WEcast: The Monster Squad Part I

I'll keep this snappy as to not bore you with details, but what I have here in this post is the formation of thunder and lightning coming together to create a storm of epic proportions. The thunder would come in the form of Aaron from The Death Rattle, and the lightning would of course be me, the guy that writes the kind of crap you're reading right now. More importantly, the storm that has been mustered up by our length and girth coming together (what?) is in the form of WEcast, which is essentially Aaron and I each recasting a specific film however we best see fit. That specific film would happen to be a movie that is held near and dear to horror fans across the universe, a little movie known as, The Monster Squad. Any questions? Well, lets get going then…

We'll start things off with Aaron's picks for his "Rock Opera" version of, The Monster Squad!

Aaron's Squad

Sean: Justin Long

Not a big fan of Justin Long but he doesn't get on my nerves as much as he does other people's. Sometimes he's funny and yes, sometimes he's annoying, but for the most part I don't really mind him. I'd have him play Sean because he strikes me as someone who has nerdy qualities about him but can still be a leader. He wouldn't be the stereotypical strong hero either, but rather one who acts like a total bitch while under pressure and makes mistakes while providing some comic relief without going too overboard.

Patrick: Giuseppe Andrews

I'm a big fan of Giuseppe, but I'd cast him for the simple fact that he really needs to be in more movies and in bigger roles. I had a few people in mind for this role, but when it came down to it, Giuseppe was the guy. His Deputy Winston character from the CABIN FEVER movies is hilarious and I think he'd make the perfect sidekick to Sean in this film. I can see him and Justin Long having good chemistry together. I originally had Giuseppe playing Sean with Harmony Korine playing Patrick, but that would have been way too creepy.

Horace: Andy Milonakis

Not a fan of Andy Milonakis, but I couldn't really think of a lot of overweight actors out there who don't completely get on my nerves. The Jonas dude from SUPERBAD? Ugh. Seth Rogan? No thanks. Plus, Andy Milonakis is like thirty-something years old but looks like he's sixteen, so I think he would be a good fit into the cast of grown men who need to act and somewhat look younger than they really are.

Rudy: Jared Leto

Since my fucked-up version of the MONSTER SQUAD is a Rock Opera, we'd need someone to represent the good guys who can actually sing. It was either Leto or Kevin Bacon, so I obviously went with Leto. In the original, Rudy was the cool older kid who the rest of the characters looked up to, and Leto's a rockstar, so there you go. In this remake, he would be the singer of some shitty cover band and work at Home Depot. Not that there's anything wrong with working at Home Depot, but it would kinda keep his character a little more grounded to reality and not make him some bigshot rock singer (in a shitty cover band), and most importantly give him (and the rest of the guys) access to the material they need to make monster-destroying weapons. Besides, I have to admit that I am a fan of 30 Seconds To Mars, but don't tell anyone. I might lose my street cred.

Phoebe: Alexa Vega

To be honest, I don't know much about Alexa Vega, but I do know that she can sing, which would come in handy as far as creating some musical numbers for the good guys in this trainwreck of a Rock Opera. The only thing I've ever seen her in was REPO: THE GENETIC OPERA, and she did a pretty good job in it despite the movie being kinda stupid and way too overhyped (*cough*Bloody Disguting). She'd basically be the annoying teenage sister of Sean who develops a crush on the hunky Rudy and therefore tags along with the Monster Squad. And instead of Patrick's sister being the so-called virgin, it would be Phoebe. Only to find out that she really isn't a virgin (what a slut), which is where Patrick's sister would come in.

Patrick's Sister: Shannyn Sossamon

For no other reason that I'm head over heels in love with Shannyn Sossamon. As far as her character, she'd still have to be a virgin just like in the original, except she'd REALLY have to be a virgin so that she can come in at the last second and save the day. Now, how could we pull off someone as incredibly sexy as Shannyn being a so-called virgin while having some believability behind it? Simple. We'd just make her a nun. Super religious chick, joined a convent when she was old enough to, and she comes out of the convent to help her brother and his friends battle the evil monsters by reading Van Helsing's diary and using it to defeat Dracula. I can also picture Shannyn in a nun's habit doing the one-handed shotgun pump before blowing one of the monsters away (most likely Gillman). Nuns with shotguns.

Eugene: Kodi Smit-McPhee

The weird kid from THE ROAD and LET ME IN. In this remake, he'd be Sean and Phoebe's little brother so that he's not just some random little kid who hangs out with a bunch of older dudes who more than likely partake in some ganja-smokin'. He'd also be the character who develops a friendship with the Frankenstein Monster as opposed to Phoebe. Instead of Horace being bullied for his weight, it would be Eugene for being a loner and a runt. That's where Rudy would come in, and Eugene would use him to get in with his older brother and friends. Eugene would also be the one who the "good guys" would ultimately have to rescue from the monsters at some point. Can you tell I put way too much thought into this?

Dracula: David Bowie

If you know me well enough, you're probably wondering why I wouldn't have picked Mike Patton to play Dracula since he's my favorite singer. The truth is, I honestly can't see him pulling it off, even in a fake movie that exists only in my head. Anyone who has seen FIRECRACKER knows he's not the best actor in the world. Bowie, on the other hand, isn't just a good actor, but a damn fine singer as well. A favorite of mine. He'd also make an interesting Dracula. In this version, he wouldn't look like your typical Bela Lugosi type of Dracula, though. He'd be a hybrid of the traditional Count Dracula and the Goblin King from LABYRINTH. Instead of a bat, he'd turn into an owl. And he'd do a really sassy musical number.

Wolfman: Glenn Danzig

I think Danzig would make a great Wolfman because he's short (I don't know why, but the image I have in my head of the Wolfman is that of a tiny, but angry, monster), he would probably look pretty cool in the wolf makeup, he would no doubt contribute some great Goth Metal tunes to the soundtrack, and, most importantly, He Is The Wolf. I might be a little biased since the Misfits are one of my favorite bands of all time. I'd just have to hire extra security to make sure none of the North Side Kings were around the set. We don't want any incidents.

Frankenstein Monster: Vortex

Who? No, not Vortex the awesome heavy metal band, but Vortex the former bass player and co-vocalist of the "Black Metal" band Dimmu Borgir. Why, of all people, would I cast some random ex-bass player of a mainstream Black Metal band as the Frankenstein Monster? Well, for one, the dude is almost seven feet tall. And he can actually sing. Plus, he's from Norwegia or Scandinavia or some random European country where a lot of Black Metal bands are from (and no doubt live isolated in the mountains like misanthropes because they're too "Metal" for the rest of society), so he can add a little bit of European flavor to the bad guys.

The Mummy: Snoop Dogg

This was a no-brainer (get it?) because Snoop is super skinny and already has the build of a Mummy. All you gotta do is wrap him up in some bandages. Plus, the Mummy has that distinctive "Mummy walk", so maybe Snoop could just kinda do the pimp limp. He'd be a Hip Hop Mummy. A Mum-mizzle, my nizzle. There would be braids sticking out of the bandages on his head and he'd be constantly be surrounded by clouds of smoke. You'd never see him actually smoke any marijuana, though. That would be the whole inside joke.

Gillman: Michael Phelps

Who better to have play an aquatic humanoid creature than an Olympic gold medalist swimmer? In the original SQUAD, the Gillman didn't really do anything except throw a casket and get shot the fuck up by Horace. In my version, he'd be a lot more aggressive and, with Phelps playing him, he'd have some pretty kick-ass swimming skills. Imagine being in the water and having Michael Phelps in a Gillman costume swimming after you? You'd be fucked.

Scary German Guy: Werner Herzog

Hands down the easiest character to cast. Well, not easy to cast, but easy to come up with a list of choices for. I wish I could share all of the alternate choices I had for actors to play this role, and trust me it was hard to narrow it down to Werner Herzog despite how awesome he would be. In the end, though, I did go with Werner, just because he's actually German (well, "Austrian", but whatever) and he has a great voice. Can you just picture him trying to teach Phoebe to read Van Helsing's diary in German and constantly getting frustrated when she can't get it right? It would be hilarious. And then the ghost of Klaus Kinski would show up at some point and cuss Werner out while choking him.

……………………………………………..

Stay tuned for tomorrow will bring us my WEcast picks for, The Monster Squad!

Pandering is so tacky…

While I feel a little strange about whoring myself out on my own blog (as opposed to someone else's?), I will because it's for a very good reason. My lovely fiancé and I recently entered a wedding contest and magically made it into the top ten. Over the next two weeks, the five couples with the most votes will make it to the final round wherein the judges will decide the winner. We have a crazy good chance of winning if we were to make it to the final round but we still need to get there, and that is where YOU come in!  

Over the next two weeks people can vote for us, the couple on the sidebar to your right, once a day. There is a somewhat annoying registration thing, but once registered, it's no problem to vote everyday afterwards. Thanks to my pal Randy, I have a complete guide to registration made easy so it will save you the time of figuring it all out for yourself.        

"You have to register on the website, get a confirmation email (check spam too!) - and then go back and log in - THEN you can vote - by clicking ...on the little vote box under their name and going back up to the top of the form - inputting the straight from hell confirmation code - and then clicking vote. It will then say "Your vote has been added under all the photos". "

So there you go…I know it's a lot to ask, but it would really mean a whole lot to me and the lady that I make it with, and we would appreciate it more than anyone could ever imagine.

Here's a link to the contest with all the info, and thank you for being a friend. Travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true…okay, I'll stop now.

The Hunky Action Hangover

Eh, it does have a nice ring to it but the only reason for this one time name change is the fact that the only two movies worth a damn on cable television today come in the form of hunky action stars in their respective hunky action roles. Hunky being subjective, I would assume, specifically with the first film on todays hangover, which comes to us in the form of the Sly Stallone actioner, Cliffhanger, playing on AMC at 10:00. I have never had the chance to catch up with Cliffhanger and for no other reason than I just haven't. I have, however, seen Oscar. In the theaters. I am slightly ashamed of all that I have confessed to today. Please, forgive me.



One film that I have seen, and many time, is our next and finale movie of this wicked short hangover, and that would be Road House, showing at 3:00 on VH1. Now, when you think action hunks, it get no hunkier - and more homoerotic - than one Pat Swayze in his ballet inspired martial arts prime. Mix that in with a little fatherly figure love from Sam Elliott, a monster truck, a handful of great barroom brawls, a hot blonde doctor and a whole lot of olive oil, and you have yourself the perfect movie to help with that vicious hangover.


That is all for today…until next time, my dear friend. Until next time.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Holly Waits For No Man Edition!

In honor of the far too long awaited DVD release of Best Worst Movie, a documentary chronicling the enigma that is only known as Troll 2, I shall dedicate this dance party to one of my many favorite moments from the greatest of sequels. Very few can truly grasp what it means to be dope, but one person I know of does it like very few can even conceive of, and that would of course be the incredibly talented, Holly Waits. She's got the look, the moves, the sass and everything in-between to make her a true Freddy's Friday Night Dancing Queen. So without further ado, lets pop in that Memorex cassette tape and let Holly do what she does best, outside of bodybuilding and keeping boys at bay, of course.   

It's probably the quickest dance party of all time, but Holly's spoken word in the second half is something I liken to a form of freestyle rap, and when she spits, she spits venom. It's like Def Poetry Jam but with a fine ass white chick in a Garfield nightgown. Elliot Cooper, you have no clue what you're missing out on with this one. While you're off laying in bed with some dude you call "a friend," Holly is all alone, only to find the time to hone her "I'm one banging broad" skills with precision. Seriously, do you think that mirror reminisces every day about the moment that Holly stood in front of it? Like, I can totally imagine it gets really sad knowing that such a talent will never be displayed on it's reflective surface ever again. This one's to you, Holly Waits, for you bring it unlike no other, and for that, we thank you. 

2LDK: Catty-Shack

I've had a fair share of roommates in my life, and I believe that anyone that has ever lived with someone else (even good friends or family) knows it can be difficult to do at times, especially when your roommate and yourself are completely different from one another. 2002's 2LDK (which is Japanese apartment lingo for two bedrooms with a combined living room, dining room and kitchen area, not the name of some hot new boy-band. I know, too bad.) takes a very close look at Nozomi and Rana (Eiko Koike and Maho Nonami), two roommates who are from opposite ends of the Earth when it comes to personality, upbringing and how they carry themselves socially. 

Nozomi is a bit of a prissy little miss goody two shoes, while Rana is more of bad girl with a skankier edge to her. Both women have one thing in common, though, which is each of them are aspiring actresses, and the only reason they even live together in the first place is due to their agency putting them up for free in the same gorgeous apartment. While there is no mention as to how long they have lived together, it would seem as if it hasn't been very long, but it's been long enough for them to find those little annoyances with one another. Annoyances that can build up over time.

Early on it is learned that Nozomi and Rana are both vying for the same career changing part in a major movie, Yakuza Wives. Everything start off casually, with their conversation being  somewhat cordial on the surface, but what each girl is thinking is done so with a hysterically rude voice over so the audience can hear just what their thoughts actually are. Almost as if they are having a mental and verbal conversation. Even with the faux kind exterior, they speak to each other with this passive-aggressive tone making it obvious that they both dislike one another, they just refrain from saying it aloud. At first.

As the two females interact with one another, their discontent slowly bubbles to the surface throughout the span of the evening. Little conflicts arise, jabs are thrown, jealously begins to cut deeper - especially with both hoping to land the same film role – and the pleasant filter quickly begins to dissipate. Eventually, things start to spiral out of control as one little thing like used shampoo without asking turns into all out chaos over the scant 70-minute runtime. In this short amount of time, these two girls do to one another what many a roommate would love to do to their respective space sharer (and then some), or to any one that you cannot stand but are forced to deal with on a regular basis. I'll keep the details to myself as to not ruin any of the fun.

Directed by Yukihiko Tsutsumi, 2LDK is a part of the Duel Project, in which producer Shinya Kawai challenged both Tsutsumi and director Ryuhei Kitamura (whose respective half of the project is titled Aragami) to see who can direct a better feature length film using only one set, minimal characters and all of it being done within a week’s time. The common theme of both films: A battle (or Duel) to the death, naturally.

Now, this is an idea that can breed creativity in the face of difficulty, forcing established directors to use their imaginations to overcome the extreme limitations. This is a challenge that must be risen to for egotistical as well as personal artistic reasons, and Tsutsumi certainly does so with 2LDK. This film is the definition of entertainment, a film that skewers human dynamics, specifically those of incredibly sensitive and spiteful women (the BEST kind!), and it is done in a way that it is just simply hysterical at times. Much of  the interactions between Nozomi and Rana are funny because they are true. Well, true to a point, of course, as the film does go from 0-60 mph with 60 being somewhat over-the-top in true Japanese form. However, by that point in the movie, over-the-top is the only way to go.

Both actresses are fantastic, playing off each other perfectly, almost like a demented version of Felix Ungar and Oscar Madison. They are forced to physically face one another in a slew of ways, and both handle it quite well, but the bread and butter is the lead up to the eruption of anarchy. Watching these two go at it in the snarkiest of ways is simply enjoyable. No matter how well made the film is, especially considering the limitations, it is the actresses and how their character's interact with each other - as well as the quirky but darkly spot on sense of humor - that make 2LDK one of the most enjoyable films I have seen in a while.

The Mystery Of Cropsey Solved At the All New Paracinema?!

Well, that may be a bit of a stretch but there is an all new Paracinema website that can be found, and I do  have a review of the true crime documentary, Cropsey, posted there, so that's close enough I suppose. Make sure to stop by and read my review, but also make sure to take in all the glory of this fine new site where you will be spending your nights and weekends taking in all the cinematic magic that will be showered upon you!

Check out the new Paracinema hotness here!

Check out the Cropsey review hotness here!

The Horror Hangover

Holy hangover, Batman, it's The Horror Hangover. Sorry, that's a lame ass way to start off a post. You deserve better than that. You deserve better because it is you that suffers from the horrors you have put your body through in the past 24 hours. It's not even so much you that has caused this as much as it is the disturbing amount of alcohol that made its way down your throat, the 3 packs of Parliament Ultras that you smoked and the dirty person you poked afterwards. It happens. So let's start over again…My name is Matt, and I would like you to take a load off after your rough evening and enjoy, The Horror Hangover. Presented by Stayfree.  

We'll kick this bitch off over at SyFy for a triple thrash threat of incredible special effects and story lines, starting at 11:00 with Cyclops, a film about a Cyclops. Following Cyclops, SyFy spins a web of mystery and suspense with Ice Spiders at 1:00. I've seen Ice Spiders and it is terrible, sure, but it's also pretty fun, so in the pantheon of SyFy films, Ice Spiders is a go in my book. Keeping with the mutated animal theme, SyFy shows a movie that I actually have been wanting to see for some time now (I'm serious), and that's Mega Shark vs. Giant Octopus at 3:00.

Speaking of sharks, AMC is showing Deep Blue Sea at 3:30. Now, I hate and have a Deep (blue) SEAded fear of sharks. Like, it's really bad. However, I love Deep Blue Sea and think it's simply a fun giant monster movie made in the truest of B-Movie fashions. Even though I have seen it quite a few times, I am still such a pus about sharks that I shudder at the idea of watching the movie and seeing one of those disgusting assholes open their mouth. So it's all you.

Ending the day, we head over to TNT for a back-to-back does of Tarantino's Kill Bill films, starting at 3:00 with Kill Bill: Vol. 1, with Vol. 2 immediately afterwards at 5:15. Funny enough, as I am writing this, Vol. 2 is on TNT, and I just watched the trailer fight scene between The Bride and Elle Driver. I couldn't resist. Love both the Kill Bill films, especially the first one, so my recommendation is a no-brainer. If you don't have time to watch the films, take a minute and watch the whole bloody affair below.