Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Fruit

WOW! FRUIT! YAY? I mean, you might as well just give me an apple with a razorblade in it. At least I can use the razor to cut your phone line and your electric before I come into your home and take all of the good candy you kept to your asshole self.

It's like QVC but sluttier

You know, it sure is getting cold outside and all, but that don't stop me from wanting to show off my midriff to all the neighborhood boys. The only problem is, all of my dangling belly button rings are either dolphins, crescent moons or butterflies! lol! I have absolutely nothing seasonal to decorate my navel with, but thanks to the fine folks over at Body Candy Body Jewelry, I can properly decorate my front porch in the hopes that I can draw a few visitors to my backyard, if you know what I mean.

WOW! There is so much Halloween hotness to choose from, I don't even know where to begin!

One of my favorites is definitely the glow-in-the-dark Sexy Witch, witch, as Kelsey claims, "does glow so bright," something that works as a great distraction from the festering venereal disease that I caught when I let that meth dealer go down on me in Joanne's Chevy Beretta last August. lmfao! On the other hand, I doubt if someone like Billy Bob would really give a turd about a few scabs and warts.

Speaking of warts, I love those pumpkin earrings soooo much! However, nothing, and I mean nothing, compares to the super groovy glow in the dark spider dog tag! Ugh, I wish Cleophus "Rock Salt" Jeremiah was still around to pick me up in his Firebird. I miss those special nights where he'd come by my house at like 2:30 in the AM, and he would be sooo wasted! Boy, we would drive around and listen to Ugly Kid Joe for hours and hours. If he were here to pick me up right now, I would totally give him that dog tag at the end of the night. I bet he would have married me then, instead of getting with that fat cow Linda Mae Macintosh! You do know that's not his kid, right? That pig's been with every guy from here to Chewaback County. And I'M the slut? Whatever. lol!

Anyway, as much as I love all of these adorable naval pieces, Body Candy don't do COD (can you believe it?), so I guess I'll just have to go pick up an 8ball instead.

Goosebumps at 33: Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

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Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns

Halloween is just around the corner, and no one is more excited that Drew, a young lady who simply adores the holiday with all her heart. Her anxious best friend, Walker, doesn't quite share the same enthusiasm for Halloween as Drew, but he remains loyal to his adorable best bud nonetheless. Regardless of enjoying the fright and fun that can come from All Hallows' Eve, Drew does not enjoy the horrific practical jokes provided by rival girl/boy duo, Tabby and Lee. You see, Tabby and Lee are a couple of wisecracking practical jokers who will more than likely individually die all alone of old age, just like that little fart Stephanie from The Headless Ghost. Every Halloween, Tabby and Lee find multiple ways to scare the living doodoo out of Drew and Walker, and, like J.Lo, Drew has had enough!

Drew, tired and beaten by the horrific pranks that have plagued her ever so devastatingly, finds herself being lent a helping hand in the form of her two old friends, Shane and Shauna. Shane and Shauna promise to help take revenge on Tabby and Lee, and the only thing that Drew and Walker have to do is invite them to go out trick or treating together. Little do they know this would eventually land Drew, Walker, Tabby and Lee in trick or treat heaven, where all the houses are decorated and contain owners who are handing out multiple candy bars the size of Val Kilmer. Heaven indeed. Also, diabetes indeed, but I guess these kids are young and have a few years before they have to sweat the small stuff. 

As would be expected, massive helpings of beast like candy bars in a neighborhood straight out of my wet dreams is probably not all that it appears, and that is surely the case here. This is where I stop talking about the episode's plot and talk about some other stuff now.

Coming straight outta Compton on October 26, 1996, during the show's second season, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is yet another delightful little outing in the Goosebumps pantheon. The Halloween setting is pretty much an automatic win in my book, and there are plenty of fun and/or ridiculous little moments that are worthy of a smile or two (depending on how many mouths you have, of course).

One of the best moments is when Walker and Drew reveal their horrifically lame Halloween costumes. Walker – who, despite his deceptive name, is not a Texas Ranger – is dressed up as a dark and stormy night (don't even ask) while Drew dresses up as a super hero named, ready for it? Super Drew! Super Drew?! That's a bit of a copout, no? Like, if I put on a pair of tights (which I would never do, 'cause I quit ballet) and a mask, I could say I'm dressed up as Awesome Matt and get free candy? Weak, brah. 

In any event, Attack of the Jack-O'-Lanterns is a purrr-fect episode of Goosebumps to enjoy on a dark and spooky Halloween night, and I would be remised if… I'm Sorry. I don't know why I spelled the word perfect like that. Purrr-fect?! I guess I was just trying to be seductive, maybe build up my readership through sex appeal, and now I just look like a big fat idiot. Damn it.

Oh well, until next time, kiddies… 

Chucktober DVD Giveaway!

As I mentioned in my latest Dumpster Diving for Gold vlog post - which I fully expect you will watch at least ten more times… a day - I have picked up a few great films on DVD that I wanted to use as giveaways for my lovely readers. What sort of prompted me to do a giveaway at this time, right in the middle of Chucktober, was a little tweet I laid my eyes on the other day…

  

With this incredibly boner inducing news, I figured what better time to giveaway a copy of Undisputed III: Redemption than with a Scott Adkins tweet claiming that there is indeed a fourth Undisputed film in the works? However, there is one tiny little problem here. I must remind you that it is indeed Chucktober, and it's my vow to try my damnedest to keep all content this month horror related, and Undisputed III is certainly not a horror film (it's a Rom-com). That's where you, good reader, win BIG.

To make this shit Chucktober official, I am not only going to give one lucky winner a used copy of Undisputed III: Redemption, I will also throw in a used copy of Adam Green's fantastic Ski lift horror film, Frozen, just in time for winter!

And you know what, to sweeten the pot even more, I'll even toss in one back issue, of the winner's choice (so long as it's not sold out), of Paracinema Magazine (as well as a few other secret goodies!)!

Now, you're probably thinking, "Matt, this is totally radical, but what's the catch?" Well, it's actually quite simple. With only eight days left until Halloween (YIKES!), I would love if you'd share with me your favorite Halloween tradition. What do you love to do every year, more than anything, during the Halloween season? It can be anything whatsoever, and it doesn't have to be all that elaborate, either. Come up with an answer, leave it in the comments section of this post with your name and email address, and you will be entered, simple as that. The giveaway ends at midnight Friday, October 28th (Eastern Standard), so you have exactly one week from today to leave your answer. Soon afterwards, I will tally all the names of those who enter, drop them in a hat and announce the lucky winner in a vlog.

Two of my favorite movies of 2010, an issue of one of my favorite magazines (after Bear magazine, that is), and all for less than the price of a cup of coffee. What isn't great about that?!

Good luck, and I look forward to your answers!

Dumpster Diving for Gold 4: EVER

Hey, look at this… a brand spanking new episode of Dumpster Diving for Gold (that I recorded in September), all ready to make sweet ass love to your very being. Yeah, I know, that's kind of gross.

In any event, I tried using a different camera to record this one, and it sort of worked, though there are some odd auto focus issues that make this shit seem as the video is breathing. Like, you might have an acid flashback from watching this. Or, if you're sensitive to bright colors and flashing lights, you might get all seizure on me, which would not be good because I depend on you for support.

Enjoy.

Some post video thoughts:

More favorite?

The pressure got to me, and my Boyka imitation blew. Ma bad.

Boy, I sure don't shut up, huh?

My ability to read out loud is horrific.

Bad Trick or Treat Ideas: Necco

Chalk is simply perfect. For blackboards, hop-scotch and marking the position of a dead body, you just can't beat it. As a snack item, chalk really isn't such a great idea. An even worse idea is trying to give away what is essentially chalk to any child, let alone anyone under the age of 73. Necco. What is that, short for necrophilia? Sadly, necrophilia leaves a better taste in my mouth than Necco candies do. 

Night of the Demons 2010: Party Foul

Adam Gierasch's 2010 remake of Night of the Demons takes the basis for what was done in the original film and applies it to the end destination, with a few minor tweaks added to the journey. Instead of following a small group of teens to an intimate party where everything literally goes to hell, this incarnation populates its shindig with a full staff of party animals. Once again, Angela is throwing the dopest Halloween party in town and everyone is E-vited. As the party rages on and the drugs finally show up (thanks to a tubby Eddie Furlong playing the role that would define his personal life), the cops come in and shut it down. Shortly after the house is cleared out and everyone has left, a handful of stragglers straggle their way back onto the property, only to somehow get locked in. As far as major problems go, being stuck in a house with a handful of good-looking people, tons of alcohol and plenty of music, one really cannot complain. However, toss in a few demons and, well, I suppose the word demon kind of says it all.

I generally don't like to compare remakes to their influences; however, there are a select few that garner the comparison, and I think Night of the Demons is one of those films. One of the things that this new version does that I enjoy is the main idea is in place, but the situations unfold very differently for the characters. You get something new without losing the basis for what make Night of the Demons Night of the Demons. Though, it's not to say that what's new is refreshing cinematically, just new from what has been seen previously.

In fact, I think it's safe to say that Night of the Demons lacks even the slightest hint of originality, and that comes from all aspects of the film. The characters are masterfully stereotypical, the unnecessary backstory added to the movie is as pointless as it is uncreative, and it would be impossible not to know exactly where the film will go next. On a technical level, well, it's not too bad overall, but there are some serious issues strewn throughout. Specifically, the super sped up camerawork that makes its way through the film's opening party setting, only to slow down and focus on something in a motion much slower than normal (like a sexy girl dancing or someone puking). And of course, this is accompanied by a ridiculous swooooosh sound that's supposed to convey… actually, I don't even know what it's supposed to convey. Awesome party, maybe?

Bobbie Sue (Dead Box) Luther in a role that perfectly plays to her natural talents

Another issue that this remake suffers from is the fact that the Angela character (this time around played by Shannon Elizabeth) has very little to her in terms of generating any sort of interest. She's completely one-dimensional and more of a coincidental character, wherein the original she was, in a way, the star, or at least a major aspect of the movie. Here Angela plays back-up singer to the character of Maddie (Monica Keena, who looks somewhat less malformed than normal), who is clearly the heroin when the viewer is introduced to her wicked hot friends, both of whom have massive tits and wear skimpy Halloween costumes.

Now, I may sound like I am hitting Night of the Demons with a lot of negativity so far and I sort of am, but that really doesn't reflect my actual enjoyment of the film as a whole. In fact, I actually quite enjoyed it - for what it is. Let's face it, as much love as I have for Kevin Tenney's film, it sure is far from perfect, and I think it would be safe to say that it has almost as many problems, collectively, as the 2010 remake. 

The '88 film starts off awfully slow, and the only thing that it has going for it in the first 45 minutes to an hour is Linnea Quigley's introduction (which makes for a great cameo in the remake, it should be said) and some of the laughable performances and hysterical characters. It's entertaining in a very cheesy way, but that's about all until the film finally takes off in the final 30 or so minutes. The remake does a better job of moving things along at a faster pace, however, it does cause for some latter moments where things do begin to drag on.

As for the demon action itself, the original still takes the funfetti over the remake. Regardless, I do like the look of the demons as well as how they interact with each other (demonic orgies are h-o-t HOT!). The approach of the demons, as well as the film itself, is a little more tongue in cheek than the original. Gierasch and co. certainly had a specific vision for Night of the Demons, and that was to make a fun film that can play for a modern audience, while being mostly faithful in spirit to the original. And I believe they were successful, for the most part.

The movie is a fun watch, plain and simple. It's even almost as fun as the 1988 Night of the Demons; however, it isn't quite as memorable. Of course, Tenney's film has the unfair advantage of nostalgia going for it, but it also has a better presence with how the horror is effectively delivered. Now, the '88 Night of the Demons isn't the most frightening film ever made, but it does have a genuinely spooky atmosphere about it as well as a few creepy moments. Specific scenes that come immediately to mind are the Quigley lipstick trick and Angela's Stigmata Martyr dance.

As strange as the lipstick in the tit scene is, there is something about how Quigley does it, something about the dead serious and completely crazed look on her face that has always stuck with me. The scene is recreated (with a slight twist) in the remake in a way that is certainly entertaining, but it doesn't have nearly the same effect. What is even less effective though, is Angela's dance sequence in the remake. What was truly a frightfully seductive and hypnotic highlight in the 1988 Night of the Demons is not even remotely worth mentioning in the remake. In fact, it's kind of pathetic in comparison.

I have my criticisms of the film (and they are definitely warranted) but as I said, I found myself enjoying Night of the Demons 2010. It's certainly no classic, and it's debatable as to whether or not it's even any good, but it does capture the essence of the original film without being an exact replica of it. Despite suffering from some typical, modern-day cinema shortcomings, it feels as if it fits in with the world of Night of the Demons, and, most importantly, I had a good time watching it. Quite frankly, that is really all one should expect.