CNAMB’s Best Movies of 2013

After what I consider to be an absolutely stellar year for film, I am extremely excited to bring to you my list for what I consider to be the best movies of 2013. Now, of course there are a slew of highly-anticipated films that I wasn’t able to catch before putting this list together, but 2013 was such a great year for film that doing a list of twenty worthy movies was pretty easy. In fact, there were so many great movies that I decided to make a separate list featuring my 10 favorite documentaries from 2013.   

Anyway, I won’t waste anymore of your time with semantics, as there are twenty films below waiting for your attention. So without any further ado, here are my 20 favorite films of 2013!

20. John Dies at the End

With John Dies at the End, horror veteran Don Coscarelli continues his streak of bringing to life cinematic worlds where genres are bent and horror and humor hold hands while skipping through a field of wild creativity. This darkly comedic, mind-bendingly chaotic piece of cinema goes down a rabbit hole and into a world where reality and sanity are questionable. The dialogue is snappy and kinetic as is the overall pace; however the film does go a little too far into gag territory at times, which is also sort of expected with Coscarelli. Overall, however, John Dies at the End continues a trend of interesting genre cinema from a man who has been doing it since the 70s.

19. A Hijacking

A thoroughly tense experience, A Hijacking guides its audience down the parallel paths of one story as seen through the eyes of the crew of a cargo ship that has been taken hostage by a group of Somali pirates, and those who are negotiating to get them released. Writer and director Tobias Lindholm (who also wrote the screenplay for my number 2 film), brings to life a taut and frightening situation that no one should ever have to experience. Driven by pure realism and genuine emotion, A Hijacking features moments that pull the viewer forward and right to the edge of their seat, all of which being achieved with pure subtlety. Also notable are the performances, specifically from Søren Malling and Johan Philip Asbæk, each of whom representing the story from both sides of this lateral tale of terrorism.

18. Antiviral

Brandon Cronenberg’s first feature-length film would call for comparisons to his father’s work for more reasons than just the family name alone. Antiviral carries on the tradition of body horror in a fashion that makes a clear statement about society, taking celebrity worship and obsession to an extreme that doesn’t necessarily feel too far-fetched. The somberness of the film is nicely balanced by the stark white minimalist surroundings of many of the film’s set pieces, leaving the deterioration of the lead character, Syd (soundly played by Caleb Landry Jones), to appear as if he is no more than a societal scab needing to be picked.

17. Pieta

Kim Ki-duk, blah, blah, blah, read my review by clicking that link below:

Pieta (2013): Baby Mama Drama

16. Stoker

South Korean director Park Chan-wook is easily one of my favorite working filmmakers, so hearing that he would be making his way to Hollywood was a bit concerning, as many Asian directors have a spotty track record when it comes to making the move to Hollywood. Thankfully this was not the case with Stoker, which not only has a dark and slightly taboo storyline filled with interesting characters and great acting, it’s is magnificently crafted on every level, from the photography and editing to the music and impeccable sound design. All of these attributes are very much inherent to the director’s previous work, and to have Park be able to come over to the states and make a film that is HIS film is an achievement as well as a relief.

15. The Lords of Salem

Despite the division among fans about his work, I think it’s difficult to deny Rob Zombie’s ability to create visually enticing films. I find him to be one of the most talented visual filmmakers working – regardless of his inconsistencies – and it is his maturing visual prowess that makes The Lords of Salem such a fascinating and enjoyable piece of transcendent horror. The story is simple, which I think works for what is a subtle and slowly brooding film where reality is never a certainty, and the fact that Zombie takes a much more subdued approach to his characterizations and especially his dialogue speaks to what he was aiming for with Lords.

14. V/H/S 2

Hey, I wrote a review for this one. You can hit the link below to get the dish on my thoughts about this enjoyable anthology sequel:

V/H/S 2 (2013): Tapes of Terror

13. This is the End

I absolutely love to laugh. I love watching movies that make me laugh. Unfortunately, however, I do not find most modern day, Hollywood made comedies to be very funny. I’ve sat through movies like The Hangover and Wedding Crashers and not even cracked a smile. Thankfully this was not the case with This is the End, which is one of the funniest pure comedies I have seen in many years. 

12. You’re Next

The hype behind You’re Next coming out of the 2011 Toronto International Film Festival was extremely high, making it one of my most anticipated horror films in quite some time. The two year wait was grueling, and while there was honestly no way that You’re Next could live up to my sky high expectations, Adam Wingard and Simon Barrett did indeed give horror fans (or at the very least me) a refreshing and fun home invasion flick worthy of a high spot on my best of 2013 list. Not only does You’re Next have a great pace, it’s surprisingly unpredictable. The cast is as good as it gets for an independent genre film, and there is an interesting dynamic between many of the characters, something that comes to be a big asset to this film’s success.

11. Maniac

Maniac was easily one of the biggest cinematic surprises of the year. Who would’ve thought that a remake of one of the most iconic slasher films would be crowned as my favorite horror film of the year? Every decision from Elijah Wood’s casting to the LA setting took a lot of balls, but those decisions paid off. Maniac not only captures the sleaze and creepiness of its influencer, it does so in a way that very much feels loyal to itself as a film. The first person photography is effective, especially in how it captures the male gaze from the perspective of the male. Wood gives a great performance despite not being on screen too often, and the violence is satisfyingly brutal. Furthermore, the final moment of Maniac will remain one of the best final moments of any horror film, period.

10. Frances Ha

In all honesty, I had no desire to even give Frances Ha a try. At the time I had started to hear a little more about it, I still wasn’t quite sure how I felt about the film’s lead Greta Gerwig. Even the mid-air jumping poster art rubbed me the wrong way. I know, what a snob. Anyway, after hearing more and more good things from the right people, I figured I’d quit being such a turd and give it a watch. Clearly I made the right choice, as Frances Ha is a charming and frustrating film about a charming and frustrating girl. And that is a complete and total compliment. 

Frances’ awkward behavior and lack of maturity is as uncomfortable as it is funny. She’s a character that you want to strangle one minute and drink a beer and laugh with in the next. This balancing act is a major attribute to the film, and much of this has the be credited to Gerwig, who gives such a free and open performance. The black and white photography works as a nice contrast to Frances’ colorful personality, and the film as a whole has a feel reminiscent of the French New Wave films of the ‘50s and ‘60s – many of which, too, were as charming as they were frustrating.

9. Drinking Buddies

There are a number of reasons why I enjoyed Joe Swanberg’s Drinking Buddies, but the most important one is how relatable it is. I can truly relate to the characters and the situations they are in on almost every level as they reflect my life experiences in some form or another. Though, at this point in my life the issues that they face aren’t reflective of where I am now, but I certainly haven’t forgotten about them. They are life experiences for a reason, and Drinking Buddies captures this extremely well.

Swanberg’s characters are believably written and have genuinely realistic interactions and conversations. Furthermore, the performances are impressive, especially from Jake Johnson who after a great performance in one of my favorite films of 2012 Safety Not Guaranteed has become an actor I am really excited about. I also came out a budding fan of Olivia Wilde, who is someone I had little to no experience with previous to Drinking Buddies.

8. Only God Forgives

Taking a page from my favorite Refn film, Pusher 2, Only God Forgives focuses on a character who is simply devoid of any sort of parental acceptance. Julian’s mother is overbearing, domineering and downright nasty. The way in which she raised Julian has turned him into an impotent man filled with self doubt and ineptitude, which is the complete opposite of the dashing hero that many would’ve expected from a character played by hunky Ryan Gosling. I suppose that fits in with a film that is the complete opposite from what Drive fans where looking for, which has certainly caused a lot of vitriol towards the film.

Only God Forgives isn’t what a lot of people expected, let alone wanted. But as a big fan of his entire filmography (save for Fear X, which I still have not seen), Only God Forgives is Refn through and through. It’s a masterfully shot art film that doesn’t feel the need to lay out all of its intentions and ideas on the table for people to gobble-up without thought. Nicolas Winding Refn, divisive or not, is making movies that he wants to make – movies that he wants to see. Not movies that he thinks people will like. I wish more filmmaker had the balls to be themselves instead of trying to please the masses, but alas, the masses speak the loudest.

7. Upstream Color

Upstream Color is best described as an out-of-body experience; a puzzle begging to be solved by the characters and viewer alike. With a filmmaking style comprised of mesmerizing, transcendent imagery, filmmaker Shane Carruth (who also stars) dives into a fever dream filled with frustration and panic, focusing on two extremely damaged characters who share an unexplainable connection with one another. Both leads give a refreshingly honest performance, especially Amy Seimetz, who portrays emptiness in a way that makes it easy to sympathize with her plight. 

6. The Place Beyond the Pines

An epic that sprawls three generations, Derek Cianfrance’s The Place Beyond the Pines is a bleak and painstakingly crafted film that looks at the cause and effect of every decision that we make and how these decisions can affect future generations. The three act structure takes a vignette approach, which initially prevents the film from ever having a clear path. However, by the film’s third act, the path indeed becomes very clear, as the present is a reflection of the past; an insightful ripple effect from a pebble tossed in another life.

5. Mud

With only three films under his belt, writer/director Jeff Nichols has proven to be one of the most talented American filmmakers working today. HIs latest film, Mud, continues his penchant for Southern set dramas focused on richly written characters. It also continues the incredible run that Matthew McConaughey has been on over the past two years. In fact, McConaughey’s performance as the almost fantastical character of Mud might be one of his best, and that’s saying quite a bit considering his output as of late.

What I find to be one of the most enjoyable aspects of Mud comes from the fact that it’s a coming-of-age tale not unlike something along the lines of Stephen King’s Stand By Me. Ellis and Neckbone (Neckbone wins my award for best character name of the year) act and talk like real kids act and talk, both portraying a genuine childhood innocence and curiosity. It is they who are the real heart of the film, and both performances (especially that of the up-and-coming Tye Sheridan) are simply wonderful.

4. Gravity

It's no secret that Alfonso Cuaron's Children of Men is my favorite film of all time, so when news came that Cuaron would be returning with his first feature film since Children of Men (which was released in 2006), I was clearly very excited. Obviously I had set some high expectations for what would become Gravity, and despite a few minor issues (most of which are character related), Cuaron brought to life a cinematic rollercoaster unlike any I had ever been on before.

From the opening 17-minute-long take to the intense and surprisingly emotionally satisfying ending, Gravity is an experience, plain and simple, and it is that experience that makes it such an enveloping and memorable film.

3. Her

Spike Jonze’s Her is filled with so many layers that it is almost difficult to unravel them all, and that’s because every layer is so carefully intertwined. There is certainly something that the film is saying about the attachment that we have to our technology and the way we feel when it astounds us or lets us down, which is an ebb and flow not unlike a relationship between Theodore and Samantha, or any relationship for that matter. However, there is no guilt cast upon the viewer for our, the audience’s, relationship with our cellphones, tablets and PCs.

Despite its odd concept, Her is a straightforward story of love. More so, it’s one of those rare love stories that actually has a lot of weight. The relationship between Theodore and Sam is genuine and truthful, despite the fact that she is an operating system and he is a human being. In fact, the issues that Theodore faces have less to do with the fact that he is in a relationship with an OS and more about his shortcomings when it comes to being in a relationship. The subtly futuristic setting of Her is attractive and seemingly sanitized from pollution. It almost seems like the perfect world; but even in a perfect world people will always have flaws, and that is something that no technology can fix.

2. The Hunt

Thomas Vinterberg follows up his fantastic 2010 film, Submarino, with yet another powerful character study in The Hunt. This emotionally gripping drama about a lonely man having his life ripped apart after being accused of child molestation will likely put your emotions through the wringer, but never in a way that is cheap or exploitative. Mads Mikkelsen once again proves why he is one of the very best actors of this generation, giving a heart-breakingly sympathetic performance as Lucas. In fact, just about everyone in The Hunt gives an impressive performance. However, one of the strongest aspects of The Hunt comes from the fact that the viewer always knows the truth of this awful situation, which makes it such a difficult but impactful movie, and one that will definitely challenge your eyes to hold back a few tears.

1. Spring Breakers

Propelled by a simply incredible performance by James Franco as the hip-hop honky Alien, Harmony Korine’s Spring Breakers is one of those films that simply hits all the right marks for me. The neon infused color palate and hallucinogenic cinematography blend together to produce a world of pure transcendental fantasy, where morals take a back seat to visual splendor. The path that Korine takes his characters on is as simple as it is complex, as no one character has a predictable outcome despite their arcs having such a natural progression.

While I adore moments like “Look at muh sheeeit!” and the funny, yet somewhat touching cover of Britney Spears’ ‘Everytime’, some of my favorite aspects of Spring Breakers comes from those quiet moments – specifically those involving Alien dealing with Big Arch. These are the moments where Franco’s performance is the strongest, and they give the character a lot of depth, which is certainly a surprise coming from a guy who has nun-chucks, gold fronts and wears a mixture of Calvin Klein Escape and Be.

Honorable Mentions: Prisoners * Berberian Sound Studio * Ninja: Shadow of A Tear * Curse of Chucky * The Package * WNUF Halloween Special * Evil Dead * Warm Bodies * The Conjuring * Kiss of the Damned

Okay, that does it for my list. Dig it? Cool. Hate it? That’s cool, too. Just be sure to let me know in the comments section below! And don’t forget to check out my 10 best documentaries list by clicking the link below:

CNAMB’s Best Documentaries of 2013

Little Corey Gorey (1993): Family Matters

Poor little Corey Gorey (Todd Fortune) simply cannot catch a break. After losing his father in an auto accident, he is forced to live with his rotten stepmother, Betty (Pat Gallagher), and her spoiled son, Biff (Greg Sachs), both of whom live to make Corey’s life a living hell on a daily basis. Betty and Biff take great joy in constantly abusing Corey, who is nothing more to them than a slave; a slave who’s there to fetch beer and clean up after these pathetic losers. You know things are bad for Corey when Betty hangs him from a curtain rod with a belt while Biff throws empty beer cans at him, and all because she couldn’t find the remote control to her TV. The situation is certainly grim for Corey, but just how long can he put up with this abuse before he finally snaps? How far can he be pushed?

Corey is indeed pushed too far, and this happens when Biff steals his Ozzy Osbourne tickets. To make things worse, Biff takes the girl Corey has a crush on to the concert, which is what Corey was planning to do as a way to win her heart. This sets Corey off, forcing him into complete rage mode, and this is where things take a complete turn for Coey and all those who surround him. No longer will Corey be living under the constant abuse of Biff and Betty, and he makes sure of this by killing Biff and then tying Betty to the couch while he goes about enjoying his newfound freedom.  

Much of Little Corey Gorey is focused on all the crazy shit that happens to Corey after he disposes of Biff and puts his loudmouth stepmother out of commission. This includes some random run-ins with a dangerous local Mexican drug dealer, who is holding Corey accountable for the 8-ball he fronted to Biff before he went “missing.” Corey also starts to build a relationship with the girl he has a crush on, Jackie (Brenda Pope), as she ends up moving into his house and, soon enough, the two begin making plans to run away together. Unfortunately, however, Jackie isn’t as great as she seems, and eventually even she screws Corey over.

While Little Corey Gorey was released in 1993, it is instantly apparent that the film has a very ‘80s feel about it. Interestingly enough, the film’s director, William Moroni, posted to IMDB that the film was actually shot around '89, which is certainly more fitting of a year than its actual release date. Seeing as I was 12 or 13 years old in ‘89, some of the locations and the metal influenced fashion really took me back to being a kid. I feel like the locations used in Little Corey Gorey could have been any number of friend’s or family member’s homes that I hung around in as a kid (which is likely because they are real homes), and having the Kiss “inspired” band Creature constantly playing on TV in the background doesn’t hurt that overall feel, either.  

Something else that defines Little Corey Gorey as a film is its lack of budget. The production value is similar to that of a Jan Terri music video, and I say that in as loving a way as possible. It’s low-budget is a part of its charm, and where Little Corey Gorey comes up short in terms of production value, it makes up for with its humor. The movie is meant to be a horror comedy of sorts, and it is indeed quite funny in both an intentional and unintentional fashion. There are some great sight gags as well as a few hysterical lines, my favorite being when Jackie says to Corey, “Let’s go somewhere romantic... like a hotel room!” A lot of the stuff that relates to the stepmother being tied up is surprisingly clever, too, namely the way people are so indifferent to her plight during a massive party that Corey and Jackie throw.

If you feel as if Little Corey Gorey might be the right fit for your movie going life, then you can actually watch the director’s cut of the film, in whole and for free, over at a website that the director has set up. There is also a donation button, too, so if you are feeling generous, donate a few bucks. According to the director and others who worked on the film, no one made any money off Little Corey Gorey, though there are people who have been cashing in on DVD sales (one of which I actually own) and the filmmakers have not received any money as a result. Little Corey Gorey is a total blast and deserving of a bigger status as a cult film, so take 91 min out of your life to give it a whirl.  

Little Corey Gorey Website

Antisocial (2013): Social Stream of Blood

It’s New Year’s Eve, and Sam (Michelle Mylett) has just been dumped by her boyfriend. Within minutes of this heartbreaking event, the news of the breakup is all over the internet’s most popular social site, The Social RedRoom, which causes Sam to delete her profile after seeing a barrage of insensitive comments. Despite the breakup weighing heavily on her – for more reasons than the viewer is initially privy to – Sam begrudgingly accepts an invitation by her best friend Mark (Cody Thompson) to go to a New Year’s Eve party. As Sam and a small group of friends celebrate the birth of a New Year, the evening takes a frightening turn when a worldwide viral outbreak hits, leaving Sam and her friends trapped and fighting for their lives as they try to find answers as to what is causing this horrifying pandemic.

Directed by Cody Calahan (who also co-wrote with Chad Archibald), Antisocial is an independent Canadian horror film that attempts to bring something a little new to the zombie sub-genre, in that it uses the idea of social media being the actual cause of the outbreak. Specifically The Social RedRoom, which is basically a Facebook style social site that all the kids seem to be completely obsessed with. The idea of social media plays a major role into Antisocial, even going as far as introducing the five main characters by giving the viewer an overview of their profile on The Social RedRoom. This consists of quick glimpses of videos, photos and anything else you might see on a person’s Facebook profile.

Right from the get go it's quite apparent that there's a message the filmmakers are trying to get across with Antisocial; a message that is clearly focused on the dangers of social media for teenagers in the socially driven modern world we live in. For example, cyber bullying is brought up numerous times early in the film, and Sam even makes reference to the fact that she hates how people will say things online about her that they wouldn’t say to her face, something that speaks to the trolling ways of the internet.

Once it becomes apparent to the characters that an epidemic is unfolding, Antisocial goes on to follow the typical Night of the Living Dead structure, as the teens board themselves up in the house and try to survive the “zombie” outbreak. As the night rolls on, the teenagers must deal with a variety of conflicts, especially as some of these characters begin to show signs of being infected by the disease. During this time, the characters also attempt to learn the cause of the plague, eventually coming to the conclusion that it is a direct result of using the very social network that they are all obsessed with.

As previously mentioned, the filmmakers are trying to get across a very specific message with Antisocial, and by actually having a social site be the catalyst for a catastrophic event is about as heavy-handed an approach as it gets. What I would glean from this is that the Internet – specifically social media – is a disease; It’s a poison that destroys the minds of our youth, turning them into mindless zombies without the ability to function and think on their own. In all honesty, it's a valid message – to an extent. I think the issue I might have with this message is the fact that it places the burden solely on teenagers. To say that constantly being connected can be unhealthy for the human race is a valid and fair point to make. It’s even an interesting idea for a zombie/infection film. However, Antisocial never seems to acknowledge the fact that adults are nearly as abusive of social media as teenagers are.

Now, naturally it might be more difficult to get a teenager’s attention; it might seem as if they are the ones who simply cannot put their phone away for a moment to focus on anything other than keeping up with their friends. But the reality of the matter is that has always been the case with teens. Most teenagers are always distracted, and that has been the case since, well, probably the beginning of time. It’s part of what makes them teenagers. When I was a teenager, all I wanted to do was talk on the phone or hangout with my friends. Nowadays teenagers simply have different social options, not different habits.

What’s actually somewhat ironic about Antisocial is the fact that this film is, for all intents and purposes, targeting Facebook. Facebook is clearly the king of social media; however, over the past few years, Facebook has been and continues to be slowly abandoned by the younger crowd in favor of social sites such as Instagram and SnapChat. Even more ironic is the fact that teenagers are using Facebook less and less while older people are flocking to it and using it more. In fact, the idea that parents and, even worse, grandparents are on Facebook – sending out invitations to play Candy Crush Saga and commenting on their grandchildren’s drunken photos – is a huge reason why they are abandoning Facebook.

Despite my qualms with its slightly misguided message, I will, at the very least, commend the effort put forth. Antisocial is not a tongue-in-cheek splatter fest; it's not self-referential; it's not over the top and goofy. In fact, the film takes itself seriously and there is substance, and I appreciate that, especially from a low-budget horror film that focuses on teenage characters.

Inside (2007): Baby Blues

Inside opens with the aftermath of a violent car crash involving a man and his pregnant wife, Sarah (Alysson Paradis). It is quite clear that Sarah’s husband did not survive the accident, leaving Sarah alone, distraught and carrying a child. Flash forward to four months later, it’s Christmas Eve and Sarah is due to be induced the next morning. Until that time, however, Sarah will wait out the final night of her pregnancy in her home, with no one other than her cat to keep her company. While this would likely be a night where anticipation and sadness clouds Sarah’s thoughts, things take an unexpected turn when a psychotic woman (Béatrice Dalle) starts harassing her. Eventually, the woman’s harassment turns into an all out attempt to murder Sarah, and what ensues is a visceral bloodbath of violence and destruction as Sarah must fight to protect not only herself, but her unborn child, too.

Directed by Julien Maury and Alexandre Bustillo, Inside (À l'intérieur) is a 2007 French horror film that starts off in a fashion that is quite reminiscent of John Carpenter’s Slasher masterpiece, Halloween. The inspiration is clear in how some of the earlier moments are executed as well as the effect they have on the viewer, featuring a sort of background horror that, if you catch it, will give you a good reason to change your adult diaper. Inside plays the creepy vibe perfectly for the first act, then the film slowly unfolds into a full-on, no holds barred gorefest. Or, better yet, a gorefeast, because the bloody brutality of Inside has a satisfying taste reminiscent of the gruesome Slasher films of yesteryear.

Inside comes in under 90 min and pushes a relentless pace from start to finish. The film holds this pace with a simple narrative that only focuses on a few characters. The locations are also kept to a minimum, as - outside of the opening car accident - Inside is set almost entirely inside of Sarah’s home, with Sarah left to defend herself against the onslaught that is La Femme. There are a few sporadic characters that show up and give La Femme the opportunity to show off her ferocity, but the core of Inside is solely focused on the simplistic cat and mouse game between La Femme and Sarah.

*I’m about to get into some character motivations which might be too spoilery for anyone who hasn’t seen Inside, so please, tread lightly, if at all.*

La Femme is, without a doubt, one of the most frightening characters to ever grace the screen. The chaos caused by this woman is almost legendary. But the question remains: why would any woman, crazed or not, attempt to kill a woman carrying a child? Where is her compassion? Well, her compassion, her empathy and her sanity were all left behind in the very car accident that took Sarah’s husband from her, as it’s later revealed that La Femme was the other unseen motorist. Worse yet, La Femme was also pregnant and lost her child as a result of the car wreck, which has sent her down a path of vengeance where her goal is to take Sarah’s child and raise it as her own.

This is what makes  La Femme such an interesting character. As much as she’s a monster, La Femme is laced with a strong trace of sympathy. This is a character who has lost something that meant more to her than most viewers can ever fully grasp: her child. As a result, she blames Sarah for this loss, and her drive is that of a person who wants back what was unfairly taken from them. Does it make her a good person? No, not at all, but it is hard not to feel a little sorry for her, especially when Sarah is presented as a woman who is conflicted about being a mother herself. Why should Sarah be allowed to have a child that she doesn’t seem to really want, while La Femme, on the other hand, wants nothing more than to be a mother?

Now, in defense of Sarah, she too has suffered an incredible loss; a loss that removed an important part of her foundation. It’s clear that the death of her husband has greatly affected Sarah, and having him taken away from her results in her feeling incomplete and fearful of motherhood. The father of her child is no longer there to be the emotional support system that she always thought would be in place. And in no way does this reflect poorly Sarah as a person or make her weak in any way. In fact, I can imagine losing such a huge part of one’s life would result in an incredible amount self doubt and weakness. Furthermore, this pregnancy has likely served as a reminder of her husband’s death, something that, understandably, would be quite difficult to deal with.

Inside revels in its simplicity as a straightforward, no bullshit horror flick, but the fact that it gives a nice undercurrent of thoughtful character development shows the filmmakers were focused on keeping the audience engaged beyond the cool gore gags and buckets of blood. As much as Inside is a wet dream for a splatter fan, and as much as it delivers some truly tense moments, the strength of the film is in the internal conflict between Sarah and La Femme, two characters looking into a mirror, only to see the other’s reflection.

Christmas for Your Ears!

First of all, for those of you who celebrate Christmas, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. For those of you who do not, I would like to wish you a happy Wednesday, and I am sorry that you have to deal with all this shit every year. Now, whether you celebrate the birth of commercialism or not, I do have a special gift for you on this fine Christmas day. In fact, I have two of them, neither of which are socks or underwear.

First up, the Zubaz clad Carl Brezdin of Fist of B-List and myself were brought in as special guest hosts on the Gentlemen’s Guide to Minite Cinema (GGTMC) for their annual Christmas episode. Now, instead of focusing on a pair of holiday films, Samurai and Big Willy – the gentlemen behind the GGTMC – chose to cover the 1990 Teddy Page/Sean P. Donahue joint, Blood Hands, and the 1985 Shaw Brothers gangster/martial arts flick, Hong Kong Godfather.

No bullshit, this episode is sure to deliver some serious joy to your heart, and I can say that confidentially because I had a complete and total blast recording it with them. If you’d like to check out the episode for yourself, I have provided the proper links below:

• Direct Download
• Listen to the Episode Online 

Now, as awesome as all of that already is, I am feeling a little extra generous this Christmas, so I have one more fun little tidbit that is sure to fill your stocking with a wad of Christmas spirit. The before mentioned Karl Brezdin and myself got together and recorded a special episode of the Midnite Ride, which is a short form podcast in conjunction with the GGTMC. Seeing as it’s the holidays, Karl and I decided to take a look at the 1989 holiday classic, Elves, staring Dan “The Camel” Haggerty!

Again, this is another fine episode about a not so fine, but utterly silly holiday horror flick. If you’d like to hear Karl and myself ramble on about this holiday shiterpiece, then please hit the links below:  

• Direct Download
• Listen to the Episode Online

Okay, I would like to get drunk now, so get the fug off my lap or I’ll be forced to give you a few black and blues for Christmas. However, before I go, here are some more links you need to check out:

• Read Karl’s Bad Ass Blog First of B-List
• Subscribe to The Gentlemen’s Guide to Midnite Cinema on iTunes
• Check Out The Gentlemen’s BLOG to Midnite Cinema
• The Gentlemen’s Facebook Page

Big and Hairy (1998): Like Your Mom

I first became aware of Big and Hairy when the Queen of Incredible herself, Emily of The Deadly Dolls House of Horror Nonsense reviewed it way back in 2012. Her review was the beginning of a legacy, as soon Emily was kind enough to send her copy of the film to The Magnificent Seven Inches himself, Justin “McMuffin” Oberholtzer, who then reviewed it over at his Movienalia blog. While that would seem like a fitting place to end the saga of Big and Hairy, somehow, someway, Emily’s copy of Big and Hairy made its way to my doorstep, and now I, Mattsuzaka, will end this Big and Hairy trilogy in disappointing fashion.

Directed by Philip Spink and based on a NOVEL?! by Brian Daly, 1998’s Big and Hairy is about a kid named Picasso (Robert Burke), who has been forced to relocate from Chicago (it’s ALWAYS Chicago!) to a small island town due to his father landing a great job making *ahem* lawn ornaments. Picasso is having trouble with adjusting to this new place, so to fit in he joins the basketball team that seems to have forgotten that basketball season ends in March (the film is set during the holiday season). However, there’s one issue: Picasso sucks at basketball. When he is first introduced, Picasso has the opportunity to get a big win for his team, the Lawn Ornaments, so long as he can make a couple foul shots. Of course, Picasso chokes, costing the team the game, which should not be a surprise seeing as there wouldn't be any conflict if he was a baller.

Picasso is labeled by his classmates as a “choker,” which to me seems a lot better than being called Picasso, but thankfully he has a supportive coach, Mr. Donovan (Greg Thirloway). Coach Donovan is the kind of fair and balanced coach who, despite popular opinion, will play every kid, no matter how good or bad they are, which is certainly the right thing to do, if you ask me. Though the wrong thing to do is to tuck your polo shirt into your khakis without a belt on. That shit is unacceptable.  

Picasso also receives a lot of support from his loving parents, who are played by Chilton Crane and the always gross Richard Thomas. I have to be candid here and say that Picasso’s parents are, without a doubt, the worst people on the face of the celluloid planet. They're basically a couple of weird hippy parents who dress in Christmas tree skirts and name their kids PIcasso. While they are clearly meant to be funny and over-the-top, I couldn’t help but want to toss gasoline on them before pushing them into a pit of lava, and that was before the scene where they do an interpretive dance, during a game, to a fake version of Stuck In the Middle with You. I fucking hate them.

Anyway, Picasso is still without any real friends, and worse yet, if the Lawn Ornaments can’t get into the *fill-in-the-blank* tournament, then Coach Donovan will be fired. What’s a Picasso to do? Well, the obvious answer is befriending a Bigfoot who is not only friendly but totally nasty at basketball! PERFECT! Not only does Picasso now have a friend to hang out with, he also gets his new buddy to join the basketball team, which results in the Lawn Ornaments crushing every team they face.

Bigfoot (or Ed as they have named him) takes the small town by storm, and soon both Picasso and Ed are the coolest dudes in school, something that seems a little odd seeing as Ed is a SASQUATCH! As Emily perfectly pointed out in her wonderful review of the film, no one seems to give a toss that there is a Sasquatch playing basketball and going to school, let alone that one actually exists. Whether or not Ed seems out of place being, you know, a Sass, I would think that having a dude that hairy around would be unpleasant. Like, there is no possible way that this dude doesn’t smell like total ass. I can imagine his breath is rank, he has to have some serious dingleberries, and I’m sure piss dribbles down his leg and dries onto his fur every time he takes a leak. Try to tell me otherwise.

When it comes to Ed, the only thing that anyone cares about is whether or not the rule book allows him to play basketball. Now, while there’s no rule against a monster playing ball against a bunch of kids, there is a rule against having 13 players. This results in Picasso quitting the team, something that will only lead to his eventual comeback where he steps up and makes the winning shot. Oh, SPOILER ALERT! Sorry.

This release of Big and Hairy comes from Feature Films for Families (which also released The Buttercream Gang), a company based out of Utah and led by Forrest S. Baker III, who, at his best, looks like a rapist. Anyway, this disc’s “special features” includes a special message from Baker III himself, who (couldn’t look any rapier) talks about how their releases contain no profanity, sexuality, violence, or vulgarity. Hunter III believes that rated R movies have a negative impact on society, so he is here to save the world (so he can rape it), but not before he asks for a donation.

While I have no love for loser Feature Films for Families, I will not hold that against Big and Hairy, which is most likely a film that the Mormon company has nothing to do with outside of buying the rights so they can release it on DVD. Though, seeing as they are a company the cleanses the human soul from sin, it’s likely that they edited some content out of Big and Hairy to make it more family friendly, which means there are no Sass on human sex scenes. Oh, well, there’s always that Farrah Abraham porno if you’d like to fill that void.

Sadly, there is no trailer for Big and Hairy, so to make it up to you I will leave you with this nice man:

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972): Shriek in Heavenly Peace

It’s Christmas Eve in a small New England town where the owner of the long-abandoned Butler Estate, Jeremy Butler (James Patterson), is looking to unload his property and the many horrific secrets it contains, which include deception, sexual abuse and murder.  

Directed by Theodore Gershuny, Silent Night, Bloody Night is a holiday themed slasher film that employs many of the traits that would come to be standard fare for the genre in the years following its release. You have a secluded location, a mysterious killer who stalks potential victims (sometimes by way of menacing phone calls) before going in for the kill, and while not overly violent by any means, there is certainly some effective bloodletting to be had by way of various types of murder weapons. Point-of-view is impressively utilized to show the world from the unknown killer’s perspective, something that would go on to become a slasher standard after the success of John Carpenter’s Halloween.  

Of course, slasher films in general were greatly inspired by the Giallo films from Italy, and regardless of being the earliest example of a proper holiday slasher film – even predating Black Christmas by a few years – Silent Night, Bloody Night certainly owes a huge debt to the Gialli that came before it. This comes specifically with the tactic of featuring an unknown assailant adorned with black leather gloves as well as the attempts to misdirect the viewer with a handful of mostly ineffective red herrings.

When it comes to the actual story, it’s fair to say that Silent Night, Bloody Night has a lot going on. My brief description from the start of this post barely scratches the surface, as the film is so plot heavy that nearly 50% of the movie requires narration, much of which is provided by the movie’s lead character, Diane (played by a lovely Mary Woronov). Using voice over for expositional purposes is, for all intents and purposes, a cheap tactic; however, Silent Night, Bloody Night has such an ambitious plot that narration is quite necessary. Furthermore, the narration is used well and actually adds to the overall atmosphere that the film gives off.

What sets Silent Night, Bloody Night apart from many holiday slasher films is the creepy tone it so perfectly exudes. Despite its incredibly low-budget, there lies a tangible layer of Gothic ambience that is quite similar to films such as Night of the Living Dead and Carnival of Souls. Silent Night, Bloody Night has a cold feeling about it, and not just in the physical sense. There’s a somberness about all aspects of the film, as it emanates a feeling of complete and utter despair, something of which comes through in everything from the locations, the set design, the music, the pace, and of course the exceptional cinematography by Adam Giffard.

Where everything seems to come together both in terms of plot and filmmaking technique is best portrayed in the film’s final act with a flashback sequence that runs nearly 13 minutes long. This sequence reveals the dark and demented history of the Butler Estate that has plagued the residents of the surrounding community for over 20 years. Blanketed beneath a hauntingly effective rendition of “Silent Night,” the surreal sepia tone photography hypnotically entrances the viewer into a world where a foreboding sense of madness is imminent. What is revealed in these moments is both fascinating and frightening, and these elements are greatly elevated in the way the segment is technically put together.

I’ve had the opportunity to see Silent Night, Bloody Night on a handful of occasions over the years – even reviewing it back in 2009 – and it’s come to be one of my favorite holiday set horror films. Film Chest recently released restored the film for DVD, and the difference between their restoration and any copy I have seen on YouTube or from a Mill Creek set is quite incredible. However, that’s not to say the film looks amazing, as this release is still filled with many imperfections, all of which can be forgiven considering Film Chest likely cannot afford to do extensive cleanup.

Silent Night, Bloody Night is a fine example of that rare perfect storm where a low-budget and artistry come together to concoct a film that is vastly more brilliant than its hokey, yet evocative title would ever allude to. If you are a fan of the movie, then the Film Chest upgrade is worth the money in my opinion. On the other hand, if you are curious about the film and aren’t quite ready to drop some cash on a DVD release, the full movie is available all over YouTube. Just be aware that the quality is going to be pretty shoddy.