Where My Dogs At?

After serving not nearly enough time for reprehensible animal cruelty, Michael Vick and his mistreatment of dogs is deserving of a fate much worse that the short prison term he served. What would I do if I were to decide the fate of the QB with the passing skills of my mom? I would let the dogs loose on him! Now, Vick is as fast as a bowel movement after a sit down dinner at Taco Bell, so you need special dogs to take this guy down and give him the punishment that he deserves. I'm not talkin' about Caesar Milan's little bitch ass pack of pooches; I'm talkin' straight thug dogs, the kind of dogs that would not get punked by no mark ass buster like Vick. Here is my list of dogs that I would choose to do the deed - these are the baddest of the bad - this is The Dog Pound!

Rottweiler - A rottweiler, that doubles as a cyborg?! Now that is scary. Any dog that rocks a pair of platinum fronts is as badass as it gets in my book. The only person who could possibly keep them self safe from certain death-by-dog would be, Robocop (or RoboGeisha perhapes?). Cause he's a cyborg type of dude, even then, does he really stand a chance? Altered by Science - to Wear Platinum Fronts!



Cujo - Awww, this cute little doggie has a barrel around his neck - too bad that barrel is filled with blood! This rabid St Bernard ain't playing any symphonies this time around; the only music Cujo will be bumpin', is the sweet sounds of your screams as he eats your ass. Who's the Boss now?



Man's Best Friend - More like Not Man's Best Friend. Another dog that reached monster status due to science, but unlike Rottweiler, this bitch is upgraded by genetics! This mutated mutt, Max, brings the terror to the Max. If you think you can out run him, you can't, if you think that you can peddle away on a bicycle, you can't, if you think you can climb a tree to safety, you just can't. There is no escaping Man's Best Friend!



White Dog - A dog that seems to be a sweet as pie, a pie with a blood filling! This dog isn't a cyborg nor does it suffer from rabies, this bleach blonde barker suffers from severe abuse by its former owners. This abuse results in the pale haired German Sheppard being more racist against black people than Bernie Mac in Don’t be A Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood. However, this dog does take well to training if done properly, or so it seems, as this dog turns out to be racist against everyone that is not of the canine variety. Two leggers beware; White Dog is not cool with your ass!



Dog The Bounty Hunter - The biggest and baddest dog of them all, Dog the Bounty Hunter has no problem with making a fool out of you if you decide to skip bail. If the look of wavy mullets, and droopy tanned skin isn't enough to frighten ya, Dog also has his own pack that he roles with just in case he needs some back up. "No Brah…I'm the bounty hunter, dog!"



Man, Vick would be in some serious shit with this crew of mean mutts...he better carry around some milk bones for distraction, and hope for the best, and that he doesn’t run into that dog from Cabin Fever!

Later, dog.

Now THIS is How a Teaser Should Be Done!

I need not post any info about this movie, not that there's a lot to find about Hypothermia in these early stages, but it would just defeat the purpose of such an awesomely executed teaser. As the title of this post suggests, THIS is how a teaser is done! THIS is all that I need, to have my attention grabbed - and it is always nice to see a teaser like this, in a world where the art of teasers and trailers are as lost, and ancient, as the art of Egyptian Hieroglyphics (?). Okay, maybe not quite that lost, but it is so rare to have a movie trailer or teaser that doesn't either completely explain, to the detail, what is going to happen in the movie that said teaser/trailer is for, or one that completely dupes you into thinking a film is one thing, when in all actuality, it is something completely different.

I did seek, and find out a little info about the film, Hypothermia that resulted in this following teaser, but I thought it would be nice if you watched it, then got excited for it, then in anticipation, looked for any info on the movie to devour in your insane movie-fueled, carnivorous way. It's like the old days, right? Maybe not, but I do not want to take away from the effectiveness of this brilliant teaser by talking about it for two paragraphs. Which is exactly what I am still kinda doing now. Damn.


I just love seeing a teaser that keeps it simple and tells you nothing, while still telling you a whole lot. You know there is something under that thick slab of ice, and you know that something, is something that you don't want to tussle with. And you get all of that from a single shot of an ice fishing hole.

Hypothermia is being frozen for us by Glass Eye Pix (under the ScareFlix sub-label), the same company that put out other such genre efforts from the likes of Larry Fessenden (who also created the label) in the form of Wendigo and The Last Winter among others. Now, I really don't expect you to have to go and search for info about the film, so I will provide a link to a place where you can read the synopsis and find what little info there is. Here would work nicely. It’s kind of cheating and almost defeats the purpose, but there is still some adventure to be found in clicking on the link - a link, that for all you know, could lead to a nude photo of one Matt-suzaka.

From the Cradle to The Grave(s)

I love finding trailers for bizarre, off the wall, independent horror films of the lower budget variety. One big problem with those trailers are you might not see the actual movie for who knows how long, as they can lie in release limbo, waiting for a distributor to put them out for our consumption. These are the movies that will almost never have a chance of seeing a theatrical release outside of festivals and some major cities. For example, a movie like Pig Hunt, that has had some festival play (for like two years now!), but still has yet to see the light of DVD day. I think this is the biggest reason why After Dark Films doing it's annual 8 Films to Die For, has been really good for the less than Hollywood horror genre. The movies have been a mixed bag as most of you already know, but there have also been a few real gems to be found in every yearly outing (most notably for me are Frontier(s) and The Gravedancers). Now in its fourth year, After Dark Horrorfest is once again peeking its head out for a solid week (Jan. 29th-Feb. 5th of next year) of horror madness, and playing in theaters across the country - it will be another chance for some little engine that could films to make their way into theaters, and quickly onto proper DVD releases. So, even if you aren't in a town that has a theater playing any of the festival's films, you at least know you will be able to check them out on DVD at some point. I am looking forward to what they put out early next year, and the whole point of this post stems from the trailer for one of the two movies that they have on slate to play the upcoming festival.

The Graves is written and directed by well-known comic creator/writer, Brian Pulido, which is a promising sign with his work mainly being of the horror variety. The Graves stars Clare Grant and Jillian Murray as Megan and Abby Graves, a pair of smokin' hot sisters (who of course, love comics and other such nerdy things!) who head out on a road trip through the Arizona desert, looking for odd roadside attractions that they hope to bump into while on their journey. The sexy sisters find themselves in the mining town of Skull City (!), where they are put in a situation where they have to fight for their lives from forces both supernatural and human. Okay, I have gone on way too long now, and if you haven't already stopped reading, and already clicked on the trailer below, now is the time to do so...I'll go and make some brownies for when you return from watching the trailer.


Amen!!

If you didn't notice, Bill Moseley is in this film, which is fitting since this is trashy hick territory we are treading here with The Graves. And unless you're vegan and can resist the temptation of a juicy glazed ham, how could you not notice the one and only Candyman straight hammin' it up so hard, that he needs a side of scalloped potatoes to go along with his performance. The Graves look like a nice mix of horror, with a slab of madcap fun as seen with some of the FX shots (Shotgun go Boo-ya! anyone?) and supporting actors. Promising start to the Horrorfest line up, that kinda recently added Clive Barker's Dread as the second movie out of the 8 Films to Die For. I love Clive Barker, so I am sure there will be a follow up post about that film in the near future, but for now, I am looking forward to checking out The Graves...and at least I know I will be able to without having to wait a year or two.

One more thing. In the comments section, I would love if someone could guess as to why this trailer kicks ass at 6 seconds in?

Large thermometer, indeed.

I Can See For Miles and Miles

After a long day at work, and an even longer night partying with those wild kids over on Elm Street, I found a little time to post something over at Paracinema this evening. Gearing up for an upcoming multi-state move for the Missus and I, it is nice to be able to sit back and watch a movie where the characters have some chaos in their lives to deal with. The movie is the 1988 apocalyptic film, Miracle Mile. Watching a bunch of people run around due to what may be the end of the world takes some pressure off a person, and makes me feel a little better about packing too.

Apocalyptic situations in films are something that I truly enjoy, whether it be the start, in the midst, or the post, the apocalypse is a sub-genre that comes in many shapes and sizes, and one that can deliver on many different levels. From the modest budgeted and intimate one-man show from Rory Cochrane in Right At Your Door, to a cult classic like Gilliam’s 12 Monkeys, and a powerhouse blockbuster pile-of-shit like, The Day After Tomorrow, it is a genre that is a part of cinema that can be matched by no other in abundance and diversity. Zombies, viruses, natural disasters, unnatural disasters, giant monster movies, War, alien invasions, you name it, they are all apocalyptic sub-genres. So yeah, Miracle Mile - where does it place in the annals of apocalyptic cinema? You will have to head over and read my review for yourself. In the meantime (Helmet!), I’ll be working on the plans for my new bomb shelter, hopefully equipped with a rocket launcher!



Click on that linkage below to take you to the post!

Paracinema...The Blog: Miracle Smile :)

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Uncle Phil Edition!

Wubba wubba wubba! Hey there you dancing’ hep cats, it is a pleasure to see you back with us this Friday for another all night dance par-tay, at the club that is better than at least seven STD‘s…it‘s Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party!! We got a bubble machine, that doesn’t blow, and the Moet is gonna straight up be flowin’ all night, right on through till it‘s time for you to get ready for work in the morning! YEAAHHHHH!!!

Always bringin’ the sickest beats, to move yo feet’s, dj Skele-tone rushed back from a week spinnin’ hot beats in Europe just to get this party started correct! On the hip-hop docket tonight, dj Skele-tone has something that will blow your mind! He will be playing DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince’s hip-hop horror classic, A Nightmare on My Street! See below for an explanation as to the strange video choice…we wouldn’t want you to think the guy that drives the El Camino slipped something into your drink again.

Oh shit!! Carlton’s here?! He always brings da funk!



Released in 1988 and written by Pete Q. Harris, Will Smith, and Jeffrey Townes (best known as DJ Jazzy Jeff) and featured on the album “He‘s the DJ, I‘m the Rapper,” A Nightmare on My Street was created to coincide with A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. However, some behind closed doors business gone bad (involving other film properties), resulted in a rift between New Line Cinema and the hip-hop duo, resulting in the song being denounced by New Line as having any connection to the Nightmare property. It was to the point that all pressings of the single and the album had a disclaimer stating that the song had no affiliation with the series. There was even a video that was made for the song, and I think I remember seeing it, but it is rumored that it was aired either just a few times, or not at all. Whether it played at all or not, New Line buried the video for no one to ever see again, and thus, the still very cool It‘s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown hybrid. Thought you all would enjoy that choice, as I love it! I searched pretty long and hard (ahem) for the actual video, well, like more than ten minutes at least, but no luck finding it. If there were one thing that could slay Freddy Krueger though, it would be that shrill bitch, Lucy, not the star of Wild Wild West.

Let’s get back to the business at hand. OHHHHH...MAN! This party is so off the chain! Might be the Moet talkin’, but I’m feeling like I wanna do a little more dancing’ tonight. In the bedroom. We are movin’ this party to my pants!!! Hey, what is a great way to keep from getting pregnant, while still getting laid? Use a Wubba wubba wubba!

You like me, you really like me!

Very recently, I was awarded with numerous accolades and honors for a blog well done as noted in a previous post. Once again, I have been shown love for my efforts in the blogging world from a few of my contemporaries, namely, Aaron from No Comment. and B-Sol of The Vault of Horror, who both have been kind enough to award me with this....

There is one stipulation though, I have to follow suit, and list ten things that you all do not know about me, none of which, will be the admittance of anything involving nudity. Maybe.

I also have to shout out ten blogs, and since I recently did something very similar to this in my other post, I will do so for some of the newer (to me) blogs that I have recently found myself enjoying till the night closes in. Of course, I will send this honor back to B-Sol, and Aaron for the amazing blogs that they provide me with day in and day out, but I will throw in one of the greatest of achievements that is known to man (or woman, of course). This is an achievement that will take someone many years to attain (unless you roll with Miyagi, then it's months), and is an honor that one can normally only capture, with the help of skilled beard growth. Of course, I am speaking of the honorary "Chuck Norris Black Belt of Blogging." Most of you may not be able to handle that shit, but "buckle up," cause you are now a master of the blogosphere, and Karate! This award goes out to all that are listed below, along with the Honest Scrap award...Congrats to you all! And I love you, for your personality. Kinda.

The Lightning Bug's Lair

Monster Land

Basement of Ghoulish Decadence

Freddy in Space

Kindertrauma

Random Hummings...

Cool Ass Cinema

I Like Horror Movies

Tower Farm Reviews

Destructible Man

Check out these great blogs, or they will kick your ass with their new found Karate skillz!

And now, her is ten things you don't know about me...

1. I have a strange love for the hip-hop dance film, Honey

2. I think Sean Penn is a fucking douche bag

3. I was once a very skilled artist in all forms

4. Christmas Crunch is one of my favorite cereals

5. I think cabin Fever is grossly under-appreciated

6. I saw Conan the Barbarian in the theaters with my Ma Dukes!

7. I am a restaurant manager

8. I can cook pretty damned well

9. I love baseball and football

10. I love you!

RoboGeisha, or...What the F!?

If I remember correctly, I first saw the trailer for the upcoming Japanese film, RoboGeisha thanks to Miles over at the fantastic blog, HodgeBlodge. I had no idea what I was in for the first time I clicked play on the trailer button thingy, and even now, as I find myself clicking play on the second trailer for RoboGeisha, I realize that I still have no comprehension of how completely insane this movie looks! Like...I could say something about the incredibly weird voice over that sounds kind of like a dude trying to clear his throat while dropping a difficult to push out deuce, or the over the top action and gore, the Geisha chainsaw, the from-outta-nowhere Japanese pop-punk song, the use of lactate as a weapon (yes, boobie milk), the torso only sword attack, the unbelievably bad (but still enjoyable) CG, and the overall out there hi jinks to be found all throughout this trailer. I could keep going, but why bother, the trailer is right below, so just click on it yourself if you want to witness the madness!

Warning! This trailer may not be suitable for anyone under the age of ten. Any older, then don't worry about it, they already smoke butts and drink by now anyways.


The same crew behind Tokyo Gore Police and Machine Girl brings RoboGeisha to us. I still have not seen TGP, but I thought Machine Girl was a total blast for what it was. RoboGeisha looks to blow the doors off what we saw in Machine Girl, and I cannot wait to be flabbergasted for an hour and a half when the movie makes its way to my DVD player.

Go to Hell!