70 Years of Bearded Excellence and Counting…

Happy 70th birthday to the great Chuck Norris from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever

Word on the street has been surprisingly positive for this sequel to Eli Roth's highly misunderstood 2002 film debut. Considering its storied and well-known traumatic history, and the fact that it was a DTV sequel is something that doesn't bode well for any horror movie, but I started to actually want to give this sequel a shot and check it out for myself. Now, I'm not one to let my expectations get the best of me, so I know that is not the problem here, but what anyone sees in this movie is well beyond me.

Picking up almost immediately after the events in the first Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever never actually picks up anywhere. Instead, you are just plopped into the lives of impossibly stereotypical characters, living mundane and even more typical lives. I mean, the main character is a super smart (but not ugly, of course) nerd, who has been in love with his female best friend since they were kids. Only problem is, she is dating the resident dick face, and is blind to the love that said smart and compassionate best friend has for her. Crazy, right?! Now get this, the resident dick face hates the sweet and well-meaning nerd and kicks his ass warning him to stay the fuck away from his girl, but that doesn't stop nerd boy, oh no siree.

Is any of this starting to sound familiar at all? It should, it's the plot to 209,635 other movies, many of which are much better than Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.

It's so cliché and pointless, in fact, this film is the definition of pointless as even the weak and simple plot has no sort of direction whatsoever. Nothing fits right, scenes are so random, aimless, and serve no purpose at all. For example, there is a scene with two "random" characters, one is a cool guy jock, and the other is a loser obese girl. For whatever reason (as in there isn't one), they have a sex scene in a pool and it would seem the only point of this scene is for something gross to happen to them. What happens is she loses a few teeth, the guy overreacts, swims away and she drowns. That's all. No fucking point. Even serving as a catalyst for the gruesome events to come, the scene fails on all points, though, there is not point for it to fail on I guess.

One of the only cool things in Spring Fever was the return of Giuseppe Andrews, but even his character of Winston really has no objective in the film. However, his role in Cabin Fever was somewhat pointless, but it was at least fun, quirky, and worked within the type of film that Cabin Fever was. Here, it feels like it was just forced and shoehorned…trying to capture something that could only be captured once. Still, at least with Winston came the cameo of Mark Borchardt, who surprisingly was much better acting wise than much of the film's cast, all of whom were far from good. Actually, Noah Segan wasn't too bad when he wasn't yelling, but that's really it.

Spring Fever is not funny enough (or at all), it's not gross enough, but it tries so hard to be both of these things. All of the humor falls flat and even though there are a few very gross scenes, there is nothing to be moved by with this one. I was really expecting this movie to be disgusting, and granted there is some nasty shit, there was not really enough to impress me. Seeing as it takes place at a high school and during prom, one would expect a major prom blowout, but instead, all there was was a bunch of hose styled projectile puke blood, then dead. That's it. It should have been the big set piece to display some nasty stuff, but instead they displayed how not to make someone puke. Unless they were trying to be funny, that is. In that case, it wasn't funny at all.

The entire film feels very incomplete and scatterbrained and that carries into some of the technical pieces with its lack of flow and weak editing. Even worse is I do not think I have ever heard a film with worse sound editing than with Cabin Fever 2. There is a scene when two characters are walking down the street having a conversation, but you can barely make out what they're saying. Why? Because the song playing was WAY TOO LOUD, and even worse was the sound of wind flowing through the trees and leaves. I was flabbergasted by just how intrusive the sound of the leaves blowing was and I couldn't wait for the scene to end it was so awful and nerve wracking.

With that said, there area few things that are positive about Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, but not many. I like the way the movie looks with some of the set design and how a few scenes are shot (especially the prom stuff). It definitely has a certain look that could be appealing if put together in a cohesive and competent way. Some of the make-up and gag FX are quite well done and look super impressive. Even though the film lacked in the gross department, there were a handful of awesome little moments, but the two standouts were the head bashing via fire extinguisher and band saw hand removal scene. Actually, the hand removal scene was going pretty damned well, until something so completely ridiculous happened just in time to ruin one of the few good moments in this otherwise shit piss of a film.

There was a golden opportunity to have a fun little body horror film with Cabin Fever 2 – there is the hint of something good buried somewhere in the film, but it's just so disjointed and sloppy. I hardly even tapped into the vastness of what's wrong with this movie (the ending?!! UGHH!), but I'm just tired of even thinking about it anymore. I just really disliked this one and as most of you know, it is a rare thing for me to hate a movie with as much passion as I hate Cabin Fever 2 right now. While so many sling shit at something like Book of Shadows, Spring Fever makes that film look like the fucking Empire Strikes Back. One things for sure, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever is the worst film I have seen in 2010 thus far, which is incredibly disappointing considering how many people have seemed to enjoy it.

2009 Cyber-Horror Awards

Just in time for the Oscars, the 2009 Cyber-Horror Awards is live and direct for your viewing pleasure. I would guess that many of my readers were contributors, but if you aren't aware of the Cyber-Horror Awards, it's essentially the Oscars for horror as voted by much of the online horror community. It was put together by B-Sol from The Vault of Horror and you can stop by his page for a list of all that contributed to the awards if you're curious as to what chuckle heads besides me made these picks. 

So, head over to the 2009 Cyber-Horror Awards and check out the winners as well as the other nominations, and below I've provided what and who I myself chose for the awards. Unfortunately, while I did see most of the movies involved, I didn't see all of them, which makes me a little sad. Also, we were allowed to write in choices if they weren't listed as nominations as long as they were released, or made available on DVD in the States in 2009. This was the case with one film that I wrote in for three of the biggest spots, so let me know what you think of my picks as well as the winners overall.    

My picks for the 2009 Cyber-Horror Awards!

Ray Harryhausen Award for Best Visual Effects

Coraline

Tom Savini Award for Best Makeup

Greg Nicotero, Drag Me to Hell

Bernard Herrmann Award for Best Score

Bruno Coulais, Coraline

Albert S. D'Agostino Award for Best Production Design

Steve Saklad, Drag Me to Hell

Molly Arbuthnot Award for Best Costume Design

Magali Guidasci, Zombieland

Karl Freund Award for Best Cinematography

Peter Deming, Drag Me to Hell

Curt Siodmak Award for Best Screenplay

Michael Dougherty, Trick ‘r Treat

Linnea Quigley Award for Best Supporting Actress

Lorna Raver, Drag Me to Hell

Dwight Frye Award for Best Supporting Actor

Noah Sagan, Deadgirl

Vincent Price Award for Best Actor

Woody Harrelson, Zombieland

Jame Lee Curtis Award for Best Actress

Morjana Alaoui, Martyrs

David Cronenberg Award for Best Director

Pascal Laugier, Martyrs

Val Lewton Award for Best Film

Martyrs

The Horror Hangover

It's Oscar morning and I'm sure at least a few of you will be spending the day gearing up for the events, and letdowns of tonight's big occasion. I know I'll be watching, and more than likely getting pissed about the movies/actors that win while so many great movies/performances are just completely overlooked. It is what it is and as long as Christoph Waltz gets what he deserves, I'll be mostly happy. Okay, that's enough jibber jabber about Hollywood fluff, let's get into what I have for this Sunday's Hangover already…

You might want to buckle up for the first movie today as Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) pulls into SyFy at 11:00. This was on a previous Hangover and I remember thinking that it looked like it could possibly be okay. I did like the first film for what it is and Dead Ahead looks to be more of the same. But what's up with the trucker dude's voice in this one? Sounds like Fred Gwynne in Pet Sematary, but less awesome. 

 

Prepare for mediocrity when Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) shows up on FX at noon. I tried to watch this movie once and couldn't even make it all the way through, which should tell you just about everything you need to know. Maybe this will be something to appreciate in the future, but I doubt it.

 

At 1:00 Shallow Ground (2005) digs it's way onto SyFy. Even though some of the camera tricks used remind me of late 90's Full Moon features (which is not necessarily a bad thing, mind you), this one has a decent score of 5.2 on IMDB. So it might be worth a shot in the sense that it could be decent, but I would guess otherwise.

 

Up next, SyFy has Hostel (2005) at 3:00, followed by Hostel Part II (2007) at 5:00. I enjoyed Hostel quite a bit and like very few, enjoy the sequel even more so and my reasons why will have to come at a more appropriate time. While I personally consider it a solid pick for pick of the week, there really isn't much competition this weekend either, so I'll make this double dose of terror my pick of the week!

 

At 3:30, the mediocrity from earlier comes full circle with Blade: Trinity (2004) on Spike. Another part 3, that is more like a number 2 (that's code word for poop). This is one that I could only watch in small doses, and while it isn't as bad as T3, it's pretty weak in comparison to the first and especially the second film. I would still watch it, though, but only if it was on at the right time and nothing better was available. 

 

That does it for this week…hope you all have a great night and enjoy the Oscars if you're planning on watching them!

T.K. Oh Snap!

I feel like this video is everything that CNAMB strives to be in so many ways.

Baby Babble: Lost the Fight With My Private Parts

For some incredibly awful and soul crushing reason, the other night I accidentally deleted the draft of my review for Fight For Your Life, a draft that was complete and over 950 words. It sucked wicked bad and I'm so irked that it happened that I’m not even going to bother rewriting it. I honestly feel like I lost a part of me with that post and it’s one click disappearance. I use windows live writer, but I clearly need to start saving things to blogger as well as live writer in case something like this happens again. To make things worse, my internet has been sporadically acting wiggity whack (thus, the lack of posts), so I haven't been able  to even get online to look at naked pictures when I want to. Seriously lame.

On a much less lame front, Carl from the wonderful land of I like Horror Movies had a little contest a few months back to thank his readers and supporters. I won and of course I was really happy about this because there is nothing better than free movies (well, except maybe pancakes). The prize pack that I received consisted of an awesome mini-scale replica of the Audrey 2 from Little Shop of Horrors (which sits nicely on one of my DVD  shelves as seen above!) made by Carl himself and two brand spanking new DVD’s! The first is a film from 2001 titled Blood Moon and the second is Paul Bartel's Private Parts, which is the film I reviewed for the March issue of BThroughZ. It's an interesting read for an interesting movie and I want to thank Carl for my discovery of this odd little Exploitation/Horror film.

So, head over to BThroughZ and please check out my review, as well as the other great content found within the newest issue. And if anyone has ever seen Fight For Your Life, please, let me know what you thought of it.  

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Private Parts which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party: In My Mind's Eye Edition!

For this week's edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, I had to travel through time to bring you all this hot little ditty from the past. Fresh off the meat rack, this dope track is going to bring you way back, to a time when shit was far from whack! And that time is 1985, and the song in question is Head Over Heels as featured in 2001's time travel cult classic, Donnie Darko.

Head Over Heels was performed by British pop rock band, Tears for Fears and written by band mates Curt Smith and Jon Cryer lookalike, Roland Orzabal. Originally released in 1985 on the album, Songs from the Big Chair, Head Over Heels was one of many major hits from the band in both their native country, as well as in the States. Anyone in my age range remembers the song and band quite well, but I think the song was slightly forgotten about until this notorious scene rolled across screens in Donnie Darko.

In what is one of my all time favorite scenes, Donnie Darko director Richard Kelly, wrote and choreographed the segment specifically with Head Over Heels in in mind. With only the music playing, the one continuous sequence introduces the vast inhabitants of Donnie Darko's world perfectly. In the span of two and a half minutes, you have a basic character introduction for a dozen or so characters, all executed in a natural and simplistic fashion. In that two and a half minutes, you know who is who, who they are, and how they fit into the world created by Kelly. Brilliant scene and one of the best of the last decade, in my opinion. And the song, well, the song is just fantastic to top things off, and no matter how great the scene is, it is Head Over Heels that really seals the deal.