FIN

That there is a fancy way of saying done, finished, it's all over. Of course, I would be referring to the wonderful Blogathon known as the Chuck Norris Ate My Blog Contest. I put my contribution up only ten minutes before the "deadline," even though I wrote it at the beginning of the week…I'm such a goof, aren't I? Luckily, mine doesn't count, or I would have won all three prize packs, but that might constitute as cheating? Anyways, I received a nice amount of submissions, which I will be sorting through and posting links to all of them here in a monster-mega-post very very soon. Shortly after that, my unbiased secret judge will be helping with picking the winners, which will be announced by the end of this week. Probably.

I have gotten more than enough submission to keep me from having even been able to read them all still, which is a great thing, so I will be playing a whole lot of catch up in the following days, while trying to keep up with my meditation and Kung-Fu exercises. I'm sure I will do this more than once, but I really want to thank everyone that took the time to write something for this bearded cause. Heck, some people even wrote multiple posts, which is nothing short of awesome if I do say so myself. So thanks again. You all are true baby eaters. Now, watch this clip until you get tired of it. Oh wait, you never will.

Special thanks to Paracinema, The Adventure Company and Wild Eye Releasing for providing some of the dope prizes for this massive contest.

Denim Demigod

Ever wonder how Chuck Norris is able to throw down dope kicks to foolish suckers while wearing jeans tighter than a Chinese foot binding? It wasn't always easy for the blonde black belt, and for many horrendous years, Chuck suffered from embarrassing crotch rips, shortened kicks and a lack of confidence. Not to be one to take that crap lying down, on a bed of nails, Norris took matters into his own beard and created Action Jeans.

Chuck Norris Action Jeans, made for a man, by a man, these multipurpose Karate-kick jeans are each individually handcrafted by forging steel, human dreams, and a chest hair from Chuck himself, in every pair. As you can see from these lovely adverts, Chuck got his swagger back, he became one with his jean and this gave him the opportunity to create the Norris look, which consisted of bad ass, a form of facial hair, cowboy boots (made of human skin, naturally) and of course, a size too small pair of Action Jeans.     

  

This next one should just probably say: If you have a huge cock, like Chuck Norris, go with the Action Designer jeans! Look at his smile (and the close-up cock shot) and you know it's true.

The Horror Hangover

After a whack ass schedule last week, this Sunday gives us a line-up worthy of even the most ferocious of hangovers. So if you're feeling the aches and pains of an evening gone drunk, then let me protect you from the pain of having to figure out what is on this afternoon, so you can focus on erasing the memories of who you almost boned last night. 

We'll start our day off with a SyFy animals gone wild, mutated, or whatever scientifically plausible excuse used that makes them eat people, or each other, blowout! First up is Dinocroc (2004) at 9:00, a movie that realizes crocodiles just aren't scary enough on their own, so it may be best to add a little dinosaur in there to spice things up. Funny, aren't crocodiles kind of like dinosaurs? We got any herpetologists reading? If so, maybe you can help with the 11:00 film, Snakehead Terror (2004), about a fish bigger than Shaq with a snake's head for a ummm…head, naturally. Following Snakehead Terror, SyFy then gives us a double dose of my favorite movie monster, the shark, with Spring Break Shark Attack (2005) at 1:00 and Mega Shark Versus Giant Octopus (2009) swimming closely behind at 3:00.

Oh, is that SyFy gold not good enough for you? Fine, going back to 10:00, TBS brings the pain with the film that made Jackie Chan a household name, Rumble in the Bronx (1994). It's not one of his best films, and while it's no Super Cop or Drunken Master, Rumble is a blast and fun for a million and one reasons. One of them not being that annoying asshole kid in the wheelchair who cannot stop complaining about his cushion. Seriously, that little prick almost gives Franklin from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre a roll for his money when it comes to most annoying character of all time.

Things don't slow down after that, though, when AMC keeps the Asian action coming with, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story (1993) at 12:00. Great biopic about a man beyond any praise I am capable of. Jason Scott Lee (who I loved in Mallrats) plays Bruce Lee wonderfully, and even though I have seen this film many times, I can always leave it on and watch it at any point when it plays on television.  

Immediately following Dragon, AMC gives us our final film this afternoon with the tough guy classic, Above the Law (1988) at 2:30. A salt and peppered Henry Silva vs. Steven Seagal before he got fat and developed that special Seagal-sense that he uses to catch criminals in New Orleans. Man, New Orleans is so lucky… 

Not a bad way to go out for this edition of The Horror Hangover, if I do say so myself. Now you have a nice variety of cinema to enjoy, but really it's a choice between Martial Arts movies and cheesy SyFy films. You're welcome.

RIP Dennis Hopper

A madman's cinematic reign comes to sad end, and even though it was inevitable, it still lessens the blow none whatsoever. Dennis Hopper's battle with prostate cancer was long lasting, but his career and impact on screen outlasted any illness that would become him. Hopper was a true original, he lived his life his way and by his rules, and that is something that translated to his films and his performances…never will there be anyone quite like him. You will be missed Dennis Hopper, and even though you were in the Super Mario Bros. movie, you're still the man, man.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Feel My Nervous Touch Edition!

It's was very difficult not going with an ode to The Touch or Feel My Heat when deciding to let Dirk’s Diggler invade Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party, but what it comes down to is not missing the chance to show some love for a classic cinematic moment. Paul Thomas Anderson's 1997 masterpiece, Boogie Nights - a film about a boy, his dream, the big dong that made that dream cum true and his eventual downfall – is a favorite of mine, and while there are many wonderful musically driven scenes in the movie, the one that stands out most is the drug deal gone wrong.

Keeping in line with the times, Jessie's Girl - written and performed by Rick Springfield - was a perfect song to use for this scene. It was a major hit when it was released and most anyone would recognize it almost immediately for the 80's memories it induces. Jessie's Girl is a song that I would equate to incredibly corny but slightly infections pop cheese, but as popular as it was in its heyday, this scene from Boogie Nights is so iconic that it almost takes the song and makes it its own. If you are a film fan, you will forever associate Jessie's Girl with Boogie Nights, and that is due to this being such a perfectly executed and memorable scene.

In a way, the song is intrusive to the viewer as well as the characters, as this is a moment that unfolds in such a tense way, that the music is only serving to add a few beats to ones heart rate. There is so much going on for the characters sitting on that couch, so much going through their heads, and the cranked up tape cassette and half naked Alfred Molina dancing around just adds to their level of drugged up stress, which conveys amazingly to the viewer. My favorite moment is the shot that just lingers on Eddie Adams' face - you can see in his eyes that his brain is working overtime - as he is assaulted by the loud music, the disruptive snaps of firecrackers, Rahad dancing around the apartment, the nervous thoughts about ripping off this dangerous dude and being completely coked up to top it all off. Truly brilliant and it all comes together to make one of cinemas most intense scenes as well as one of my personal favorites.     

Totally Tubular Trailers: Extra Credit

Only one day after posting a bunch of great trailers, thanks to 24 Frames Per Second, this one falls right into my lap. I normally stockpile trailers then decide which ones I like enough to post, but this trailer gets one all to itself. The film is titled I Saw the Devil and is the newest from South Korean director, Kim Ji-woon, the man behind films such as, A Tale of Two Sisters, The Good, the Bad, The Weird and the fantastic, A Bittersweet Life (a film that made my best of the decade list).

Kim Ji-woon is one of the best directors out of South Korea and one of the best directors working period. He is the one guy that can go toe to toe with Park Chan-wook, and anything he does will be fully anticipated by me. Making that anticipation hit even greater heights is the cast, which consists of two of the biggest and best that film has to offer, Lee Byung hun and Choi Min-sik. With a double dose of talent and presence like those two, the only thing that is missing is Song Kang-ho…but that would possibly result in the Earth imploding.

I Saw the Devil is a revenge tale with Lee Byung-hun's character looking to get retribution for the murder of his girlfriend by the hands of a psychotic serial killer, naturally played by Choi Min-sik. Simple enough story but where the films of Kim Ji-woon shine brightest is in the complexity hidden within simplicity, so this film should have a lot to chew on I would assume. Either way, I am rambling on about this trailer, maybe you should just watch it and see just how fantastic this movie looks for yourself.

Does Your Beard Hang Low?

Oh, hey guys! I just wanted to remind everyone that lives in my computer that the Chuck Norris Ate My Blog Contest is in full swing, so if you were planning on getting down with some Norris action, you have until the end of the week to do so. Well, you can still get down afterwards I suppose, I more or less meant for you to be eligible to win one of many dope ass prize packs. I've already received a decent amount of submissions, so I am super happy for that. If no one were to participate, I would so have cried and thrown a sneaker at my cat's head. I still might if YOU don't get in on the action, so do the right thing and save my pussy from catching a sneaker to the dome piece.