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Thursday, October 27, 2011

It's like QVC but sluttier

You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.

WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!

One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.

Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!

Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.

4 comments:

  1. Matt--
    Quit talking about my cousin that way. It's a glandular disorder. Plus, the paternity test should be coming through any day now. Oh, and Rock Salt says Aldara will clear up that present he left on you last August.
    --monstervhsvision

    ReplyDelete
  2. *Take out earnings* What'd you say 'bout Salt?! ;)

    ReplyDelete
  3. I would have sex with the hostess of this show, but I would not associate with her afterwards.

    I also totally believed her story about being chased in the parking lot, and the video surveillance footage was the most intense thing I've seen all year.

    My only question: why doesn't anyone have to pay for any of the shit they walk off with in this video? She gets totally ripped off, like, twice.

    ReplyDelete
  4. She's clearly not a very good business woman giving all that product away! She would not make for a good meth dealer, that much I know.

    ReplyDelete

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