Because I care

Since there hasn't been a hangover worth doing for the second week in a row now, I thought I would take this time to focus on something that is of the utmost importance to me. Your safety.  A buddy of mine showed me this workplace safety video some time back, and while I have seen plenty of classic safety videos, this is one that comfortably sits on a throne of blood, ruling over all others. The wonderful music, the phenomenal acting, and of course, the gruesome, incredibly violent and blood soaked deaths! This shit is like watching a Final Destination film in under five minutes, but better! I shall give ye a warning as this video does contain many violent images that kick a ton of ass, but it is OSHA approved, so it's okay.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Just Say…Maybe? Edition!

Here we go again, with yet another funkdafied edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, and boy did you pick a hell of a time to check what we got going on up in here. I see a cat like you strolling in, looking all decked out, ready to do this party right, and we have just what the doctor ordered to make your night nothing short of alright. What you need? Want some coke? Have some weed? You know me, I'm your friend, your main boy, thick and thin. I'm your Pusherman.

Written and performed by the great Curtis Mayfield, Pusherman appeared on the 1972 album, Super Fly, which would double as the official soundtrack to the Blaxploitation classic of the same name. Deservingly ranked on numerous best album lists, Super Fly is one of the greatest to come out of the era as well as one of the best to come from a Blaxploitation film. The anti-drug themed collection has plenty of unforgettable tracks from Superfly to Freddie's Dead, but my personal favorite of the bunch is Pusherman. There's something about the way Mayfield speaks the raw point of view lyrics in a fashion that, while not actually being sung, still comes off as very soulful. It simply gives off this cool vibe, and the way his meaningful words simply flow off of his tongue are certainly a major piece of influence on Hip-Hop music.   

I was actually planning to use the Mayfield in film club performance from Super Fly because I simply love that scene, but I also love the monologue that Carl Lee (who ironically died of an over-dose) gives at the beginning of this clip too. It perfectly sets up the awesome drug dealing/making moves photo montage, which plays as an integral turning point for the film's characters. If you've never seen Super Fly, it is a must, but if for whatever reason the genre isn't your bag, then the music is most definitely worth your time. 

The Last House on the Left 2009: Rebuilt With Different Tools

*Spoiler Warning* If you aren't familiar with the story of The Last House on the Left, then there are spoilers in this review. However, everything I have written here is shown in the trailer, but I feel a warning is still worthy. -Me 

Not all remakes are created equal and while this is a time when remakes are one of the biggest downfalls, complaint inciters and problems with the movie industry, it isn't so much remakes that are the problem, it's the people behind them. Shitty movies are always abound, it's not just remakes of films that we horror fans hold near and dear to our heart that muck up the cinemas. However, they do encapsulate the many issues Hollywood has, namely the lack of creativity and respect for the art of film. Taking what once was great, only to churn out a lesser version for the sake of a quick buck.

As is the case with all cinema, there's the good, there's the bad, and occasionally we are graced with a remake that is done properly. This would be the case with 2009's reboot of the Wes Craven/Sean Cunningham exploitation classic, The Last House on the Left. The story remains similar enough to what was done back in 1972, focusing on two teenage girls, Mari and Paige (Sara Paxton and Martha MacIssac), that are abducted by a demented family of criminals led by an escaped convict named Krug (Garret Dillahunt). After Paige is murdered, and Mari brutally raped, the gang unknowingly take refuge in the summer home belonging to Mari's parents. Woops.

As was the case with the last Last House, this version is simply a modern retelling of The Virgin Spring, putting a set of parents in the position to face the people that would bring harm to the child that they brought into the world. One of the big differences between both this take and the previous versions of the story is that their daughter survives and (barley) makes it home, which is partly how the parents become aware that it was their houseguests that did this to her. While it seems like it may have been a commercially acceptable attempt to take away from the shock of having both girls murdered, it actually works on a different emotional level, as the father knows that one of the men, staying in his home, raped his own daughter.

What works about the film in comparison to the original, is the fact that it is a glossy and well-crafted update. One of the many complaints for a remake of a gritty film from our past is that the new one will be an overly pretty-fied version that will have no chance of capturing what was done in the original. However, that is what actually works for this incarnation. I've already seen a grimy and grungy version of The Last House on the Left, so seeing the story with a different pallet actually gives the film its own identity. To be a successful remake, there needs to be a separation form the source material and to go with a stylistic and well-crafted version is a major departure from 72's Last House.

Another major piece of the successful remake puzzle is being able to somewhat improve upon what was done with the original film. While I love Craven's Last House, and consider it an exploitation classic, it is certainly not without its problems. Two that immediately come to mind are some of the dialogue scenes between the parents as well as everything involving the two police officers. Overall, in this update, the dialogue is solid and mostly natural for all the characters, including the teenage girls, the rents and the gang of psychos. And of course, there is not a cop in sight, but it would be hard to not improve upon the police scenes that were found in the '72 Last House. Even if one of the cops was the leader of the Cobra Kai.

With Last House being a rape revenge film, it is that aspect that works as the film's vengeful drive. While this update is not nearly as brutal as its predecessor, it definitely has its moments and the rape scene itself is a tough watch, as it should be. However, there is an emotional additive that was not found in the Craven film, and after the rape there is an intense and uncomfortable quietness between a few of the characters, namely the female of the group, Sadie (as played by Riki Lindhome), that spoke volumes as to how heinous an act it was, even to a couple of seemingly heartless murderous thugs. No matter how bad of a person she is, Sadie is still a woman, and rape is one of the worst things that can ever happen to one, so this was a nice touch of humanity to see her slight but important reaction to the events.

Now, I'm giving this film a lot of credit, and while it is mostly deserving, it is not without its own faults. While the cast is actually quite impressive all around - with a group of actors that have collectively seen a fair share of genre  work - they all sure are purdy. I'm fine with the parents and teenage girls being attractive – they are the seemingly perfect people  that are having their lives thrown into chaos, so they should fit that mold. But why can't Krug's gang be at least a little bit ugly? Not a one of them is nothing short of attractive, and no amount of creepy facial hair and snarling can take that away from their looks. It truly speaks volumes as to the difference between 70's cinema and the cinema of today. Ugly people were put in film for that reason and David Hess is an ugly dude and so isn't the entire gang in 72's Last House, and they are a whole lot more intimidating than the '09 crew because of it.

There are other minor faults (some would state the film's final moment as one, which I somewhat liked in a throwback to outrageous 80's horror sort of way) and this movie is far from perfect, but director Dennis Iliadis made a film (with the help of both Craven and Cunningham) that takes from the original what was necessary and crafted a movie that can stand on its own two feet…even if the house isn't actually the last one on the left or not.

The Time Is Near, But Not Nearly Close Enough Apparently

If you weren't already aware, there is very little as far as shopping goes in my crack of the butt. The closest mall is about an hour drive, so when ever my filet of solemate and I get the chance to make it to an area with a copious amount of shopping to do, it's somewhat of an exciting thing. This past weekend we went to an area with a lot of strip malls, as well as a regular mall, and I of course had one thing on my mind… 

I know for a fact that when I see a store of this size, with a sign made of dreams and wet butterfly kisses, I am in for a real treat. Deciding to save this behemoth for last was a good call since it would give us – well…me - something to look forward to after our adventures at the mall. However, nothing can take the gas right out of your ass quite like driving up, only to see a sign that says "Opens September 1st!" If you look at the date, like right now, it's not September 1st. Not even a little bit. This treat quickly turned into a trick right before my eyes, and to say all my dreams were suddenly crushed and pooped on would be an understatement.

However, there was a sliver of magical dust that was sprinkled on this darkened day, which came in the form of a Yankee Candle store that was located at the mall. After much deliberating - and sniffing - me lady and I decided that the scent of Farmer's Market would best suit the festivities known as fall. Seriously, it smells so incredible that I simply cannot get enough of it. I accidentally got some on my fingers and just couldn't hold back from smelling them constantly all day long afterwards. Imagine what the cashier at the gas station must've thought, especially since I was there to use the toilet.

To go with this candle of awesome - and after another majorly tough decision - I picked out this wonderful Flickering Haunted House Jar Shade. You can clearly tell that this thing is rad in the photo, but of course, there is not a photo that can truly capture just how great this thing looks when it's dark and it illuminates my surroundings with spooky specters and happy haunts. It's Halloween happiness in the purest form, and it should certainly hold me over until September 1st hits. 

A Guest Post From A Strange Kid

I just wanted to take a quick moment of your time to direct you to a little piece I wrote over at Strange Kid's Club. It's a look at The Contraption, a fantastic short horror film that came out in the late 70's and made more than a few appearances on the one time cable horror giant, the USA Network. So make sure you stop by and check out the short as well as my thoughts on it, you won't be disappointed. And I definitely want to thank the brains behind the Kid's Club, Rondal, for having me spew some of my useless ramblings on his site.

On an even quicker side note, if for some awful reason you did not read my review of Moon, it was just recently republished over at the Movie Fan Fare sub-site of Movies Unlimited. So that's pretty cool.

Okay, that's it. 

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: NEEEEEERDS! Edition!

I think most men (and some women) within my age range (late teens-to-early twenties) grew up huge fans of Revenge of the Nerds. I used to watch the first two films like it was going out of style, and much of the appeal to a young male such as myself was definitely the T&A and the toilet humor. What more does one need. Actually, there is something that is needed when enjoying a juvenile comedy with a heart of gold, and that's a musical number!   

Now, I haven't seen any of the Nerd films in a long time, but if I remember correctly, it is this performance that wins the nerd crew the talent show portion of some contest they had where they faced off against the oppressive jocks. This is the performance that won them their freedom.

The first thing I notice when watching this clip, is how funny Poindexter is. Seriously, he is definitely the dork of the group, so nerdy that he can't even make spiky hair and an electronic violin seem cool. Even if any girls were to actually get wet from seeing this epic nerd performance, I bet they all passed by Poindexter for Booger. His hip motions weren't helping his case any either. Still, nowadays he might be able to pass himself off as a hipster, so maybe P-Dex was really just ahead of his time.

Of course, how can I talk about this off the chain performance without bringing up the true star of the show, which comes in the form of hip-hop legend, Lamar Latrell. Dude breaks it down with style and deserves some credit for the flavor he brings to this other wise nerd-centric stage show. He also deserves some cred for being as gay as he was and not hanging around with a better looking group of cats. Maybe he did so just so he could be the one with the most styles perhaps. It's kind of like the pretty girl that hangs with a bunch of busted looking chicks, just so she can be the prettiest.

Anyway, this is a classic scene that simply bleeds 80's cheese, and it is definitely quite entertaining seeing it again, especially because I probably thought it was cool at some point.

Hard Revenge Milly: Revenge Is A Dish Best Served Hard

Hard Revenge Milly (Hâdo ribenji, Mirî) is a Japanese action film that places its focus on Milly (Miki Mizuno), a young woman who is looking to take revenge on those that murdered her family and left her for dead. For the first half - of this very short 44 minute film – time is spent with Milly as she reflects on what happened to her and her family in a series of intercut flashbacks. All of this is happening while she is in the midst of taking her revenge, as she takes out one of her enemies, uses him as bait, then waits for the rest of his crew to show up so she can take care of them next.

Definitely targeted at Western audiences, Hard Revenge Milly is a mixed bag that works in a few ways, but fails in many others. Much like the new wave of over-the-top Japanese exploitation cinema of recent years, the film has some outlandish elements, but they really don’t fit in well with this film. Hard Revenge Milly is - for much of the short runtime - very serious in how it presents itself but trades in that tone in the second half for outlandish enemies and silly deaths that go way overboard.

Seeing as this is an action film - with a character that carries a samurai sword and has a shotgun embedded in her leg - the film goes about getting to the action at a dead snail's pace. When the viewer is first introduced to Milly, it is as she does an impressive and very bloody kill, then the movie goes back to what led her to that moment as we learn a little about her character. Now, the next action oriented moment doesn't happen until 12 minutes in, and it's the same one that the film opens with. Cool scene, but in a film this short, I expected a lot more to happen by that point.

No real action even happens until 20 or so minutes into the movie, which is half its length, but it is how this slow build up to the action is handled that would actually be the strength of Hard Revenge Milly. All of the focus is on Milly, who silently prepares and waits patiently for her targets to show so she can eradicate them. As she is preparing, Milly has her motivational flashback moments so the viewer can see just what put her in the place she's in now.

It is nice to have a movie such as this go a reflective route, but it also is all for not when things begin to get goofy. If you're doing a film like this, go all the way with the cartoonish elements or don't go at all. There could have been a solid little movie here if the tone had stayed serious. Director Takanori Tsujimoto definitely has talent which is displayed quite nicely in what is a very low budget film. With some great angles and use of space, the movie is nicely made overall and a bit reminiscent of the styling of an unpolished Ryuhei Kitamura.

While I generally prefer my Martial Arts styled action to be grand and very open in scope, Hard Revenge Milly goes the way of quick edited action sequences, but it is done most impressively with some great editing. The scenes are tight and most of the time the action was easy to follow and made sense in how it flowed. However, some of the action is taken down a notch with the abysmal CGI and practical make up. It's not all bad, but there are some awful moments that would seem completely out of place and really take away from the serious tone that the movie has at times.

Overall, Hard Revenge Milly is okay at best. It would've been nice if the filmmakers chose to go one way or the other - preferably the more serious tone - as I would really like to see what Takanori Tsujimoto is capable of as a patient storyteller. In addition, while I have enjoyed the insanity that has come out of Japan that is geared towards American audiences, it has all become a little tired and played out. I enjoyed the film just enough to want to check out the sequel, subtitled Blood Battles, but I hope it can step it up a bit as it does come in at 74 minutes, which may prove to be too much for a film of this ilk if some of these wrongs aren't at least somewhat righted.

The Horror Hangover

Here we are once again to bring you the best cure for a hangover - which is to just lay there crying and hoping for death while watching movies, essentially - and this day gives us a slew of worthwhile televised cinema to drool to throughout your painful afternoon. So, try and pull yourself together, go grab a cup of coffee, take a draught beer dump, wish for death, then sit that ass back down for The Horror Hangover.    

10:00 gets us started as AMC beats its own chest in the hopes of causing a wicked bruise when they show their Fear of Mark Wahlberg. Can you blame them, dude was down with the funky bunch for crying out loud. In all seriousness, I have always liked Fear, in the guiltiest of ways, naturally, but it is a fun rollercoaster of a ride that hopefully doesn't result in Wahlberg digging deep to Wild Horse for you.   

Next, we head over to IFC for a 10:30 showing of the supernatural thriller, Dark Mirror. I actually reviewed this film for Paracinema waaaay back before I had even the slightest grasp of grammar (like it's better now), and I found it to be a mediocre but worthwhile enough watch. It's a pretty low budget affair and, with its lead character being a woman under some sort of duress, Dark Mirror has a slight Lifetime quality to it. It does have some good moments as well as a few good ideas to boot, so I can give this a recommend to anyone that can barely handle the conscious world do to alcohol intake.  

Now we can go right ahead and spend the rest of the day with the ever so reliable SyFy. We'll start with an 11:00 showing of Timber Falls, a film I have never seen, but it looks decent enough and the reviews aren't too bad. So it may not be the worst way to spend your afternoon.

After Timber falls, SyFy kicks the map in a creek and ends up taking an unfortunate Wrong Turn at 1:00. Wrong Turn is a solid horror flick with a pretty strong cast, even with Eliza Dushku acting like a dude. Yeah we get it, you're tough because you put your foot up on a log and cross your arms on your knee with an intense look in your eye. Great look, honey. 

Finishing off the day, SyFy follows up Wrong Turn with its sequel, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, at 3:00. This is a sequel that has shown up on more than one Hangover, and I had not seen it any of those previous times. However, after a $5 purchase from the bargain bin at a soulless superstore, I have finally seen this much applauded sequel and thought it was good…enough. Maybe not as great as everyone claims, but for a direct-to-DVD sequel, it is certainly a solid and enjoyable horror film. However, I am sure everyone that loves the film had shit expectations, were very surprised by it not sucking, then told me so, thus giving me some smidgen of expectation (none of that made sense, did it?). Let me put it this way, I don't regret buying it, especially for the price I paid.

And after all that nonsensical gibberish our day is done, so thanks again for stopping by, and I'll see you next week.

Jan Terri's Friday Night Dance Party!

What up all you hopping hepcats! I'm simply thrilled to see you've taken time out of your day to join me for another edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, but as the title would suggest, it is once again being hijacked. But who dare hijack such a well respected weekly event such as this? Well, there is only one person capable of doing so and that is the DIY diva herself, Jan Terri! The past few Dance Parties have been pretty good but there seemed to be something missing, so I thought it would be a swell idea to have my good friend Jan (not short for January, despite what many claim) come in and show us how to do something we all may have forgotten how to do…have fun.

I know I know, that is a whole lot of Miss Terri to be seen in one sitting but much like a bag of Lays, you can't watch just one (that makes absolutely no sense). Seriously, this woman is gold incarnate - I can sit here all night long just watching her sway back and forth with every movement simply mesmerizing me, calling me to get behind and wrap my arms around her waist, joining her in the off-beat rhythm as she sings into my eager ear. What I would give to be a pair of leather pants after seeing that Losing You video…that bitch can stretch me as tight as she wants.

While this isn't the usual Dance Party material, there is a connection, in a way, and that is Jan made these videos herself, on VHS no less. I think anyone that grew up in the VHS era can really appreciate what this broad brought to the table. Sex appeal, a voice, style, sass, beauty, moves that will make your privates sweat and all of it captured on a camera bigger than my car. Most people used video cameras to make home movie of their asshole kids eating dirt, or to record some lame soccer game, or maybe even to make an awful Zombie movie. But not Jan, oh hell no, that mother put on a real show with each incredible song brought to life using a multitude of genres. She is an inspiration as well as a goddess, and I am so excited to have had such a presence with us tonight. She is a true VHS Vixen, and a dear friend.

House of Wax

As the summer heat beats intensely pounding fiercely on my back, I hope and pray that the season will soon end – it's as simple as that. While darkness and chill slowly fill the air, I stroll up the walkway - with a bit less despair. The cold breeze is strong and digs deep inside my lung, I then soon realize that the time has nearly come. With each little step I take I have absolutely no clue, just what waits for me up ahead - oh whoopee doo. I reach inside a box of gold plated metal, but did not find bills, junk nor my Netflix copy of Barbra Streisand's Yentl. Instead I felt the full color pages of something great, something grand, something I find impossible to hate. All my humid summer woes were suddenly fast forgot, as I quickly entered my darkened home – without even the slightest of thought. The time has finally come and it's nearly too exciting for me to handle, as I opened up the 2010 Halloween edition of - Yankee Candle.      

The Horror Hangover

Hey hey hangers, it's time to gear up for another day of wondering how you got home last night - why is there a mixture of apple sauce and angel hair all over your kitchen floor - and who the hell are those people in your bed?! Well, now is not the time to answer these burning questions, as I think it would just be easier to let that shit play out on its own. Kick back, get comfy and prepare once again, for The Horror Hangover. Presented by Taco Bell's Über Taco Nacho Fiesta Torpedo.

Hope you're ready for the insanity of an all Lifetime/SyFy afternoon. To some, that's what life is all about, to others, it's time to head for the hills, even if they do have eyes. Wherever you may fall, the SyFy/Lifetime combo is a lethal one indeed, one that calls for a mixture of hair pulling, CGI monsters, torn women, bad medieval accents and of course, pure gold. Oh, and a fantastic chance that Capser Van Dien may show up somewhere. Or so we hope. 

Where should we start…okay, we'll get rolling with SyFy for an early showing of Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God at 9:30. This is actually a direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2000 D&D film, one that I admittedly have an incredible soft spot for. So I would probably give this a shot if it's on TV and I have nothing else to do, like wash my hair, or feed my cat, or maybe clip my toenails.

Up next, SyFy keeps it moving with Dark Relic at noon. And no, it's not about George Hamilton…he has more of a golden complexion as opposed to dark. Dark Relic is another movie set in the middle ages but with a touch of horror added for fun. From what I read about it, the acting is pretty good, the story is decent, but the film is not the best. But really, what can you expect when there is no Van Dien around?  

At 2:00 SyFy keeps with its Medieval theme with Witchville, witch has a TV Guide description of: A prince returns home and finds that his father is dead and the kingdom has been overrun by witches. Sold.

Finishing off the day for SyFy is In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at 4:00. Now, I am already tired of this genre just typing about it, but this Uwe Boll film is so entertaining for many reasons. Two of them being Mathew Lillard and Ray Liotta's intense performances. It is pretty terrible, but I have grown to enjoy Boll's films over the years. He makes true modern B-Movies without even trying.    

Boy, this Hangover just got really long all of the sudden, but luckily Lifetime isn't as bulbous as SyFy today, so why don't we head on over there for the last few films of the afternoon. First up comes Devil in the Flesh 2: The Fleshinator at 1:00. Okay, maybe it's not The Fleshinator, but I would imagine that there was a point in time when the thought crossed someone's mind in the marketing department. I can't imagine this one won't be solid – just look at the DVD artwork. 

And finally, our last film of the day, Wicked, comes to us at 3:00. Wicked stars Julia Stiles in one of her earlier roles, and out of everything on today's Hangover, this one seems to be the most interesting, as it is about a young girl that wants to be "with" her dad, and no one will stand in her way, not even her own mother. Kind of gross, but it makes for a perfect Lifetime movie and the perfect ending to this week's Hangover.

Jason's Friday Night Dance Party!

After a full year of dance parties presented by the son of a hundred maniacs, it's about damn time good old Jason got a little love around here, and what better time than on Friday the 13th? The answer is…there is no better time than Friday the 13th to show some respect for one of cinemas finest Slahser veterans, Jason M. Voorhees. Actually, I don't think he has a known middle initial, but it just sounded better. You know, more official. So, whether it be Ari Lehman, Warrington Gillette, Steve Daskawisz, Richard Brooker, Ted White, Tom Morga, C. J. Graham, Dan Bradley, Kane Hodder (!), Ken Kirzinger, Derek Mears or whomever The Man Behind the Mask may be in any given film, Jason is a horror icon that is rivaled by few, and I am happy to dedicate this party to that mongoloid maggot-faced sonuvabitch, on this - his special day.    

Written by Kane Roberts, Tom Kelly and performer Alice Cooper, He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask) appeared on the Constrictor album but is best known as the theme song for 1986's Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. The song was written as a sort of celebration for the return of Jason Voorhees after his annoying hiatus in A New Beginning, where Jason turned out to not actually be Jason, in a Friday movie that turned out not to be a good Friday movie. So you can guess that Jason's return was worth celebrating. 

Now, we all know that Freddy ruled the roost when it came to awesome music videos and song dedications, but He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask) is as good as anything from the Freddy camp, and it's unfortunate that there weren't a few more quality songs and videos like it for the Friday series. The song is incredibly catchy with an infectious chorus, and the use of ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma-ma simply brings a smile to my rotted face, though I am wearing a mask, so you can't tell. It's certainly great that the song is brought to life by Alice Cooper, someone that has always been so heavily influenced by horror and all things wicked in his music and Grand-Guignolesque stage act. Plus, he is Freddy's pops, so there is that whole connection there too.

Anyways, fantastic video, and I hope it starts your Friday spent with Jason films off on the right foot. Enjoy your Friday the 13th everyone, before you lack the blood and innards to do so.