Halloween Pooh

My original Destination on Friday night was meant to be a Final one, but due to an error, my buddy picked up tickets to the 2-D showing of The Final Destination as opposed to the "in yo face" version of the film. So with time constraints lingering over our heads, we opted to check out Rob Zombie's second incarnation of his rebooted Halloween series. I am one of the few that didn't completely hate the first Halloween remake, I thought the theatrical version had some solid moments, but the film mostly suffered from too much being crammed into one uneven story. The DVD release on the other hand, was different enough from the theatrical release to almost make the film unbearable, but I would rather not spend time on remake past, so I'll just get into my thoughts on Halloween II already.

I'm not planning on spending too much time on this film, because it is clearly not worth spending too much time on, and I would gather that most that have seen the film would agree with me, though I haven't seeked out any one else's thoughts on the film to really know what other horror fans think. I actually liked the first 35 minutes of Halloween II; it was going along at a good pace as it took off right where the first film had ended. There are some grotesque little touches that were satisfying to the sadistic horror fan in me, and the way everything is shot and presented is quite impressive. Halloween II's first act, if you will, works as a pretty solid Slasher film, a Slasher that is very mean spirited with some harsh moments strewn about, but then, the 35 minute mark hits.

If you have, or if you will see Halloween II, you will know what happens at the 35 minute mark that made me think to myself "Are you fucking kidding me right now?!" And things just went downhill from that moment and just continuously got worse the longer the movie went on. Story wise, Halloween II is basically Michael Myers (Tyler Mane) coming back to life, where he then proceeds to spend almost the entire film, making his way back to Haddonfield so he can have a sort of "family reunion" with his kid sister, Laurie Strode (Scout Taylor-Compton). With her parents murdered in the first Halloween, Laurie is now living with Sheriff Lee Brackett (Brad Dourif aka CHUCKY!) and his daughter/Laurie's best bud, Annie (Danielle Harris) who survived a brutal attack via Myers, but lived so she could serve the plot of the very film we are discussing here.

The other main character from the first Halloween making a return is Dr Loomis (Malcolm McDowell), who amazingly still has eyeballs after what seemed to be his demise in the first film. To me, Loomis seems to have absolutely no point in this film except to serve as the catalyst for Laurie finding out that Myers and she are siblings (via his new book). Other than that, he serves no other real purpose except to be a separate story line that is just meant as filler material for when Myers wasn't eating dogs, or when Laurie wasn't hanging out in crusty bathrooms covered in graffiti and draped in bad florescent lighting.

Another recurring character is Misses Voorhees err...I mean, Misses Myers as played by Sheri Moon Zombie. I personally have no problem at all with Rob Zombie using his wife in his films, she's not a great actress, but at times she is serviceable, plus I think she's pretty hot, though she unfortunately refrains from showing her butt crack in this movie. Butt...her character in this film is that of a ghostly apparition, and how her ghostly appearance serves the plot is just plain terrible, on top of her showing up five times too many - with a horse to lame it up a bit. I won't go into detail as to what purpose Mama Myers serves, but it is one of the bigger issues with Halloween II's story line.

Another big problem with the story is situations are created for the soul purpose of having someone to kill for Michael Myers. This happens in plenty of Slasher films, sure, but it seems like it happened more in Halloween II, than in your average film of the genre. I did get a kick out of the kills for the most part, they are very mean spirited, and there isn't anything silly, or unrealistic about them - every murder is very harsh and simple, but still disturbingly satisfying. I was honestly kinda shocked at how much violence got by the MPAA, and for them to garner Halloween II an R rating is a big surprise. While I did like these kills, I think many horror fans will find them off putting, especially in the context of a Halloween movie. I don't mean Zombie's Halloween, but the original series. It may offend some of those fans, but this isn't the original series, so I'm fine with it.

Michael Myers look is something that should certainly get a shit load of classic Halloween fans all riled up. I think it's funny to be honest, so many complain about the essence of the original Michael Myers being completely disregarded, and how it's a travesty and an embarrassment to the original Boogeyman character from Halloween past to handle Michael Myers the way that Zombie does. However, if Zombie had made his films in the same vein as the original series, and stuck to those characteristics of Michael Myers, we would have something like Gus Van Sant's Psycho all over again...how did that one go over? I appreciate that Zombie has tried to make the character different, and his own; going a different direction gives us something new to watch, instead of treading the same shallow water that has been gone over numerous times in the original series. On top of that, in the sequels, Michael Myers usually looked pretty shitty in comparison to the '78 Carpenter film, so I would prefer a drastic change to the characters look over a moronic over sized mask like the ones found in the middle of the original franchise.

Personally, I thought the new, revamped, Myers looked very badass and it was nice to see a realistic take on the character. There are three different versions of Myers to be found in this movie - the first would be the classic look, the second would be the homeless Myers, and thirdly, a hybrid of the two styles. As I said, I like the realistic aspects of the character, and when you see Myers walking around in the woods without his mask, but rocking a seriously dope beard, it may be a little strange for some. But why would Myers be wearing a mask when he isn't killing people and no one is around? In addition, having a beard is much more plausible than having him shave - out in the woods - with no bathroom - let alone a mirror or a place to keep his Mach 3 and shaving gel (his skin is very sensitive).

As for how the movie is actually made, on a technical level, Halloween II has some seriously impressive scenes, with a style all Zombies own. This dude has real talent, and people who say other wise are being obnoxious for the sake of being obnoxious. There are moments where his grimy white trash look shines through in fantastic ways, but there is this other side of him that drops the ball completely. It's almost like Zombie has two styles: One being the very pleasing to the eyes, subdued, gloomy, trashy look that shows his strength as a filmmaker. On the other hand, he has a repugnant side that is an overblown version of his trashy style of movie making. This is the style that was very prevalent in the utterly terrible House of a 1,000 Corpses. These are the scenes when everything becomes orange and the camera gets all wacky and wild! so distracting, and unbecoming of what is done in the rest of the film.

These loathsome techniques are mainly found in the strip club scene...yes, Zombie has once again found a way to fit in a strip club scene. But he really didn't find a way to fit it in, as it has nothing to do with the story line of the movie. Then there's the party scene. Ugh...I was so all done by time the party scene came to be - what part of Haddonfield would I look to find a place with hot girls dancing topless on separate stages, while some rockabilly band plays music...that everyone seems to like?! The scene reminded me of the Titty Twister found in From Dusk Till Dawn. However, the Titty Twister was in the deserts of Mexico, not in a fucking suburban area neighborhood!

In the end, I really wish that we had gone to see The Final Destination instead...at least I know what I'm getting out of that movie, and it is something that I usually really enjoy. I am a very forgiving person with my cinema, and can find some good in many movies that I probably shouldn't. With Halloween II, even though I dug some of the kills, Myers' look was appealing to me, and I liked most of Zombie's film style, there just wasn't enough good to offset the bad. I wouldn't say not to see Halloween II though, it may be worth it for some of the positive aspects I mentioned, and maybe you will be more forgiving than I. I'll probably watch it again, and chances are I will like it a little bit more, now that I know it sucks, and my low expectations are completely nonexistent.

Lake Mungo

After Dark Films has just announced the third film in their already very strong looking 2010 After Dark Horrorfest: 8 Films to Die For lineup (Jan 29th - Feb 5th). Clive Barkers Dread, and a movie that I recently posted about, The Graves will be joined by the Australian thriller/ghost story, Lake Mungo. Lake Mungo is written and helmed by first time director, Joel Anderson and stars Talia Zucker, Rosie Traynor, David Pledger and Martin Sharpe. The story follows a family dealing with the drowning death of their sixteen-year-old daughter, Alice Palmer. After her body is buried, the family experiences a series of strange and eerie events that give them no choice but to seek the help of a psychic/parapsychologist named, Ray Kemeny. His investigation leads to Lake Mungo where a secret past and double life once lived by Alice comes to fruition.

Sounds interesting - right? You may be even more interested after watching the trailer for the film. And that trailer is provided for your viewing pleasure right here - ya know, just in case you didn't already notice it sitting there, all lonely, waiting for you to accept it with your mouse. Click that shit, son!


Bleh...so creepy!! I love that entire goose bump promoting paranormal stuff, and I almost thought that Lake Mungo was a documentary at first, because it looks so convincing as one. It is of course, a mockumentary style film that looks like it will be very effective in the scare department, and some of those background apparition shots are just downright frightening. I was already excited for both Dread and The Graves, but this is a nice surprise to have a very scary looking movie like Lake Mungo added to a lineup that is certainly shaping up very nicely.

Apparently, Paramount is developing a remake of Lake Mungo with writer David Leslie Johnson, whose previous effort, Orphan was released to solid reviews and was a movie that I personally quite enjoyed. This being put out by After Dark Films though is a very good thing, because this film very much reminds me of another low-budget ghost mockumentary film, Paranormal Activity. Paranormal Activity had gotten rave reviews, and the trailer was scary as shit, but when the remake (also Paramount) started to make way, the original film had, like a ghost, been left in limbo with no release after what is a few years now (though there have been rumblings of a small theatrical release forthcoming). Wicked annoying if you ask me. So thankfully this will not be the case with Lake Mungo, as we now know that it will be in theaters, and eventually on DVD, without having to wait two or three years for a remake to come out and suck balls.

Here is a link to the films official site for more info!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Low-Carb Edition!

Sup playas, and playarettes!! You must be new to this club, so let me give you the tour. Right there - that's where you can dance, right over there - that's another place you can dance, and over here, on my lap - well, take a guess. What'd you expect; this is Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party after all!! HOLLA!! You guys carrying anything? No?! Well, here, take these pills, they're on the house. We wanna make sure everyone has a good time!! If you start to feel a little dizzy, let me know, you can lay down in the bed up in my private suite, while I play with your sweet privates! YEAH BOYEE! Now, I hope you guys brought your D-game with you…what's D-game you ask? Well, that's your Dance Game, cause tonight, dj Skele-tone has the fattest tracks on the block! And when I say fat, I mean F-A-T, because finally, Skele-tone has brought with him - his copy of Are you ready for Freddy? as done by the infamous 80's hip-hop group, The Fat Boys! This should be one hell of a dance party, where the tunes are fat, but the ladies are mad skinny from all the blow they do! Now get out there kid, burn some calories dancing, and make sure you look good doing it!

Oh great...is that Gary Busey preaching about the lord and sobriety again? Better get security.



First of all, I thought horizontal stripes would be a no-no for a heavyset person, and vertical was the way, but whatever…I'm not here to judge. The Fat Boys consisted of Mark Morales aka "Prince Markie Dee" - Damon Wimbley aka "Kool Rock-Ski" - and The Human Beat Box himself, Darren Robinson aka "Buff Love." Buff Love might be the greatest name in Hip-Hop history...the name says it all! Are You Ready For Freddy? was written for 1988's A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and also appeared on 1997’s best of album - All Meat: No Filler. Even though I love Dream Warriors, I always liked this one just a little bit more. It's such a fun video and song, and how great is it that Freddy raps? And to top it off, his skills are garbage! Not that I don't appreciate lyrics like..."You see my name is Freddy - and I'm here to say - I'll wrap you up - and take you away! And if you feel like your tired - and ready for bed - Don't fall asleep - or you'll wake up dead!" Watch out now, he's like the next Ja Rule, but instead, he could be Claw Rule! Also, while it's a little embarrassing to admit, I always liked the songs chorus as sung by whoever the girl is, I mean, there isn't a female in The Fat Boys - so I like to think she's a ghost! "Watch out - or Freddy - will bust your heart!" Right on sister!

Hope you guys enjoyed this evenings Dance Party! I know I did, and I know, that you know, that I know, that you know, that I want you. To keep on dancin'!!!! Yo Skele-tone! Bring that beat back, son!! This party ain't over yet - or at least not until I can get one of these ladies drunk enough to come up to the suite with me. I wonder if that ghost chick can get wasted or not?

Yeee Haw!!

When pitted against numerous foes while out on the streets with my fellow gang buddies, I try to pick the seemingly easiest person to take down. When I run into an Asian girl and a Black guy in a wheelchair, the answer is made for me instantly. I mean, more than likely, the Asian girl knows karate, plus she’s wearing all black, not a good sign either. And the black guy in a wheelchair…well, he's a guy in a wheelchair. I can take this fucker! The only real advantage he may have is, he is right at ball height, but with balls as tiny as mine, he would more than likely miss if he were to strike at them.

As the Asian female comes rollin' up, it is clear that I made the right decision. This bombshell is bashing my banger boys left and right with spin kicks and super queefs, and I think I even saw her fling a tampon at one of my boy’s temples. I'm gonna look like the man when I tip this dude in the wheelchair right over and onto the ground. He'll be all stuck on his back like a beetle, flailing his arms and legs…err flailing his arms as he attempts to get back up and into his comfortable seat. "I have no legs!" More like you have no excuse anymore son, we is gonna throw down!


Oh great, I'm getting my ass kicked by a dude in a wheelchair. He's so quick and his arm reach is so long! And how the hell does he scamper around like that without any stems to support him? And I can't help but wonder - does he have a dick?! So distracting! Figures I would pick a fourth degree Kendo master to brawl with. I'm so going to look like such a wuss when my boys look over here and see me being tossed around by a dude with no legs. I can hear it now "What, did he run over your foot with one of his wheels?" "Who's gonna kick your ass next, Ray Charles?! Bwahahaa!" Handicapped my ass.

Man, this isn’t my day, thanks a lot, Henry Smalls. Unlike Biggie, you are not the illest.

Inglourious Boners!

I wont even bother hiding my thoughts about Inglourious Basterds before I send you over to Paracinema to read my review. There is no way for me to even get into all of the things that I enjoyed about Tarantino's latest effort in just one blog post, but I narrowed it down to the best of my abilities. It's nice to see Tarantino rule the box office once again, as I feel without him, we as fans of obscure and odd films would have a lot less access to many of the movies that he has brought to light over his career.

If not for Hollywood’s most hyperactive director, I would bet that I would have never seen films like Yuen Woo-ping's Iron Monkey (one of my favorite martial Arts films), or Lucio Fulci's The Beyond in theaters. Let alone own a The Beyond collectible eyeball that I received for being one of the first five people to buy a ticket! Even knowing and loving the films of Sonny Chiba for what seems like forever, I almost forget that my reason for that discovery is due to Clarence Worley enjoying a triple feature of Sonny Chiba films on his birthday in the Tarantino written, True Romance. Even his now defunct Rolling Thunder label put out some awesome releases, namely Jack Hill's Switchblade Sisters amongst other lesser known to the masses titles.

Tarantino's presence in Hollywood, whether you like it or not, is a great for fans of cult cinema while making it easier for a ton of little known gems to be released and for us to discover. Even with him just mentioning that his Elle Driver character's look is inspired by Christina Lindberg's character, Madeleine from the rape revenge film Thriller: A Cruel Picture (aka They Call Her One Eye), brought immediate attention to the film, and resulted in not one, but two different releases of the movie. I could keep going here, but you get the drift.

Normally I would post the trailer for the film that I am covering at Paracinema, but I will take a wild guess that all of you have already seen that trailer numerous times. Instead, I will put up some trailers for the films mentioned in this post. Hope you folks enjoyed your stay here at the Chuck Norris Inn. A complimentary Baby breakfast will be served starting at 6:30 AM for those of you staying with us for the evening.

Inglourious Basterds Paracinema...The Blog!

The Beyond


Switchblade Sisters


Iron Monkey


Thriller: A Cruel Picture


And of course, The Inglorious Bastards

Totally Tubular Trailers!

Once again, I am back with the tubular trailer attack! Got a nice mixture of films to look forward to with these very cool trailers that I have found to be interesting enough to share with all of you sassy little sex pots.

First up, is the trailer for Accident, a Hong Kong film directed by Soi Cheang and produced by one of the best filmmakers of our generation, Johnnie To. Accident is the story of a "The Brain," a professional hit man who uses well planned - on purpose, but seemingly accidental methods to relieve his victims of their lives. With the memory of his wife's "accidental" passing, The Brain becomes convinced that his wife was intentionally murdered in the same manner that he himself uses to dispose of his own victims. The Brain's suspicion quickly turns to paranoia as he begins to think that he too is a target after he is attacked by a so called insurance agent, Fong who just so happens to have been at the scene of the Brains wife's accidental death. Great premise and the idea of intricate and well thought out accidents used to take hits out on people should lead to some very interesting deaths. I will say this: Maybe you should know better than to park next to a fire hydrant...if you didn't, then you do now. Accident is slated to make its Hong Kong debut on September 17th.

Next up, is the trailer for Kamui Gaiden.

Directed by Yoichi Sai, and set for a September 19th Japanese release, Kamui Gaiden follows the tale of a rogue ninja, Kamui who is constantly on the run and on the look out for other ninjas that do not like the fact that he has left the sect and could possibly let outsiders know of the ninja hidden secrets. Kept on his toes and without any trust or love for anyone that he meets, Kamui does finally settles down in a small village, where he eventually feels comfortable and safe with its inhabitants. Of course, the ninja threat is never too far away, as they have set in motion a trap to capture and take down the stray ninja. No English subs for this trailer, so my apologies, but since I just told you the plot, you can figure out what is going on. Also, it would be silly of me not to mention the crazy shark attack in the trailer...talk about jumping the shark!

Okay, this next trailer was one that I bumped into over at Dear Bastards, and I was instantly taken by it.

This may be something special, something different, something to talk about. The film - The Fourth Kind - the way the film is handled - one of a kind. At least one of a kind when in comparison to your average cinema fair. Sorry about the crypticness so far, but when you have some Blair Witch type of back story to a movie, but it may actually be real...well, that just changes the whole game. The Fourth Kind is written and directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi, and stars Mila Jovovich and Elias Koteas (better known as Casey "modda fuckin" Jones! Recognize!), two actors that I enjoy very much. The Fourth Kind is based off seemingly true events of an ongoing case of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska where a disturbingly large amount of people have mysteriously gone missing every year since the 1960's. Despite multiple FBI investigations, no answers have been reached in regards to the ongoing case, resulting in many accusations of a federal cover up. What makes this film the most interesting is, the integrated never-before-seen footage of disturbing psychiatric sessions with some of the victims of the so-called abductions. It's like one part documentary, mixed into a traditional Hollywood film. Sounds and looks like it could be a gimmick, but from what I have researched, it is not. You get the breaking of the fourth wall in a trailer that is quite frightening and promises to deliver a film that doesn't come around all too often. Look for The Fourth Kind in theaters on November 6th.

That's it for me this time folks, hope you enjoyed those trailers, and feel free to leave comments as to what you think about them! And lastly, I know I don't say it enough, but I love you.

Later!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Confused Fashion Sense Edition!

Hey-hey-hey kids! After a long week of working hard for dat cash monies, it is time for you to enjoy that hard earned dough by spending it right here, at Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! The more you spend, means the more you drink, the more you drink, means the more you dance, the more you drink and dance, means the hotter for me you become! If you’re lucky, later on I'll let you up to the private suite for a little one-on-one dancing, and of course some Moet - on the house. We all know the Moet you drink, the mo-wet you get! Yeaooowww! But for now, I believe dj Skele-tone just rolled up, and with him, he brought the hottest of the hot dance tunes. Tonight, on dj Skele-tone's dope-ass music agenda, we will be poppin’ and lockin’ to the smooth sounds of Any Way I Gotta Swing It brought to us by hip-hop pioneers, Whodini! The only magic trick here, is gonna be when I make it disappear, but don't you go and disappear, cause this party is hotter than my urinary tract infection!

Ughh...who invited a Baldwin brother? Gross, I guess the freaks do come out at night!


Whodini? More like Who-didn't look in the mirror before leaving the house today! For the soundtrack to A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 1989's Any Way I Gotta Swing It was created by the classic hip-hop group, Whodini. Unlike the previous dance party, there was no controversy to be found with this jam, except for maybe some of the outfit choices, of course. Whodini's lyrical duo consisted of Jalil Hutchins and John Fletcher (aka Ecstasy), along with DJ Drew Carter (aka Grandmaster Dee) on the tables. I love the dancing Freddy’s going up and down the stairs, and the classic "Nancy’s house" setting is more than cool, but watching Ecstasy dance around in an open chested stonewash jean jacket, complete with matching ripped jeans has got to be the frosting on this hip-hop cake! Definitely, the hot look in 1989! Not that Ecstasy's get up wasn't the norm for him, but it's always worth a giggle or two. I also really dig Jalil's "Door to door magazine salesman" outfit - very church appropriate.

Great video for a fun song, Any Way I Gotta Swing is a proper entry into the Freddy pop-culture universe, and one that I will always find some fun in watching. But what I enjoy watching even more, is you tearin' up that dance floor. Man, you look so beautiful when you move; hopefully you'll be rippin' off my clothes the same way rip up that dance floor! Now here, take this pill. Don't worry about what it does - it'll make you feel...happy. You like feeling happy, don't you?