Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Where My Dogs At?

After serving not nearly enough time for reprehensible animal cruelty, Michael Vick and his mistreatment of dogs is deserving of a fate much worse that the short prison term he served. What would I do if I were to decide the fate of the QB with the passing skills of my mom? I would let the dogs loose on him! Now, Vick is as fast as a bowel movement after a sit down dinner at Taco Bell, so you need special dogs to take this guy down and give him the punishment that he deserves. I'm not talkin' about Caesar Milan's little bitch ass pack of pooches; I'm talkin' straight thug dogs, the kind of dogs that would not get punked by no mark ass buster like Vick. Here is my list of dogs that I would choose to do the deed - these are the baddest of the bad - this is The Dog Pound!

Rottweiler - A rottweiler, that doubles as a cyborg?! Now that is scary. Any dog that rocks a pair of platinum fronts is as badass as it gets in my book. The only person who could possibly keep them self safe from certain death-by-dog would be, Robocop (or RoboGeisha perhapes?). Cause he's a cyborg type of dude, even then, does he really stand a chance? Altered by Science - to Wear Platinum Fronts!

Cujo - Awww, this cute little doggie has a barrel around his neck - too bad that barrel is filled with blood! This rabid St Bernard ain't playing any symphonies this time around; the only music Cujo will be bumpin', is the sweet sounds of your screams as he eats your ass. Who's the Boss now?

Man's Best Friend - More like Not Man's Best Friend. Another dog that reached monster status due to science, but unlike Rottweiler, this bitch is upgraded by genetics! This mutated mutt, Max, brings the terror to the Max. If you think you can out run him, you can't, if you think that you can peddle away on a bicycle, you can't, if you think you can climb a tree to safety, you just can't. There is no escaping Man's Best Friend!

White Dog - A dog that seems to be a sweet as pie, a pie with a blood filling! This dog isn't a cyborg nor does it suffer from rabies, this bleach blonde barker suffers from severe abuse by its former owners. This abuse results in the pale haired German Sheppard being more racist against black people than Bernie Mac in Don’t be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. However, this dog does take well to training if done properly, or so it seems, as this dog turns out to be racist against everyone that is not of the canine variety. Two leggers beware; White Dog is not cool with your ass!

Dog The Bounty Hunter - The biggest and baddest dog of them all, Dog the Bounty Hunter has no problem with making a fool out of you if you decide to skip bail. If the look of wavy mullets, and droopy tanned skin isn't enough to frighten ya, Dog also has his own pack that he roles with just in case he needs some back up. "No Brah…I'm the bounty hunter, dog!"

Man, Vick would be in some serious shit with this crew of mean mutts...he better carry around some milk bones for distraction, and hope for the best, and that he doesn’t run into that dog from Cabin Fever!

Later, dog.


  1. I haven't stopped giving my fiance shit since her Eagles signed him. Have you seen The Brood? Some scary pooches right thur, fo sho.

  2. *edit, The Breed. Got my horror flicks mixed up there.

  3. Close enough! I actually have The Breed on Netflix instant view...it looked like it could be entertaining. Is it decent? even if it isn't, I would probably still find something to enjoy in it. And the Eagles can have Vick, but I am very intrigued to see how they will use him and what role he will play.

  4. Thanks for including one of my all-time faves - Man's Best Friend! I lost my shit when I saw the TV ads for that back in the day. While it does have its lame aspects, I can't help but love a movie that has a killer dog spraying his acid piss on some poor schmuck's face.

  5. AH! "Mans Best Friend" FTW!
    When I started reading this I just KNEW you'd include that one. That movie is so wonderfully terrible.
    Also lol re: barrel of blood.

  6. Christine and Jeff: I knew Man's Best Friend would be the crowd favorite! It's hokey, and kinda silly, but man is it fun. Max is scary as all hell too, and I love all the dog tricks that he can do with his genetically enhanced self. Toss in the always fantastic Lance Henriksen and I'm sold!


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