No Hangover today, mostly because there wasn't much going on, but it is a holiday weekend, so I fully expect you all to enjoy your Fourth of July with enough beer and liquor to make you want to put your head in an oven on Monday morning. Ha ha, the jokes are funny, I know, but I want to get serious here for a second. It is the Fourth, and I expect that many of you will be celebrating your freedom by drinking heavily and playing with fireworks. Now, I don't mind the drinking - so long as you drive no more than a block for a packy run when you run out of beer - but I am concerned about your use of fireworks on this day of joy. I have provided an educational safety video that will show you, dear reader of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, just how dangerous these satanic explosives really are…
So, if you are a dummy, literally or figuratively, do not hold fireworks in your hands for more than 38 seconds, or stand directly over them as they are going off, set them off in your pockets, or even use one to try and save time slicing up that watermelon. It just isn't worth it, and if you get hurt, that is just one less page view I get here, and we wouldn't want to upset me, now would we?
Welcome once again my fiery fiends, to the hottest club in Fudrucker NE, Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! And boy is this one going to get steamy, as I truly have brought the heat with tonight's Dance Party. So grab yourself a towel to wipe away the sweat that's sure to pour…wait, not that towel, that's my…um, special towel…yeah, use that other one, the one that isn't crunchy and stiff. Okay, now keep that towel handy, as I am about to introduce you to the mistress of the macabre, the epitome of evil, the most sinister woman to crawl on the face of the Earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of…Santanico Pandemonium!
Told you that shit was going to be hot, didn't I? Put you tongue back in your mouth, and that other thing too, please…there are kids here. The song, titled After Dark, was written by Tito Larriva, Steven Hufsteter and performed by Tito & Tarantula specifically for 1996's From Dusk Till Dawn. Tito & Tarantula - who also did music for Robert Rodriguez's previous breakout hit, Desperado – also plays the house band of the greatest strip club ever known to man, woman, and child, the Titty Twister. Seriously though, who cares about the song? It's okay enough, sure, but this clip is what it is because of Santanico Pandemonium herself, Salma Hayek.
If at anytime you were to ask me what I think are the hottest movie scenes of all time, this is one that would come immediately to mind, there's no doubt about it. You have this rough and obnoxious bar, crawling with scum and criminals, yet, the second Santanico Pandemonium comes out for her sensual performance, the Twister comes to a stand still. In more ways than one. Can you blame them? The only thing I don't dig is the Tarantino foot suck…that shit is so gross…nasty foot sucking mo fo, and you know he wrote that shit with himself in mind for the role too. Nasty. But boy was Hayek as hot as she ever was in From Dusk Till Dawn, and she is still quite gorgeous now, but her ability to charm snakes seems to have waned a bit…
…She straight climbs up on that bitch! I wonder if that human ladder thought for a brief sec that she might get some of that Tarantino foot suck love? Sorry honey, you ain't Tarantino.
Very recently, I was lucky enough to finally sit down and watch one of cinema's most provocative and discussed films, Twilight. It's almost weird even typing the name, as I would never have expected to watch and review this movie, let alone do so with a sort of high anticipation. Let me explain: I remember this one day I was at my old job, and everyone was telling me about this disgusting online video that was sure to make me hold back a drop or two of vomit. Some were saying that I just had to see this video, while others warned me, saying it is so gross, and not to put myself through the horrid imagery. Curiosity killed the Matt, and I went straight home and watched 2 Girls 1 Cup, and forever will I think differently about soft serve.
What I'm trying to get at here, is no matter how much I was warned about just how nasty this video was, I had to see it for myself. That is kind of the same thing that happened with me having to watch Twilight. Part of me was willing to put my taste at risk, to see something that I knew would be just plain awful. But just how awful could it be? That's the draw. I heard every complaint about Twilight more times than I would care to, but that may have just added a little fuel to the fire, making me want to see the movie even more.
Now, I have more than once expressed my love for bad cinema. While I am constantly on the hunt to expand my celluloid horizons by watching all types of film, and as much as I love a Harold and Maude, or a Rashômon, I almost equally love something like The Room, or Trick or Treat. At times, my bad taste even extends to a certain enjoyment of films that are pretty much terrible. I can find something about them that keeps me watching and interested. I actually thought that Twilight might be that movie in the dark moments leading up to my maiden voyage, however, I was quite wrong.
Strangely, I am really wanting to see New Moon and eventually Eclipse, because I have to see just how bad it can all get. While I can find great joy in laughing at a movie that has me scoffing about terrible performances, moronic puke faces, terrible cinematography and awful music, I didn't find much joy in Twilight. I should love this film for how terrible it is, but it is just that horrendous that it cannot even find appreciation from someone who might possibly give it some. I don't even care about the bastardization of vampire mythology, I am someone that really knows the mythology quite well, but it still doesn't bother me all that much. Let them have their vampires be as girly as they want, it makes for a great laugh and it doesn't change the mythology outside of the Twilight tweeniverse.
What does bother me most is that some people really do think that Twilight is a great movie. Twilight is flat out insulting to the intelligence of the general public, but not that insulting if they eat it up with a glazed look in their eyes and a smile. Now, if you're a 16-year-old chick/dude with a taste for eyeliner, I have no issue with you liking it. It's made for you. Actually, I have no issue with an adult liking it, so long as they can at least admit that it's not a good film. There is such thing as a guilty pleasure, I have many, and guilty pleasure grants a very free and open pass to like garbage. I, shamefully, love Dawson's Creek. I didn't always love that awful show, in fact, I thought it was completely moronic and talked all sorts of shit about it. Then, thanks to syndication, one late night I got roped in well after the show had gone off the air, and born was a very guilty pleasure and a life choice…Dawson or Pacey.
I could have gone 900 different ways with this review, and there are 900 different things to say about this film, which is funny, because nothing even happens until the last 45 minutes? But Twilight has been torn apart by so many in so many different ways that I need not tread the details. It's way too easy. Though, a caption post would have been great, or even one about the epic Kristen Stewart hospital performance that was recently recreated by Mindy McCready on Celebrity Rehab. Maybe now that I have seen Twilight, I can talk about it and mention how bad it blows, but realistically, I couldn't care less when it comes down to it. In the end, the only things I got out of watching Twilight are the fact that I conquered one of the most infamous films ever made, and that girls really shouldn't shop at Eddie Bauer.
The Death Rattle has dedicated the entire month of June to everyone's favorite genre, the Slasher film, but more specifically, the Slasher films of the 1980's! Throughout the month, Aaron put together the 80's Slasher Movie Championship Tournament - a massive Slasher showdown that pitted all the genre had to offer from the decade of decadence - to see who would come out on top as voted by his readers. The ultimate Slasher, if you will. Or even if you won't.
Anyways, Aaron decided to cap off this joyous month by having a bunch of horrors sexiest bloggers participate with their own list of essential subgenre specific Slasher films. For example, there is a list for 80's Slashers, 70's Slashers, Campus Slashers, Foreign Slashers and so on and so forth. There are a bunch of excellent writers that took part, then there is me, the one that swopped in and got my dirty little hands on Holiday/Special Occasion Slashers. So head over to The Death rattle for my list of essential Holiday/Special occasion Slasher films, and while you at it, check out the cornucopia of Slasher action!
Hello once again kiddies. I'm very glad you have decided to take some time to check out what we have in store for you today. Hopefully there is something that will catch your bloodshot eye and make this, your awful hangover, just a little more bearable. Sadly, I am going to have to rush through this one, as I have no time in what is an annoyingly busy work weekend for me. I didn't want you to think I was being lazy or some crap.
When in a rush, SyFy comes through big time with an afternoon full of horror to keep your mind off the sick headache you developed for some odd reason. Things start nice and early with some quality horror at 9:00 with In the Mouth of Madness, which is a fun 90's film as well as a solid homage to Lovecraft.
After that, SyFy goes buck wild with a bunch of movies I have not seen, but I would think about watching if in the right mood. 100 Feet (eww, stinky) is the first film at 11:00, followed by Backwoods (starring Haylie Duff!) at 1:00, and finishing off the afternoon is Open Graves at 3:00. Not a bad line-up from SyFy, and at least a few of these films look watchable, while still harboring a copious amount of alcohol in your bloodstream, of course.
I'll close out the afternoon with a back-to-back dose of classic Tim Burton on ABC Family, starting with a 2:30 showing of Bettlejuice, followed by Edward Scissorhands at 4:30. Love both of these movies and they certainly add to what is a decent Horror Hangover film wise, which is nice.
Alrighty, I gotta jet, but thanks for sticking around, and may your hangover subside by the evening. So you can drink some more.
Oh boy is it about to get hot in here, actually, with a certain someone's central air pooping the bed, it already is hot in here. I'll save you the boring and sweaty details, but to say Swamp Thing could make his home in my undies is an understatement. However, I am not the only one burning up tonight, but unfortunately, my need to strip is not followed by a werewolf transformation, which would be kind of cool. Tonight's clip is a special one, as it's from a film that is loved and considered a classic by most every genre fan, including myself. Before we get started, I should warn you all that this video is NSFW…there is a naked American man in it, but thankfully, you don't see his balloons.
1981's An American Werewolf in London made great use of music, and all with a common and fitting theme, the moon. This is the scene that clearly stands out most, as David Kessler make his famous transformation into a beast of the night to Sam Cooke's version of Blue Moon. The song was originally written by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart way back in 1934 and has been covered so many times, it would take all of our fingers and toes to count them. While I prefer, and completely adore, The Marcel's Doo-Wop version, Cooke's fits in quite nicely for its ominous yet sweet tone. Blue Moon is a small, but very important, piece of a puzzle that created one of cinemas most memorable scenes.
How much have all of us been dying for a horror movie television network all our own? Well, I know I have. There was Monsters HD, but that was a satellite channel and went in the pooper anyways. I hear some people talk about Chiller TV, mostly saying it sucks, and either way, it isn't available from many of the bigger cable companies. SyFy has been the closest and most accessible channel, and while I love SyFy for what it is, it certainly doesn't quite cut it as a horror channel or even a Sci Fi one for that matter. So finally, there may be a chance for redemption.
It has recently been announced that FearNet will be making a play as a cable horror channel October 1st of this year, just in time for the month long celebration that is known as Halloween! Though it is still in the works, the hopes are that the channel will be available in both high-definition and standard-definition through the following cable companies: Comcast, Cox (ha ha, cox) Communications, Insight Communications, Bresnan Communications, Verizon’s FiOS TV and AT&T’s U-Verse. If this is the case, the channel will end up in a lot of homes, hopefully mine included.
I find this exciting for many reasons, one being that FearNet has a solid lineup of horror films and the On-Demand channel always has a great mix of horror movies, from classics and modern films, to straight B-Movie cheese and exploitation. Therefore, the movies will be versatile and solid, that much I know, and that is a huge step. Another great thing is FearNet has built up a solid community focused entity through their website, and that focus shows they have their finger on the pulse of horror fans who can be the most dedicated fans of them all when treated right.
The folks at FearNet really seems to know what they are doing, especially since they started out in a low risk, internet based way to build up a fan base and get their ideas straight, before jumping into a cable channel and learning the hard way what works. They have a built in relationship already in place, they know what fans want, and I hope they can deliver the goods that I have been waiting for for a long time now.
