Dumpster Diving for Halloween!

It's September 1st, bitches, and you know what that means, right?! No, it's not time for your monthly urine test that you have to do as a part of your probation. Well, it is, but that's not what I'm here for. Of course, I am talking about Halloween, which is now only 59 days away! I certainly have the fever, and I gander that you do too, so I thought it would be fun if I were to do a special Dumpster Diving for Gold showcasing a few of the cool Halloween items I have picked up on the cheap so far this year.

A few days back, the lady that I fast kiss to rock ballads with and myself went on a journey of Halloween proportions. It was still a tad early for any of the seasonal Halloween stores to be open just yet, but there were a few already bringing that straight grimy Halloween funk. After checking out a few places and getting ideas for what decorations we might want to nab this year, we took a walk into Goodwill where they had a surprisingly nice amount of solid decorations on display.   

The first - and maybe the worst - thing that I picked up was this set of light-up hands that unfortunately do not work. As you can see from this gorgeous photograph I have taken, they are meant to appear as it they are rising from the earth, just waiting to wring someone's neck. Instead, they are holding my television for reasons none of us should ever contemplate. Regardless of whether or not they work, together they were only $1.49 for the pair, and they don't look too terrible, so stay they will. Also, the hand holding the remote is from last Halloween, but I loved it so much that it ended up staying there year round. It really comes in handy when dusting my entertainment center. 

Next, I have this awesome .99¢ ghost decoration thing, which, in all honesty, I have no idea what it's actually called. I suppose I could look it up, but me sounding dumb is far more interesting a read, I think. We don't have anything in any of the kitchen windows as far as decorations go, but when I saw this fucker, I saw a future for him in the window above the sink. I remember making shit like this when I was a kid, and after picking this guy up, I kind of want to make my own Halloween whatever these things are called to decorate with.

The last two items I have to share would just so happen to be the best of the best of the bunch, and that would be both the skull and the jack-o-lantern tea light candleholders. First of all, these things are pretty great looking pieces that only make my Halloween horror collection all the doper, but to add to the dopeness of it all, they only cost .99¢ apiece! If I were to take a guess, and I will, I would say that the two of these bought at a regular store would at least cost me a five spot for each one, maybe more, so I think I got me a serious deal here.

Now, both look great and all, but to really see them is to see them in their full glory, with lit candles all up in their guts. Which you can see in this not at all dorky video I made below. 

Rad, right?! Also, I want to point out the candle on the right of these two bad boys. It doesn't FALL into the dumpster category, but I must mention how awesome it is. It's made by a Cali company called McCall's Country Canning, and I found it at one of those country stores you see in the mall while shopping for boys.

The store had a handful of incredible Halloween and Autumn scents from McCall's, and each one comes in the most Halloween hard-on inducing jar holder with artwork that nearly caused me to start  breakdancing on the spot. The scent that I picked up is Pumpkin Spice (which will not be lit until the 1st of October!), and let me tell you, the smell is so intense and wonderful, that I will never again bother to smell the roses. It smells like a pumpkin orgy with me right in the middle, covered in pumpkin spunk. Yumm….

Okay, this post is too long, and it's starting to get weird. Have you found any great Halloween decorations for yourself yet? If so, then please share them with me and the rest of us, whoever the rest of us are!

20/20 VCR Horror: How VCRs Destroyed America's Youth!

This is a 20/20 piece that aired in 1987 (or at least I believe it's from 1987) that shed much needed light on the 'VCR Horrors' that shattered the lives of children across America, turning them into sadistic serial murderers and rapists. Please, be warned, what you are about to see is filled with more vicious hyperbole than one should ever endure in one sitting.

"Graphic orgies of blood and violence!"

"It's always a female victim, and it's generally in a sexual context"

Dear god, if it wasn't for this informative news report, we all would've been screwed by this point. Imagine if 20/20 hadn't run this story, warning parents about little Suzy and Tommy attending these "gross out parties," the world would be littered with rabid males foaming at the mouth, while the female population would have drastically dropped due to a rash of rape and murder. Certainly a far cry from that cute and cuddly Frankenstein film from 1931 or that shower scene in 1960's Psycho.

It's interesting watching something like this news report, or any one of the many slanderous stories that came from the era covering similar subject matters concerning horror films and their impact on society (Siskel & Ebert or Morton Downey Jr. taking on Slasher films, for example). It brings back the frustrations of a time when censorship ran as rampant as masked serial killers, the MPAA was destroying art in the name of the lord, horror magazines were pulled from shelves to cool off some angry childless adult, and the only ones left to suffer were the fans, who wanted nothing more than to enjoy the genre we love best.

On the other hand, though, when I see a piece like this, it also reminds me of how fucking awesome the '80s were for horror fans. Never was the genre more popular than during the VHS boom, and the censorship and being all pissed off about it is something I look back on quite fondly, to be honest. The controversy surrounding a handful of horror films stirred up incredible interest in those movies for many of us, and the unattainability of certain tapes only made them more desirable. The censorship of the era gave fans something to be passionate about and, in some capacity, may have formed my youthful rebellious ways, which is something I can say is and will always be, a part of my nature.

So fuck you, 20/20. We're still here and so aren't the movies we love, and - outside of that one time behind a Cumberland Farms after buying a chilly dog and a pack of menthols - I have never attempted to rape or murder anyone.

Stake Land: Putting Teeth Back Into the Vampire Genre

"It's JUST like Zombieland but it's not funny, and instead of zombies it's vampires that are causing everyone so much grief!"

Barf.

I don't know how many fucking times I read that description whenever reading a review for Jim Mickle's latest film, Stake Land. The two films (Zombieland and Stake Land) have NEVER had ANYTHING to do with one another, and I believe that should have been obvious (especially to horror fans) right from the film's first teaser trailer that was released before Zombieland had even come out. Sure, there are some similarities with the post apocalyptic setting, something that was never done in any other film outside of Zombieland. The Last Man on Earth, Omega Man, Phantasm II, The Road Warrior, 28 Days/Weeks Later, Night of the Comet, Carriers, etc. None of those films were set in a time when the world was riddled with either zombies, vampires, infected, crazy people or even some concoction of the four. Is the name Stake Land is a bad choice? Well, it's not a great movie title by any stretch, but the film was initially conceived around the same time as Zombieland, so the comparisons are simply ridiculous if you ask me, especially when every Tom, Dick and Harry felt the need to make the exact same comparison when reviewing the film. 

Sorry, I had to get that off my chest. Shit has been bothering me for months. Let me reign things back in here and get back on track now that I've probably offended someone I like...

Directed and co-written by Jim Mickle - who made a nice little splash with his solid, original take on the zombie film with 2006's Mulberry Street – Stake Land is set sometime after the world had become infected by a deadly virus. But this isn't your typical airborne type of contagion; instead, the deadly plague comes in the form of vampires. Without any back-story to how it all started, the vampires have quite easily taken over the planet, leaving few survivors behind and their victims to come back as their allies.  

Now, these vampires aren't the type of chiseled abs adorned hotties that make out with chicks and style their hair (You know, like me). Nope, these are vicious, man-eating vampires filled with aggression and a certain level of survival smarts and tactics. The idea of a plague by vampirism is a smart choice, as most of us are already aware of how vampires work and how they can turn people into fellow vampires. Therefore, there is no need to explain how the disease has spread; it's a part of the monsters mythos. Though, there are some things that separate the film from the by the book characteristics of vampires, one of them being that they seem to either have evolved or there are at least a few differing breeds of them with some being more powerful than others.  

Stake Land follows a man simply known as Mister (co-writer, Nick Damici) and a teenager named Martin (Connor Paolo) who Mister befriends after saving his life from a vampire attack that left Martin's entire family dead.  Mister – who hates being referred to as Mr. Mister – is what you could call a badass motherfucker who is skilled in the ways of vampire slaying. He and Martin are traveling to Canada (which has been dubbed New Eden) which is supposedly a refuge free of vampires and filled with at least a small sense of normalcy.  

Not at all the most original of ideas in anyway. Regardless, I will always attest to the fact that originality is not an issue if a film can bring something to the idea. There is a reason why classic stories are classic stories. In the hands of the right filmmaker, a classic story can always be told well. That would most certainly be the case with Stake Land. 

Despite the lack of background - which is actually appreciated by myself - Stake Land is a cinematically poignant and deep film that resonates in its situation. Despite the vampiric elements, the circumstances feel real as do the characters. I found myself drawn to the people of Stake Land, as they are somewhat relatable as is the way in which they are dealing with their plight. The characters are who they are and they aren't filled with overly dramatic traits that would mean to alienate the audience or even themselves. I specifically enjoyed the subtle father son relationship between Mister and Martin that is vastly more enduring and somber than any single moment found in the highly overrated and often compared to, The Road. The emotional impact is better conveyed because it's not being forced upon the viewer; it happens naturally. 

Stake Land is filled with very strong performances by all those involved, but the stand out in the film is certainly Nick Damici, who also stared in and co-wrote Mickle's Mulberry Street. What I love about Damici is the fact that he is a real person, a man's man, someone that you would find littering tough guy cinema of the '70s. He's a rarity in these cinematic times, and to see someone like him in a film such as Stake Land is simply awesome. I also must give credit to his character of Mister. He is a true tough guy, but he breaks the mold and never acts so tough that his exterior cannot be broken. Without hesitation, he is compassionate, sympathetic to others and is not at all selfish despite the fact that it could result in his own undoing. He isn't simply trying to selfishly survive, he is trying to fight back the evil that surrounds him.

Mickle has constructed a film that is technically nice to look at on what is supposedly a teeny-tiny budget ($625,000 from what I have read). Stake Land isn't some slick, blue hued vampire film that is overly stylized and hyperkinetic, nor is it a sepia toned apocalypse movie littered with slo-mo shots. It's a straightforward and nicely crafted piece of cinema, filled with wide landscape shots that convey the rural, vast and almost completely devoid of life world that Stake Land is set in. Between the character of Mister and the way in which Stake Land is filmed, it has almost has a Western sensibility to it.   

In what is yet another case of the 'unoriginals', the whole 'people are so much worse than the monsters' commentary is in full effect here in Stake Land. It does work for the most part, but it is a tad over done and also feeds into a portion of the film that might be a point where it loses its footing a little. However, where the film does falter is minute and not nearly enough to affect my thoughts on the film as a whole. Which to me is a near perfectly made and very subdued modern horror/vampire film. There was a time when I was young and vampire films and the creatures themselves were some of my favorite things about horror. Therefore, I am incredibly ecstatic to have a film such as Stake Land come out. Stake Land shows us that the vampire can still be used in a way that is interesting, and proves yet again that the genre is alive and well. We just have to look outside the cinema to find it. 

Salute Your Shorts: Scrutinize

There is a twist involved with Scrutinize that I would dare not ruin for you beforehand, so check out the short before you read my thoughts. Go ahead…I can wait.

Written by Melanie Leanne Miller and directed by Elisabeth and Brenda Fies, Scrutinize, I think, pretty much speaks for itself. I suppose you could call it a moral tale of sorts, focusing on a young girl who would inadvertently be passing judgment on a duo of scummy creeper looking dudes and their seemingly skanky and highly intoxicated female companion. It's an uncomfortable feeling for the girl (played by the film's writer, Melanie Leanne Miller) as she sits in judgment, feeling as if she too is being judged by the trio. Naturally, things only get more uncomfortable for the young, pristine white lady when the dreaded black man enters her train (now if that's not a double entendre…). And when I say dreaded, I clearly don't mean his hair.   

Clutching her purse, she fears the worst as this (un) intimidating black man sits right next to her, all up in her grill. Her situation seems to go from bad to worse in her unfairly judgmental mind, as she internally projects her feelings of discomfort right out into the open, only to find her preconceived notions appearing to be coming true. Of course, the kicker that comes at the end is quite good, playing to the old adage that you can never judge a book by its cover in a way that is surprising and somewhat relieving as far as where the story goes.  

Scrutinize is well put together, and I enjoy how the silly, pop hip-hop dance song is bumping underneath the ominous score. It's a good way to keep you grounded in the situation while it still being tense. The subway setting is a nice change of pace from the usual short films I have watched. But what I think I dig the most about Scrutinize is the idea itself and how it's executed. It grabs your attention and keeps you wondering where it might go, only to have a genuinely smart and very fun reveal in the end. 

You can check out the Fies sisters You Tube channel for more shorts released under what they have dubbed Fies Sister Thrillers. Apparently, they release a new short every Thursday, and after finding myself having a good deal of joy with Scrutinize, I will certainly be keeping my eye on their other shorts as they come.

Hunt to Kill: Vengeance is a Dish Best Served Cold. Stone Cold.

I think it's common knowledge that when taking a look at a film such as Hunt to Kill, staring "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, you have a real good idea of what you're getting into beforehand. Occasionally, the straight-to-DVD video pendulum swings in a direction that can be either better or worse than expected, but more often than not, the film is exactly what you'd expect of it. Which is totally fine, mind you. It's nice to have that low-level action comfort food to fall back on when you just want to sit back and watch something moderately fun and entertaining, while not feeling like you have to be completely dedicated to what's on screen.

Now, I don't really follow wrestling all that much, or at least I haven't in many many years, but I think WWE wrestlers are nothing short of a perfect fit for action films as most come equipped with much of what it takes to be B-level-to-A-list action stars. That thought culminated with becoming completely enamored with Steve Austin while watching the WWE reality completion show, Tough Enough, I knew I had to watch Hunt to Kill the second I saw it was available on Netflix instant.

Directed by Keoni Waxman, Hunt to Kill stars Austin as Jim Rhodes, a U.S. border patrol agent living with his asshole of a daughter, Kim (Marie Avgeropoulos), in the secluded mountains of Canada. I mean, "Montana." Things are going just dandy for Jim and Kim, that is, until Jim gets a phone call from the sheriff, informing  him that he has to pick up Kim from the police station because she was caught shoplifting! Now, outside of Marb reds and fishing worms, what exactly is there to steal in the mountains of Montana? Leaves? Bear skin rugs? Mounted trophies?

Hunt to Kill, Sponsored by Under Armor

While all of this shoplifting nonsense is going down, a group of criminals pull off a major heist, only to have their own boss pull a fast one on them, taking off with all of the earnings. And guess where he heads to? That's right, the mountains of Montana. The gang, in a desperate search to find the stolen money they stole first, head to the police station where they plan to force the sheriff into helping them navigate the dangerous woods so they can find their boss and, in turn, their money. And let's just say, they aren't going to be friendly about it.

The mathematics here are simple…

Jim, making his way to pick up Kim at the jail + Criminals going to said jail to force the sheriff into helping them find their money - A now dead sheriff and a hostage situation involving Kim = Jim begrudgingly helping the gang navigate the woods, while keeping his daughter safe and eventually killing the fuck out of everyone.

As I said, simple.

Hunt to Kill is, as I had expected, an okay little action film. Action wise, it's a tad slow for much of the first hour, but it's never completely boring, and Austin, who is far from the ring, is certainly good enough to carry the film on his massive shoulders, despite a few awkward acting moments. And not that I expected it, but there is nothing all that original about the film, and when I say all that, I mean not at all. It's riddled with clichéd characters and moments that are found in 9,251 other cheap action movies, though, I tend to love that about all cheap action movies. Being able to predict certain moments is a part of their charm. You know the minute you see Gary Daniels in the role as one of the bad guys that there will be a brawl of massive proportions between both him and Austin. It's only a matter of much anticipated time.

Argh, but we were boys in The Expendables, weren't we?!

More often than not, in the final act of most any direct-to-DVD action film, there is this breaking point where the main protagonist/hero is given his shot to take control of the situation using his, or her, own brand of kick-ass justice. This is the heart of any action film such as Hunt to Kill, and thankfully, this is exactly where Hunt to Kill shows up best. Now, this isn't top notch action awesomeness that we're talking about here, but the last 25-minutes of Hunt to Kill is sprinkled with a handful of solid moments that are worthy of a few giggling cheers of joy.

On a technical level, the movie is competently shot for the most part, and the action is displayed well enough, specifically the fight scene between Austin and Daniels which contains a number of edits but still remains coherent and easy to follow. On the other hand, there's some post work that leaves much to be desired with these awkward fade-ins and fade-outs as well as a few fuzzy, slow-motion sepia tone flashbacks that are plugged in at certain moments throughout the film that give it a very cheap feel. In many ways, Hunt to Kill feels like the action equivalent of a Lifetime movie. Like, if Lifetime were to create their own action channel, Hunt to Kill would be one of their premier films. And I would watch the shit out of it every time I strolled by it on cable.    

Oh, and this sly guy shows up for the first four minutes

I have one more thing that I have to yap about before wrapping up this review, and that would be, by far, my favorite moment in Hunt to Kill; my make or break, if you will. However, this is a major *SPOILER!!* for the film's ending. Not that spoilers in a film like this really matter, but I shall warn you regardless.

In the very last scene, after Jim thinks he's beaten the main/lame-o bad guy, Banks (who is played horribly by Gil Bellows, for the record), and reunites with his daughter, Banks suddenly shows up, still alive, and begins taunting Jim, claiming that he can never be killed. It's at this moment that Jim gets on a fucking FOUR-WHEELER!, revs the engine and sneers out this incredible line: "When I hunt…I HUNT TO KILL!," and pops a wheelie as he drives right into Banks, straight running down his ass!

It is fucking awesome. 

Wax Nostalgic

After a short yet grueling day of work had finally come to a long awaited end

My mind was tired, body beat but no rest as Bolo was still to be fed

I gave him food, gave him blood, gave him my own internal wine

He then arose and flexed his pecs as he felt the rejuvenating strength returning to his vine

I quickly moved my behind inside where I would simply coast and sail

Directly to the couch where a nap would be most certain and without much fail

I made one quick stop as I passed by my sun kissed front door

To check inside the mail box when my jaw dropped and nearly hit the floor

As I began to feel an internal warmth fill deep down inside my core

I slightly screeched as from within my reach came a prize that only one such as I could truly adore

As unexpected as it was this could not have had better timing

With the summer heat that's nearly broken me, for fall's start I have truly been dying

It's a reminder that the greatest time of year will soon be here, so there is no need for me to fret

And my excitement for fall and Halloween is incredible, this much you can surely bet

Now the day is done, my mind content, and I can claim it truly complete

As I plop down on my couch and open up to enjoy this wonderful festive treat

I ignored my TV as there was nothing that could compete on each and every channel

When the greatest thing to me at this very moment is the 2011 Halloween edition of Yankee Candle

Great Moments in CGI: The Regenerated Man

Truth be told, this creature is only a labiaplasty and a new hairdo away from being kinda cute, don't cha think? Hey, where're you going?