Halloween is creeping towards us at an alarming rate, and by this point nearly every store FINALLY has their Halloween gear in place, and I am finding more and more of my purchases being of the haunted holiday variety. During a trip to the grocery store a few days ago, I bumped into a massive display carrying a Halloween version of one of my favorite cereals, Cap'n Crunch. As is the case with all styles of this wonderful sugary snack, it is delicious as all hell, but what makes it different from the usual CC cereal is the haunted crunchy ghosts (no relation to crunch berries, mind you) that turn the milk from white to a spooky shade of green! What?! How is that possible you ask? Satanism, of course, but boy does the devil taste delicious!
Sam Adam's Octoberfest is one of the highlights of every Halloween season for me, and as you can see, I have already indulged in a few swigs of this here tasty beverage. I actually love pretty much any type of micro-brewed Oktoberfest, but I am not sure how much variety I will find in my part of Ohio (though, they do hold an actual Oktoberfest here!), as opposed to Mass where there were more than enough choices to give half the state alcohol poisoning. My personal favorite - and the one I will miss the most - is Berkshire Brewing Company's Oktoberfest out of Deerfield, MA. If you love great beer and are ever anywhere near New England, make sure to keep an eye out for it, or any of their brands, and send me a couple of 64 oz growlers while you're at it!
I have one more thing that made its way into my life and, in turn, my heart recently and that is this awesome hand-soap dispenser that I found while scooping out the Halloween scene at K-Mart. The second I heard the sweet sound of evil cackling and organ music, I was sold. Best part is you can just tap the top of the dispenser to get the song to play, so I can keep on having dirty booger fingers with no worries of them becoming clean due to my Halloween fiend like tendencies. I conform to no form of soap.
Well, this week is certainly not amazing, but it is a step up from the previous week, and that is thanks to a few choice films that we have on slate for today. However, as Halloween creeps closer and closer with each week that passes, I expect the Hangover to grow faster than Tom Hanks in Big. Anyways, enough useless nonsense from me…why don't you all climb aboard the S.S. Horror Hangover and we can get started on our journey.
Hmm…where to start first…okay, we can head over to FX for what is a solid day of movie watching, starting in the wee hours of 9:30 with the film, Jawbreaker. It's funny, I saw this movie back when it came out and I remember very little about it outside of it being an attempt at a modern version of Heathers. I also remember thinking it was pretty decent too, but that was a long time ago now, so who knows just how good the film actually is. Either way, a bitchy Rose McGowan is always a joy to watch if you ask me.
After you recover from your sore jaw, you can keep it on FX for today's next film, which is 30 Days of Night at 11:30. Meh, I loved it when I initially watched it, the second time however, the flaws came flooding in with the quickness. Ben Foster is annoying, which is almost always the case, and the vampires were corny as all hell. Seriously, the language they use is hysterical, and the way they constantly growl and try to bite at the air just makes things all the more ridiculous. Close your mouth dude, you look lame. Outside of those important issues, the movie is pretty cool.
Staying with FX for one more film, 2:00 gives us a monster of a good time with Cloverfield. Perfect? No, but I absolutely love Cloverfield and totally bought right into the awesome marketing, and I still find myself falling victim to any possible hint towards a sequel. Like, I am convinced that Let Me In is actually Cloverfield 2. Definitely a great film to watch whilst laying in your hangover induced death bed.
Now that we are moving on and away from FX, we can take a quick, and I mean quick, trip to SyFy for the barf they have on tap for the day. I can get into a cheesy end of the world SyFy movie from time to time, but when they show them, they show them all, and they do it often. I'm over it, so I'll blast through this one for the sake of my sanity.
11:00 Meteor
1:00 Supernova Part no-fun
3:00 Supernova Part pooh
Done.
Okay, now if you do want to spend some time with an apocalyptic film that is actually good, head over to IFC for a 3:00 showing of Right at Your Door. Great, simple and very intimate little film, Right at Your Door trades in wild happenings for a scenario that could certainly ring very true in our modern times, thus, making it pretty frightening.
That does it for today kiddies…I'll see you all the next time around.
The newest issue of BthroughZ just recently went up, and with that comes the review that I did for The Asylum's Paranormal Activity cash-in, Paranormal Entity. As is always the case, there are plenty of great things to check out in this month's issue, so I fully encourage you to play around for a bit, after you read my review, of course. Plus, I think I came up with the best review title ever for the movie, so you'll have to check it out to see what it is. Click on the magazine cover with the boobies for the pathway to heaven.
ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Paranormal Entity, which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!
This Muscles from Brussels is truly marking his territory here at CNAMB, and now with his third time tearing it up on the dance floor, Jean-Claude Van Damme has had the most dance party appearances outside of Freddy Krueger. I'm sure that makes him enormously proud. But what he should really be proud of is his ability to tantalize us all with every move he makes, and no, this clip is not quite as infectious and move groovy as My Name is Jean Claude Van Damme - I will Dance For You, but shit will really put you in the mood to let loose.
This clip comes from the Van Damme 1989 martial arts classic, Kickboxer, and really shows what an imposing force JCVD is when he gets in a groove. He just gets up there and swings his dick around for a minute and next thing you know, dude has two girls under his spell. And heck, how can these ladies resist? I mean, it must be very difficult to fight off the urge to rock it with JCVD when he is adorned with some fabulously fitted khakis, matched with some sort of onesie that looks to have buckles on it. There is no saying no to that, it is what it is, and to fight it is to fight yourself.
It's no wonder the locals are so quick to brawl with Jean-Claude in what is one of the greatest scenes in all of cinema. Guy came in, looked better than everyone else, danced like Denny Terrio wishes he could, takes all the bitches and then proceeds to rape the floor and shake his butt cheeks like it's no ones business. It was only a matter of time before the male patrons of the finest establishment in Thailand take shots at this khakied dance machine. The fight scene is nothing short of spectacular as Claude Van pulls off his signature moves perfectly, only to finish them with a little sway to show that he is indeed drunk. My personal favorite - the no look, behind the back head butt, only to be one upped slightly by the perfectly placed splits-kick-to-double head-split. Lights out, bitches.
The newest issue of Paracinema Magazine has been unleashed on the ever waiting earth, and it just so happens to be somewhat of a milestone as it is the tenth issue! Quite the accomplishment for a DIY film magazine that focuses on thoughtful articles about genre cinema, as opposed to the usual poopie-caca-doodoo that can be found in most every other magazine on the market. As always, I urge you, the dear readers of CNAMB, to pre-order the September issue so you can see what you are missing out on. PLUS! There may or may not be a little something that yours truly may or may not have had a small hand in included in the issue. What could it be? It's a secret, and the only way you will ever find out is to pick up the issue for yourself!
Now, besides the little influence I may or may not have had, there are plenty of other fantastic articles the promise to make straight love to your brain, while massaging your heart. Those would include:
Melodrama in Fast Motion: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls As Not Just Strange but Scathing
by Adam Blomquist
Pink Socks and Monsters: Excess in Andrzej Żuławski’s Possession
by Todd Garbarini
Film Fanatical: A Conversation with Author Danny Peary
by Brian Saur
Robert Downey, The Fool Prince
by Brett Taylor
The Voice from Below
By Mike White
Send In the Clowns, If Your Conscience Can Handle It: The Complications of Watching Clownhouse
by Emily Intravia
To pre-order Paracinema Issue 10, click the link for crying out load! While you're there, make sure to check out all of the awesome back issues that are available, many of which are as low as FIVE DOLLARS!!! That's cheaper than a handjob from a crackhead. Not that I would know.
Set in a post-apocalyptic wasteland, 2009's The Road follows a father and his son as they are trying to survive in a dead world where there are almost no resources left. There is no plant or animal life left, let alone much food and water. The very few humans that are still alive, are dangerous bandits that more than likely will rob them for their belongings, as well as taking the flesh from their bones just to fill their hungry bellies. There is little to be said as to what has caused the world to get to this darkened point, but there are flashbacks to a once happy life that would come to crumble under the pressure of the cataclysmic happenings.
I'm not really sure what else there is to say about The Road story wise, as it's as simple as watching a father and his son walk from point A to point B. They have a few run-ins with various people, some good, some not so good. They find food and shelter but are forced to run away due to fear of being cannibalized by scavengers. They are on a journey, but it's a journey to nowhere, essentially, which really makes their travel and need to survive completely pointless. While that may seem poetic in a way, it's unfortunately pretty boring to be quite honest.
The Road is about the despair of a father, a father that’s love and fear is so deep, he would kill his own son to keep him from being knowingly victimized by bandits. He even teaches his son that suicide is the alternative to being possibly raped and eaten by less than respectable survivors of this apocalypse. On the other hand, the boy has hope, a youthful hope, an unrealistic hope that his father knows can be very dangerous for the overly hopeful and trusting boy.
This is not a film that would focus on action but on emotion. Intense, heart ripping, emotion, and there are twenty gallons of that emotion displayed on screen, but not one single drop of it has any sort of impact. I'm not sure if I can pinpoint why The Road couldn't pull me into the character's plight, but it seemed as if it was expected of me to have certain reactions without earning them first. Without making me care for the characters beforehand.
I am the type of filmgoer that can easily have emotion projected on me, even if it is from a source that I have no personal connection with. I can channel it and be completely swept up by sentiment and passion, as I can simply relate to it as a human being with feelings. So maybe not having a child of my own could be looked at as a factor, but I seriously doubt that's the case. I should be able to feel a connection, whether or not I have a similar one in my own personal life.
It is that attachment that would make or break this film, and without it, The Road fails incredibly. I didn't root for them to make it because there was nothing to be made - there was no investment because there was no point. To make things worse, the boy was incredibly annoying on almost every level. The character is obnoxiously whiny and mopy, and it's not even because he is living a horrible life in a devastated world, it's because he has all this hope while his father doesn't. Give me a break.
Kodi Smit-McPhee's performance doesn't help any either, as everything he said and did drove me up the wall. He really gives Jake Lloyd a run for his money, and if he said 'papa' one more time, I may have tried to fit my head into the garbage disposal. I cannot help but think if there had been a better actor involved, the film may have been slightly more bearable for me, but I stress slightly because the character is hokey to begin with. Mortensen, on the other hand, is fantastic, but that is not much of a surprise, I suppose. Nevertheless, his gripping performance seems all for not since his character couldn't grasp my affection in the slightest.
It's really too bad, The Road is simply gorgeous and the look is what I think we all would come to expect if the world was indeed dead. The decay of the planet and the minimal characters that inhabit it are all very believable on an aesthetic level and the art department deserves much kudos for their projection of this lifeless future. While John Hillcoat's direction is technically solid, being the director, he also failed to deliver a film that could make me care at all about its characters and what happens to them. I never once felt their pain or even their few moments of happiness, and if I cannot feel it, why should I be invested in it?
Finally, after a two week hiatus, The Horror Hangover is back and as mediocre as ever! I would love to be all sly and joking about that but this is not the cream of the crop as far as hangovers go. However, there is at least enough to motivate you all to wake from your deep slumber, grab the remote and wait for the pain to end.
As I said, there isn't a whole lot on, so I thought I would get fancy and include a TV show today, but it is a show that fits like a glove here at the hangover. Starting our day is a special episode of Ghost Adventures: The Beginning at 10:00 on the Travel Channel. This is actually the two-hour documentary that would go on to influence the series, so I certainly think it's kosher to include it, and if you have not seen the show before, then it is a must. In fact, here are four reasons why you should.
The forth reason is clearly Zak Bagans and his bod, of course. Speaking of bods, you might want to gas up that monster truck, 'cause we're taking a trip to the Road House at 1:30 over at VH1. I mean, this is Road House we're talking about here people, it's a tough guy classic starring the late great Pat Swayze, Pat's butt, Sam Elliott, Sam's mustache AND beard and a whole lot of ass kicking. No more need be said.
And taking us to an early death, SyFy will occupy the rest of the hangover with a slew of movies I am positive will deliver the goods. First up is the Tobe Hooper film, 2005's Mortuary, which is showing at 11:00. Hooper really fell off pretty hard, unfortunately, but I won't front, the trailer looks okay in a ridiculous and fun way. Still, I also read not one thing to support that thought, so I feel inclined to believe it isn't very good.
Next up on the SyFy platter of poop is a film titled Intermedio, which is showing at 1:00. The film is about a group of teens that are plagued by dangerous ghosts while being trapped in a Mexican border tunnel. Intermedio has a worse IMDB score than even Mortuary, but it does star Cerina Vincent, something I can certainly deal with.
Well, our day is now coming to a close with our last film, which is a 3:00 showing of The Cursed on SyFy. I'm beginning to think we may be the ones that are cursed with what SyFy is making us sit through this Sunday, but at least it's all over, right? Well, hopefully next week is a little better, but please make sure to brush your teeth before me meet. Yo shit smell like dragon farts.
