Friday, November 27, 2009

Sunday-Sunday-Sunday! Ms. Horror Blogosphere vs.!!

I have been pretty tempted to toss in my two cents about this whole ordeal here, but after much thought and deliberation, I have decided against it because it takes away from my time spent watching movies, writing moronic reviews and throwing sexist dance parties.

Everyone has said everything that can be said, and I agree with most people’s thoughts. It's just too bad that it's taking away from the entire reason we are all here, which is to talk movie shop. The entire blogging world is doing the Karloff thing or talking about this moronic made up non-issue, while I'm just sitting here all alone. Weeping like a willow.

I need to stir up a pot of some sort, and I think I will do so by coming out against one ply toilet tissue. For years I have conformed to the tyranny of this waste efficient source of rear cleaning known as one ply T.P., and I'm done with it! Say what you will, three ply for me, whether or not you like it! Public restrooms be warned...your time is almost up!

Now, maybe I'll get a ton of hits here at CNAMB for this faux issue, and instead of learning my thoughts, people will become outraged by my "toilet tissue issue" stance. The line has been drawn in the sand and either you like a bloody ass, or you don', what's it gonna be?


  1. You are not alone! (Sung to the tune of that Michael Jackson song, probably also called "you are not alone") I have many fun posts coming, The Omen review and the top 5 Spawns of Satan List! Join me in bringing the horror back to the community!

  2. I love your sexist dance parties!!

  3. Andre: It's all very unfortunate and it has gotten out of hand. Completely takes away from what we all do. The good thing is that deserving blogs like yours and the other bloggers involved (in the contest) are getting 10x the attention that you would have gotten from just the contest itself!

    You and I are taking horror back to the streets!

    Christine: Thanks, Christine! I knew you did because it give you and Dylan an excuse to bump an grind, Lambada style!

  4. One ply toilet paper is exploitative. In it's cheapness and with its feel that reminds me of sandpaper mixed with Edward James Olmos' face, one ply constantly exploits my poor pained asshole that is just trying to have some integrity in this world.

    One ply will surely not get my vote, and I join you brother in the crusade against public restrooms. That will also coincide with my mission to rid the world of those hair dryers that you're supposed to dry your hands with. I mean seriously your only options are paper towels that feel like a layer of cardboard box or a dryer that feels like a leper is weakly wheezing on your hands.

    I guess I have more problems with public restrooms than I thought. Now you have done it sir. Now you have roused the beast, and I will not stop until...

    ...ooh, shiny.

    Um so, yeah whatever I was talking about. I forget. If you need me I'll be in my lair watching some more Klaus Kinski.

  5. Great post! And for the record, my Name is Matt-suzaka!

    Got you a case of two ply Charmin for Xmas.

  6. Bugg: Olmos' face?! Yuck! Perfect description and I am happy to have you on board with my mission against one ply. Our statement will be "No more one ply, for this guy!"

    Pax err...I mean, Matt: Thanks and I actually could use it... running pretty low at the moment! You could use some one ply to wrap the Charmin instead of wrapping paper, but my question is, do I have to wait 'till Christmas eve to open it?

  7. Lets do it. I think we should make shirts. Maybe sponsor a fun run of some kind. For awareness, you know.

  8. One ply toilet paper is pretty much a one way ticket to a self prostate massage.

  9. I'm so down! I got the name and everything...M.A.A.D. Males Against Anal Discomfort!

  10. America needs to embrace the bidet - so to speak. They save trees, they're very effective, and they feel cool and refreshing. Get one that's powerful enough, and you can give yourself a high colonic!

    Unfortunately, they are French, so there's that.

  11. Ha! Well said, Senski...I have always wanted a bidet, but until your comment, I didn't know how to spell it! I wonder is Amazon carries them or not... As far as the French thing goes, we could just change the name to the Freedom Cleaner!

  12. One ply is a joke. You end up using triple the amount of paper, and even then the feeling is inadequate.

    Glad to hear someone finally addressing an issue that has long plagued mankind. Next up: why bathroom stall doors open inward, when there's never any room between you, the toilet, and the door. I've had to step on toilet seats just to get out. It's kind of a fire hazard.

  13. Also, I semi-agreed with Heidi from Pretty-Scary until she started posting more thoughts in the comment section of her post.

    To suggest the whole thing is merely a sham beauty contest and someone will vote based on a picture and not content is way more insulting to the females that participated than anything Brian asked. It's also insulting to the readers, it's like we have to say "What? No way, some of my favorite horror bloggers are ugly chicks." What a bunch of horse shit.

  14. Man...I should have named this post "Not a square, to spare!" if anyone gets that, you rule!

    Emily: Another thing that sucks is every time you try and unroll a couple feet of that flimsy T.P., it always breaks two squares deep!

    If it wasn't for the phone numbers directing me to easy lays and BJ's, I would stop using public restrooms all together.

    Mike: It's insulting to men in a way and the worst part is that all of the contestants are left right in the middle of it all and are almost forced to defend themselves. If it was a beauty contest, I would be a part of it...'cause I'm bangin' and I show my boobs to everyone!! Wanna see?

  15. A couple of feet? I can't roll two squares without it ripping! It's especially hard to spare a square when you can't unroll one square to spare. Pee on that, Jami Gerts!

    And yeah, bleh to the whole controversy. Since I was overly busy with work, holidaying, and being sick, I actually missed the main drama which seems to thankfully (or thanksKillingy) have died down.

    Now, in the words of my high school driver's ed instructor to the female instructor driving next to us with the window closed, "show us your tits."

  16. You got it! Not that Seinfeld is some obscure thing, but whatever. Shit is so funny!

    The temptation to go to "that site" that started it all and just leave this comment "Well, if they don't post pictures of the girls, what am I supposed to jerk off to?" It would be fucking hysterical!

  17. Brilliant idea Matt. I will join the crusade. Lars has jumped on the chance to make more money and has re-written a 'Tallica classic just for us. For Whom The Square Tolls will be our new rallying and marching cry.

    Also, you are right. The horror blogging community has lost sight of why its here in the first place and thats sad. This whole elitist attitude is kinda bumming me out.

  18. What is this Seinfeld you speak of? I was quoting Crossroads.

    So I gave into my own temptation and just posted a ridiculously long comment in 'that site's' thread. Sadly, the word tits never came up.

  19. Aaron: Purple.

    POT: Politics and social issues don't need to crossover into horror blogging, but whatever.

    And ha ha...'Tallica! For Whom the Square Tolls will be on the upcoming album, In Justice for Stall!

    Emily: You mean the movie with, THE KARATE KID?!

    I read your comment and well said...lack of tit talk and all!

  20. Oh yes, I mean the movie with Long Island's own KARATE KID!

  21. Fucking brilliant Matt!

    The complete track listing:

    1. The Thing That Should Not Pee
    2. ...In Justice For Stall
    3. For Whom The Square Tolls
    4. Master Of Ass Trumpets
    5. Disposable Tampons (for the ladies)
    6. Backsplash (instrumental)
    7. Creeping Diarrhea
    8. Bathroom Militia

  22. Emily: I think that's a Walter Hill movie too, if I'm not mistaken!

    POT: That is amazing!

    "Master of ass trumpets, I'm wiping your rim, unraveling the roll and splashing your rear!"

  23. Lets drop this horror blogosphere thing and make up a public restroom and bathroom tissue blogosphere.

    That's where the action is.

  24. Ha ha...I need someone to post an opposing view at another blog!

    We could argue the fact that recycled T.P. is not as good as the original, just like most remakes are considered to be not as good as the original!

    This idea is really shaping up!

  25. Did I miss out on some ridiculous drama? I havent seen a single post and had no idea going into this one what the issue was at hand, soo.. lost...

    Back to the issue at hand, I am a 1-ply, 3 sheet kinda guy. I think I may be weird though, because I always have to stand and I never knew people figured out how to wipe sitting down.

  26. Eww...that means it gets all mushed in between your cheeks! You're not the same guy that has to take his pants all the way down to pee in urinals, are you?!

    As for the dramarama, it was some business about some female opposition to The Vault of Horror's Ms. Blogoshpere contest that's going on now. It has swept the blogging world and made for some pretty fun drama!

  27. So I lived in Korea for a year and had to occasionally deal with squat toilets, which is, for a woman, quite strange. We're not supposed to stand while doing our business, and I too never figured out how to do it without just taking off my pants for fear (valid fear, as I once learned) of my aim hitting the wrong direction. So Matt...leave Carl alone.

    Now let's forget our troubles with a big bowl of strawberry ice cream.

  28. Korea?! That is very interesting to hear.

    Now, as for the peeing thing, if you were from my hometown and hung with my classy lady friends, you would know how to pee in a toilet like that (peeing in the woods is similar, I take it). Take your pants down to your knees, squat, throw your strong hand behind you, push your weight back and tinkle away!

  29. Maybe now that I play softball again and catch, my knees are back in shape for such a move. At the time, I was a lazy ESL teacher who found the very idea of (gasp) squatting dangerous and uncomfortable. Then again, I also once woke up sore from trying out a Buddhist temple stay and doing a lot of bowing, so maybe I was just incredibly out of shape.


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