The Horror Hangover

This weeks Horror Hangover is brought to you by corn apparently, and you shouldn't have too much trouble figuring out why soon enough.

SyFy steps up to the horror plate once again with Children of the Corn IV: The Gathering (1996) at 11:00 AM. This fourth film in the Corn series stars Karen Black and a pre-famous Naomi Watts...so that could prove interesting. I haven't watched any Corn movie after the original, which I can barely remember to be honest...but at least Black and Watts have something to bring to the table. Hopefully it's turkey to go with that corn! AHHHH!



At noontime, and keeping with the celebration that is known as Chucktober, Return to Halloweentown (2006) will be on the Disney channel. It's the fourth film in the popular Halloweentown series and has something to do with teens going to witch college? I'm not asking you which college, I'm telling you that they're going to witch college silly head! Cause I am a super Halloween dork, I will put stuff like Halloweentown on and watch it for a little bit...that is, until Lady Suzaka decides to call me a little girl. She's a hater.



The Corn keeps-a-coming at 1:00 PM when Children of the Corn V: Fields of Terror (1998) shows on...you guessed it, SyFy! This one has a very interesting cast with a pre-female Alexis Arquette, Kane Hodder, one of those douchbag Zappa kids, Fred "The Hammer" Williamson, the yummy Eva Mendes, and the late great David Carradine! That cast is enough alone to generate a little interest in the movie...a little. I'm sure there's some undigested Corn in there too.



More Halloween spooky fun comes to us from the Travel Channel at 2:00 PM with, Mysterious Journeys: The Ghosts of Gettysburg! Gettysburg, PA is known to be one of the most haunted locations in all of America, and nothing says Halloween quite like some real life apparitions and specters!

If you'’re too skerred for real ghosts, then you can just keep on enjoying the Corniest marathon in SyFy history! Children of the Corn 666: Isaac's Return (1999) - returns at 3:00 PM and promises more scares that you could've ever expected to have on a Sunday afternoon spent on your couch holding back vomit! Besides being the number of the beast, this sixth installment marks the return of that creepy as shit John Franklin, who played Isaac in the original Children of the Corn...I know you wanna watch now, how can you miss the return of Isaac?!



My pick for this fine and frightening Sunday afternoon goes not to a movie, but instead, I'm taking you back to the Travel Channel for another episode of Mysterious Journeys: The Witches of Salem at 3:00 PM! The true accounts of the 1692 Salem, Mass. witch trials should be more than fulfilling for your Halloween horror needs, and what better way to spend an afternoon, than with a bunch of witches?! Hold on, I may have an answer to that...

You could turn that afternoon into a dinner date with Children of the Corn: Revelation (2001) at 5:00 on...uhm, SyFy! I wouldn't normally go this late into the day as it is past the hangover window, but how can I leave out the seventh installment of this frighteningly husky series, that is guaranteed to leave your ears deaf from all the screaming! Michael Ironside is in it, and Michael Ironside is awesome, so that may be enough to give this one a whirl. Or not.



Have a great afternoon, drunkards! And non-drunkards, of course!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Scary German Guy is Bitchin' Edition!

Hey there. I don't believe I've seen you around the club before, now have I? If I had, we would already be friends, cause that's...how I role. Since you haven't been to the hottest club in a three-mile radius of a Circle K, I should give you a tour, along with a history of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! Christopher Columbus discovered the club in 1492, when he was looking to find a place to kick ass on the dance floor, and pull a couple of broads at the same time. In 1568, Malcolm X decided that the dopest club of all time needed to be brought to a whole new - and dope level...so he invented drum and bass to get the beats a bumpin' and the peoples a jumpin'. In 1752, Joe Namath introduced Ecstasy and the worm to the scene. And finally, in 2009, dj Skele-tone and yours truly opened up a trunk of funk, and continue to bust rhymes and beats, just to loosen them feets. And what better way to keep those feets a movin' then to do so than with Michael Sembello's, Rock Until You Drop?! Hit it, Skele-tone!

We're gonna dance until our hearts stop!! YEAOOOOWA!

Great, Phoebe the phoeb is at the door wanting to get in the club...what does she know about monsters, and hip-hop dancing?


In 1987, Michael Sembello, Dick Rudolph, and Danny Sembello wrote Rock Until You Drop for the greatest kid's horror movie of all time, The Monster Squad. Performed by Michael Sembello, Rock Until You Drop, drops the rock to the point that you just cannot stop. And boy I know I just cannot stop, can you? No video for this one, but who really needs it when you get the best of the best in terms of movie montages! You got poorly cut business cards, Frankenstein in drag, and fat kid being...fat.

Enough of that, I just wanna see that photo of the hot "virgin" neighbor! Someone send her a free pass to the club, or better yet, a free pass to my suite! Then I can show her my Frankenstein’s monster! YAAOWAZAA!! Hopefully she doesn't kick me in the nards!

Give Me Something Good to Eat

What seems like a millennium has passed since the first trailer for Trick 'r Treat, and now all of the anticipation has finally halted to a complete stop with the movie finally sitting comfortably in the disc tray of my DVD player. It came out sometime last week, so by now, everyone, including your mom, has written a review for Michael Dougherty's Halloween themed horror film. I won't go all crazy here with details, as I am sure most horror fans have had their fill of reviews for this movie and already know what needs to be known outside of personal opinion.

However, this is a film that had some major expectations to meet, and it is a film that seems to have divided many a horror fan...maybe not so much divided, as it is more a film that is not overwhelmingly loved by everyone, nor disliked either. I have completely avoided reviews for the sake of keeping my brain free of spoilers, but I do know that people either like, dislike, or are just kind of underwhelmed, by Trick 'r Treat.

For me personally, I really liked it, but I can see why some would not. Trick 'r Treat is a horror movie that even outside of unfair expectations, is geared towards a certain kind of horror fan...better yet, a certain kind of person. That horror fan, that person...is me. It is literally, as if someone opened up my cranium, stirred around the tiny little portion of brain fragments, and dumped out everything I love about the Halloween aesthetic. Every ounce of Trick 'r Treat hits on my love for every little intricate detail that comes along with All Hallows' Eve, from the atmosphere to the costumes, to the locations and right on down to the story.

Trick 'r Treat is an anthology film, but is not told in a direct "this is this story, and this is that story" kind of way, it is more of a Pulp Fiction narrative where characters intertwine and may make decisions that can affect other characters. While the stories are far from original, each one calls back to a different era for me, it is nostalgic in a way - first of all, it is an anthology, something that is not quite as prevalent in movies now, as they were when I was a little gangsta. So that alone pulls on my young little heart strings right there and may cause me to have my nostalgic blinders on firmly.

But it's more than just the anthology thing that gets me all giddy inside...in fact, if I could describe the inner makings of Trick 'r Treat in terms that are as simplistic as possible, which in turn, would explain what I like so much about the movie, it would be:

The Trick 'r Treat
Fill a 20 oz Gibraltar glass with ice so it is just over the top
Add 1 oz of Amazing Stories
2 oz of Tales from the Crypt
6 oz of Creepshow
Add a splash of baby blood (or you will catch a roundhouse)
Shake for 7 seconds
Garnish with a cherry and E.C. Comics orange flag
Straw, and serve

Those are ingredients that I love, the ingredients that along with the Halloween aspect - may even cause me to turn a blind eye to some of the issues that the movie does have. And it does have some issues, as I said, the stories are completely unoriginal, and all are things I have read in Creepy or Eerie magazine, or seen in movies and TV shows like Tales From the Darkside/Crypt, and Creepshow. Still, I love those moral tales of terror where someone is punished for their wrongdoings or their mistreatment of others...so even if I can call exactly what is going to happen before it happens, I still get a kick out of it. You could maybe pass it off as classic storytelling, myths and legends are the makings of these stories found within Trick 'r Treat and you aren't always getting a side of original with you order of classic as you may know.

If you think you would enjoy The Trick 'r Treat concoction I made for you, you may enjoy the movie as I did. If you enjoy the holiday of Halloween as I do, once again, you may enjoy the movie as I did. If not, then you may not enjoy the movie, but I don't know, cause I'm not you, now am I? If I was you, how could I hug and hold you dearly? I could get all into the characters, and be more specific with plots, breakdown what I liked about the film technically, and blah, fucking blah. What it all comes down to, and if this makes sense, Trick 'r Treat is not a perfect film, but in many ways, it's a perfect film for me.

Got a Little Captain in You?

Well, that post title is kinda creepy sounding if you think about it, so don't. Captain Lou Albano died this morning at age 76 and my buddy posted this photo over on his Face book page, so I thought it would be cool to share it with the baby eaters of the world. It was taken at the NJ Chiller Theater Expo in January of 2006. Apparently, I was going through my thumbs up in photos phase...so glad I got over that! I was a pretty big fan of WWF wrestling when Captain Lou was doing his thing, plus, being in my early 30's, I love The Goonies and he was most famous for being in the "Good Enough" video too. So, it was cool seeing this photo again after not seeing it since it was probably taken, but a bummer that it resurfaced for a not so great reason. RIP Captain Lou.

There's Nothing to Clean, Dude

Director Adam Green posted his 11th annual Halloween short film and I found it to be quite entertaining, so I thought you might too.

Automaton Tran"snooze"ion

Shot in 9 days on a $30,000 budget and released by Dimension Extreme...sounds like a recipe for a horror movie that I would certainly enjoy. Or maybe not. Automaton Transfusion is a 2006 Zombie film written and directed by Steven C. Miller, and for some odd reason got a little positive buzz from the likes of Fango (having the film in their top 10 of '06!), and Bloody Disgusting. I'm not sure what the reviewers were thinking when watching this film, maybe they were thinking that the movie is good, when compared to diarrhea. I still disagree.

When you make a film in 9 days for 30k, I am looking for something creative and smart, even with their limited means. I'm looking for passion, passion that drives a filmmaker, or group of filmmakers to put out the best product they can with everything going against them. I'm also looking for some type of entertainment in the movie, whether it be of a serious nature, or even if it's straight camp, I want to have a sense of fun. I love low budget horror films and I even cut them a lot of slack knowing that they have immense challenges to face with things like no money and time. However Automechanic Transporter is a failure on many levels that budget and time do not seem to make a factor in. It's poor story is not even worth going over as it is completely pointless and similar to so many Zombie films, Zombie films that are much, much better in other areas, therefore, making up for their uncreative story. I'll give you the quickie...and I will include spoilers too, so be warned my child

Teenagers are in high school, some of them go to this lame concert while a bunch of other kids go to some party or a dance at the school. Blah blah blah...Zombies attack the cool concert kids and they try to survive the attack...and also attempt to make it back to the high school to help out any possible survivors. How noble. There is a reason for all this "Zany Zombie Madness," and it has to do with government testing done during 'Nam, where the government tried to create Zombie soldiers to fight on the battlefields, therefore preserving human lives. Blah blah blah again...guess what? The Zombies got out of control, and started craving human flesh! Good thing they did, or else we wouldn't have Automaton Transfusion now would we?!

Big issue with the poor story is, the story is poor!? Okay, the plot is unoriginal, but that can sometimes be okay when you have a well-written script with good dialogue and things actually make sense. In Automatic Transmission, the first Zombie attack on the high school kids happens and then almost the entire town is infected without the main characters knowledge that anything is going on. There was no bridging the gaps, or connecting scene showing how it could have spread from one person to another. I know there were a budget and time concerns, but this could have been done very easily with a quick scene, or a shot even, of a Zombie walking into a crowd of students or something along those lines. Also, outside of the main couple of characters, any supporting characters are lost in translation and serve to be nothing more than people for me to ask myself..."who the fuck is that again?" Time and distance are not of human proportions either...the main group of guys go to a concert an hour away from home, then from the city where the concert is located, it is a half mile to the high school? Or maybe that was explained when I was sleeping...

That's the worst thing ever by the way...a movie that is a scant 75 minutes long, and I am still so bored that I almost feel asleep twice. Automatinence Transatlantic was so boring that I completely lost all interest by the films half way point and just didn't care anymore. If the movie changed pace and got all badass in the second half, or even the last 10 or so minutes, I would have at least gotten something out of it. It never does though - the movie remains boring throughout...biggest offense for a movie in my book. An even bigger offense...in complete spoiler territory, but warranted for ending on a "To Be Continued" note! Really? To be continued from 2006 to 2010 when Automaton Transfusion: Contingency is set to come out?! Talk about a cliff hanger!
Maybe the biggest problem is something that was apparently a "stylistic" choice in Automatic Coffeemaker. It's shot on digital, but it looks incredibly awful - like worse that many lower budgeted films I have seen. It would seem that they tried to use a style in the vein of Danny Boyle's 28 Days Later with the DV looking documentary type shaky-cam. That was Danny Boyle; he is an amazing filmmaker and can pull of such a look and style with his masterful film making skill. This is a $30,000 dollar movie from a first time director. It is very hard to make out any of the action in the film at all, and the entire time it looks like the movie is missing every other frame as it jerks around and looks all blurry. Terrible decision.

"Every generation has a horror film that defines its culture" claims the trailer for Automated Transponder. If your culture is hardcore music, then maybe. I've always been kind of a fan of hardcore music, so I can dig some of the music in the film, but it doesn't fit most of the time and feels like it is put in because it's music that the filmmakers like, not music that fits in with any scene in particular. It is very distracting to say the least...especially when they mix in that hybrid hardcore/emo crap where the vocalist sings all pretty - then screams in retaliation to his previous pussy singing. Really annoying. It's as if they think that what they are into is they way of life that will overcome all ways of life with such an obnoxious blanket statement about culture. I feel like Automaton Transfusion is an excuse to make a movie so they can have friends wearing cool band shirts and play their favorite music instead of focusing on story and film making. "This is our movie, for our generation!" Eat me.

Along with that lack of focus, comes the over focus of being all to horror movie hip. There is an eye gouge scene (that is well done) that is clearly inspired by Fulci, there is also a scene where the kids gear up for battle, ala, "tool shed" from Evil Dead II. They even go as far to have a character pick up a chainsaw and mutter the line "Ash would be proud!" No, he wouldn't. This is something that can be fun in a movie occasionally, but those homage’s in particular are way over done and are not so cute and fun anymore.

There were a few okay things about Automobile Traction, the acting wasn't too bad for a an independent/no-budge. horror movie, and while the dialogue wasn't very good, there were a few fun lines. One being when a character punches a Zombie in the head and knocks him out, he then calls the Zombie an asshole. It's funny to me at least. Rick Gonzalez does the make up which was a major stand out in this otherwise pile of crap movie. One scene, a girl gets her jaw ripped clean off her face. It looks great and very realistic...and it's a complete waste of an awesome gag - I think it should be inserted into Dance of the Dead or something that is actually decent. The only other cool thing that happened was when a pregnant girl gets her baby pulled right from out of her belly by a Zombie, who then, in true Chuck Norris fashion, takes a few bites out of it - the mom replies with "Oh my god...my baby!" How about your stomach?! Outside of those scenes and a few others, the blood and grue are wasted due to the Parkinson's style of camera work.

One other stand out in a movie that is shot in 9 days is the multiple locations and how good they all look. They did a smart job filming this movie so quickly in so many different places, and I applaud that time management aspect. However, maybe more time could have been spent on a more personal movie with time spent to develop a better plot and story instead of cramming in all of this epic Zombie Apocalypse stuff. I still have to give it props either way as it is impressive, but it doesn't help the movie for me at all.

So, Automaton Transpooper is a complete waste of time, and I can't even suggest it to hardcore fans of Zombie films and low budget horror movies. There's potential, sure, but it is wasted on the wrong things. Filmmakers that are too concerned with the music and trying play hip and cool, instead of focusing on a decent story and originality. I have no desire to ever see this movie again, however, I do have the slightest of interest in the sequel just to see if anything was learned form the downfalls of the first film. I will add one more thing before I go, and it is positive. If you are a budding Independent filmmaker, Automatic Carwash does have a decent behind the scenes doc and commentary that will prove to be a helpful tool for those looking to learn a little somethin'-somethin'. Though, you have to skip over the two music videos that are included on the disc...

The Horror Hangover

First of all, I want to sincerely thank everyone for all the great feedback and kind words on the first edition of The Horror Hangover! You all might not have as many kind things to say after this Sunday afternoons slate of films that I have lined up for you...but I didn't have much to choose from either. Plus, you're hung-over, so you'll probably nap through half of the movies if you decide to watch any of them anyways. You would think that with Halloween creepin' and crawlin' closer by the day, there would be more decent horror films on Sunday at noontime, but that really isn't the case. So please, bear with me here.

First up at 11:00 AM we have BloodRayne II: Deliverance (2007) on Sy Fy. Directed by Uwe "I completely appreciate him" Boll, BloodRayne II takes the popular Vampire franchise (HA HA!) and plops it dead smack in the middle of the 1880's Wild West, where Rayne has to stop the vampire version of Billy the Kid (HA HA HA!) and his undead posse of vampire cowboys! I personally have learned to love and enjoy the work of cinema master, Uwe Boll, but most people hate his movies and him. If Boll's movies aren't your bag, then you may still find some fun in this one since it is on at 11:00 AM and you are probably still a little drunk from the night before. Oh, and Natassia Malthe is pretty hot too...if that's your thing.



At 12:00 PM you can double your pleasure with Twitches Too (2007) on The Disney channel! No, it's not about crack or meth addicts, but it does star Tamera and Tia Mowry, who are best known for their genre film work in the classic horror television series, Sister, Sister. I didn't bother to look up the details about the plot of Twitches Too, but I do know that you will need a double take to take in all the double trouble these two teen witch's have in store for you! Betcha that BloodRayne II ain't looking so bad now, huh?



1:00 PM brings us yet another Vampire movie with Rise: Blood Hunter (2007) palying on (thank the heavens for) Sy Fy. Rise stars the delectable Lucy Liu and Vic Mackey himself, Michael Chiklis - who puts in a performance worthy of a deli it's so hammy! I will go with Rise: Blood Hunter as your best bet for this Sundays Horror Hangover - I actually think this film is not too bad, and not that you would or should, but if expectations are in line and not too high, you will find some enjoyment out of this little Vampire film. Lucy Liu is great and there is nothing hotter than O-Ren Ishii with a set of fangs and covered in blood, well, outside of Chiklis doing his best Chiklis imitation that is.



And just before it's time for you to finally role off the couch, Prom Night (2008) is on ENC at 2:40 PM. You know all about the Prom Night remake, I did a write up for it myself over at Paracinema a few months ago, and while it inspired some good thought, it does so for the wrong reasons. The movie is pretty shit ball, but if you were up late last night doing more than drinkin' alcohol and you still just can't get up and off the couch by this time, then I guess you could watch Prom Night. Here is my question though, I have no idea what this ENC channel is...I looked it up, but it was a pain in the dick trying to find anything out about it. I think it's an Encyclopedia Channel or something? I don't know - maybe no one has ENC and therefore no one will have to be subjected to the poopieness of Prom Night "08!


Well, hopefully next Sunday will bring a little more in the quality dept. as by then we will be knee deep in Chucktober (!), but there are at least a couple of things to check out while wasting away the day this fine Sunday afternoon. Make sure to drink plenty of water!