Silent Night (2012): Deck the Halls with Blood and Gory

It's Christmas Eve in a small Midwestern town, but all is not calm nor is there anything bright about this long, wintry night, because there's a killer on the loose; a killer dressed up as Santa Claus. As this Santa Psycho goes about slaying all who dare to be naughty, it's up to the local police to try to stop the killer and put an end to a nightmare that has haunted the town for far longer than just this one night.

Directed by Steven C. Miller, Silent Night is, on paper, a remake of the 1984 Santa Slashterpiece, Silent Night, Deadly Night, though, outside of a few nods and the fact that it's a Christmas Slasher film featuring a killer dressed up as Santa, the film has almost nothing in common with its predecessor. Silent Night very well could have been titled Santa's Slaughter or Naughty, Not Nice, and no one would have batted a lash, let alone cried about there being "another remake?!"

As the tagline "He Knows Who's Been Naughty" suggests, Santa (Rick Skene) seemingly has the 411 on every scum bag this town has to offer, and he makes it a point to pay each and every one of them a personal visit. The film proudly presents a handful of less than respectable characters for the audience to root against almost to the point of folly. Some of these characters/victims include a couple participating in adultery, pornographers, a selfish little girl with the mouth of a sailor, a perverted priest who likes to dip into the collection jar, and, well, you probably get the picture. The fashion in which these characters are presented was concerning at first, as I don't need to be goaded into rooting for characters to die when, well, it's why I'm watching the film. Thankfully, however, the near irritation I felt with how these characters were handled subsided before it became a real problem, and soon enough I got on board with the over-the-top fashion in which they were presented.

The anchor of Silent Night is Aubrey (Jaime King), a police woman dealing with some issues from her past that are affecting her confidence as an officer of the law. King stands out with a good performance for a film that some might not believe calls for it. She has a way of emoting without feeling phony, and she's able to bring the character to life in a way that commands a dash of sympathy. Malcolm McDowell also appears in the film as Sheriff Cooper, a cocky know-it-all who somehow goes from being an asshole to being an asshole that you kind of love. McDowell gleefully chews up nearly every scene he's in a way that is difficult not to enjoy. 

There is clearly a common theme in Silent Night, and that's how awful and cruel this world can be sometimes, something that, for certain people, is greatly enhanced during the holiday season. "Christmas can really mess people up" is a phrase uttered by more than one character, specifically characters who are trying to make a few bucks during the holidays by playing Santa. Dressed up as the physical incarnation of their own misery, or the physical incarnation of where their misery is being projected, which is almost poetic if not for the fact that the message is a tad heavy-handed. I appreciate the thought, though.     

The film is nicely put together in a way that seems to be almost the standard for some of the better modern day horror films of similar notoriety. There are a few visual moments that stand out in an impressive way, and there was clearly a lot of thought and care put into certain details that slightly elevate the movie from being just a simple, modern-day Holiday themed Slasher flick. With that said, some of the most notable moments, thankfully, belonging to the kills, as Silent Night serves up some gruesomely fun and satisfying death scenes. From start to finish, the limbs are flying and the blood is spurting, but there is one specific scene involving a wood chipper that is not only THE highlight of Silent Night, it's certainly a candidate for best death scene of 2012.

Silent Night surprised me in two ways: One being that it is a very solid, well made and completely entertaining Slasher film. The other is the fact that the film is directed by Steven C. Miller, who is the director behind the low-budget zombie film, Automaton Transfusion, a movie I absolutely hated. And I mean HATED. Hated in a way where I would have never expected the director to do anything even remotely good, so I suppose I should tip my proverbial cap to Miller for stepping up his game and giving me a good reason to keep an eye on his future projects. 

Silent Night succeeds as a remake by shedding the skin of the film that would influence its creation, while delivering the classic Slasher goods to near perfection. You aren't getting anything groundbreaking with this one, which should be apparent, one would assume, but that's not the goal when it comes to making a good, or at least moderately fun, Slasher film. Keep it simple, follow the basics and deliver the goods, and all will go to sleep with a smile on their face. Well, unless they've been naughty, that is. In which case, maybe their night might be a little more silent than expected…

Iced (1988): These Ski Boots Are Made for Stalking

I'm pretty sure that most of you are well aware of the old saying, "It's all fun and games, until someone gets hurt." Well, never has that saying been truer than for Jeff, who was suddenly taken from us when he took to the slopes for a few runs of drunken skiing shortly after being humiliated in a race that was meant to win him a chance with the girl of his dreams. The whole gang thought it would be super happy fun time to take the piss out of Jeff, mocking him for his claims of skiing the Alps and being a weirdo crybaby with no game whatsoever. But boy did they regret it after Jeff took a 3 foot nosedive right on to a pile rocks that probably wouldn't even hurt Elijah Price. Ever since this horrific day, each one of them has been forced to live with this guilt, but now, five years later, as the whole gang meets up for a weekend of skiing, booze, sex, and cooking while lifting weights, they will all be forced to die with it, because Jeff is back… for vengeance! Or for breakfast, but maybe he's too shy to ask?

"Looks like Jeff's really hit rock bottom!"

"Always a sign of quality to come"

Directed by Jeff Kwitny, 1988's Iced is a tremendously low-budget Slasher film that's so bad it would actually have you believe the main threat is a guy named Jeff. It's the type of Slasher where the real killer is the wardrobe, with ski suites so bright that night skiing is never a problem. Iced is the type of B-Movie where no matter how slow a snowplow is moving, you simply cannot get out of its way before it crushes your body into a pile of slow dead loser. We're talking about the type of film that has more tits in it than a dairy farm, and where most of those tits on display belong to Wednesday Addams. Most importantly, however, Iced is the type of Slasher flick that entertains on almost every level, delivering the goods in a way that make the word "goods" feel somewhat uncomfortable by association.

Despite being a little slow with getting to the kills (and by a little slow, I mean an hour), all of which are completely short of even the slightest touch of quality, Iced is your typical ineptly edited/acted/shot/written B-Movie Slasher flick that tells the age old tale of revenge for something done in the past by a group of obnoxious characters. As far as obnoxious characters go, however, one specific character begs for elaboration, and that is Carl (Ron Kologie), a mini-ponytail wearing coke head who can often be found in the bathroom, naked and wet, doing a little "indoor skiing." His rapey ways, bad sense of humor and how he tucks his black jeans into his cowboy boots (when he's dry and dressed) should be enough to clue you in on the type of guy Carl is (an awesome guy).

"A serial killer wearing busted ski goggles can mean only one thing…"

"Busted ski goggle vision!!"

There are a few familiar faces that adorn the cast of this minor masterpiece, most notably being Slumber Party Massacre's Debra Deliso who plays Trina, the girl who Jeff was in love with before he took a nosedive to his untimely (possible) death. Joining Deliso is another Slumber Party Massacre alumni and the writer of the masterful 1988 Slasher flick, Iced, Joseph Alan Johnson, who plays Alex, a sort of real estate agent who's trying to sell the group of reunited friends on purchasing the weekend getaway property. Of course, I already mentioned Lisa Loring, who plays the desperate for male attention Jeanette. Loring is best known for playing Wednesday on the classic sitcom, The Addams Family, but in Iced, Loring will be best remembered as the girl whose boobs have more screen time than any other character in the film. And to be honest, she's pretty good looking, and her boobs are right as rain, so I'm okay with the erecti… err, direction her career took.

"Hump day indeed"

"Open up and say AHHHHHHHHHH (sorry)"

As bad as Iced is, I will give the film credit for having a good setting, which is inherent when your movie takes place at a cabin in the snow covered mountains. I'll even give props to the film for focusing on adults who actually have somewhat adult issues, even if their dialogue is insanely bad. However, giving credit for things well done means little, because none of those things matter with a movie like Iced. The lack of skill on display as a piece of "cinema" screams straight to video shit, but it's ineptitude is a major part of its charm. If Iced delivers one thing, it's laughs (and boobs), and regardless of whether or not that was the goal, the achievement shall be applauded.

P.S. Instead of sharing the trailer, which I couldn't find anywhere, here's the entire movie on YouTube! The opening ski race should be more than enough to sell you on this one.

Dear Santa: by Malachai Boardman

Death-cember: Dropping a Yule Log on the Holidays

The ten year old decorations are up, the house smells of cheap booze, depression and self-doubt, and the realization that the magic of the holidays is nothing more than a bowel movement becomes more and more evident with every trip to Wal-Mart. These things can mean one thing and one thing only: the time has come to once again celebrate the holidays in poor fashion, as today marks the first day of

DEATH-CEMBER!

God how I wish that was a sparkly graphic.

With this being the fourth annual Death-cember, all of this is sort of old hat for me, and possibly familiar territory for a few of you out there, too. However, for those of you who aren't longtime readers (lucky dog), I shall briefly explain what all this nonsense is about. Simply put, Death-cember is a month in which I dedicate all of my posts to things that are either holiday or winter related. So every movie I review will either be set on or around a holiday or during the wintertime. I'll also share some other random holiday stuff such as any cool movie related presents I receive as well as some more humor based posts. Pretty much the same shit I do every Death-cember.  

Anywho, I needn't waste anymore of you time, so I won't; however, if you feel as if the holiday spirit is so deep inside of you that you simply cannot leave just yet, then I encourage you to take a few minutes to read some posts of Death-cember past. All you have to do is click on the creepy golden Santa below, and away you will go, you ho-ho-ho! 

Black Friday Chopping List 2012

Haywire (2012): 93 Minutes of Lay and Pray

Steven Soderbergh's Haywire follows a plot so thin that it's almost barely worth mentioning. The nuts and bolts of the story boils down to this: after being betrayed during a mission, a female special ops soldier (played by Gina Carano) is forced to take revenge on the people who set her up. It's the type of plot that would appear to serve one purpose and one purpose only: to play as a vehicle for some action tough guy (or in this case, tough girl) to knock a few blocks off. Meat and potatoes action, and nothing more. Such simplistic cinema needn't rely on any sort of depth, as such films exist simply as mindlessly fun action flicks meant to entertain our primordial instinct to watch people get their heads bashed in.

Instead of delivering an action platter served over a bed of bodies, Soderbergh, unsurprisingly, goes for a more artistic approach. As a result, much of the action you would come to expect from a plotless film built around a rookie actress whose selling point is the fact that she's a successful female MMA fighter is all left by the wayside in an attempt to do something more important. It's an odd choice bringing on a professional fighter in Carano to play a role where her screen presence is dictated more by her acting and charisma rather than her physical abilities. Even stranger is sticking her in the ring with actors who are, for the most part, some of the best working today, while Carano is barely at the "Stone Cold" Steve Austin level. As a result, Carano is completely left out to dry, playing big league ball with little league abilities. 

It's unfortunate, really, because when Carano is given the chance to show off her stuff, she's quite brilliant. Her Mixed Martial Arts style of fighting translates well to screen, and Soderbergh does a fairly decent job of capturing some of these moments. Much like the film's big name actors diminish her acting skills to that of a grade school level church play, Carano makes a handful of those same actors look about as tough as Rudy Ray Moore pitted up against Bruce Lee. I wish I could say it was a fair trade off, but for Carano, it's not. Unfortunately, she had no business playing a role of this stature because she's simply just not qualified, and I think it shows a complete lack of respect for her on Soderbergh's part to put her in a position in which she cannot escape from (and I certainly cannot blame her for taking the role).  

While I take issue with Gina Carano's acting ability and, more so, how she is utilized by her director, that's only the beginning when it comes to the issues that Haywire has as a film. One of the biggest problems that faces Haywire is the fact that there's no real care behind it. The film is essentially a mishmash of underdeveloped characters and a handful of poorly conceived filtered shots that come to be plundered by an obtrusively ill fitting and genuinely confused score that has no place in any film past 2002. Though, it should be said that this is a bigger issue in the first half, as the latter portion of Haywire plays slightly better in terms of a consistent style. Regardless, this only proves to me that Soderbergh has no sense of cohesion, or at least no care to try to put something together with any sort of thought, let alone heart.

Soderbergh's lack of passion is shown in how he pollutes both Haywire (and a number of his other films) with an inordinate amount of useless characters; character who only seem to exist as a reason for him to get one of his many Hollywood friends involved. Not one single character in Haywire has even the slightest ounce of meat to chew on. Each character is one dimensional, uninspiring and flat out boring, and no matter which one of these great actors fills the role, there is nothing to take away from the lot of them. I almost feel as if Soderbergh knows he can get whoever he wants to play whatever role, regardless of how lackluster the character is, so he simply doesn't even bother to put in any effort, and it shows. That, or he's incapable of writing good characters, which isn't hard to believe, either. To put it bluntly, there's no possible way that anyone will ever walk away from a film like Haywire with a single memory of any character or performance, save for Carano's, but that's for the completely wrong reasons.

With the kinds of films that he's been putting out over the past few years, Soderbergh seems to have set his directing sites on literally cranking out easy to digest, artistic laced genre films that significantly suffer from both a lack of competent style and ability as well as lack what makes a genre film fun or enjoyable. Instead of making a basic action flick staring a female MMA fighter, which is what he wrote and cast his lead for, Soderbergh attempted to make a classy, stylish action film. Now, I have no problem with that, so long as the movie is actually solid; however, the end result here is simply not very good, let alone competent or interesting. And no amount of attempt at style, groovy music or fantastic Hollywood actors will ever change that. Some might call Steven Soderbergh a risk taker. I simply call him lazy and boring, much like Haywire.

The Linnea Quigley/Kuato Case Reopened for Investigation

You may *ahem* recall me doing a few posts back in June concerning the much beloved Scream Queen, Linnea Quigley, doing some puppeteer work for the Kauto puppet in Paul Verhoeven's Sci-Fi Actioner, Total Recall. It all started when I was watching the "Imagining Total Recall" DVD featurette, and for a brief second I spotted (or at least I thought I spotted) one Linnea Quigley doing some puppeteer work on Mr. Lumpy Butt himself, Kuato. Here's that post as well as my photographic evidence below:

Looks just like her, right?! At least I thought so. Anyway, shortly after I did that post, I reached out to Miss Quigley via email and received an answer back that wasn't exactly definite, but it certainly didn't hurt my case (you can read more right here!). In any event, I considered this Quigley/Kuato mystery to be solved, that is, until about a month later when I received a very interesting email from someone who does seem to have a definitive answer in this matter.

Here's the email:

"In my opinion Linnea did not puppeteer Kuato and that is not her in the photo. I know both Steve Johnson and Linnea personally, was working with Johnson when Total Recall was being made and the lead up to it coming out... I am quite sure I would have known had she puppeteered Kuato for Bottin.  Nor does it really look like Linnea in the picture to me, and I worked with her a lot.  I recall to this day being in Johnson's shop when Rob Bottin was being interviewed by a local radio station about his work on Total Recall, certainly Linnea puppeteering for Bottin would have been discussed in shop had it somehow happened.

Kuato was a sophisticated puppet, and Bottin being a perfectionist, would be more likely to enlist either the mechanics who built Kuato or more bonified "puppeteers" (you know, the folks who can put a sock on their hand and create an entertaining character with it) and not "Scream Queens".  Total Recall was shot in Mexico, at a minimum, Bottin would have used his regular crew people to puppeteer, Linnea was not on his crew and bringing Linnea in to do this makes no sense.

From what I heard at the time, Kuato had problems getting through Mexican customs, was supposedly cut into by officials (looking for contraband?) and that it was essentially held ransom awaiting a payoff to government officials by production.  I was told at one point that Kuato got really goofed up by customs and had to be put back together or otherwise assembled or re-assembled after the fact. Whether this is true or not, it was put out there at one time by a Bottin crew member and was discussed within the make-up effects community.

Whoever did puppeteer Kuato was probably down there for most of the show as it had numerous puppeteered elements.  I would have recalled Linnea not being in town and traveling to Mexico to work with Bottin.  Even had it been shot in the states, Steve certainly would have told me of such.

Also, Bottin and Johnson were from different camps and those camps didn't really mix. Bottin kept to himself (his shop was out in the boondocks) and few people at that time that worked for Bottin, really intermingled with the rest of the FX shops.  Most people who worked in make-up effects (the regular shops in the Valley) kind of thought of Bottin as a mystery man, wondering what it would be like to work with him.  Also, at the time, a few of the shops were at odds with each other, and it is my recollection, at that time, that Bottin and Johnson didn't really talk to each other.  For this reason alone, I don't think Bottin would have had Steve Johnson's girlfriend / wife to work on his project."

---

The person who sent this had no problem with me sharing a slightly edited version of the email, but he did ask to remain anonymous, which I can completely understand. I will say that this mystery man is indeed a make-up effects artist who has some seriously rad credentials listed on his impressive IMDB page, and it was pretty cool getting an email from him. There's certainly some very fascinating behind the scenes information here, and it's nice to finally have an answer to the question that has been nagging at Total Recall fans across the globe:

Linnea Quigley did not do any puppeteer work on Kuato for Total Recall.