Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Low-Carb Edition!

Sup playas, and playarettes!! You must be new to this club, so let me give you the tour. Right there - that's where you can dance, right over there - that's another place you can dance, and over here, on my lap - well, take a guess. What'd you expect; this is Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party after all!! HOLLA!! You guys carrying anything? No?! Well, here, take these pills, they're on the house. We wanna make sure everyone has a good time!! If you start to feel a little dizzy, let me know, you can lay down in the bed up in my private suite, while I play with your sweet privates! YEAH BOYEE! Now, I hope you guys brought your D-game with you…what's D-game you ask? Well, that's your Dance Game, cause tonight, dj Skele-tone has the fattest tracks on the block! And when I say fat, I mean F-A-T, because finally, Skele-tone has brought with him - his copy of Are you ready for Freddy? as done by the infamous 80's hip-hop group, The Fat Boys! This should be one hell of a dance party, where the tunes are fat, but the ladies are mad skinny from all the blow they do! Now get out there kid, burn some calories dancing, and make sure you look good doing it!

Oh great...is that Gary Busey preaching about the lord and sobriety again? Better get security.



First of all, I thought horizontal stripes would be a no-no for a heavyset person, and vertical was the way, but whatever…I'm not here to judge. The Fat Boys consisted of Mark Morales aka "Prince Markie Dee" - Damon Wimbley aka "Kool Rock-Ski" - and The Human Beat Box himself, Darren Robinson aka "Buff Love." Buff Love might be the greatest name in Hip-Hop history...the name says it all! Are You Ready For Freddy? was written for 1988's A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, and also appeared on 1997’s best of album - All Meat: No Filler. Even though I love Dream Warriors, I always liked this one just a little bit more. It's such a fun video and song, and how great is it that Freddy raps? And to top it off, his skills are garbage! Not that I don't appreciate lyrics like..."You see my name is Freddy - and I'm here to say - I'll wrap you up - and take you away! And if you feel like your tired - and ready for bed - Don't fall asleep - or you'll wake up dead!" Watch out now, he's like the next Ja Rule, but instead, he could be Claw Rule! Also, while it's a little embarrassing to admit, I always liked the songs chorus as sung by whoever the girl is, I mean, there isn't a female in The Fat Boys - so I like to think she's a ghost! "Watch out - or Freddy - will bust your heart!" Right on sister!

Hope you guys enjoyed this evenings Dance Party! I know I did, and I know, that you know, that I know, that you know, that I want you. To keep on dancin'!!!! Yo Skele-tone! Bring that beat back, son!! This party ain't over yet - or at least not until I can get one of these ladies drunk enough to come up to the suite with me. I wonder if that ghost chick can get wasted or not?

Yeee Haw!!

When pitted against numerous foes while out on the streets with my fellow gang buddies, I try to pick the seemingly easiest person to take down. When I run into an Asian girl and a Black guy in a wheelchair, the answer is made for me instantly. I mean, more than likely, the Asian girl knows karate, plus she’s wearing all black, not a good sign either. And the black guy in a wheelchair…well, he's a guy in a wheelchair. I can take this fucker! The only real advantage he may have is, he is right at ball height, but with balls as tiny as mine, he would more than likely miss if he were to strike at them.

As the Asian female comes rollin' up, it is clear that I made the right decision. This bombshell is bashing my banger boys left and right with spin kicks and super queefs, and I think I even saw her fling a tampon at one of my boy’s temples. I'm gonna look like the man when I tip this dude in the wheelchair right over and onto the ground. He'll be all stuck on his back like a beetle, flailing his arms and legs…err flailing his arms as he attempts to get back up and into his comfortable seat. "I have no legs!" More like you have no excuse anymore son, we is gonna throw down!


Oh great, I'm getting my ass kicked by a dude in a wheelchair. He's so quick and his arm reach is so long! And how the hell does he scamper around like that without any stems to support him? And I can't help but wonder - does he have a dick?! So distracting! Figures I would pick a fourth degree Kendo master to brawl with. I'm so going to look like such a wuss when my boys look over here and see me being tossed around by a dude with no legs. I can hear it now "What, did he run over your foot with one of his wheels?" "Who's gonna kick your ass next, Ray Charles?! Bwahahaa!" Handicapped my ass.

Man, this isn’t my day, thanks a lot, Henry Smalls. Unlike Biggie, you are not the illest.

Inglourious Boners!

I wont even bother hiding my thoughts about Inglourious Basterds before I send you over to Paracinema to read my review. There is no way for me to even get into all of the things that I enjoyed about Tarantino's latest effort in just one blog post, but I narrowed it down to the best of my abilities. It's nice to see Tarantino rule the box office once again, as I feel without him, we as fans of obscure and odd films would have a lot less access to many of the movies that he has brought to light over his career.

If not for Hollywood’s most hyperactive director, I would bet that I would have never seen films like Yuen Woo-ping's Iron Monkey (one of my favorite martial Arts films), or Lucio Fulci's The Beyond in theaters. Let alone own a The Beyond collectible eyeball that I received for being one of the first five people to buy a ticket! Even knowing and loving the films of Sonny Chiba for what seems like forever, I almost forget that my reason for that discovery is due to Clarence Worley enjoying a triple feature of Sonny Chiba films on his birthday in the Tarantino written, True Romance. Even his now defunct Rolling Thunder label put out some awesome releases, namely Jack Hill's Switchblade Sisters amongst other lesser known to the masses titles.

Tarantino's presence in Hollywood, whether you like it or not, is a great for fans of cult cinema while making it easier for a ton of little known gems to be released and for us to discover. Even with him just mentioning that his Elle Driver character's look is inspired by Christina Lindberg's character, Madeleine from the rape revenge film Thriller: A Cruel Picture (aka They Call Her One Eye), brought immediate attention to the film, and resulted in not one, but two different releases of the movie. I could keep going here, but you get the drift.

Normally I would post the trailer for the film that I am covering at Paracinema, but I will take a wild guess that all of you have already seen that trailer numerous times. Instead, I will put up some trailers for the films mentioned in this post. Hope you folks enjoyed your stay here at the Chuck Norris Inn. A complimentary Baby breakfast will be served starting at 6:30 AM for those of you staying with us for the evening.

Inglourious Basterds Paracinema...The Blog!

The Beyond


Switchblade Sisters


Iron Monkey


Thriller: A Cruel Picture


And of course, The Inglorious Bastards

Totally Tubular Trailers!

Once again, I am back with the tubular trailer attack! Got a nice mixture of films to look forward to with these very cool trailers that I have found to be interesting enough to share with all of you sassy little sex pots.

First up, is the trailer for Accident, a Hong Kong film directed by Soi Cheang and produced by one of the best filmmakers of our generation, Johnnie To. Accident is the story of a "The Brain," a professional hit man who uses well planned - on purpose, but seemingly accidental methods to relieve his victims of their lives. With the memory of his wife's "accidental" passing, The Brain becomes convinced that his wife was intentionally murdered in the same manner that he himself uses to dispose of his own victims. The Brain's suspicion quickly turns to paranoia as he begins to think that he too is a target after he is attacked by a so called insurance agent, Fong who just so happens to have been at the scene of the Brains wife's accidental death. Great premise and the idea of intricate and well thought out accidents used to take hits out on people should lead to some very interesting deaths. I will say this: Maybe you should know better than to park next to a fire hydrant...if you didn't, then you do now. Accident is slated to make its Hong Kong debut on September 17th.

Next up, is the trailer for Kamui Gaiden.

Directed by Yoichi Sai, and set for a September 19th Japanese release, Kamui Gaiden follows the tale of a rogue ninja, Kamui who is constantly on the run and on the look out for other ninjas that do not like the fact that he has left the sect and could possibly let outsiders know of the ninja hidden secrets. Kept on his toes and without any trust or love for anyone that he meets, Kamui does finally settles down in a small village, where he eventually feels comfortable and safe with its inhabitants. Of course, the ninja threat is never too far away, as they have set in motion a trap to capture and take down the stray ninja. No English subs for this trailer, so my apologies, but since I just told you the plot, you can figure out what is going on. Also, it would be silly of me not to mention the crazy shark attack in the trailer...talk about jumping the shark!

Okay, this next trailer was one that I bumped into over at Dear Bastards, and I was instantly taken by it.

This may be something special, something different, something to talk about. The film - The Fourth Kind - the way the film is handled - one of a kind. At least one of a kind when in comparison to your average cinema fair. Sorry about the crypticness so far, but when you have some Blair Witch type of back story to a movie, but it may actually be real...well, that just changes the whole game. The Fourth Kind is written and directed by Olatunde Osunsanmi, and stars Mila Jovovich and Elias Koteas (better known as Casey "modda fuckin" Jones! Recognize!), two actors that I enjoy very much. The Fourth Kind is based off seemingly true events of an ongoing case of alien abductions in Nome, Alaska where a disturbingly large amount of people have mysteriously gone missing every year since the 1960's. Despite multiple FBI investigations, no answers have been reached in regards to the ongoing case, resulting in many accusations of a federal cover up. What makes this film the most interesting is, the integrated never-before-seen footage of disturbing psychiatric sessions with some of the victims of the so-called abductions. It's like one part documentary, mixed into a traditional Hollywood film. Sounds and looks like it could be a gimmick, but from what I have researched, it is not. You get the breaking of the fourth wall in a trailer that is quite frightening and promises to deliver a film that doesn't come around all too often. Look for The Fourth Kind in theaters on November 6th.

That's it for me this time folks, hope you enjoyed those trailers, and feel free to leave comments as to what you think about them! And lastly, I know I don't say it enough, but I love you.

Later!

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Confused Fashion Sense Edition!

Hey-hey-hey kids! After a long week of working hard for dat cash monies, it is time for you to enjoy that hard earned dough by spending it right here, at Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! The more you spend, means the more you drink, the more you drink, means the more you dance, the more you drink and dance, means the hotter for me you become! If you’re lucky, later on I'll let you up to the private suite for a little one-on-one dancing, and of course some Moet - on the house. We all know the Moet you drink, the mo-wet you get! Yeaooowww! But for now, I believe dj Skele-tone just rolled up, and with him, he brought the hottest of the hot dance tunes. Tonight, on dj Skele-tone's dope-ass music agenda, we will be poppin’ and lockin’ to the smooth sounds of Any Way I Gotta Swing It brought to us by hip-hop pioneers, Whodini! The only magic trick here, is gonna be when I make it disappear, but don't you go and disappear, cause this party is hotter than my urinary tract infection!

Ughh...who invited a Baldwin brother? Gross, I guess the freaks do come out at night!


Whodini? More like Who-didn't look in the mirror before leaving the house today! For the soundtrack to A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child, 1989's Any Way I Gotta Swing It was created by the classic hip-hop group, Whodini. Unlike the previous dance party, there was no controversy to be found with this jam, except for maybe some of the outfit choices, of course. Whodini's lyrical duo consisted of Jalil Hutchins and John Fletcher (aka Ecstasy), along with DJ Drew Carter (aka Grandmaster Dee) on the tables. I love the dancing Freddy’s going up and down the stairs, and the classic "Nancy’s house" setting is more than cool, but watching Ecstasy dance around in an open chested stonewash jean jacket, complete with matching ripped jeans has got to be the frosting on this hip-hop cake! Definitely, the hot look in 1989! Not that Ecstasy's get up wasn't the norm for him, but it's always worth a giggle or two. I also really dig Jalil's "Door to door magazine salesman" outfit - very church appropriate.

Great video for a fun song, Any Way I Gotta Swing is a proper entry into the Freddy pop-culture universe, and one that I will always find some fun in watching. But what I enjoy watching even more, is you tearin' up that dance floor. Man, you look so beautiful when you move; hopefully you'll be rippin' off my clothes the same way rip up that dance floor! Now here, take this pill. Don't worry about what it does - it'll make you feel...happy. You like feeling happy, don't you?

Where My Dogs At?

After serving not nearly enough time for reprehensible animal cruelty, Michael Vick and his mistreatment of dogs is deserving of a fate much worse that the short prison term he served. What would I do if I were to decide the fate of the QB with the passing skills of my mom? I would let the dogs loose on him! Now, Vick is as fast as a bowel movement after a sit down dinner at Taco Bell, so you need special dogs to take this guy down and give him the punishment that he deserves. I'm not talkin' about Caesar Milan's little bitch ass pack of pooches; I'm talkin' straight thug dogs, the kind of dogs that would not get punked by no mark ass buster like Vick. Here is my list of dogs that I would choose to do the deed - these are the baddest of the bad - this is The Dog Pound!

Rottweiler - A rottweiler, that doubles as a cyborg?! Now that is scary. Any dog that rocks a pair of platinum fronts is as badass as it gets in my book. The only person who could possibly keep them self safe from certain death-by-dog would be, Robocop (or RoboGeisha perhapes?). Cause he's a cyborg type of dude, even then, does he really stand a chance? Altered by Science - to Wear Platinum Fronts!



Cujo - Awww, this cute little doggie has a barrel around his neck - too bad that barrel is filled with blood! This rabid St Bernard ain't playing any symphonies this time around; the only music Cujo will be bumpin', is the sweet sounds of your screams as he eats your ass. Who's the Boss now?



Man's Best Friend - More like Not Man's Best Friend. Another dog that reached monster status due to science, but unlike Rottweiler, this bitch is upgraded by genetics! This mutated mutt, Max, brings the terror to the Max. If you think you can out run him, you can't, if you think that you can peddle away on a bicycle, you can't, if you think you can climb a tree to safety, you just can't. There is no escaping Man's Best Friend!



White Dog - A dog that seems to be a sweet as pie, a pie with a blood filling! This dog isn't a cyborg nor does it suffer from rabies, this bleach blonde barker suffers from severe abuse by its former owners. This abuse results in the pale haired German Sheppard being more racist against black people than Bernie Mac in Don’t be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. However, this dog does take well to training if done properly, or so it seems, as this dog turns out to be racist against everyone that is not of the canine variety. Two leggers beware; White Dog is not cool with your ass!



Dog The Bounty Hunter - The biggest and baddest dog of them all, Dog the Bounty Hunter has no problem with making a fool out of you if you decide to skip bail. If the look of wavy mullets, and droopy tanned skin isn't enough to frighten ya, Dog also has his own pack that he roles with just in case he needs some back up. "No Brah…I'm the bounty hunter, dog!"



Man, Vick would be in some serious shit with this crew of mean mutts...he better carry around some milk bones for distraction, and hope for the best, and that he doesn’t run into that dog from Cabin Fever!

Later, dog.

Now THIS is How a Teaser Should Be Done!

I need not post any info about this movie, not that there's a lot to find about Hypothermia in these early stages, but it would just defeat the purpose of such an awesomely executed teaser. As the title of this post suggests, THIS is how a teaser is done! THIS is all that I need, to have my attention grabbed - and it is always nice to see a teaser like this, in a world where the art of teasers and trailers are as lost, and ancient, as the art of Egyptian Hieroglyphics (?). Okay, maybe not quite that lost, but it is so rare to have a movie trailer or teaser that doesn't either completely explain, to the detail, what is going to happen in the movie that said teaser/trailer is for, or one that completely dupes you into thinking a film is one thing, when in all actuality, it is something completely different.

I did seek, and find out a little info about the film, Hypothermia that resulted in this following teaser, but I thought it would be nice if you watched it, then got excited for it, then in anticipation, looked for any info on the movie to devour in your insane movie-fueled, carnivorous way. It's like the old days, right? Maybe not, but I do not want to take away from the effectiveness of this brilliant teaser by talking about it for two paragraphs. Which is exactly what I am still kinda doing now. Damn.


I just love seeing a teaser that keeps it simple and tells you nothing, while still telling you a whole lot. You know there is something under that thick slab of ice, and you know that something, is something that you don't want to tussle with. And you get all of that from a single shot of an ice fishing hole.

Hypothermia is being frozen for us by Glass Eye Pix (under the ScareFlix sub-label), the same company that put out other such genre efforts from the likes of Larry Fessenden (who also created the label) in the form of Wendigo and The Last Winter among others. Now, I really don't expect you to have to go and search for info about the film, so I will provide a link to a place where you can read the synopsis and find what little info there is. Here would work nicely. It’s kind of cheating and almost defeats the purpose, but there is still some adventure to be found in clicking on the link - a link, that for all you know, could lead to a nude photo of one Matt-suzaka.