attribute. With that being said, however, Fun Size is still a fairly enjoyable watch, despite its many prominent issues. While things are lacking in the adventure department, the moments with Albert – who spends much of his evening playing pranks with his new buddy, a lonely convenience store employee named Fuzzy (Thomas Middleditch) – are fairly enjoyable to watch. I think what works about these moments is the slightly charming and often humorous relationship between Albert and Fuzzy.

Fun Size 2012 movie review 1

Where Fun Size is most successful is the way in which it delivers on the Halloween goods, and let’s face it, that’s why we’re all here. Well, at least me. In any event, Fun Size goes all out with the Halloween decorations, as each and every home is awesomely (and unrealistically) decorated to the hilt, and the streets are filled with hundreds of children out enjoying an evening of trick or treat. It’s over-the-top and unrealistic in every sense, but I simply adore it and truly wish this was how Halloween was in every single neighborhood across the country.

Aside from being pandering and formulaic, the Halloween infused charm and occasional wit of Fun Size is enough to make it an enjoyable enough watch. It’s no secret that I'm a complete sucker for any movie or television show with scenes featuring a number of children out trick-or-treating on a well decorated street. I also understand that this component does more for me than maybe it should. The Halloween aesthetic certainly softens me up, leaving me quite vulnerable to enjoying movies more than I normally would, something of which I am not at all ashamed of.

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