Salute Your Shorts: Waffle

Sliding in just over 5 minutes, Waffle is a cautionary tale that enlightens its viewer to the horrible things can happen when one hides their true colors in a deceitful way. The short focuses on two very different high school girls. Wendy is the school reject with a horrific facial deformity, while Dana is a seemingly popular girl who has the looks to match her social status. While at first glance these two young women appear to have absolutely nothing in common, it is Wendy who always finds a way to win the school science fair each and every year, and Dana wants to see an end to her reign. Why would the good-looking, popular girl want to win a science fair? I'm not so sure, but it's an unimportant detail, I suppose.  

Written and directed by Rafael De Leon Jr., Waffle is a well put together short film that whips by so fast there isn't much time for a story to be fleshed out. The viewer is dropped directly into these characters lives with the short opening up just as Dana is eating dinner with Wendy and her mother in their home. Amidst some strange and slightly concerning conversation via Wendy's mom and a few unclear glimpses of Wendy's awful disfigurement, Dana grows uncomfortable, and soon her true intentions are revealed. However, Wendy and her mother have some nefarious intentions of their own. With that comes a quick conclusion that is fun, albeit a little lax with its impact due to there being no investment in the story. To be fair though, it is a short film, so this is less of a complaint and more of an observation. It should be noted that the film does follow a tight and precise three act structure, working as a prime example of how backstory can be properly conveyed when exposition is handled properly.

Waffle is still out and about on the festival circuit for what will probably be the rest of the year, so that would remain to be the only way to see the film as of this moment. However, if you do find yourself in the position (not THAT position!) to see the film, be sure to. It's fun enough and so quick that it's difficult not to claim that it's time well spent. 

A Baby Too Big to be Eaten?! Wah-wah-WHAT?!

Well, Chucktober is all over now, and as I whimper out of the month tired and underwhelmed due to an elongated state of blogging boredom, a less than exciting Halloween, and some personal bullshit, I have to reposition myself to shine that positive smile upon the world. Or something. Depending on my mental state, chances are things will be a little scarce around here, but hopefully that equates to some better quality post by yours truly. Only the finest in dick and fart jokes for my readers, I say!   

Anyway, I do have some classy content to share with you, but that content is at a place much classier than this, and that is Paracinema. If you feel the need to read about one of the most mind-bendingly strangest films I have ever seen, ever, then head on over to Paracinema to read my review of 1973's The Baby, a film about a baby who is literally too big for his britches.  

Speaking of Paracinema, in the next day or so I will be revealing the winner of the Chucktober DVD/Paracinema Magazine giveaway, so don't fret, freters! All of those who were awesome enough to share some great Halloween traditions with me deserve a big thanks, and I wish you all the best of luck in the upcoming drawing.

And once again, speaking of Paracinema, if you were not already aware, the independently produced cult/genre film magazine was recently picked up for distribution, meaning there's a real good chance you can grab yourself an issue at a store near you! For your convenience, I have provided a list of retailers across the United States and Canada carrying this fine ass bitch of a magazine.

 

Don't be a commie… support your independence by picking up an issue of Paracinema! 

Happy Halloween!

Hope everyone has a frighteningly fantastic Halloween! 

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fruit

WOW! FRUIT! YAY? I mean, you might as well just give me an apple with a razorblade in it. At least I can use the razor to cut your phone line and your electric before I come into your home and take all of the good candy you kept to your asshole self.

It's like QVC but sluttier

You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.

WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!

One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.

Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!

Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.

Goosebumps at 33: Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

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Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

Halloween is just around the corner, and no one is more excited that Drew, a young lady who simply adores the holiday with all her heart. Her anxious best friend, Walker, doesn't quite share the same enthusiasm for Halloween as Drew, but he remains loyal to his adorable best bud nonetheless. Regardless of enjoying the fright and fun that can come from All Hallows' Eve, Drew does not enjoy the horrific practical jokes provided by rival girl/boy duo, Tabby and Lee. You see, Tabby and Lee are a couple of wisecracking practical jokers who will more than likely individually die all alone of old age, just like that little fart Stephanie from The Headless Ghost. Every Halloween, Tabby and Lee find multiple ways to scare the living doodoo out of Drew and Walker, and, like J.Lo, Drew has had enough!

Drew, tired and beaten by the horrific pranks that have plagued her ever so devastatingly, finds herself being lent a helping hand in the form of her two old friends, Shane and Shauna. Shane and Shauna promise to help take revenge on Tabby and Lee, and the only thing that Drew and Walker have to do is invite them to go out trick or treating together. Little do they know this would eventually land Drew, Walker, Tabby and Lee in trick or treat heaven, where all the houses are decorated and contain owners who are handing out multiple candy bars the size of Val Kilmer. Heaven indeed. Also, diabetes indeed, but I guess these kids are young and have a few years before they have to sweat the small stuff. 

As would be expected, massive helpings of beast like candy bars in a neighborhood straight out of my wet dreams is probably not all that it appears, and that is surely the case here. This is where I stop talking about the episode's plot and talk about some other stuff now.

Coming straight outta Compton on October 26, 1996, during the show's second season, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is yet another delightful little outing in the Goosebumps pantheon. The Halloween setting is pretty much an automatic win in my book, and there are plenty of fun and/or ridiculous little moments that are worthy of a smile or two (depending on how many mouths you have, of course).

One of the best moments is when Walker and Drew reveal their horrifically lame Halloween costumes. Walker – who, despite his deceptive name, is not a Texas Ranger – is dressed up as a dark and stormy night (don't even ask) while Drew dresses up as a super hero named, ready for it? Super Drew! Super Drew?! That's a bit of a copout, no? Like, if I put on a pair of tights (which I would never do, 'cause I quit ballet) and a mask, I could say I'm dressed up as Awesome Matt and get free candy? Weak, brah. 

In any event, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is a purrr-fect episode of Goosebumps to enjoy on a dark and spooky Halloween night, and I would be remised if… I'm Sorry. I don't know why I spelled the word perfect like that. Purrr-fect?! I guess I was just trying to be seductive, maybe build up my readership through sex appeal, and now I just look like a big fat idiot. Damn it.

Oh well, until next time, kiddies… 

Chucktober DVD Giveaway!

As I mentioned in my latest Dumpster Diving for Gold vlog post - which I fully expect you will watch at least ten more times… a day - I have picked up a few great films on DVD that I wanted to use as giveaways for my lovely readers. What sort of prompted me to do a giveaway at this time, right in the middle of Chucktober, was a little tweet I laid my eyes on the other day…

  

With this incredibly boner inducing news, I figured what better time to giveaway a copy of Undisputed III: Redemption than with a Scott Adkins tweet claiming that there is indeed a fourth Undisputed film in the works? However, there is one tiny little problem here. I must remind you that it is indeed Chucktober, and it's my vow to try my damnedest to keep all content this month horror related, and Undisputed III is certainly not a horror film (it's a Rom-com). That's where you, good reader, win BIG.

To make this shit Chucktober official, I am not only going to give one lucky winner a used copy of Undisputed III: Redemption, I will also throw in a used copy of Adam Green's fantastic Ski lift horror film, Frozen, just in time for winter!

And you know what, to sweeten the pot even more, I'll even toss in one back issue, of the winner's choice (so long as it's not sold out), of Paracinema Magazine (as well as a few other secret goodies!)!

Now, you're probably thinking, "Matt, this is totally radical, but what's the catch?" Well, it's actually quite simple. With only eight days left until Halloween (YIKES!), I would love if you'd share with me your favorite Halloween tradition. What do you love to do every year, more than anything, during the Halloween season? It can be anything whatsoever, and it doesn't have to be all that elaborate, either. Come up with an answer, leave it in the comments section of this post with your name and email address, and you will be entered, simple as that. The giveaway ends at midnight Friday, October 28th (Eastern Standard), so you have exactly one week from today to leave your answer. Soon afterwards, I will tally all the names of those who enter, drop them in a hat and announce the lucky winner in a vlog.

Two of my favorite movies of 2010, an issue of one of my favorite magazines (after Bear magazine, that is), and all for less than the price of a cup of coffee. What isn't great about that?!

Good luck, and I look forward to your answers!