Morbid(2013): Party Crasher

Written and directed by Chuck Conry of Zombies Don’t Run fame, Morbid is a throwback to the Slasher films of yesteryear, focusing on a small town terrorized by a masked serial killer. Regardless of there being a psycho on the loose, the people of the community, police and all, are more concerned that the high school football team is about to play the biggest game of the season and the star quarterback, Sky Walker, is going to break some big record. Furthermore, a number of local teens forgo their fears of a masked killer and decide to throw a huge after-game party, which makes them all a prime target for a mass murderer. Who will survive the slaughter? The answer may be too MORBID for some of you to comprehend! Sorry.

Morbid opens with a scene featuring two horror fans debating how important Halloween is in the lexicon of horror, with the debate eventually moving to how Black Christmas came first (though, for the record, Silent Night, Bloody Night came before that) and used some of the ideas and techniques that were later made popular by Carpenter’s film. This is actually a fun scene due to the fact that Conry is poking fun at his own movie by also using ideas and techniques found in those films in this opening scene (killer POV, for example). The opening is also a clear indication as to the type of low-budget horror film you’re in for, which is one that is filled with humorously slanted self-referential dialogue made by people who obviously love horror films.

This almost Kevin Smith/Scream inspired approach to the dialogue has some good moments, but seeing as this approach is so common in so many low-budget horror flicks, I can’t help but be a little less than enthusiastic about some of it. The overall humorous tone of Morbid also received a mixed reaction from me, as some of the jokes hit nicely, while a few jokes go on for far too long, especially some of the television spots involving the town sheriff who goes on-and-on about the murder and the big game.

Morbid also drags a bit in the second act, and that plays into some of the jokes that go on longer than they should; however, the ending is when Morbid really picks up the pace and becomes the type of movie I would want from a $500 Slasher flick. Whereas there are no deaths, or even much of a threat, in the second act, the party set finale is when the proverbial shit hits the fan and the slaughter begins, and for me, that’s where a movie of this budget resides most comfortably. The film’s killer ratchets up a number of cheesy but fun death scenes brought to life with enjoyably amateurish make-up effects, and there are even a few ‘very big’ surprises that, for me, are what a movie like Morbid should be.

While the movie runs in at 70 minutes (60 min without credits), it feels longer than it needs to be at times. What would have served Morbid best would be if Conry trimmed the dialogue and tried to do a little more in terms of building some tension. The film needed a little bit of quiet time sprinkled in to balance it out, and again, it’s the middle section that could have benefited by a few POV shots from outside of the party as well as a few establishing shots. Even if they had come out a little hokey, I think it might have helped with the pacing and, for me, a little hokey is welcome.

Morbid is certainly what you’d expect from a movie made by a bunch of horror fans with an estimated budget of $500. I have to give props to Conry for making a film that looks pretty decent. I mean, it’s certainly rudimentary and cheap, which is part of the film’s style, but it does feature a sense of comprehension and competence on a level that many movies of it’s ilk do not posses.

Morbid is likely a movie that some people will get a kick out of just as there will be some people who will hate it, but that’s pretty much the name of the game with this specific type of low-budget horror film. For me, personally, Morbid has its ups and downs, but I commend Conry and his gang of merry men and women for taking the risk and making a film of their own. I know how much work can go into making a horror movie, and one thing I hope that comes from Morbid is that it worked as a good learning process for Conry to make an even better film next time, which I assume would be Morbid 2?!

 

Pietà (2013): Baby Mama Drama

Written and directed by Kim Ki-duk, Pieta is the South Korean filmmaker’s 18th directorial effort (something that is expressed in the opening credit sequence), which is pretty impressive considering he has only been making movies since 1996. The evocatively titled Pieta focuses on Kang-do (Lee Jung-jin), a loan shark who makes his living by crippling those who cannot afford to pay back their debts, then collects on their insurance. To call Kang-do vicious would be a great understatement, as he is the type of person who will ridicule and torture his victims in ways that are simply deplorable. He is a man to be feared, and all who come in contact with him are very aware of this fact.

Like most of Kim’s work, Pieta is not afraid to walk down dingy, unsafe alleyways and into taboo territory, and things become quite complicated for Kang-do when a woman who claims to be his mother (played fantastically by Cho Min-soo) shows up and tries to force her way back into his life. Unsurprisingly, Kang-do doesn’t believe the woman, who claims to have abandoned him as an infant due to being too young and stupid to understand what she was doing. But where things begin to take a turn for the two, and when Kang-do begins to believe her story, is where things begin to get a little, well, darker.

To prove to him that she is in fact his mother, Kang-do forces the woman to eat a piece of flesh from his thigh, which she hesitantly does. Kang-do then goes on to sexually force himself on her, claiming that if she is his real mother, she will let him go back inside the place where he once came from. While this is a shocking and certainly extreme way to have to prove oneself, this could be looked at as a moment where his mother can receive some of the pain and punishment that she placed upon Kang-do by abandoning him as a child, which indirectly turned him into the man he is today.  

Harsh violence and sexual deviancy are common traits in Kim’s movies, and as you can probably tell, this is no different with Pieta. Often the violence and sexual deviancy found in Kim’s work is provided by a character (often male) who is rarely considered a good person, let alone a decent one. However, that might be the brilliance of Kim Ki-duk’s oeuvre. He creates vile characters and walks them through some awful situations, then finds a way to almost ask for the audience’s sympathy, or at least give his audience the option to feel conflicted about the character. There is often a catalyst for this pseudo-sympathetic turn - an event that completely derails a character's path - and with Kang-do, it is finally being with his mother.  

Being reunited with the woman who gave him life, Kang-do finds himself acknowledging the emptiness that has plagued him throughout his life, thus causing him to grow up to be so unsympathetic. There is one particular scene that brilliantly plays on Kang-do’s lifelong emptiness, where he goes to collect a debt from a man who is a month away from having a child. The man, with a strange sort of glee, tells Kang-do that he looks forward to being crippled because it will give him the chance to give his future child the opportunity that he would not be capable of providing otherwise. Kang-do, who would normally show no sympathy, responds by telling him that he envies the man’s future child. Kang-do sees a man who is willing to sacrifice himself for his child in a way that no one has ever done for him, something that has a real effect on him.

Despite the fact that Kang-do begins to find solace - and even a touch of happiness - in being reunited with his mother, there is a darkness that constantly looms overhead. Everyone has to pay their dues for the wrong they do in life, especially men such as Kang-do. And despite his metaphorical rebirth, Kang-do has led a life where salvation is difficult to earn by his many victims as well as the audience. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this character, though Kim Ki-duk gives us the opportunity to find a trace level of sympathy in this deplorable man; it’s just up to the viewer to decide whether or not they want to grant it to Kang-do. For me, I saw a character who, in the hands of a lesser storyteller, wouldn’t have been so challenging (though Lee deserves a nod for his strong performance), but this is indeed what makes Kim Ki-duk the fantastic filmmaker that he is.

Pieta is being given a limited theatrical release on May 17th by Drafthouse Films (a complete listing of theaters and showtimes are on the site); however, if the film isn’t playing near you, it is also available to rent On-Demand.

The Pros of Con Air (1997)

The Simon West directed, Jerry Bruckheimer produced 1997 action masterpiece Con Air is the definition of 90s action excess; an over-the-top, sweat-filled orgy of insane performances, sun-kissed cloudy blue skies, testosterone, and Nic Cage. This is a flick that boils over the brim with random acts of slow motion, excessive explosions and, well, excessive slow motion explosions, all of which are delivered in a fashion that can only be captured in a motion less than normal. Anyway, to celebrate the love I have for Con Air, I have put together this list of a few of my favorite things about the best film to feature Nicolas Cage saving a man from going into diabetic shock.

Cast Away:

For me, and likely most fans of Con Air, the cast is a major part of why the film is such a blast. Con Air features a wild mix of actors that cover a wide range that the craft has to offer, from comedic actors such as Dave Chappelle, whose character of Pinball offers some genuine laughs, to a multitude of tough guy/girl character actors such as M.C. Gainey, Rachel Ticotin and Danny Trejo. There’s also a fun, scene chewing turn from Colm Meaney, who plays an abusive, jerk-off DEA agent.

Of course, the real juice of Con Air comes from the impressive number of (mostly) well respected actors, some of whom have sat comfortably at or near the A-list. You have Ving Rhames and John Malkovich carrying a hefty amount of the bad guy workload, while Steve Buscemi shows up as the Hannibal Lecter inspired character, Garland "The Marietta Mangler" Greene. On the other end of the spectrum there’s John Cusack as U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin, who is a sort of good guy ying to Cameron Poe’s good guy yang. Oh, and speaking of Cameron Poe, he’s played by Nicolas Cage, who’s sort of an important piece in Con Air’s incredible puzzle.

How Do I Ask a Question Without a Question Mark:

Con Air opens AND closes with the touching sounds of Trisha Yearwood’s How Do I Live, a song that is literally the audio essence of Cameron Poe’s emotional state of mind. I mean, if love is in anyone’s heart, it’s in Poe’s, and despite the lack of a question mark, How Do I Live represents Poe’s passion as a husband, a father, and a man who decided that prison’s a good time to grow a mullet.  

I would never normally support a song such as How Do I Live, but how do I deny such a song when it means so much to the film’s lead character. The smile that will grace Poe’s face as he sees the sun of freedom can never be understood by anyone other than Trisha Yearwood. Well, her and LeAnn Rimes. And, well, a bunch of American Idol contestants and number chuckleheads who think they can sing.

John Malkovich Chewing a Hole in the Plane:

John Malkovich as Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom chews scenery like it’s a tough piece of beef jerky, giving a performance that’s about as over-the-top as his insane “ In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the fuck I please” portrayal of Russian mobster Teddy KGB in 1998s Rounders. It’s really incredible, and better yet, some of the dialogue he is given is climbing towards brilliance. No scene is left with out a few teeth marks when Malkovich is done, and that’s saying a lot considering he’s up there with Nic “The Animal” Cage.  

“Oh, nothing makes me sadder than the agent lost his bladder in the airplane!”

Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage. And Nicolas Cage:

Nicolas Cage as Cameron Poe in Con Air is so epic, the only way to encapsulate his wonder is with bullet points:

• His southern accent

 

• His hair
  
  

• His strength and conditioning
  
  

• His hair
  
  

• His origami skillz
  
  

• The many emotions he conveys
  
  
  
  
  

After Nic Cage, there really is no more that one person can say, so I will leave you with this:

 

House at the End of the Street: Tanks for the Mammaries

Somewhere up the road from the House on the Edge of the Park and just around the corner of The Last House on the Left, you will find the House at the End of the Street. I suppose if you were a little more optimistic, you could consider it the beginning of the street, but optimism isn’t a trait that will do much good for you going into this urinal stain of a film.    

Directed by Mark Tonderai, House at the End of the Street (or #HATES, if you’re a big Twitter user) is a psychological thriller starring Jennifer Lawrence as Elissa, a young woman with a voice so beautiful she sounds absolutely perfect whether she’s singing in the woods or a garage, but I digress. Elissa and her single, overprotective mother (played by Elisabeth Shue, who looks fantastic despite the tiredly written character) have just moved from the mean streets of Chicago to the not so mean gravel roads of some place in the woods. A place that, on the surface, seems safe, but little do they know that just four years earlier a little girl slaughtered her parents... in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET!

Being the new gal in the wooded ‘hood as well as being the lead singer in the sickest band in Chicago, Elissa is getting a lot of attention from all the boys, specifically a young loner type named Ryan (Max Thieriot). Ryan has a bit of a bad rep around town due to the fact that he is the oldest son of the people who were gruesomely murdered in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET! Worse yet, he still lives in the very house at the end of the street where his parents were killed, something that really ticks everyone off. Regardless, Elissa and Ryan hit it off, and it seems that all the negativity driven towards Ryan is unwarranted, so she’s all ready to drop her drawers for him at any minute. However, when your parents were slayed by your very own sister in the very house at the end of the street that you still live in, you are more than likely not to be trusted. Unfortunately for Elissa, this is the case.

It’s okay, though, because the power of song will protect us like a warm blanket on a winter’s day.

House at the End of the Street gets full use out of the word ‘generic’ in terms of storytelling and character development. In fact, it’s only a few dollars and a handful of good actors above a Lifetime movie, though at least most Lifetime movies can be pretty entertaining. While mostly a technically well-made film, hashtag hates is plagued by some horrific, random editing choices as well as strange attempts at stylized camerawork. I almost applaud the fact that there is an actual attempt at style, but unfortunately it’s as successful as me “attempting” to be Mr. Universe. The dialogue also shines about as brightly as sandpaper, as there are moments where characters barf out some utterly atrocious dialogue. One specific moment in particular is a scene where Elissa and her friend are talking about one of the boys in school:

Friend: “He’s a dick!”
Elissa: “He’s worse than a dick... he’s a dickhole!”
Friend: “Dickhole’s the new asshole.”

*laughter*

Me: “What the fuck.”

Moving on (and thankfully so), I feel as a member of society I am obligated to talk about one of the biggest stars of hashtag hates:

Elissa’s White Tank Top

The white tank top is THE perfect attire for the slightly dirty (but not, like, gross dirty), sweaty girl in peril, who also happens to have a very healthy amount of milk in the fridge. Oh, how the snuggly fit and slightly translucent fabric moves so gracefully around JLaw’s breasts as they swing around like a tilt-a-whirl covered by a tarp. It almost seems as if this wardrobe choice was intentionally exploiting her upper body... I mean, who needs good dialogue when you have nice titties in a tank?!

“Are you looking at my tits?!”

I’d #HATES to be so harsh on this film because it is at least bearable enough to sit through, but you still might be better off spending your time drinking toilet water. On the other hand, if you do decide to spend some time with House at the End of the Street, please feel free to try to beat my “I called the plot twist!” time of 4 minutes and 50 seconds.

Paracinema ‘Kills’ it with Issue 19!

The latest issue of Paracinema Magazine is out and ready for you to jump head first into what promises to be the greatest issue of all time! And why, pray tell, might this issue be so off the chain?! Well, as the fantastic Garry Brown cover illustration shows, issue 19 features some serious love for one of my favorite film/films, Kill Bill. In fact, the issue features not one but TWO articles about Quentin Tarantino’s martial arts revenge epic, one of which comes from a very good friend of CNAMB, Zach from The Lightning Bug’s Lair, with the other Kill Bill piece coming from the one and only me.

Here’s a peekaboo of our epic Kill Bill coverage:

It’s Complicated: An In Depth Look at the Evolution of Bill and The Bride’s Turbulent Relationship in Kill Bill
by Matthew House

The Devil’s in The DeVAS: The Many Foes of Beatrix Kiddo
by Zachary Kelley

Soooooo what are you waiting for? Head over to Paracinema’s website and pick up a few copies for yourself… you deserve it!

Click Here!!

Of course, there are plenty of other goodies to be had, so if reading a couple of pieces about Kill Bill isn’t enough to sell you on picking up issue 19 (then how dare you), then check out all the other tasty little treats that are in store:

Phoebe Moves in Stereo: How Fast Times at Ridgemont High Gave Birth to a Classic Scene
by Mike McGranaghan

John Carpenter and the Apocalypse: A Study of Three Films
by Justin LaLiberty

Lost Video Archive: Skatetown USA
by Seth Goodkind

Aural Enigmas: Sound Design in Ti West’s The Innkeepers
by Todd Garbarini

Japan’s Direct to Video Explosion
by Josh Johnson

Firing Broadsides: Creating a Horror Canon
by C. Rachel Katz

Corpse Fucking Art: A Guide to Necrophilia in Horror Cinema
by Samm Deighan

“I’m sorry if the end of the world makes me a little nervous.” An Interview with Kelli Maroney
by Chris Hallock

What’s In A Name? The Rise and Decline of Hollywood Fall Guy Alan Smithee
by James Gracey

Last Words: Burn the Innocents with the Aggressors
by S. Patrick Gallagher

The Frankenstein Theory: Footage that Can Stay Lost

“From the creators of The Last Exorcism comes The Frankenstein Theory! And when we say creators, we mean one guy who produced The Last Exorcism, not so much created it, but them is details! Just watch our damn movie already!

YOU LIKED THE LAST EXORCISM!!”

Directed by Andrew Weiner, The Frankenstein Theory injects the classic movie monster, Frankenstein, or Frankenstein’s Monster if you’re being a dick, into the found footage subgenre. The film all but completely follows the plot of numerous found footage films (Blair Witch, Troll Hunter, etc.), where a group of documentary filmmakers go to a dangerous, unpopulated area to find a mythical “creature.” In this case, the creature is the one and only Frankenstein, who according to the film’s lead character, Professor John Venkenheim (Kris Lemche), is not just a piece of fiction created by author Mary Shelley but a flesh and blood monster waiting to be discovered.  

Finding Frankenstein (which would be a great reality show title) has become Professor Venkenheim’s life’s work; an obsession that, due to his outrageous theories, has resulted in him being suspended from his university job as well as created a rift in his relationship with his wife. These roadblocks only seem to fuel Venkenheim, so naturally this leads to him and a documentary film crew going to the rim of the Arctic Circle in order to prove his theory and gain back the respect of his colleagues and family. What ensues is, as I already alluded to, a very stereotypical found footage style of traveling to a remote location in search of Frankenstein which, naturally, goes awry.

The Frankenstein Theory is played off as a “documentary gone wrong (a subgenre of Girls Gone Wild),” and as is the case with most docs, it looks good, as opposed to the shaky, amateurish lensed found footage flicks recorded by non-filmmaker types. This "tactic” gives the opportunity to make a good looking film. On the other hand, however, it also lacks that feeling of authenticity that makes better found footage movies effective. The film is a little too glossy to be believable, but that isn’t quite the worst of the issues that I have with The Frankenstein Theory.  

To go along with the pedestrian narrative, The Frankenstein Theory is filled with generic, uninspired characters that we’ve become accustomed to in this subgenre. The obsessive character trying to find proof of something mythical, the snarky and skeptical film crew, the sympathetic character who wants to believe in Venkenheim, and so on and so forth. Things don’t get much better when it comes to the horror elements, either. In fact, nothing that any person would ever consider to be “scary” really happens for at least the first hour. And there’s not even much build up outside of the ‘sounds outside of a cabin’ Blair Witch tactic that, unlike Blair Witch, isn’t effective in the least. This approach could be considered a slow-burn in a better crafted film, however, the fire never even gets started in The Frankenstein Theory.     

One last thing I need to touch on is the cast (all of whom are very good, actually), specifically Kris Lemche. While Lemche gives a good performance as Professor Venkenheim, having an established genre actor in a film that’s going for the found footage angle is not a great idea. Seeing Lemche in the opening seconds of a movie that’s playing itself off as real is the fastest way to take me out of the story. How many found footage films have you seen that stars actors you are very familiar with? I can’t even think of one, but I’m not really trying, either, so take that as you may.

I’m a total sucker for found footage movies, and I’ve enjoyed most that I have seen (and I have seen quite a few); however, The Frankenstein Theory is one of the weakest that I’ve come across. Regardless of the fact that the film is decently made, has some good performances and even has a great winter setting, it simply doesn’t deliver the goods as a horror film. Worse yet, it’s intensely uninteresting, and an uninteresting story piled on top of a total lack of actual horror results in a completely forgettable experience.

CNAMB’s Best Movies of 2012

Seeing as it’s already the middle of March, I think it’s time I shared with you and the rest of the world my favorite films of 2012 because if I procrastinate any longer it’ll be 2014. As is the case with every year, I wasn’t able to see every film I wanted to before putting my list together, many of which came from directors I really love, such as The Master and Hara-Kiri, for example. But hey, that’s the name of the game, and everything I did miss will be caught up with in the coming weeks, so I got that going for me. Anywizzle, I tossed together what I think it a pretty solid list of 20.5 films that I loved as well as a bunch of honorable mentions, so I’ll shut my hole and let the list speak for itself.

20. Young Adult

Driven by fantastic performances from Charlize Theron and an equally strong Patton Oswalt, Young Adult was one of the biggest surprises of 2012. The deceiving marketing kept Young Adult way off my radar, but when enough trustworthy people had very good things to say about it, I knew I had to give it a chance. And boy am I happy I did. Young Adult is an honest unflinching look at self-inflicted loneliness, and the character of Mavis Gray is one of the ballsiest I have seen in some time. Not only is she frighteningly crass and unlikable, it’s hard not to feel sympathy for her, because she is so totally pathetic as a human being.

19. REC 3: Genesis

I’m a huge fan of the first REC and, save for the second act, really enjoyed REC 2, so it’s fair to say I am a fan of the REC formula. With that said, I was more than willing to see the series take a different turn and was really thrilled with the results. The humor worked well enough, and I enjoyed the break from the found footage style of filmmaking, but what I think I really enjoyed about REC 3 most is the pure fact that I felt like I was watching a modern, proper sequel to Lamberto Bava’s Demons’ movies. From the totally awesome wedding reception setting to the visual of a chainsaw wielding, demon slaying bride, REC 3 brought a true smile to my horror loving face. 

18. The Tall Man

Following up his 2008 masterpiece, Martyrs, Pascal Laugier’s The Tall Man is a gorgeously crafted film that was a victim of dishonest marketing that made the film out to be much simpler than it actually is. The Tall Man starts off as a seemingly stereotypical dramatic thriller, only to take numerous, and very surprising, twists and turns, delving into a tale that, to put it broadly, questions a township’s ability to care for their own well-being, specifically the well-being of their children’s future. It’s certainly not the horror film it was wrongfully marketed as, but the numerous hours I spent thinking about the film as well as the many conversation I had with my boo about its themes made The Tall Man a surprisingly thoughtful and enjoyable watch for me.

17. Prometheus

Ridley Scott’s not quite (but totally is a) prequel to Alien was a mixed bag for me. I found it to have some flaws (none of which involve helmet removal or space snakes, though), most of which were character and consistency related. Regardless, the minor issues I had with the film were not enough to spoil what I found to be a thoroughly epic and utterly gorgeous visual masterpiece. Prometheus succeeds as a true science fiction spectacle, however, it also delivers some masterfully crafted moments of tension and horror. It’s certainly not Alien, and to even make the comparison is quite unfair, but the positives are far too great for me to not give Prometheus a place on my best of the year list.

16. Fritt Vilt 2

It seems as if every year I have a film on my best of the year list that, for some ridiculous reason, hasn’t seen a North American release. This would be the case with Fritt Vilt 2 (which is apparently on it’s way to DVD), a 2008 sequel to the successful and quite solid 2006 Norwegian Slasher film. Fritt Vilt 2 is what I consider a rarity, doing something that very few sequels have been able to do: be better than the first film. From the beautiful snow-covered mountain backdrop to the desolate halls of a hospital on the verge of closing down, Fritt Vilt 2 successfully secludes its characters from the safety of the world, leaving them vulnerable to a little classic stalk and slash. While the movie succeeds as a slasher film, the biggest strength lies within the characters, who are not only intelligent, they feel real, with real problems and concerns. Also, much like the first film, the presence of strong female characters are abound, and I don’t mean your basic, typical slasher movie final girl, either.

15. Dredd

I have no real relationship with Judge Dredd. I never read the comic nor have I seen the Stallone film, therefore my only real knowledge of the character comes Anthrax’s ‘I Am the Law’, and that’s about it. With that said, as a genre film fan and a comic book fan, Judge Dredd and the word he inhabits has always been of great interest to me, so I was naturally very excited by the prospect of a film adaptation that looked to be taking itself seriously while also delivering the action goods. And boy does Dredd deliver on all fronts. The characters are as hard-nosed as the action on the screen, and the film is surprisingly well put together, with some truly dazzling visual moments strewn throughout. Dredd is a pure tough-guy action movie, and something that I never would have expected to come out of a big theatrical release.

14. Argo

I’m writing this post-Oscars and, seeing as it’s at number 14 on my list, I can’t help but feel that Argo has gotten a little more love that I feel it deserves. However, that is not to take away from what a great film that Argo truly is because, flawed or not, Affleck delivered a real nail biter filled with wonderful performances and a story that draws its viewer into the character’s plight. Following films such as Gone Baby Gone (Affleck’s best film, in my opinion) and The Town, Argo cements Ben Affleck as one of the best new American filmmakers, and someone whose career I look forward to watching evolve in the years to come.

PS  Ben, I would like it if you used your brother more. Thanks.

13. Jiro Dreams of Sushi

I hate fish. I hate fish as much as that guy in the Magic Bullet commercial hates broccoli (what an asshole, by the way). Why on earth would I ever care about a movie about a guy who makes, like, the bestest ever sushi ever of all time?! What was done in Jiro Dreams of Sushi sexualized, no, sensualized a food I despise in a way that captivated my every being. No matter how many times Jiro and his sons were shown, in slow motion, preparing their specialty dishes, I couldn’t help but drool over the presentation. It really is pornography for food, but like really classy pornography. Incredible slo-mo food boners notwithstanding, the driving force behind this magical documentary is the subject matter, which focuses on a man who has dedicated his entire life to a craft that he is truly passionate for.

12. The Avengers

Even though I’m a big comic book guy and have, for the most part, enjoyed the onslaught of comic book adaptations that’ve been churned out over the last 10-15 years, I really wasn’t all that jazzed about The Avengers. I had this instant feeling that the film would be an utter failure, but after the immediate positive word that hit when the film was released, I couldn’t resist seeing it for myself, and boy was I not at all disappointed. Outside of the totally hokey Loki (sorry, but he is), there are so many great things to say about what Joss Whedon did with The Avengers, but what it comes down to is the final act of the film, which may have given me the biggest comic book geek boner I have had since the introduction of Wolverine in the first Bryan Singer X-Men film.

11. Seven Psychopaths

While not quite at the same level as the absolutely fantastic In Bruges (which is a high standard, to be fair), Martin McDonagh came out swinging with his sophomore effort, Seven Psychopaths. What makes Seven Psychopaths such a great movie very much mirrors what made In Bruges so great, in that the mix of genre sensibilities is so refreshingly enticing. The film has moments of genuine emotion and heartfelt character development mixed with outrageously graphic violence as well as a sense of humor that puts 95% of Hollywood comedies to shame. However, the cream of this psychopathic crop is, without a doubt, the brilliant performance by Sam Rockwell, who manages to outshine a cast that is, in its own right, wonderful.

10.5. Safety Not Guaranteed

Damn it! I didn’t get a chance to see Safety Not Guaranteed until after this list was almost completely written (which means I’m writing this from the future!), so I’m just gonna jam this thing in here at a place where I think the film falls. Safety Not Guaranteed is the definition of charming; a romantic dramedy that has surprisingly deep characters who stray far away from the trappings of their archetype. Safety Not Guaranteed is a thoughtful film with thoughtful characters and wonderfully satisfying conclusion, and I really look forward to what Colin Trevorrow does next.

10. Bones Brigade: An Autobiography

While Stacy Peralta’s Bones Brigade: An Autobiography is a superbly made documentary that tells a story captivating enough for just about anyone, my feelings for this one are greatly impacted by the fact that I skated for about ten years, many of which are chronicled in this film. The intense swell of nostalgia that was brought upon by watching what is, essentially, my youth splashed across the screen was really quite touching and oddly poignant for me. Many of the people featured in this doc were idols of mine, and I truly loved having the opportunity to hear each of the individual stories and learning more about what drive each of Bones Brigade members as well as the sport itself. It’s incredible how many fascinating stories have come from just this one skateboard company (granted, they were big dogs); stories that anyone can enjoy, even people who don’t care about a board with four wheels.

9. Cabin in the Woods

One of the biggest and most entertaining surprises of 2012 for me was the Drew Goddard/Joss Whedon collaboration, Cabin in the Woods. What was seemingly a “teens getting killed in the woods” type of horror movie began to pique curiosity with its Rubik’s cube poster art and trailers featuring what appeared to be elements of sci-fi; things certainly not found in your typical “teens getting killed in the woods” horror flick. However, what was to come in the film’s final act was something that I believe many of us did not see coming, and much like the other 2012 Wheddon joint, The Avengers, it’s what happens in that last act that had me exiting the theater with the biggest grin across my face. Featuring an orgy of movie monsters of all shapes and sizes, from werewolves and giant spiders to killer clowns and faux Cenobites, Cabin in the Woods lovingly delivered a horror movie orgasm for the ages, and one that will not be matched again by a theatrical release anytime soon. 

8. The Grey

I really had no expectations for The Grey. The trailers made it out to be a hokey, stereotypical action flick (which I CAN love and appreciate), but the truth of the matter is that The Grey is poignant, beautifully crafted and touchingly sentimental, things not all too common in manly man cinema. And that’s another great thing about this one; not only is it an emotionally driven film, it very much harkens back to the classic tough guy cinema of the 70s. The Grey is a full-on survival film that forces a group of carefully written male characters to face an infinite amount of horrors, and together, through thick and thin, they do just that. From the frigid weather and the lack of food and water to the internal demons that these men both singularly and collectively face, The Grey throws the worst at them, and then tosses them to the wolves to make things all the more horrifying.

7. Zero Dark Thirty

Kathryn Bigelow follows up her fantastic 2008 film, The Hurt Locker, with another military tale, this time with her target being focused on Osama bin Laden and how his death by the hands of U.S. Navy SEALs came to be. The acting is superb, with great performances from all involved, most notably Jessica Chastain and Jason Clarke (and Scott Adkins!). The way the film is constructed is engaging in a way that actually made me forget that I already knew how it was going to end. With that said, what really struck me about Zero Dark Thirty was its final act, which is irresistibly tense and beautifully crafted. It’s a true payoff to a long, hard-fought journey that is hard not to be invested in due to how well made the film is as well as the subject matter contained within. 

6. Oslo, August 31st

Whenever I hear a small amount of buzz about lesser known films, I tend to avoid learning too much about them so I can erase the opportunity for expectations. I like to go in open and ready to be swept away, and that is exactly what happened with Oslo, August 31st. What really got me about Oslo is how it feels like it’s going nowhere for almost the first two acts, then, slowly but surely, it all began to come together. Suddenly, and quite unexpectedly, I was faced with the weight of one man’s internal struggle to live an unfulfilled life where heartache and pain are constant. By the time the credits rolled, I was as invested as I could be, and all that would come beforehand made complete and total sense. 

5. The Raid

2012 was really the year of the action film, and if any film was proof of that, it was Gareth Evans’ The Raid. Following up his impressive rookie effort Merantau, Evans reunites with martial arts actors Iko Uwais and Yayan Ruhian to bring to life one of the most impressive and insanely violent martial arts film of the past ten years. The Raid was, without a doubt, one of the best cinematic experiences I had in 2012, and nothing is cooler than actually seeing a low-budget, Indonesian action film at a multiplex. Pure, unadulterated satisfaction.

4. The Hunter

I had no idea what The Hunter was about before giving it a watch, yet the film was still somehow able to completely surprise me with how different it is from what I expected of it. What would appear to be a sort of macho tough guy type of film on the surface (and it sort of is that, in a way) turned out to be a very touching and, surprisingly, sad film at times. The film is beautifully shot and the Australian mountain locations are absolutely breathtaking. The slow pace is befitting to the reflective nature of the lead character, played wonderfully by Willem Dafoe, while also working as a great build up to some very unexpected conclusions for a handful of characters; conclusions that really hit me on an emotional level. Lastly, I can’t talk about The Hunter without mentioning how much I loved the two kids in the film, specifically Morgana Davies, who plays the incredibly adorable Sass. I believe we all know kids can very well break a film, and in the case of The Hunter, they make it.  

3. Django Unchained

It’s almost a given that any new Quentin Tarantino film is going to make my best of the year list, and quite frankly, it’s not a surprise considering I am an unabashed QT fanboy. Now, admittedly, Django Unchained didn’t quite blow me away like Inglourious Basterds initially did a few years back, but it’s a film that has stuck with me since seeing it and has certainly grown stronger upon reflection. This is especially true with the character of Dr. King Schultz, an immensely deep character whose evolution throughout the film is as fascinating as any character QT has ever written. And it doesn’t hurt that Christoph Waltz is fucking brilliant. Anyway, the beauty of Tarantino’s films are in how they marinate and grow better and better with subsequent viewings, and I really look forward to a future spent loving Django Unchained more and more with each viewing I take in.

2. Moonrise Kingdom

It seems like I’m one of the only people who actually likes this film, let alone loves it, and I really think that’s unfortunate because, for me, Moonrise Kingdom is such a genuinely sweet and imaginative film. Unlike most people, I was completely engaged by the lead characters, Sam and Suzy, and I think they were both brought to life by great performances. Again, for me, here is another case of kids making a film, but regardless of the two leads, Moonrise Kingdom is filled with fantastic performances by numerous great actors, many of which are doing things outside of what one would expect from them, and that’s especially the case with Edward Norton and Bruce Willis. I’m a pretty big fan of Wes Anderson’s films and really love the specific aesthetic that he brings to the screen, and Moonrise Kingdom is just a perfect culmination of his years building a fantasy world where only his characters can live in.

1. Beasts of the Southern Wild 

I suppose I’ll have to once again mention how important a child’s performance is in the success of a film heavily featuring one, and no film features the power of childhood innocence better than Beasts of the Southern Wild. This is also another film that, despite the mostly positive critical reception, many people didn’t seem to care about, but I guess that speaks to my specific tastes in cinema. I tend to gravitate towards emotionally driven character pieces, and no film hit me more emotionally than Beast of the Southern Wild. The exploits of Hushpuppy as she goes on her imaginative journey through the hardships of life are as inspiring and touching as they are saddening. Beasts is a truly heartfelt film set in a world where happiness doesn’t come easy, but it’s still there to be had, despite the odds stacked against the characters. In a lot of ways, Beasts is a great companion piece to 2010’s Winter’s Bone, which forces viewers to look at a world that many of us never knew existed, while also focusing on a strong, independently minded female character who will stop at nothing for her family.

Honorable Mentions

And with great honor, I would like to give a few honorable mentions. And by few, I mean a lot:

Invisible War * Universal Soldier: Day of Reckoning * Premium Rush * Queen of Versailles * Jeff, Who Lives at Home * The Dark Knight Rises * Citadel * Killer Joe * The Pact * Dead Season * Screaming in High Heels: The Rise & Fall of the Scream Queen Era * Excision * Silent Night * The American Scream