Blackbelt (1992): No Shirt Required

Ex-cop and master of the martial arts Jack Dillon (Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson) is forced out of retirement to help protect a beautiful singer named Shanna (Deirdre Imershein) from a crazed stalker, and master of the martial arts, John Sweet (Mathias Hues). Sweet - who rocks a sweet golden feathered semi-mullet - believes that Shanna is a woman he once had a sexual relationship with... his mother. Sweet isn’t the only one after Shanna, however, as she’s also in some hot water with the local mob because she refuses to renew her music contract, and seeing as her career is about to blow-up, they really want in on the action. That’s a lot of BS to deal with, but we are talking about Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson here, so I think it’s safe to assume that things are well under control.  

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #1: You’ll never find flowers in a box of flowers. A gun? possibly. A severed human body part? Very likely.

Directed by Charles Philip Moore and Rick Jacobson, Blackbelt starts off with an awesome opening credit sequence that features the names of a number of martial arts actors and each of their individual competitive fighting accomplishments. I have to admit that it’s pretty cool seeing these real life fighters get some recognition for what they have done, something that I believe was important to Wilson. From there the film opens brilliantly with a scene that switches back and forth between Sweet kicking a ton of ass in a hotel room, while in another room, his date is stripping down to her sexy parts in anticipation of Sweet’s return. It’s the kind of imagery that’s pretty much the perfect way to open any movie. Unfortunately for the girl getting nekkid, however, Sweet is more interested in borrowing one of her fingers which he then sticks in a flower box to give to Shanna as a sign of affection. This event is what causes Shanna to, trepidatiously, go to Dillon for help.

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact # 2: If the lead character/hero walks into a bar, there will be an epic one-at-a-time bar fight.

  • B-Action Movie Sub-fun Fact: During a bar fight, no one is safe, especially wooden tables, beer bottles and pool sticks.

Something that immediately stands out about Blackbelt is the incredible fashion. For the most part, Jack Dillon’s style is simple, mostly consisting of a t-shirt tossed to the ground, a pair of jeans and a cowboy style boot. However, there is a moment early on when he’s shown training his martial arts’ students, and he’s just slaying bitches left and right in a black, acid wash denim karate gi top. Let me repeat that: a black, acid wash denim karate gi top. Then there’s the delectable Shanna, a rockin’ babe who can often be seen wearing any number of studded braziers. Though, it should be said that she is also a mid-drift mama of the highest order. And last, but certainly not least, there’s John Sweet, who is simply in a league of his own and must be seen to be believed.  

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #3: There will be a warehouse shootout on the one day no one decided to come into work.

  • B-Action Movie Sub-fun Fact: Said warehouse will clearly be a leading producer of empty cardboard boxes and blue storage drums.

Blackbelt keeps a decent pace with some moderately fun action moments strewn throughout, but things really pick up in the third act, wherein you have a warehouse shootout, a multiple-baddie dojo fight, a car chase, and, of course, numerous shirtless/jean-clad fight scenes via Jack Dillon. Again, I have to reiterate how that dude simply does not want anything to do with a t-shirt. In fact, during one of the fight sequences, Jack tosses his shirt aside, takes a few dudes out, then instead of putting his shirt back on, simply throws on his brown bomber jacket for that open-chest sexy look.

• B-Action Movie Fun Fact #4: If there is a dojo, there will be a fight in that dojo, and that fight will consist of numerous thugs of various ethnicities, brandishing a slew of weapons and fashion choices.

The film wraps up with the eagerly awaited face off between Dillon and Sweet, and when the two are shown on screen together (with both being so extremely shirtless), it’s insane how massive the 6’5” Hues is in comparison to Wilson, who is no slouch himself at 6’1”. Overall, this end fight is as satisfying as one would hope for from a Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson flick, which is probably the perfect way to describe Blackblet as a whole. It features some highly entertaining, if not overly choreographed action scenes, there’s some questionable acting, namely from ‘The Dragon’, and of course the film features some silly fashion, all elements that one would expect and, more importantly, want from an early 90s B-Action movie starring Don ‘The Dragon’ Wilson.

On a side note, can he ever not be referred to as ‘The Dragon’? Go ahead, try to say and/or type his first and last name without it. You will fail.

Salute Your Shorts: The Dump (2012)

Directed by Rebekah McKendry from a screenplay by David Ian McKendry, The Dump gives viewers the opportunity to see what it would be like to have two serial killers accidentally run into one another while disposing of their most recent kills.

First you have the clean cut, knife-wielding yuppie (Matthew Currie Holmes), who has the perfect suit and tie to go along with his perfect BMW. The other killer (Jack Bennett), on the other hand, comes in the form of a machete-clad masked maniac, complete with mechanic’s coveralls and a shoddy pickup truck.

Two very different types of serial killers who comes from two very different worlds. But as previously mentioned, both men do have one big thing in common besides their taste for blood: they need to dump their victim’s bodies into a ravine. This results in some genuinely clever moments of dialogue as the two murderers try to figure out how to deal with this perplexing situation.

Take a moment to check out The Dump for yourself, and feel free to let me know how you liked it afterwards! Also, hope you like the brand new scoring system I came up with, which will be exclusively used for shorts film reviews from here on out!

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Private Parts (1972): Filthy Fairytale

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ a number of years back, and when that site went belly up, so didn’t the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

1972’s Private Parts follows the exploits of an adventurous teenage girl named Cheryl (Ayn Ruymen). When Cheryl is first introduced, it is learned that she stole money from her parents and fled the state of Ohio with her best friend so they could live the high life in Los Angeles. After a less than positive run in with her best friend/roommate, Cheryl steals her friend’s wallet and flees the scene--just as she had done with her parents--to find something better than being judged and yelled at constantly.

With a small amount of cash and nowhere else to go, Cheryl makes her way to a rough area in L.A. and ultimately to her Aunt Martha’s (Lucille Benson) hotel. Not really a hotel as much as an apartment building, Cheryl talks Martha into letting her stay there for the time being, and in return, she will help out around the hotel to earn her keep. Filled with many eccentric and strange residents, this hotel is not the normal stomping ground for a youthful girl such as Cheryl. Furthermore, the hotel is filled with numerous dark and dangerous secrets, most notably being the hotel’s resident serial killer who preys on any unwanted trespassers.

While the hotel has a murderer running around it’s colossal hallways, Private Parts is not a slasher movie. There are certainly some elements, but this one is something entirely different. In fact, I would consider it to be more of a fantasy film, but a fantasy film that is definitely not made for kids. Well, unless they’re feral.

Cheryl’s proverbial ‘rabbit hole’ is the entrance to the seedy hotel, which is filled with fantastical characters who are clearly not facets of a ‘normal’ real world. All of the hotel’s inhabitants are odd and varied in their strangeness, with one character who frolics around dressed up as a priest but really seems to enjoy the company of big strong men. There’s the usual crazy old lady lurking the halls, spewing weird shit about a girl named Alice to anyone who will listen. And then there is George (John Ventantonio), a creepy photographer who mostly keeps to himself, but has some very unhealthy sexual issues.

Cheryl is attracted to George, whose reclusive and dark nature is undeniably appealing to Cheryl, and the two characters come to indirectly play a game of unhinged cat and naive mouse. However, mouse or not,  Cheryl is very much a willing participant in this game, and her fairytale adventure is mostly driven by her curiosity towards sex. Cheryl, who hates being looked at as a child, seems to believe the way to becoming respected as an adult is through sexual activity, and she pursues this activity in a fashion that’s both innocent and very aware.

Cheryl is driven by her sexual desire, and with a wide eyed curiosity she looks to do something that she is not familiar with; something that stimulates her growing feminine needs. Young or not, Cheryl isn’t intimidated by the more ‘out there’ aspects of sexuality. Some of the acts that George asks Cheryl to participate in are things that would creep out the average girl, especially a young one. This is not the case with Cheryl, as she seems to be intrigued by the sexual adventures, possibly seeing them as a way towards being liberated from childhood.

Ayn Ruymen, who plays Cheryl, is absolutely terrific. She is the driving force of the movie, and watching Cheryl slyly navigate the halls of the old hotel--curiously investigating all the little secrets that the hotel has to offer--is very enjoyable. This is really where you see that no matter how sexual she wants to be or thinks she is, Cheryl is just a kid; a child exploring a place that offers curiosities that most girls of her age would find to be taboo. Ruymen, who was much older than the age of her character, captures this youthful inquisitiveness very well, and it’s easy to feel as if you are right alongside Cheryl on her adventure.

While the fantasy and sexual elements are a major part of its DNA, Private Parts still has a lot of horror elements. The hotel setting is creepy and filled with many dark corners, creaky floorboards, and quirky little intricacies that make it a nice visual world for Cheryl to explore. Though they are few and far between, there are also a few murders, but the horror aspect of the film really comes from the undercurrent that something sinister is going on, and very few people seem to be aware of it.

The hotel does harbor a dark history, and this is further compounded by Aunt Martha’s constant warnings for Cheryl to stay inside and keep away from the other tenants. Under a seemingly normal and stable guise, Aunt Martha herself is as odd as the rest of them, especially the way in which her personality can change from one moment to the next. One second, she warns Cheryl to just keep safe and out of sight, and in the next she is preaching abstinence and yelling about how she will not put up with any painted whores in her home. Martha plays the cautionary role, but in true fantasy form, she would appear less than trustworthy. To an extent, Martha is protecting Cheryl, but she is also clearly hiding some very dark secrets.

Private Parts is directed by genre legend Paul Bartel. Bartel’s direction is very solid in Private Parts, with its biggest strength coming from its subtlety. There are little flashes of eye catching style that show up from time to time, but these touches are subtle, which works perfectly for bringing to life the film’s fantastical elements. To go too far with the visuals could have taken away from the base realism of the movie. These slight touches are just small reminders that there is something off about the world that Cheryl is in. It’s a skewed reality but a reality nonetheless.

There is plenty I didn’t touch on in this review of Private Parts, but I plan on touching Private Parts as much as possible, and I encourage you to do the same. It’s an odd little film that will leave you contemplating some of the deeper aspects long after sitting through it, which for me is the mark of great filmmaking.

 

Undefeatable (1994): I’ll Take My Steak Rare and With A Side of Ass

*Disclaimer!* I wrote a handful of articles for a now defunct e-zine called BthroughZ some years back, and when that site went belly up, so didn’t the reviews I wrote for it. I didn’t want to lose the articles I worked so hard to write, so over the next few months I will be reposting them here for your enjoyment.

"Out of the ring, into the fire...in a fight to the finish!" is the battle cry tagline for the 1994 Martial Arts epic, Undefeatable. Funny thing about that tag line though, is there’s only one scene with an actual boxing ring in it. But I suppose that doesn’t matter seeing as the man fighting within this ring is the almighty Stingray, a man so badass that his actual job is to kick ass and kick a lot of it.

With intense baby blues and a full bodied, shoulder length mullet, Stingray (Don Niam) is one of the most intense characters you'll ever see in a direct to DVD karate movie from 1994 starting Cynthia Rothrock. Though, being a super badass is simply not as easy as one would think. I mean, even Stingray’s own wife, Anna (Emille Davazac), is deathly afraid of him. I suppose you really can’t blame her, though. When a normal man comes home from work, a nice hot dinner waiting at the dinner table is pretty friggin awesome. Well, awesome if you're a pussy. When you're Stingray, however, you expect a nice hot piece of Anna ass when you get home from a hard day of busting heads, THEN dinner would come next. Regardless, Anna doesn't quite understand this ‘theory’ and decides that leaving her husband is a better idea than getting raped everyday at 5:22 PM.

Unfortunately for Anna, Stingray has major mama trauma issues, and leaving him just adds fuel to his unstable fire. You simply do not leave Stingray; Stingray leaves you... Dead! Now completely out of his gourd, Stingray sets out to find Anna, but his rage seems to cloud his senses, causing him to mistake any woman who shares Anna's red hair color, and floral dress fashion sense, for being his wife. Apparently, there were numerous red heads rockin' floral dresses back in the mid-90s, because Stingray finds plenty of them. And naturally, he proceeds to rape, torture, and then murder each and every one of them. What’s funny though, is that most of the women who Stingray runs into seem to be - or be with, someone who is trained in the Martial Arts. The chances are low, but in the mid-90s anything can happen. Fanny Pack popularity is my proof of that.

One of the unfortunate Anna look-alikes who happens to cross Stingray's path also happens to have a sister named Kristi, who just so happens to be played by Cynthia Rothrock, who also happens to be the toughest person to ever be in a movie called Fast Getaway. Kristi is not all too thrilled that her sister was murdered, so she goes on a quest to find and kill the man behind her death: Stingray! But before we get into all that, I’d like to take a moment to talk a little bit about Kristi's backstory. Kristi is a straight up street thug, and when she isn't waiting tables and serving lunch at her restaurant job, she's making cash busting heads and serving knuckle sandwiches in underground street fights. Furthermore, Kristi is also the only white chick in an all Asian gang called the Dragon Claws or Paws or some shit. Either way, this is one of the toughest street gangs around with all three members basically being a ‘90s version of the vicious ‘30s street gang known as the Three Stooges.

How does a good-looking white chick get into an all Asian gang? Because she got the skills to pay the bills when it comes to whopping dat ass, and much like a female version of Lionheart (Lionessheart?), Kristi makes a living by fighting in an underground fight club. Through this criminal act, Kristi meets Detective Nick DiMarco (John Miller), who hauls her to jail for her illegal underground fighting activities. Nick is a good cop and a good guy; he is also a pretty sick Martial Artist himself, which is just so crazy considering how many people are so competent at ancient fighting styles in this film. Anyway, Nick sees something in Kristi (*cough* tits *cough*); he sees that she's a good kid who is just a little lost and needs some guidance down the right path... to his pants.  

Nick's spot on thoughts about Kristi are confirmed when he learns that the living she earns by fighting is not necessarily for herself. Instead, she uses the money to pay Anna’s medical school tuition. You see, Kristi wants to see her good-natured sister do well in life and is willing to risk her life by fighting to make that happen. However, in case you might have forgotten, Stingray stung Kristi's sister and Nick happens to be the man on the case, so naturally both Nick and Kristi must come together as a team to find and destroy the menace known as Stingray! Who will end this film as the one who is most Undefeatable? That's up to the one with the most desire to be the best, or the one who can conjure up the most sweat perhaps.

Most people know of Undefeatable from the infamous “Worst and/or best fight scene ever” YouTube clips, but it's so much more than that. It's a Godfrey Ho film, who for some strange reason used his secret name of Godfrey Hall on this Hong Kong produced American action film. Godfrey Ho is infamous for making trillions of Ninja movies in the ‘80s (well, one ninja film used a trillion times). These were the kind of Ninja movies where the Ninjas were proven to be Ninjas because they would have the word Ninja embroidered on their headbands. Undefeatable is not a Ninja film, but it is a Martial Arts film, and one that many might consider to be pretty much trash.

Personally, I could not disagree more. Sure, the film is awful, the dialogue is ridiculous, the acting poor, and all the sets consist of warehouses and factories, complete with steel drums and empty cardboard boxes. With that said, it's entertaining as all hell and for so many reasons, too. Stingray drives a '84 Plymouth Voyager, just like the one my mom had! But unfortunately, my mom never wore a sleeveless jean jacket like Stingray. To go with his jacket of jean, Stingray even spray paints purple stripes down the sides of his hair, because, well, I actually have no idea why he does this but he does, and it's awesome.

While there may be a handful of awkward and, quite frankly, odd moments strewn throughout, the fight scenes are more than competent and, at times, somewhat impressively done. However, a great deal of that credit goes to the cast of well-trained Martial Artists displaying a multitude of fighting styles and techniques. Bad and cheesy Undefeatable may be, but some of these actors are very impressive, and even the sight of John Miller's huge hairy tits cannot distract me from this fact. In all seriousness, Cynthia Rothrock is no joke and is easily one of the highest-ranking female Martial Artists to grace the screen, so it’s always a joy to watch her do what she does best. I must say, however, that I have never been so jealous of the ground than when Rothrock does the splits.

Undefeatable is a mess, but unlike the kind of mess your grandma makes after too much applesauce, it’s a fun mess to spend time with. When the male leads in a film rip off their shirts just to show off their extremely oiled and firm male breasts, or a character is proven to be tough by wearing chains OVER his Champion sweatshirt, it’s a pretty good indication that you should simply let all of your inhibitions go. It's just one of those movies that is a waste of time to hate for being bad, and doing so will do nothing but make you sad inside. If you can embrace the insanity of what you are witnessing on screen, then you too may become... Undefeatable. See ya!

 

Salute Your Shorts Double Feature: Dollface(2011)/Girl At the Door (2013)

I got me a tasty double dose of horror shorts courtesy of director Colin Campbell to share with all you lovely ladies and gallant gents, so take yourself a moment to settle in for a quick night of pure terror starting with...

Dollface (2011)

It’s Halloween night, and Nick and Emily (Nick Holmes and Jen Dede) are spending their evening playing a game of chess as they wait for trick or treaters to knock on their door. It isn’t long before they get their first trick or treater of the night: a strange woman whose face is painted like a doll (Shelley Wenk). What ensues is something that neither Nick nor Emily would or could have ever expected, as their lovely evening quickly becomes a nightmare of madness and murder.

No reason for me to dwell upon plot details when you can watch the short for yourself below, but I will say that Dollface is a solid horror short filled with some fun twists and turns that should satisfy your horror hungry appetite. It’s quick, to the point, and the setting for the shorts’ second half is very appealing, so take 7 minutes out of your day to give Dollface a watch:

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Girl at the Door (2013)

Taking a slightly more psychological approach to its horror, Girl at the Door focuses on a one-night stand that grows more and more sexually aggressive as their evening of passion passes. The next morning, the man (Jeffrey Vincent Parise) wakes up alone, as the woman (Kristen Renton) has seemingly left during the night. He doesn’t think much of the situation, that is, however, until a few nights later when the woman shows back up at his door and seems to be reliving the evening exactly as they had already spent it.

Though slightly predictable, Girl at the Door is a nicely crafted short film with touches of impressive camerawork and a high production value, all of which plays for a nice backdrop to the great performances. While I slightly prefer Dollface, Girl at the Door is a very good short film that should please those who have a taste for a quick tale of terror, so take a looksie for yourself, and please feel free to share your thoughts on both shorts in the ol’ comments section below!

 

A Gentlemanly Kickboxing Match

Guys, I have some terrible news... my brother, Eric, was injured in a kickboxing match against a vicious, braided ponytail wearing jerk face named Tong Po. Why he would do something as vile as crippling such a handsome young man is beyond me, but I have vowed to avenge my brother’s crippled state by staying in Thailand and training in the fine art of Muay Thai so I can take out Tong Po! And I don’t mean to dinner, either.

While I am confident that my soul-searching absence is already difficult for you to deal with, I do have a special gift for you, and it comes in the form of the latest episode of The Gentlemen’s Guide to Midnite Cinema, where yours truly joined two masters of podcasting, Big Willy and the Samurai, in an epic review of Jean-Claude Van Damme’s Kickboxer! In what is a reach around filled episode, we tackle Kickboxer, bad coffee creamer, menstruation, and Van Damme’s perfect ass, and that’s only the half of it!

If you don’t already listen to The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema, then believe you me, you are absolutely missing out on what is the finest film podcasts on the market. If you even remotely enjoy what you see here of CNAMB, you will LOVE what you get with this fantastic podcast. These guys are not only great people, they are great friends, and to finally be able to join them for some on-air film discussion is certainly an honor, so please take some time to check out the episode for yourself!

• Listen to the Episode
• Direct Download
• The Gentlemen’s Guide to Midnite Cinema on iTunes
• The Gentlemen’s Blog to Midnite Cinema
• The Gentlemen’s Facebook Page

Tenement (1985): Survival of the Cruelest

After the landlord of a rundown apartment building has a nefarious street gang arrested for squatting in the basement and harassing the tenants, the gang returns to take back what they believe is theirs, and they won’t be going about it nicely. In fact, they utilize unspeakably violent tactics, including rape and murder, as they push the tenants to the point where they have no choice other than to fight back.  

Directed by prominent cult/porn filmmaker, Roberta Findlay, Tenement Is a true cinematic stain of a film that does exactly what a good exploitation film should do: it entertains as much as it offends. Tenement is dirty; it’s scuzzy; it’s grimy in a fashion that bleach backs away from it in frustration. The South Bronx setting gives a front row view of New York at its absolute trashiest, with areas that are so rundown, so broken down and so beat down that it makes the post apocalypse seem livable in comparison. Even the apartment complex is a complete and total shithole, barely being worthy of the rats and roaches that infest its crumbling, graffiti ridden walls.   

The location is the perfect setting for a sleazy street gang, and the gang in Tenement is as sleazy and fun as it gets. Led by the imposingly silent leader Chaco (Enrique Sandino), the gang members are nothing short of crude to anyone unlucky enough to cross their leather-clad path. Amongst the group are a number of recognizable genre faces, including Dan Snow, who would be most familiar to people as ‘Cigar Face’ from the Toxic Avenger movies. B-Movie actress Karen Russell plays Chula, the gangs’ only female member, who isn’t even as much a member as she’s there to be constantly ridiculed, groped and abused at the whim of the other gang members.

If there is any one actor who stands out in Tenement, however, it is Paul Calderon as Hector. While Chaco is the gang’s leader (and he’s certainly a better leader than he is a speaker), it is Hector who is easily the most vicious and frightening member of the group. He’s just a notch or two under Last House on the Left’s Krug in terms of the impact he makes when he’s on screen, and I will credit that to Calderon, who gives a fantastic performance. Hector has an absolutely terrifying look about him, spending much of the film with his skin stained with the glistening blood of his numerous victims, never once bothering to take a moment to wipe any of it away. Instead, he opts to let it dry on his flesh like it’s his uniform; a uniform made of plasma and death.

Tenement is the type of film that’s not at all afraid to “go there.” It quickly becomes very apparent that no one person is safe. The elderly, the handicapped, children, animals, and even a pregnant woman are potential victims of their brutality. The interesting thing about Tenement to me, though, is the fact that these tenants are trapped in this hell hole as a result of the cards they've been dealt in life. Many of them are too poor or simply too old to escape this prison where the guards are made up of ferocious, mean spirited gang members. And really, that's about as raw a deal as one person can get. Being trapped in the rundown, unsanitary conditions of the tenement is bad enough, but having to deal with a bunch of punks who have taken what little they do have and destroyed it is simply too much for any one person to deal with. They aren't just fighting back because they have no choice; they're fighting back because it's the only thing they have left. It's the last stand for the tenants who have been plagued by an affliction that has nearly depleted them.

Seeing as Tenement is a low-budget exploitation film, it does have a nice helping of unavoidable cheese layered throughout, which certainly adds to the flavor of this slice of ‘80s trash. However, cheese or not, I’m not at all surprised that Tenement received a very legitimate X rating when it was released. The film is nearly as offensive and brutal as some of the most well-known exploitation films, and I could argue that it deserves the notoriety and attention of those films, too. Tenement is much like wallowing in that small space behind a toilet in the restroom of a metal club, and as awful and grotesque as that all sounds, it certainly makes for a solid, true exploitation movie.