The Horror Hangover

As if being half in the bag isn’t a good enough excuse to stay in today, it is frackin’ cold out pretty much everywhere, which is all the more reason to stay in, snuggle up right next to me, and let me guide you through the great things that are on television today. Okay, maybe great is stretching it a bit, but at least good…kinda. I have a pretty solid and interesting Horror Hangover to get you through the agony of alcohol poisoning this Sunday afternoon, so wipe the crust from yer eyes…it’s time to begin.

Starting off at 10:00 AM The Skulls (2000) is on AMC. I saw bits and pieces of this movie and it is pretty terrible, but movies like this always seem to keep me entertained in a guilty pleasure type of way. Perfect to watch whilst hanging mad hard, The Skulls is like a Full Moon movie with a budget and a few stars. The Skulls! What a name!

Also at 10:00 SyFy kicks The Skulls in The Balls with Dark Breed (1996). You know, I said that The Skulls would be adequate Hangover material, but after seeing the trailer for Dark Breed, there is only one way to go! I think this may be my pick of the week – you can’t beat 90’s Sci Fi cheese, melted on a warm piece of gore-met bread!

12:00 noon and SyFy is still going strong with Living Hell (2008). I actually have seen this movie available on Netflix instant watch a million times (that’s a lot!), but under the title Organizm. I just shrugged it off, but it does actually look kind of fun in a B-Movie way. It stars that dude that ate cum off his hand in The Doom Generation and also played the killer in the fantastic remake of Prom Night.      

At 2:00, SyFy is continuing to bring the pain with Heatstroke (2008)…and when I say bring the pain, I mean it. This pic from the film should say it all.May the lord bless you SyFy, for you are truly the greatest thing ever created. 

Speaking of the greatest, at 3:00 Death Wish V: The Face of Death (1994) is playing on ION. When I said earlier that Dark Breed may be my pick of the week, I knew that it wasn’t the only one, because I knew that a Death Wish movie was on. I’m so sneaky! Even older than shit, Bronson will knock yo ass out and I love it!

Ending the Hangover with a bang, at 4:00 The Golden Child (1986) is on Comedy Central. I love and have seen The Golden Child a ton of times. It’s Eddie Murphy, when he was funny, in a horror movie - and not just a horror movie, but an occult horror movie! It’s funny, it’s totally ridiculous, and “I want the knife…Pleeeeease!” Is still funny as shit. My sweet brother Numpsay, I love this movie!

That’ll do her for today baby eaters…I hope you found some positive guidance this Sunday and Go Patriots!

CNAMB Presents: The Pre-Top 25 Films of the Decade Thing!

This is going to take forever? I’m asking only because I am just starting this and I plan on doing my top 25 very tight and quick, so not to drag it out for too long. I just don’t want to get all crazy talking about these movies (‘cause it’s gonna be hard not to) as there are 25 of them and to spend too much time on each one is too much time to ask you to spend with me. I know you like to spend time elsewhere (because to miss me is epic), so to keep you all to myself is just selfish.

This is how it’s going to work: I am going to do this in three segments…first, I will do my 25-16, then a few days later 15-6, then to cap it all off with a bang, I will do my top 5 best films of the decade. Or, I’ll just do it all together depending on how it goes. Guess we’ll see when it happens! I’ve been stewing on this post for sometime, just dreading all the work it will take deciding what films should go where, but I also have got to do it so I can share my thoughts on what exactly ruled the decade in films, through my eyes. Tough decisions have to be made! So yeah, be on the look out for that and I think that is all for now…you are dismissed! 

Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party!: He’s A Maniac – Maniac Cop Edition!

Man have I got a beast master of a song for tonight’s Dance Party!! For the first time in a good number of years, I rewatched William Lustig’s Maniac Cop 2 a few weeks back and much to my unknowing rapper’s delight, there was a song at the end of the movie. Sounds normal, right? You expect a song at the end of any movie, but when that song has a poppin’ hip-hop beat laid out to some intricate and dope lyrics about the story and dangers of the Maniac Cop himself, Matt Cordell, well, all just becomes right with the world. There is unfortunately no official music video for this one, but this fan made clip will do just fine - the song is more than good enough on its own. Just listen for yourself.

Can you believe that shit is REAL?! Real fucking awesome! I mean, where do I even begin? How about the Maniac Cop himself throwing his police issued cap into the hip-hop ring with his Miranda rights styled chorus! Or how about some of these crazy lyrics even…” Set him on fire, I shoot him with an uzi, but he’ll show up in your Jacuzzi!” Jacuzzi?! Is this a Maniac Cop that patrols the streets of the Jersey Shore? Better watch out, Snooki! Oh yeah, and the name of the song is get this…Maniac Cop Rap!

I really tried to find out who the”lyricists” were behind this masta-piece, but I had no luck at all. The song as well as the entire Maniac Cop 2 OST is composed by Jay Chattaway who has composed a ton of films and television, including the first Maniac Cop. Is there a chance that Mr. Chattaway was the M.C. behind this classic track? Look at this guy…he has thug Doug written all over him. Maybe he and Ted Turner can team up and create the hottest rap duo since Kid ‘n Play.

“You have the right to remain silent…forever!”

No Need to Put a Bag Over Paracinema’s Head!

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CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

I haven’t done a Monster of the Week in some time - I’ve just been so busy watching Steven Seagal, his Martial Art prowess, his peach colored sunglasses, and his special “Seagal Sense” on Lawman to spend as much time as I should be spending here…with you. Ma bad. So for this week's Monster, I am going with a little something special, a creature that almost harkened back to the creature features of the old days, but did so with a sly sense of humor and a double dash of fun and set in a modern age.

This week’s Monster of the Week goes to…

The Graboid(s)!

These subterranean invertebrate first appeared in the 1990 giant monster movie classic, Tremors and the Graboids were created by that films director Ron Underwood and the writing team of Brent Maddock and S.S. Wilson. Graboids are based off the Mongolian Death Worm and they are incredibly large creatures that are attracted by noise, or better yet, vibrations. They can grow up to about 30 feet at full adult state and have an almost beck like mouth that contains three smaller mouths that extend beyond the Graboids bite and even seem to have a mind of their own. Only weakness that a Graboid has is it cannot pass through solid rock or concrete as it is an underground creature. However, these Graboids are monsters that have brains to go along with their beauty and are able to come up with creative and destructive ways of drawing their pray out for a little snack.

There were a few different versions of these creatures as the series went along, but I only need to focus on the O.G. Graboid as that is where it all started. So sorry, no ass-blasters! The Graboid appeared in four Tremors films altogether and also in a very shirt lived Tremors television series that kinda got the shaft in how it was all handled. Tremors is a fantastic little horror/comedy that mixed in classic B-Movie sensibilities, with a fistful of black comedy, an original creature, and it worked to…Perfection.

WHAT!?!?!?! Still, Nothing for That Purdy Smile of Mine?

Well, it would appear that love certainly is in the air and the awards and memes are going around faster than H1N1 at an airport. Now, just one post ago – you know, the one right below this one, I was given and gave out so many awards that my ass started to swell from shaking it so much in celebration.

A lot of people that I have awarded this time and in times past have awarded me once again and I thank them for that so dearly, but I don’t think I could do a follow up post for each one because that would take FOREVER! Or at least a few hours, either way, long enough and I already did my post for those awards, so I’m covered.

I did get a new one, however and it’s a pretty dope one to be exact and one I do not already have and the requirements are much easier this time around. The award – the Zombie Chicken Award and it is described as it says in the following…

The blogger who receives this award believes in the Tao of the zombie chicken – excellence, grace and persistence in all situations, even in the midst of a zombie apocalypse. These amazing bloggers regularly produce content so remarkable that their readers would brave a raving pack of zombie chickens just to be able to read their inspiring words.

Cah-razy! This award of excellence was given to me by a man often known as the sexiest man in all of blogging – outside of me, of course and that man is B-Sol, or Brian (if we’re not going by our Hip-Hop names!) of The Vault of Horror. Brain has been a great friend of CNAMB and his support is appreciated more than he will ever know…so thank you Brain.

Now, on to five blogs that are great! As I said in the last post, I do not want to list any blogs that I have given awards to in the past. Since I read so many deserving blogs, I would rather spread the love to all of them – the only tough part is picking which ones and making sure I haven't mentioned them in the past. So my five picks for the Zombie Chicken Award goes to…(Zombie Chicken Drumstick role?)

In Nervous Convulsion Great newer blog by my good friend, Heaven’s Trash.

Movie Feast Which has a few authors, but Doug Tilley is the main beast of this great blog.

Fascination With Fear I am fascinated by Chris Hadden’s fascinatingly awesome blog!

The Gore Gore Girl XXX through a feminist lens Sleazy! And I love it, Gore-Gore Girl brings the nekkid movies to dizzying heights in this super fun blog.

Zombots! The Dive Mistress breaks it down with an awry of horror subject matter in this final and amazing blog pick!

There you go…awards for even more award worthy blogs. Thanks to all that have been supporting CNAMB and thanks to B-Sol for doing his thing and for loving me in a way that doesn’t make me feel uncomfortable.

What? No Award for Prettiest Smile?!

The ugly brown looking blog you are reading right now has been given an award from our very good friend Geof of Enter the Man Cave. It is the Kreativ Blogger award for Kreativity (so hip-hop sounding!) and CNAMB is proud to have been loved by the one that wants us all to Enter his Man Cave! As you may know, there are a few rules that apply whenever an award like this goes around…

1. Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
2. Copy the logo and place it on your blog (it’s already on the left side!).
3. Link to the person who nominated you for this award.
4. Name 7 things about yourself that people might find interesting.
5. Nominate 7 Kreativ Bloggers.
6. Post links to the 7 blogs you nominate.
7. Leave a comment on each of the blogs letting them know they have been nominated

So first I would like to thank Geof for this honor and for being a supporter and friend of CNAMB since nearly the beginning. I also would like to thank him for putting together such a fine blog himself and Enter the Man Cave is a Man Cave more than worth Entering. Thanks Geof!

And here is my seven interesting things about me:

1. I was once on the cover of an Isaac Asimov’s Science Fiction magazine for a story that was up for a couple of awards.

2. I don’t watch a lot of network TV, but when I do get into a show, it’s usually on DVD or On-Demand. I have gone through seasons in one sitting and I most recently stayed up till 7am watching the last 6 episodes of Lost. Dork? Yup.

3. While I thought it was the stupidest show when it was originally airing on TV, I succumbed to Dawson’s Creek and would watch numerous episodes in the early mornings and late nights when back-to-back-to-back episodes would air.

4. I love string cheese and eat at least two a day…usually after I eat a meal.

5. I met Dave Chappelle and hung out with him for more than five minutes.

6. I was playing with fire when I was younger and set the trash in the basement on fire, almost burning down the entire house.

7. I made out with your mom at a disco party once…she kisses really well.

Now for my seven Kreativ blogs…I did this a couple times last year and named quite a few blogs back then(which you can see here, here, and here), so I am not going to repeat any of those blogs here. I read A LOT of blogs – so many that I cannot even comment on half of them, so this is going to be a tough choice and know that if your blog is not mentioned, it is not because I do not love you. It’s because you wont sleep with me.

1. Planet of Terror Complaint Dept and my boy, Cortez the Killer rock the dope reviews and even make it a point to spotlight and support great Independent horror cinema – even doing interviews with the filmmakers behind them. Also, Cortez’s taste in trashy horror is to die for!

2. The Horror Digest Andre (short for Andrea) is witty, consistent, and always brings a fresh take on the movies she covers. Her humor is some of the best in the blogging business, she is incredibly snarky (maybe even more so than me), she pulls no punches and that is what I love about her!

3. Midnight Confessions Movie Reviews What can I say about the Reverend Phantom? Man, does this guy do an amazing job with what may be the most difficult of review techniques…the video review. He’s very funny, covers a ton of great trash and has a style all his own. His video reviews are superbly put together and must take so much time to produce, but I’m happy he does, ‘cause I love them.

4. Italian Film Review Nigel posts numerous reviews about the wonderful world of Italian cinema…covering all the Exploitation, Spaghetti Westerns and Euro Crime goodness (and everything in-between) that can be found in the land of mozzarella! Best part about his reviews, besides his knowledge of the movies themselves, is they are very short and you can blast through them quick and get exactly what he thinks about the film.

5. The Jaded Viewer Jeff, better known for being Jaded, is another hard worker always putting out interesting and great reviews with a nice set up with how he structures them. I love that he rates all of his films in Van Damme Kumite spin kicks and he is just a great guy to interact with and brings a lot of fun to his posts every time.

6. All Things Horror Mike Snoonian and Chris Hallock will Double Impact your brain like Jean Claude with their amazing blog. They cover all things horror as the title would suggest and that includes book and movie reviews, blog spotlights, and even special effects tips! The mostest awesome thing about them, they do special horror events at the Somerville Theater in Massachusetts, where they show horror films from independent filmmakers. That’s what it’s all about!

7. Musings Across A Continuum Ms Harker does it all, from news, books and movie reviews, to just plain old banter. She has a fun – quirky and very insightful way about every subject she tackles and it is always a great joy to stop by this blog, which might be the best looking one around, just for the record!

Enjoy your much deserved award guys!

And Moving on…

Now, not only did I get Kreativ recently, but I also got tagged by Carl of I Like Horror Movies fame with a Meme. The rules of this one are similar, but a little less than that of the award for best tush. I mean for Kreativ blogging. First, I must share the three best things that happened to me this past decade and then name five blogs (but I’m doing six) to keep the Meme going if they so choose to participate.

First, I’ll thank Carl for showing me some love, as he too has been a great friend of CNAMB since almost the beginning and he also puts out one of the best blogs around! Thank you so much, sweet checks!

Here are the three best things that happened to me this past decade in as few words as possible (‘cause I’m getting tired):

1. Number one is meeting my girlfriend, or fiancé if you don’t believe in freedom. This is as easy as it gets for a decade highlight…together for nearly a decade ourselves, she is da bomb and I love her. And if I didn’t pick her, she would get mad. Wokka-wooka!

2. Netflix instant watch. Need I say more?

3. And one that I should mention as best thing of the decade for me, I won’t, because it will come up soon enough in something else I wrote. Instead, I will say that when my lady and I were in a wedding contest a few years back is a great moment for me in the last ten.

We had something like 2,200 votes and lost to some ugly, loser couple that had 2,500 votes and then broke up after they won ‘cause the girl was apparently a slut! Sounds kinda shitty, I know and why would this be a great moment in the last ten years? Because we had TWOTHOUSANDTWOHUNDRED (something) VOTES! Friends and family and friends of friends and family of friends and friends of family came together and gave us so much support, that it was just fantastic.

You know way too much about me…

Okay, now on to six MORE blogs that give me a stiff one, because I love them so…

1. Heart in a Jar Senski puts out a wonderful and intelligent blog with a very wide variety of horror related subject matter with each and every post. This is a must read and his Siskel & Ebert & Slashers post is one hell of a great read!

2. Love Train for the Tenebrous Empire Is as the title would suggest, a dark and delightful blog brought to us by the wonderful Tenebrous Kate. She covers all sorts of great foreign horror films and in the same humorous breath, she will review the sleaziest of the sleazy, and I love me some sleaze!

3. GoreGoreDancer’s Movie Reviews Aleata covers horror a plenty, but she is also into doing her own horror movies and even better, she posts some of the short films she made on her blog. She puts herself out there and isn’t afraid to do her own thing and it shows in her topics and writing.

4. Cavalcade of Perversions The title says it all and Jenn has a sassy style all her own when it comes to covering sleaze and cheese – or talking about her cats even! She dives head first into the dumpster and finds some great films that might be just plain awful, but there is a diamond in the rough from time-to-time and that is something I appreciate greatly.

5. The WGON Helicopter This is a newer blog I discovered and as with every blog mentioned here, Dod puts out a quality blog that covers many things that horror has to offer shuffled into the great reviews he does. He even did a great post on the music of Nick Cave and spotlighted a few of his favorite songs from the artist. Great stuff!

6. Zombies Don’t Run Chuck don’t fuck around and has been smashing out numerous posts covering all different topics in the world of a horror fan. Great reviews and a lot of fun nostalgic posts keep me coming back every day to see what’s new!

In all seriousness, go to my blog roll for honorable mentions – all blogs on there are nothing short of great.

Thanks for reading all this crap about me and thanks to Geof and Carl for being so purdy. I hope everyone checks out their blogs and the other blogs I listed – I wouldn’t list them if they weren’t great, or if their authors didn’t earn it in other ways, if ya know what I mean!