‘The Purge’ Prize Pack Winner!

After an epic battle for the ages, a winner has been declared and crowned king of The Purge. Who will it be?! You’ll have to watch the video to find out!

Win A ‘The Purge’ Prize Pack!

I believe that most of you are aware of The Purge, but allow me to enlighten you anyway: The Purge is a horror film set during a time when all crime has been nearly eradicated due to a yearly “purge” where, from sundown to sunrise, all crime is completely legal.

During this purge, one family comes under attack by a group of criminals, forcing the family to do what they must to survive the night. And this is where the contest comes in: if you lived in a world where a yearly purge occurred, what measures would you go to in order to “survive the night?”

To find out how you would fare, take the quick quiz below, then share your results as well as your email address in the comments section, and you will be entered to win an exclusive The Purge prize pack that includes a t-shirt and mask. The deadline to enter is Sunday, June 9th, so act quickly so you can get your hands on this nifty little prize pack!

The ABCs of Death (2013): Horror Alphabe-DIE-zed

The concept behind The ABCs of Death is simple yet somewhat brilliant in theory. As the title suggests, this anthology film consists of 26 tales of death brought to life by 26 different directors, each of whom was given a letter of the alphabet to focus their story on. Each filmmaker was given free rein to do whatever they please with their story, so long as the title began with the letter they were assigned as well as a death to go with it.

As I said, brilliant in theory, but does The ABCs of Death deliver on its concept? Well, it’s difficult to review a 26 story anthology when there are so many parts that make the whole, so what I decided to do was give a simplistic mini-review for each short followed by a letter grade. This way you can skim each one and get a feel for how I reacted to each and every story as well as get an idea of my general thoughts on the film as a whole.

Before you move forward, however, it should be said that I mostly copied the notes that I took when I watched the film, so there will be moments where I break from the segments to talk about my feelings on the film at certain points during the movie. A sort of editor’s note, if you will, all of which will be wrapped around by a pair of *asterisks*.

A is for Apocalypse
By Nacho Vigalondo

A confusing look at a wife as she attempts to murder her husband while the apocalypse unfolds around them. Doesn’t make much sense, but it’s nicely shot and there is some seriously brutal knife violence.

Grade: B-

B is for Bigfoot
By Adrian Garcia Bogliano

A horny couple attempt to scare a young girl to sleep with a terrifying bigfoot story, giving them the opportunity to “bone” without interruption. Using such tactics for selfish means, however, bites the couple in the butt in this basic story that feels a little hollow.

Grade: C+

C is for Cycle
By Ernesto Diaz Espinoza

A well made and fascinating time travel focused short that follows a man through a time vortex located in his backyard shrubbery. This one does quite a bit with a little time.  

Grade: B

D is for Dogfight
By Marcel Sarmiento

D is as simple as a man fighting a dog in an underground street fight. Well, dogfight, would be more fitting, I guess. This one is, overall, satisfying and certainly gorgeous in terms of photography and the dazzling use of slow motion.

Grade: C+

*I’m very impressed with the high production value on display thus far. So far each short looks pretty fantastic and has its own distinct style.*

E is for Exterminate
By Angela Bettis

A creepy crawly tale about a man and the spider that is constantly “bugging” him. This one features some nice CGI work, and it’s simple premise makes for a satisfying little slice of horror comedy that, overall, feels complete as a short film.

Grade: B

F is for Fart
By Noboru Iguchi

A Japanese girl farts, which set off a series of transcendent female farting in this short that’s almost too strange and silly to enjoy. And that’s coming from a guy who LOVES farts. Especially his own.

Grade: D

G is for Gravity
By Andrew Traucki

A first person account of a man who drowns himself in the ocean. Too simple to be satisfying let alone poignant.

Grade: F

H is for Hydro-Electric Diffusion
By Thomas Malling

Seemingly set during WWII, H features a human-styled dog enjoying a strip tease from a human-styled cat who, unbeknownst to the dog, is a Nazi who wants to steal his power. I think? Outside of the visual look and the strangeness of this one, it didn’t capture my attention in any way whatsoever.

Grade: D+

I is for Ingrown
By Jorge Michel Grau

A woman is held captive by a man who injects her with something. I don’t know... this one looks great, but makes little sense.

Grade: C-

*By this point, The ABCs of Death is getting a little tedious, and I’m not even halfway through it yet. This does not bode well for my future...*

J is for Jidai-geki (Samurai Move)
By Yûdai Yamaguchi

A Japanese man makes a bunch of silly faces before committing Seppuku. That’s it.

Grade: D+

K is for Klutz
By Anders Morgenthaler

A nicely animated tale of a woman dealing with her turd, which has come back from the toilet to haunt her. Meh.

Grade: D+

*Yeah, things are getting very bleak.*

L is for Libido
By Timo Tjahjanto

A couple of men are strapped to chairs and forced to masturbate to an array of disturbing imagery. If they refuse to tug away, they get a spike in their butt. An unnecessary attempt at being controversial and shocking when it does a better job of coming off as stupid and pointless. Even the nudity cannot help this one out of the bottom of the barrel.

Grade: F

'M is for Miscarriage
By Ti West

A woman is shown fetching a plunger so she can unclog a blood-filled toilet. Despite being Ti West, who often makes movies that go against the grain of the genre proper in a way that can be almost alienating, I have a feeling he mailed this one in without much thought. Very unfortunate.

Grade: D-

N is for Nuptials
By Banjong Pisanthanakun

A man surprises his girlfriend with a talking bird who helps him make a proposal, but the bird soon sends him to the doghouse. Kind of funny. I guess.

Grade: C-

O is for Orgasm
By Bruno Forzani & Héléne Cattet

Seen through a series of brilliant imagery and fantastic sound design, a woman achieves the orgasm to end all orgasms as well as her life. Those familiar with Forzani and Cattet’s Amer will have a good idea of what to expect and likely see the brilliance of this one. Those who have not, however, will likely hate it.

Grade: B+

*Even after this solid and much needed entry, I cannot believe that I am still here taking notes and watching this thing. Again, tedious comes to mind, and I’m starting to feel like I’m knowingly wading into shark infested waters.*

P is for Pressure
By Simon Rumley

This one follows a financially poor woman who goes to extreme measures to provide for her children after a boyfriend steals all of her money and leaves her. I was a little confused about this one, but I think there’s a lot of depth that might be better appreciated upon multiple viewings.  

Grade: C+

Q is for Quack
By Adam Wingard & Simon Barrett

The filmmakers break the fourth wall and play themselves as they attempt to figure out how to deal with the crappy letter they’ve been dealt, Q. This is certainly one of the more entertaining shorts, and the ending is as satisfying as the humor.

Grade: B+

R is for Removed
By Srdjan Spasojevic

Surgeons remove patches of skin from a man’s deformed back only to reveal that each portion of skin is a piece of film stock. This one looks pretty good and I dig the body horror, but I have no idea what the hell is going on, nor do I even care at this point.  

Grade: D+
 

S is for Speed
By Jake West

Grade: D-

*With this last one, I have simply become tired of taking notes for each letter and, worse yet, I’m tired of paying attention. I’m almost completely checked out and only in it for the review by this point. These waters are getting very choppy.*

T is for Toilet
By Lee Hardcastle

A funny claymation short about a boy who takes a deadly poop.

Grade: B-

U is for Unearthed
By Ben Wheatley

This short is all shot from the perspective of a demon who is under attack in the woods by townsfolk and clergy, who seem to be attempting to exorcise the unseen creature.

Grade: C

*Again, my energy to keep going here is nearly depleted. The temptation to turn this thing off is starting to take over. Will I make it?! Seriously, I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.*

V is for Vagitus (The Cry of a Newborn Baby)
By Kaare Andrews

A cool looking sci-fi actioner with some great special effects and a moderately intriguing premise.

Grade: C+

W is for WTF!
By Jon Schnepp

Another short featuring the filmmakers trying to come up with ways to deal with the letter W, all of which are nicely realized in some form or another. Similar concept to ‘Quack’, but actually very different in its end result.

Grade: C+

*ALMOST DONE!! YAY!!!*

X is for XXL
By Xavier Gens

After a bunch of assholes make fun of a heavy set woman, she goes to extreme measures to measure up to the perception of women in magazines and on television. The results are absolutely brutal and quite satisfying.

Grade: A-

Y is for Youngbuck
By Jason Eisener

A revenge tale that gives a young boy the chance to get back at a creepy pedophile. This one really delivers as a whole and features some gorgeously garish style drenched by a seriously badass soundtrack.

Grade: B+

Z is for Zetsumetsu (Extinction)
By Yoshihiro Nishimura

Not all that positive about what’s happening in this one, but there’s a lot of nudity and Nazis featured in this psycho-sexual orgy of nonsense. Whatever.

Grade: D

*DONE!!*

There are few words that I can use to describe how badly The ABCs of Death fails. Regardless of the few strong entries and interesting concept behind the film, this anthology is simply an inconsistent mess that does nothing to keep the viewer hooked for more than a few segments.

I do love that there's so much diversity in style and with the directors involved, and having filmmakers from so many different countries contribute to this piece is fantastic; however, that is also a part of the overall problem, as The ABCs of Death simply doesn't feel cohesive as a piece of anthology cinema.

 

Morbid(2013): Party Crasher

Written and directed by Chuck Conry of Zombies Don’t Run fame, Morbid is a throwback to the Slasher films of yesteryear, focusing on a small town terrorized by a masked serial killer. Regardless of there being a psycho on the loose, the people of the community, police and all, are more concerned that the high school football team is about to play the biggest game of the season and the star quarterback, Sky Walker, is going to break some big record. Furthermore, a number of local teens forgo their fears of a masked killer and decide to throw a huge after-game party, which makes them all a prime target for a mass murderer. Who will survive the slaughter? The answer may be too MORBID for some of you to comprehend! Sorry.

Morbid opens with a scene featuring two horror fans debating how important Halloween is in the lexicon of horror, with the debate eventually moving to how Black Christmas came first (though, for the record, Silent Night, Bloody Night came before that) and used some of the ideas and techniques that were later made popular by Carpenter’s film. This is actually a fun scene due to the fact that Conry is poking fun at his own movie by also using ideas and techniques found in those films in this opening scene (killer POV, for example). The opening is also a clear indication as to the type of low-budget horror film you’re in for, which is one that is filled with humorously slanted self-referential dialogue made by people who obviously love horror films.

This almost Kevin Smith/Scream inspired approach to the dialogue has some good moments, but seeing as this approach is so common in so many low-budget horror flicks, I can’t help but be a little less than enthusiastic about some of it. The overall humorous tone of Morbid also received a mixed reaction from me, as some of the jokes hit nicely, while a few jokes go on for far too long, especially some of the television spots involving the town sheriff who goes on-and-on about the murder and the big game.

Morbid also drags a bit in the second act, and that plays into some of the jokes that go on longer than they should; however, the ending is when Morbid really picks up the pace and becomes the type of movie I would want from a $500 Slasher flick. Whereas there are no deaths, or even much of a threat, in the second act, the party set finale is when the proverbial shit hits the fan and the slaughter begins, and for me, that’s where a movie of this budget resides most comfortably. The film’s killer ratchets up a number of cheesy but fun death scenes brought to life with enjoyably amateurish make-up effects, and there are even a few ‘very big’ surprises that, for me, are what a movie like Morbid should be.

While the movie runs in at 70 minutes (60 min without credits), it feels longer than it needs to be at times. What would have served Morbid best would be if Conry trimmed the dialogue and tried to do a little more in terms of building some tension. The film needed a little bit of quiet time sprinkled in to balance it out, and again, it’s the middle section that could have benefited by a few POV shots from outside of the party as well as a few establishing shots. Even if they had come out a little hokey, I think it might have helped with the pacing and, for me, a little hokey is welcome.

Morbid is certainly what you’d expect from a movie made by a bunch of horror fans with an estimated budget of $500. I have to give props to Conry for making a film that looks pretty decent. I mean, it’s certainly rudimentary and cheap, which is part of the film’s style, but it does feature a sense of comprehension and competence on a level that many movies of it’s ilk do not posses.

Morbid is likely a movie that some people will get a kick out of just as there will be some people who will hate it, but that’s pretty much the name of the game with this specific type of low-budget horror film. For me, personally, Morbid has its ups and downs, but I commend Conry and his gang of merry men and women for taking the risk and making a film of their own. I know how much work can go into making a horror movie, and one thing I hope that comes from Morbid is that it worked as a good learning process for Conry to make an even better film next time, which I assume would be Morbid 2?!

 

Pietà (2013): Baby Mama Drama

Written and directed by Kim Ki-duk, Pieta is the South Korean filmmaker’s 18th directorial effort (something that is expressed in the opening credit sequence), which is pretty impressive considering he has only been making movies since 1996. The evocatively titled Pieta focuses on Kang-do (Lee Jung-jin), a loan shark who makes his living by crippling those who cannot afford to pay back their debts, then collects on their insurance. To call Kang-do vicious would be a great understatement, as he is the type of person who will ridicule and torture his victims in ways that are simply deplorable. He is a man to be feared, and all who come in contact with him are very aware of this fact.

Like most of Kim’s work, Pieta is not afraid to walk down dingy, unsafe alleyways and into taboo territory, and things become quite complicated for Kang-do when a woman who claims to be his mother (played fantastically by Cho Min-soo) shows up and tries to force her way back into his life. Unsurprisingly, Kang-do doesn’t believe the woman, who claims to have abandoned him as an infant due to being too young and stupid to understand what she was doing. But where things begin to take a turn for the two, and when Kang-do begins to believe her story, is where things begin to get a little, well, darker.

To prove to him that she is in fact his mother, Kang-do forces the woman to eat a piece of flesh from his thigh, which she hesitantly does. Kang-do then goes on to sexually force himself on her, claiming that if she is his real mother, she will let him go back inside the place where he once came from. While this is a shocking and certainly extreme way to have to prove oneself, this could be looked at as a moment where his mother can receive some of the pain and punishment that she placed upon Kang-do by abandoning him as a child, which indirectly turned him into the man he is today.  

Harsh violence and sexual deviancy are common traits in Kim’s movies, and as you can probably tell, this is no different with Pieta. Often the violence and sexual deviancy found in Kim’s work is provided by a character (often male) who is rarely considered a good person, let alone a decent one. However, that might be the brilliance of Kim Ki-duk’s oeuvre. He creates vile characters and walks them through some awful situations, then finds a way to almost ask for the audience’s sympathy, or at least give his audience the option to feel conflicted about the character. There is often a catalyst for this pseudo-sympathetic turn - an event that completely derails a character's path - and with Kang-do, it is finally being with his mother.  

Being reunited with the woman who gave him life, Kang-do finds himself acknowledging the emptiness that has plagued him throughout his life, thus causing him to grow up to be so unsympathetic. There is one particular scene that brilliantly plays on Kang-do’s lifelong emptiness, where he goes to collect a debt from a man who is a month away from having a child. The man, with a strange sort of glee, tells Kang-do that he looks forward to being crippled because it will give him the chance to give his future child the opportunity that he would not be capable of providing otherwise. Kang-do, who would normally show no sympathy, responds by telling him that he envies the man’s future child. Kang-do sees a man who is willing to sacrifice himself for his child in a way that no one has ever done for him, something that has a real effect on him.

Despite the fact that Kang-do begins to find solace - and even a touch of happiness - in being reunited with his mother, there is a darkness that constantly looms overhead. Everyone has to pay their dues for the wrong they do in life, especially men such as Kang-do. And despite his metaphorical rebirth, Kang-do has led a life where salvation is difficult to earn by his many victims as well as the audience. There is absolutely nothing redeeming about this character, though Kim Ki-duk gives us the opportunity to find a trace level of sympathy in this deplorable man; it’s just up to the viewer to decide whether or not they want to grant it to Kang-do. For me, I saw a character who, in the hands of a lesser storyteller, wouldn’t have been so challenging (though Lee deserves a nod for his strong performance), but this is indeed what makes Kim Ki-duk the fantastic filmmaker that he is.

Pieta is being given a limited theatrical release on May 17th by Drafthouse Films (a complete listing of theaters and showtimes are on the site); however, if the film isn’t playing near you, it is also available to rent On-Demand.

The Pros of Con Air (1997)

The Simon West directed, Jerry Bruckheimer produced 1997 action masterpiece Con Air is the definition of 90s action excess; an over-the-top, sweat-filled orgy of insane performances, sun-kissed cloudy blue skies, testosterone, and Nic Cage. This is a flick that boils over the brim with random acts of slow motion, excessive explosions and, well, excessive slow motion explosions, all of which are delivered in a fashion that can only be captured in a motion less than normal. Anyway, to celebrate the love I have for Con Air, I have put together this list of a few of my favorite things about the best film to feature Nicolas Cage saving a man from going into diabetic shock.

Cast Away:

For me, and likely most fans of Con Air, the cast is a major part of why the film is such a blast. Con Air features a wild mix of actors that cover a wide range that the craft has to offer, from comedic actors such as Dave Chappelle, whose character of Pinball offers some genuine laughs, to a multitude of tough guy/girl character actors such as M.C. Gainey, Rachel Ticotin and Danny Trejo. There’s also a fun, scene chewing turn from Colm Meaney, who plays an abusive, jerk-off DEA agent.

Of course, the real juice of Con Air comes from the impressive number of (mostly) well respected actors, some of whom have sat comfortably at or near the A-list. You have Ving Rhames and John Malkovich carrying a hefty amount of the bad guy workload, while Steve Buscemi shows up as the Hannibal Lecter inspired character, Garland "The Marietta Mangler" Greene. On the other end of the spectrum there’s John Cusack as U.S. Marshal Vince Larkin, who is a sort of good guy ying to Cameron Poe’s good guy yang. Oh, and speaking of Cameron Poe, he’s played by Nicolas Cage, who’s sort of an important piece in Con Air’s incredible puzzle.

How Do I Ask a Question Without a Question Mark:

Con Air opens AND closes with the touching sounds of Trisha Yearwood’s How Do I Live, a song that is literally the audio essence of Cameron Poe’s emotional state of mind. I mean, if love is in anyone’s heart, it’s in Poe’s, and despite the lack of a question mark, How Do I Live represents Poe’s passion as a husband, a father, and a man who decided that prison’s a good time to grow a mullet.  

I would never normally support a song such as How Do I Live, but how do I deny such a song when it means so much to the film’s lead character. The smile that will grace Poe’s face as he sees the sun of freedom can never be understood by anyone other than Trisha Yearwood. Well, her and LeAnn Rimes. And, well, a bunch of American Idol contestants and number chuckleheads who think they can sing.

John Malkovich Chewing a Hole in the Plane:

John Malkovich as Cyrus "The Virus" Grissom chews scenery like it’s a tough piece of beef jerky, giving a performance that’s about as over-the-top as his insane “ In my club, I will splash the pot whenever the fuck I please” portrayal of Russian mobster Teddy KGB in 1998s Rounders. It’s really incredible, and better yet, some of the dialogue he is given is climbing towards brilliance. No scene is left with out a few teeth marks when Malkovich is done, and that’s saying a lot considering he’s up there with Nic “The Animal” Cage.  

“Oh, nothing makes me sadder than the agent lost his bladder in the airplane!”

Nicolas Cage. Nicolas Cage. And Nicolas Cage:

Nicolas Cage as Cameron Poe in Con Air is so epic, the only way to encapsulate his wonder is with bullet points:

• His southern accent

 

• His hair
  
  

• His strength and conditioning
  
  

• His hair
  
  

• His origami skillz
  
  

• The many emotions he conveys
  
  
  
  
  

After Nic Cage, there really is no more that one person can say, so I will leave you with this:

 

House at the End of the Street: Tanks for the Mammaries

Somewhere up the road from the House on the Edge of the Park and just around the corner of The Last House on the Left, you will find the House at the End of the Street. I suppose if you were a little more optimistic, you could consider it the beginning of the street, but optimism isn’t a trait that will do much good for you going into this urinal stain of a film.    

Directed by Mark Tonderai, House at the End of the Street (or #HATES, if you’re a big Twitter user) is a psychological thriller starring Jennifer Lawrence as Elissa, a young woman with a voice so beautiful she sounds absolutely perfect whether she’s singing in the woods or a garage, but I digress. Elissa and her single, overprotective mother (played by Elisabeth Shue, who looks fantastic despite the tiredly written character) have just moved from the mean streets of Chicago to the not so mean gravel roads of some place in the woods. A place that, on the surface, seems safe, but little do they know that just four years earlier a little girl slaughtered her parents... in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET!

Being the new gal in the wooded ‘hood as well as being the lead singer in the sickest band in Chicago, Elissa is getting a lot of attention from all the boys, specifically a young loner type named Ryan (Max Thieriot). Ryan has a bit of a bad rep around town due to the fact that he is the oldest son of the people who were gruesomely murdered in the HOUSE AT THE END OF THE STREET! Worse yet, he still lives in the very house at the end of the street where his parents were killed, something that really ticks everyone off. Regardless, Elissa and Ryan hit it off, and it seems that all the negativity driven towards Ryan is unwarranted, so she’s all ready to drop her drawers for him at any minute. However, when your parents were slayed by your very own sister in the very house at the end of the street that you still live in, you are more than likely not to be trusted. Unfortunately for Elissa, this is the case.

It’s okay, though, because the power of song will protect us like a warm blanket on a winter’s day.

House at the End of the Street gets full use out of the word ‘generic’ in terms of storytelling and character development. In fact, it’s only a few dollars and a handful of good actors above a Lifetime movie, though at least most Lifetime movies can be pretty entertaining. While mostly a technically well-made film, hashtag hates is plagued by some horrific, random editing choices as well as strange attempts at stylized camerawork. I almost applaud the fact that there is an actual attempt at style, but unfortunately it’s as successful as me “attempting” to be Mr. Universe. The dialogue also shines about as brightly as sandpaper, as there are moments where characters barf out some utterly atrocious dialogue. One specific moment in particular is a scene where Elissa and her friend are talking about one of the boys in school:

Friend: “He’s a dick!”
Elissa: “He’s worse than a dick... he’s a dickhole!”
Friend: “Dickhole’s the new asshole.”

*laughter*

Me: “What the fuck.”

Moving on (and thankfully so), I feel as a member of society I am obligated to talk about one of the biggest stars of hashtag hates:

Elissa’s White Tank Top

The white tank top is THE perfect attire for the slightly dirty (but not, like, gross dirty), sweaty girl in peril, who also happens to have a very healthy amount of milk in the fridge. Oh, how the snuggly fit and slightly translucent fabric moves so gracefully around JLaw’s breasts as they swing around like a tilt-a-whirl covered by a tarp. It almost seems as if this wardrobe choice was intentionally exploiting her upper body... I mean, who needs good dialogue when you have nice titties in a tank?!

“Are you looking at my tits?!”

I’d #HATES to be so harsh on this film because it is at least bearable enough to sit through, but you still might be better off spending your time drinking toilet water. On the other hand, if you do decide to spend some time with House at the End of the Street, please feel free to try to beat my “I called the plot twist!” time of 4 minutes and 50 seconds.