We Wish You A Turtle Christmas Holiday Special (1994)

It’s Christmas Eve, and Leonardo, Donatello, Michelangelo, and Raphael are about to wrap some Christmas presents when they realize that no one picked up a gift for Master Splinter. Worse yet, everything is closing soon! The only way to rectify this turtlelly terrible situation is to hit the streets and sing a bunch of shitty versions of Christmas songs while they search for gifts.  

Released in 1994, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is a live action, direct-to-video Christmas Special featuring everyone’s favorite pizza eating sewer dwellers, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. We’ve seen the Turtles go through a variety of changes since their incarnation back in 1984, with a fluctuation that has ranged from being quite serious to pretty silly. But the Turtles seen in this Christmas special are possibly the most ridiculous they’ve been, being light years away from the heavy metal listening, violent characters created by Kevin Eastman and Peter Laird.

Currently bestowed with a solid 2 out of 10 on IMDB, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas features the most ratchet version of the turtles imaginable. Their mouths hardly move, and if they do, they certainly aren’t in sync with what they are saying/singing. Furthermore, the voice acting is as broke as M.C. Hammer, but what would you expect from a group of characters covered in visible zippers? Maybe that’s just a part of the mutation.

Terrible costuming and voice acting be damned, for the real bad of this really bad Christmas special has to be the wall-to-wall musical numbers. We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is overflowing with offensively bad music that comes in a variety of awful flavors. Songs range from a reggae tune to a hip-hop song, fittingly titled Wrap Rap, which naturally occurs as the turtles are wrapping presents. There’s a scene where Michelangelo sings an opera song, and of course there are a number of holiday classics, all of which are given a TMNT makeover.

For example:

“Deck the Halls with pepperoni

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la

Mustard, eggplant and bologna

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la la”

However, the cream of the crap-crop comes during a moment where I could not help but verbally exclaim, “Splinter, NO!!,” and that comes when Master Splinter spits his version of The Twelve Days of Christmas. Which in this case should be renamed The Twelve Hammers I Want to Lodge Into My Cranium Simply So I Can End this Pain Days of Christmas. But as bad as this never-ending song is, however, I am almost more offended by the gifts that the turtles give to Splinter, which include a framed pizza, videos games, a skateboard, yo-yos – you know, the kind of stuff that Master Splinter would love to own if he were a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle and not Master Splinter.

We Wish You A Turtle Christmas culminates in an epic musical number ending that features a slew of street kids dancing in the background like generic strippers to the titular song, which seems like a brilliantly thought out idea. I mean, it’s not as if the turtles are trying to keep a low profile or anything. You know, it’s not like they’re teenage mutant ninja turtles who live in the sewers with a human sized rat that wears a robe and practices kung-fu.

In closing, We Wish You A Turtle Christmas is bad on a level that is challenging for my mind to absorb without creating a stream of blood pouring from my nose. But at the same time, I kind of love it, which I guess speaks to my tolerance for shit. I know there are those of you out there who, like me, will get a kick out of this one for how awful it is, but be forewarned, for there are moments where you will question your sanity.

You can watch We Wish You A Turtle Christmas in three parts on YouTube. If you can make it through all three parts, that is.

The Thirteenth Day of Christmas (1985): Unwrapping Madness

It’s the thirteenth day of Christmas, and Gilbert (Patrick Allen) and his wife, Evie (Elizabeth Spriggs), are enjoying an evening drinking wine and playing cards with some old friends. The night is going well, that is until Gilbert and Evie’s mentally ill son, Richard (John Wheatley), shows up and puts an uncomfortable damper on the evening. The night grows increasingly intense, however, as Richard’s mental stability slowly crumbles to the point of complete madness.

Through conversation between Gilbert, Evie and their friends, it is learned that Richard has spent some time in a mental institution. It also becomes very clear that Gilbert has little-to-no patience for his son’s condition, and would rather see him sent back to a mental institution than creating chaos for the entire family. This sets up a good conflict for the story in that it’s easy to feel sympathetic for Richard, as his father is angered by his situation while his mother is somewhat fearful of it, therefore Richard likely isn’t getting the support he needs to stay mentality stable.

On the other hand, Richard is a Grade A nut job, so it’s difficult not for feel a shred of sympathy for Gilbert and Evie, who have to constantly deal with someone who is so often potentially hostile. Richard’s the kind of person who must always be handled with kid gloves, and any wrong move can cause a chain reaction that results in a psychotic explosion.

The strength of The Thirteenth Day of Christmas comes from the way it portrays the feeling that comes from being around someone who makes you feel uncomfortable. That whacked out person who just keeps talking nonsense to you and becomes increasingly agitated with each minute that progresses. Your response is driven by the fear of making this type of person even more upset, which could cause an eruption that ends in violence, so you simply force a smile and hope for it all to end as soon as possible.

Directed by Patrick Lau, The Thirteenth Day of Christmas is one of six entries of Time for Murder, a UK television series that focused on hour long stories of mystery and suspense. Seeing as The Thirteenth Day of Christmas was made for UK television, it features a visual aesthetic similar to that of old episodes of PBS’s Masterpiece Theater, which in and of itself gives the episode a natural atmosphere on a visual level. However, there are times where I felt as if there was something missing; something that hindered the atmosphere and tension. And this is especially true during the episode’s second half.

The one real flaw of The Thirteenth Day of Christmas is that it is missing a key component necessary to building tension, and that’s music; something of which is not at all prevalent until the closing credits. Strangely, I neglected to notice the lack of music until the closing credits rolled, but the second I heard it, I knew that a slow, somber, holiday inspired score could have gone a long way to add to the effect that this one has. It’s unfortunate that something so simple can take away from the great build up of Richard’s descent into madness, but I suppose that shows just how important music is when it comes to movies and television.

Dear Santa: Abraham Whistler

Salute Your Shorts: Father Christmas (2011)

It’s Christmas Eve, and the Williamson family are gathered around the fire, enjoying each other's company, when one of the family members discovers an audio cassette from Christmas, 1991. The tape brings about some difficult memories for some of the family members; however, what they learn when they actually listen to the tape is far more horrific than any of them could have ever anticipated.

Made for the 48 hour Bloodshots Canada horror filmmaking contest, Father Christmas was created by the Vancouver based sketch comedy troupe MegaSteakMan. Regardless of being a comedy group, the team behind MegaSteakMan takes a serious approach to Father Christmas and are quite successful in doing so. In its brief running time, Father Christmas presents an effective tale of terror that makes for a nice treat for those of you looking for something a little darker this holiday season.

Give Father Christmas a watch below, and please share your thoughts afterwards!

Jack Frost (1997): Frost Bitten, Twice Shy

En route to his execution, mass murderer Jack Frost (Scott MacDonald) is killed after being involved in an auto accident with a vehicle containing a top secret hazardous material that turns the madman into a living, breathing, pun-spewing killer snowman made out of fabric and oversized oven mitts. And what’s worse than a living, breathing, pun-spewing killer snowman made out of fabric and oversized oven mitts? A living, breathing, pun-spewing killer snowman made out of fabric and oversized oven mitts that’s looking to take vengeance on the small town sheriff that had him put away.

1997’s Jack Frost specializes in overly ridiculous entertainment. It’s pretty much inherent to the storyline, as the moment you mention “killer snowman” it is impossible to hold back some sort of an eye raising smirk. When a filmmaker comes up with an idea as goofy as a killer snowman, the best thing to do is embrace the humor of the situation, which is exactly what director Michael Cooney does with Jack Frost. Jack Frost is as much a stupid horror movie as it is a foolish comedy, which can be a difficult balancing act, especially if you aren’t able to deliver some genuine laughs.

As a comedy, Jack Frost has some genuinely humorous moments; however, while some of the jokes land well, there are also plenty that fall flat. At times, certain situations are effectively more humorous than their execution, and the fact that the film avoids going too far over the top and into that late-era Troma type of territory makes it an infinitely more tolerable watch. That’s not to say that Jack Frost isn’t over the top, because it is; it’s just far less obnoxious than it could be.

Jack Frost is notable as the film debut of Shannon Elizabeth. However, it’s even more notable for being the film where Shannon Elizabeth’s character, Jill, is raped by Jack Frost while taking a bath. The sight of a killer snowman sexually abusing a girl with his carrot is mind-bogglingly outrageous. In fact, the entire situation is as stupid as it is funny as it is offensive, but if it wasn’t all three of those things, then it certainly wouldn’t be nearly as memorable a scene as it is.

 

*Obligatory paragraph dedicated to the Michael Keaton starring Jack frost and the irony that comes from two human/snowman movies being released within a few years of one another, yet one is a family film while the other is a low-grade horror flick*

Director Michael Cooney has a very scant amount of directing credits to his name. Three to be exact -- with two of them being of the Jack Frost variety. His writing credits are slightly more impressive (save for that horrific ending to 2003’s Identity), but I think it’s safe to say that he will forever be associated with the creation of Jack Frost. I suppose things could be worse for someone in the film business. It’s better to be remembered as the guy who wrote and directed those killer snowman movies than the guy that no one remembers at all. And no amount of antifreeze can take that away from him.

Outside of a few exceptions, 1996 wasn’t a banner year for what you could call great horror cinema. The year brought about a bevy of awful direct to video sequels to franchises that had already long overstayed their welcome. On the other end, there were some original movies that hit the horror scene, but many of those ended up being toilet bound. It’s tough to say if the toilet is the destination for a film like Jack Frost, as it’s simply one of those movies that will draw the ire of some while bringing a certain joy to others. I suppose it all comes down to the type of movie fan you are.

Death-cember: The Fruitcake of Holiday Celebrations

While the holiday season began in September, you know, if you’ve stepped foot into any retail outlet in the last four months, nothing truly kicks the season of sadness off quite like the first day of DEATH-CEMBER! For those of you who aren’t hip to what Death-cember is selling, I shall give you the quick rundown: during the entire month of December, I place my focus on movies that are either holiday related or feature a wintry setting. Simple enough, right?

Anyway, over the past few years, Death-cember has, unfortunately, been a little neglected, which is mostly due to Chucktober fatigue. However, this season I plan to bring da pain and deliver a Death-cember worthy of at least 10 solid minutes of your time. But you don’t have to take my word for it, just take a look at what’s in store for you this holla-day season:

Now if that lineup that doesn’t unwrap your candy cane, then I don’t know what will! So without any further adoo-doo, let’s get this panty party started!

Ninjavember: Bionic Ninja (1986)

When the average person thinks of ninja movies, director Godfrey Ho often comes to mind. Actually, scratch that. When cult/genre movie geeks think of ninja movies, director Godfrey Ho often comes to mind. While Ho is a filmmaker who is often associated with the ninja genre, it is very rarely done so in a respectable fashion. In fact, outside of a small handful of movies, much of Ho’s work is what many would consider to be so bad it’s good, and that’s an opinion that falls firmly on the nicer end of the scale. However, it’s that so bad it’s good symmetry that makes Godfrey Ho’s work in the genre so memorable. Whether or not the average moviegoer can appreciate his brand of cinema, this notoriety is a worthy achievement in my eyes.

Outside of being behind many a ninja film during the genre’s heyday in the ‘80s, Ho is also closely associated with a specific brand of cut-and-paste filmmaking, wherein he would take footage from one film and splice it into footage from any number of other movies. In doing so, Ho effectively, or not really effectively, created a brand new movie altogether, ready to be packed up and sold under a veil of facetiousness. This leads us to Bionic Ninja, a 1986 release that pairs up footage from the 1984 Kent Cheng action/comedy, The Daring Kung Fu Refugee, with footage that Ho directed to give it that much needed ninja edge.

It’s the footage that Ho directed that does its best to drive the “storyline,” focusing on a secret agent named Tommy Foster who is sent to Hong Kong to retrieve a, and I quote, “top technical secret film.” And believe you me, there is nothing more frightening than a secret film, especially when it’s of the top technical variety. The top technical secret film was stolen by a group of KGB hired ninjas––because that’s simply how things work in Godfrey Ho’s world––so Tommy is in for the fight of his life if he wants to retrieve the top technical secret film and save the world from KGB/ninja domination. Or something like that.

While this plot sounds fairly easy to follow, making complete logistical sense even, on a whole Bionic Ninja is a jumbled mess of random scenes from a Godfrey Ho directed movie about ninjas mixed with another movie that’s not about ninjas. It only takes me about 5 minutes before I am completely lost in this flick, something that happens with a fair amount of Ho’s movies. I don’t even know why I try to comprehend what is happening on screen, because it only results in a migraine inducing level of thought not worthy of my miniscule brain power.

There are portions of Bionic Ninja where my mind goes numb in a fashion that causes my soul to exit my body, look down on my physical self, and spew judgment at my movie choice for the evening. This is partially due to the complexity of the plot (of which there isn’t any) as much as it has to do with the long scenes of unnecessary dialogue, all of which come from the portions of Bionic Ninja not directed by Ho. The entire thing clearly does not fit together, so anything that isn’t top technical secret film related only works as boring and confusing. With that said, the martial arts in the scenes taken from The Daring Kung Fu Refugee are legitimately good, and exude a level of competence unsuitable to the project as a whole.

But where The Daring Kung Fu Refugee delivers some solid martial arts action, it is the portions of Bionic Ninja that are directed by Godfrey Ho that truly make the film a reasonably entertaining watch. Despite his reputation as a cut-and-paste filmmaker, Ho certainly knows how to deliver the cheesy goods, something that he does in spades with his portion of Bionic Ninja.

This is especially true with Tommy Foster, who can often be seen wearing a yellow tank top with matching yellow sweatpants, complete with dirt stains on his backside. When Tommy’s isn’t busy trying to locate the top technical secret film, he rocks his days away training with the heart and ferocity of a lion. This results in some brilliant scenes of Tommy practicing his tumbling, fine-tuning his swordplay and working on his shuriken throwing skills, all of which are done in a public park. Because that’s completely legal.

Seeing as Bionic Ninja is a ninja film, and a bionic one at that *SPOILER* there are no bionic ninjas *SPOILER END*, the ninjas do play an integral role in the ridiculousness that the film serves up. Here are a few examples of the ninja antics found in Bionic Ninja:

• The KGB hired ninja clan (I could stop there) are led by the always elusive “White Ninja.”
• Ninjas have the ability to realistically jump cut into and out of a scene at any given moment. Ninjas take a cab.
• Ninjas take a cab without their ninja masks on, which I think defeats the purpose of being a ninja.
• Ninjas always move in synchronized motions.
• The final battle consists of the inevitable white ninja VS. red ninja, which is equal parts ridiculous and awesome.

Anyway, I think you smell what my ninja smoke bomb is cooking.

While not coming even close to being a highlight on Godfrey Ho’s filmography, Bionic Ninja is enjoyable enough for those who enjoy the filmmaker’s work. The enjoyment of the movie comes from the hilarity that Ho brought to the table, which makes me wish he had simply made an entire movie full of Tommy/top technical secret film action. If that had been the case, we might have ended up with something closer to the insanely enjoyable Undefeatable, instead of the typical hit or miss patchwork film that Ho is best known for.

This Ninjatastic review is in conjunction with NINJAVEMBER, a special ninja themed blog-a-thon hosted by the menacing yellow ninja, Karl Brezdin. Head over to the deserted island ninja training camp known as Fist of B-List to keep up with all the ninjacentric goodies to come!