Big and Hairy (1998): Like Your Mom

I first became aware of Big and Hairy when the Queen of Incredible herself, Emily of The Deadly Dolls House of Horror Nonsense reviewed it way back in 2012. Her review was the beginning of a legacy, as soon Emily was kind enough to send her copy of the film to The Magnificent Seven Inches himself, Justin “McMuffin” Oberholtzer, who then reviewed it over at his Movienalia blog. While that would seem like a fitting place to end the saga of Big and Hairy, somehow, someway, Emily’s copy of Big and Hairy made its way to my doorstep, and now I, Mattsuzaka, will end this Big and Hairy trilogy in disappointing fashion.

Directed by Philip Spink and based on a NOVEL?! by Brian Daly, 1998’s Big and Hairy is about a kid named Picasso (Robert Burke), who has been forced to relocate from Chicago (it’s ALWAYS Chicago!) to a small island town due to his father landing a great job making *ahem* lawn ornaments. Picasso is having trouble with adjusting to this new place, so to fit in he joins the basketball team that seems to have forgotten that basketball season ends in March (the film is set during the holiday season). However, there’s one issue: Picasso sucks at basketball. When he is first introduced, Picasso has the opportunity to get a big win for his team, the Lawn Ornaments, so long as he can make a couple foul shots. Of course, Picasso chokes, costing the team the game, which should not be a surprise seeing as there wouldn't be any conflict if he was a baller.

Picasso is labeled by his classmates as a “choker,” which to me seems a lot better than being called Picasso, but thankfully he has a supportive coach, Mr. Donovan (Greg Thirloway). Coach Donovan is the kind of fair and balanced coach who, despite popular opinion, will play every kid, no matter how good or bad they are, which is certainly the right thing to do, if you ask me. Though the wrong thing to do is to tuck your polo shirt into your khakis without a belt on. That shit is unacceptable.  

Picasso also receives a lot of support from his loving parents, who are played by Chilton Crane and the always gross Richard Thomas. I have to be candid here and say that Picasso’s parents are, without a doubt, the worst people on the face of the celluloid planet. They're basically a couple of weird hippy parents who dress in Christmas tree skirts and name their kids PIcasso. While they are clearly meant to be funny and over-the-top, I couldn’t help but want to toss gasoline on them before pushing them into a pit of lava, and that was before the scene where they do an interpretive dance, during a game, to a fake version of Stuck In the Middle with You. I fucking hate them.

Anyway, Picasso is still without any real friends, and worse yet, if the Lawn Ornaments can’t get into the *fill-in-the-blank* tournament, then Coach Donovan will be fired. What’s a Picasso to do? Well, the obvious answer is befriending a Bigfoot who is not only friendly but totally nasty at basketball! PERFECT! Not only does Picasso now have a friend to hang out with, he also gets his new buddy to join the basketball team, which results in the Lawn Ornaments crushing every team they face.

Bigfoot (or Ed as they have named him) takes the small town by storm, and soon both Picasso and Ed are the coolest dudes in school, something that seems a little odd seeing as Ed is a SASQUATCH! As Emily perfectly pointed out in her wonderful review of the film, no one seems to give a toss that there is a Sasquatch playing basketball and going to school, let alone that one actually exists. Whether or not Ed seems out of place being, you know, a Sass, I would think that having a dude that hairy around would be unpleasant. Like, there is no possible way that this dude doesn’t smell like total ass. I can imagine his breath is rank, he has to have some serious dingleberries, and I’m sure piss dribbles down his leg and dries onto his fur every time he takes a leak. Try to tell me otherwise.

When it comes to Ed, the only thing that anyone cares about is whether or not the rule book allows him to play basketball. Now, while there’s no rule against a monster playing ball against a bunch of kids, there is a rule against having 13 players. This results in Picasso quitting the team, something that will only lead to his eventual comeback where he steps up and makes the winning shot. Oh, SPOILER ALERT! Sorry.

This release of Big and Hairy comes from Feature Films for Families (which also released The Buttercream Gang), a company based out of Utah and led by Forrest S. Baker III, who, at his best, looks like a rapist. Anyway, this disc’s “special features” includes a special message from Baker III himself, who (couldn’t look any rapier) talks about how their releases contain no profanity, sexuality, violence, or vulgarity. Hunter III believes that rated R movies have a negative impact on society, so he is here to save the world (so he can rape it), but not before he asks for a donation.

While I have no love for loser Feature Films for Families, I will not hold that against Big and Hairy, which is most likely a film that the Mormon company has nothing to do with outside of buying the rights so they can release it on DVD. Though, seeing as they are a company the cleanses the human soul from sin, it’s likely that they edited some content out of Big and Hairy to make it more family friendly, which means there are no Sass on human sex scenes. Oh, well, there’s always that Farrah Abraham porno if you’d like to fill that void.

Sadly, there is no trailer for Big and Hairy, so to make it up to you I will leave you with this nice man:

Silent Night, Bloody Night (1972): Shriek in Heavenly Peace

It’s Christmas Eve in a small New England town where the owner of the long-abandoned Butler Estate, Jeremy Butler (James Patterson), is looking to unload his property and the many horrific secrets it contains, which include deception, sexual abuse and murder.  

Directed by Theodore Gershuny, Silent Night, Bloody Night is a holiday themed slasher film that employs many of the traits that would come to be standard fare for the genre in the years following its release. You have a secluded location, a mysterious killer who stalks potential victims (sometimes by way of menacing phone calls) before going in for the kill, and while not overly violent by any means, there is certainly some effective bloodletting to be had by way of various types of murder weapons. Point-of-view is impressively utilized to show the world from the unknown killer’s perspective, something that would go on to become a slasher standard after the success of John Carpenter’s Halloween.  

Of course, slasher films in general were greatly inspired by the Giallo films from Italy, and regardless of being the earliest example of a proper holiday slasher film – even predating Black Christmas by a few years – Silent Night, Bloody Night certainly owes a huge debt to the Gialli that came before it. This comes specifically with the tactic of featuring an unknown assailant adorned with black leather gloves as well as the attempts to misdirect the viewer with a handful of mostly ineffective red herrings.

When it comes to the actual story, it’s fair to say that Silent Night, Bloody Night has a lot going on. My brief description from the start of this post barely scratches the surface, as the film is so plot heavy that nearly 50% of the movie requires narration, much of which is provided by the movie’s lead character, Diane (played by a lovely Mary Woronov). Using voice over for expositional purposes is, for all intents and purposes, a cheap tactic; however, Silent Night, Bloody Night has such an ambitious plot that narration is quite necessary. Furthermore, the narration is used well and actually adds to the overall atmosphere that the film gives off.

What sets Silent Night, Bloody Night apart from many holiday slasher films is the creepy tone it so perfectly exudes. Despite its incredibly low-budget, there lies a tangible layer of Gothic ambience that is quite similar to films such as Night of the Living Dead and Carnival of Souls. Silent Night, Bloody Night has a cold feeling about it, and not just in the physical sense. There’s a somberness about all aspects of the film, as it emanates a feeling of complete and utter despair, something of which comes through in everything from the locations, the set design, the music, the pace, and of course the exceptional cinematography by Adam Giffard.

Where everything seems to come together both in terms of plot and filmmaking technique is best portrayed in the film’s final act with a flashback sequence that runs nearly 13 minutes long. This sequence reveals the dark and demented history of the Butler Estate that has plagued the residents of the surrounding community for over 20 years. Blanketed beneath a hauntingly effective rendition of “Silent Night,” the surreal sepia tone photography hypnotically entrances the viewer into a world where a foreboding sense of madness is imminent. What is revealed in these moments is both fascinating and frightening, and these elements are greatly elevated in the way the segment is technically put together.

I’ve had the opportunity to see Silent Night, Bloody Night on a handful of occasions over the years – even reviewing it back in 2009 – and it’s come to be one of my favorite holiday set horror films. Film Chest recently released restored the film for DVD, and the difference between their restoration and any copy I have seen on YouTube or from a Mill Creek set is quite incredible. However, that’s not to say the film looks amazing, as this release is still filled with many imperfections, all of which can be forgiven considering Film Chest likely cannot afford to do extensive cleanup.

Silent Night, Bloody Night is a fine example of that rare perfect storm where a low-budget and artistry come together to concoct a film that is vastly more brilliant than its hokey, yet evocative title would ever allude to. If you are a fan of the movie, then the Film Chest upgrade is worth the money in my opinion. On the other hand, if you are curious about the film and aren’t quite ready to drop some cash on a DVD release, the full movie is available all over YouTube. Just be aware that the quality is going to be pretty shoddy.

Salute Your Shorts: The Winter Stalker (2009)

A woman is unknowingly stalked by an obsessive madman who has spent every waking moment watching her every move. After so much time has been spent learning all the ins and outs of this young, innocent woman, the time has come for the man to pay her a visit and do to her what he truly believes must be done. What ensues is an event that will surprise viewers as much as it will shock them.

Written, directed and produced by Stephen Reedy, The Winter Stalker is a 2 minute short film that takes place on Christmas Eve. While the short is indeed very brief, The Winter Stalker’s concept is both nicely executed and effective, delivering a perfectly misleading horror story without any unnecessary bloat.

Give it a watch for yourself, and feel free to let me know your thoughts afterwards!

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas Holiday Special (1994)

It’s Christmas Eve, and Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael are about to wrap some Christmas presents when they realize that no one picked up a gift for Master Splinter. Worse yet, everything is closing soon! The only way to rectify this turtlelly terrible situation is to hit the streets and sing a bunch of shitty versions of Christmas songs while they search for gifts.  

Released in 1994, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is a live action, direct-to-video Christmas Special featuring everyone’s favorite pizza eating sewer dwellers, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We’ve seen the Turtles go through a variety of changes since their incarnation back in 1984, with a fluctuation that has ranged from being quite serious to pretty silly. But the Turtles seen in this Christmas special are possibly the most ridiculous they’ve been, being light years away from the heavy metal listening, violent characters created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird.

Currently bestowed with a solid 2 out of 10 on IMDB, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas features the most ratchet version of the turtles imaginable. Their mouths hardly move, and if they do, they certainly aren’t in sync with what they are saying/singing. Furthermore, the voice acting is as broke as M.C. Hammer, but what would you expect from a group of characters covered in visible zippers? Maybe that’s just a part of the mutation.

Terrible costuming and voice acting be damned, for the real bad of this really bad Christmas special has to be the wall-to-wall musical numbers. We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is overflowing with offensively bad music that comes in a variety of awful flavors. Songs range from a reggae tune to a hip-hop song, fittingly titled Wrap Rap, which naturally occurs as the turtles are wrapping presents. There’s a scene where Michelangelo sings an opera song, and of course there are a number of holiday classics, all of which are given a TMNT makeover.

For example:

“Deck the Halls with pepperoni

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la

Mustard, eggplant and bologna

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la”

However, the cream of the crap-crop comes during a moment where I could not help but verbally exclaim, “Splinter, NO!!,” and that comes when Master Splinter spits his version of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Which in this case should be renamed The Twelve Hammers I Want to Lodge Into My Cranium Simply So I Can End this Pain Days of Christmas. But as bad as this never-ending song is, however, I am almost more offended by the gifts that the turtles give to Splinter, which include a framed pizza, videos games, a skateboard, yo-yos – you know, the kind of stuff that Master Splinter would love to own if he were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and not Master Splinter.

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas culminates in an epic musical number ending that features a slew of street kids dancing in the background like generic strippers to the titular song, which seems like a brilliantly thought out idea. I mean, it’s not as if the turtles are trying to keep a low profile or anything. You know, it’s not like they’re teenage mutant ninja turtles who live in the sewers with a human sized rat that wears a robe and practices kung-fu.

In closing, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is bad on a level that is challenging for my mind to absorb without creating a stream of blood pouring from my nose. But at the same time, I kind of love it, which I guess speaks to my tolerance for shit. I know there are those of you out there who, like me, will get a kick out of this one for how awful it is, but be forewarned, for there are moments where you will question your sanity.

You can watch We Wish You A Turtle Christmas in three parts on YouTube. If you can make it through all three parts, that is.

The Thirteenth Day of Christmas (1985): Unwrapping Madness

It’s the thirteenth day of Christmas, and Gilbert (Patrick Allen) and his wife, Evie (Elizabeth Spriggs), are enjoying an evening drinking wine and playing cards with some old friends. The night is going well, that is until Gilbert and Evie’s mentally ill son, Richard (John Wheatley), shows up and puts an uncomfortable damper on the evening. The night grows increasingly intense, however, as Richard’s mental stability slowly crumbles to the point of complete madness.

Through conversation between Gilbert, Evie and their friends, it is learned that Richard has spent some time in a mental institution. It also becomes very clear that Gilbert has little-to-no patience for his son’s condition, and would rather see him sent back to a mental institution than creating chaos for the entire family. This sets up a good conflict for the story in that it’s easy to feel sympathetic for Richard, as his father is angered by his situation while his mother is somewhat fearful of it, therefore Richard likely isn’t getting the support he needs to stay mentality stable.

On the other hand, Richard is a Grade A nut job, so it’s difficult not for feel a shred of sympathy for Gilbert and Evie, who have to constantly deal with someone who is so often potentially hostile. Richard’s the kind of person who must always be handled with kid gloves, and any wrong move can cause a chain reaction that results in a psychotic explosion.

The strength of The Thirteenth Day of Christmas comes from the way it portrays the feeling that comes from being around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. That whacked out person who just keeps talking nonsense to you and becomes increasingly agitated with each minute that progresses. Your response is driven by the fear of making this type of person even more upset, which could cause an eruption that ends in violence, so you simply force a smile and hope for it all to end as soon as possible.

Directed by Patrick Lau, The Thirteenth Day of Christmas is one of six entries of Time for Murder, a UK television series that focused on hour long stories of mystery and suspense. Seeing as The Thirteenth Day of Christmas was made for UK television, it features a visual aesthetic similar to that of old episodes of PBS’s Masterpiece Theater, which in and of itself gives the episode a natural atmosphere on a visual level. However, there are times where I felt as if there was something missing; something that hindered the atmosphere and tension. And this is especially true during the episode’s second half.

The one real flaw of The Thirteenth Day of Christmas is that it is missing a key component necessary to building tension, and that’s music; something of which is not at all prevalent until the closing credits. Strangely, I neglected to notice the lack of music until the closing credits rolled, but the second I heard it, I knew that a slow, somber, holiday inspired score could have gone a long way to add to the effect that this one has. It’s unfortunate that something so simple can take away from the great build up of Richard’s descent into madness, but I suppose that shows just how important music is when it comes to movies and television.

Dear Santa: Abraham Whistler

Salute Your Shorts: Father Christmas (2011)

It’s Christmas Eve, and the Williamson family are gathered around the fire, enjoying each other's company, when one of the family members discovers an audio cassette from Christmas, 1991. The tape brings about some difficult memories for some of the family members; however, what they learn when they actually listen to the tape is far more horrific than any of them could have ever anticipated.

Made for the 48 hour Bloodshots Canada horror filmmaking contest, Father Christmas was created by the Vancouver based sketch comedy troupe MegaSteakMan. Regardless of being a comedy group, the team behind MegaSteakMan takes a serious approach to Father Christmas and are quite successful in doing so. In its brief running time, Father Christmas presents an effective tale of terror that makes for a nice treat for those of you looking for something a little darker this holiday season.

Give Father Christmas a watch below, and please share your thoughts afterwards!