Totally Tubular Trailers

In between Kenpo practice, meditation and these sick free form basket-weaving classes I've been taking, I've found a dash of time to cook up a batch of trailers that I consider to be totally tubular, brah. Hopefully you agree, but the only way to find that out is for me to shut up and let you get to watching them for yourself!

Staring things off is the trailer for the South Korean monster flick, Sector 7. Directed by Kim Ji-hoon, Sector 7 is your typical man VS monster flick, focusing on a crew trapped on an oilrig with a creature whose only desire is to eat their asses. Well, probably not just their asses; I'm sure it will eat their faces, too. Either way, South Korea's been steadily releasing giant monster movies over the passed few years, and doing so with reasonable success, and Sector 7 looks to be yet another entertaining entry into genre.

Check out the trailer, and see if you can guess how the movie is going to end. 

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Previously known as Weapon, the recently retitled Assassination Games stars Jean-Claude Van Damme and Scott Adkins as rival assassins that, get ready for it…join forces so they can take down a drug cartel. Okay, let me just repeat that: JEAN-CLAUDE VAN DAMME AND SCOTT ADKINS ARE RIVAL ASSASSINS THAT JOIN FORCES SO THEY CAN TAKE DOWN A DRUG CARTEL!!

'Nuff. Fucking. Said.

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Next up we're taking an underground trip with Andy Fetscher's Urban Explorer, a German Slasher film that sends a group of explorers on an underground search for a walled up Fahrerbunker filled with forbidden Nazi graffiti. Naturally, some bad stuff happens, and people will more than likely start getting killed at some point. Or at least that's what we all hope, right?! One foreign review I read for the film called it Wolf Creek meets The Decent, which is really quite the praise if that comparison is reflective of quality as much as it is aesthetic. Outside of being a tad too hyper for my taste, I dig the trailer, specifically the style in which the titles look. Not that they at all reflect the film, but I dig the artistic flair.

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Last preview of the day is 5 Days of War, which comes to us from the great Renny Harlin. Okay, maybe great isn't the best adjective that could be summed up for Harlin, but fuck it, I dig most of his work for being simple, fun and action packed, and 5 Days doesn't look to disappoint in any of those departments.

The film is about an American journalist and his crew who are caught in the crossfire of a raging war between Russia and Georgia (a country VS a state seems kinda unfair, no?).  I really like this trailer and think 5 Days looks quite promising, though, being a huge Val Kilmer in his peak fan, seeing him so bloated always kind of freaks me out (he must be on his period. Forever.). Luckily for me, Emmanuelle Chiriquí should keep my eyes busy enough not to notice Val's ever expanding dome piece.

'Zero' People Came to My 'Bloody Birthday' Party

What's up, man. I see you decided to stop by this fine and often magical place known as Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. That's very nice of you, and I fully support your browsing of this here scene, in fact, I encourage the shit out of it. However, I have to ask you a real big favor. No! I don't want you to hide drugs in your girl's bra, again! Geez…that was one time two months ago, and she only had to spend one night in jail. Don't worry, this is way easier than shoving an eight ball down an A-cup.

Okay, first I'm gonna need you to give me a quick ride to Dalton McBeal's house so I can grab that cash he owes me. Then we'll head over to Wal-Mart so I can pick up a 'Bloody Birthday' cake for my little brother's birthday party that's being thrown over at someplace called PARACINEMA. I think it's near the Y. Gas money? Man, you know I got no cash to spare! This is a recession! I have just enough for a pack of smokes and a ten bag. How about I smoke you up instead?   

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Thanks for the lift, bro. I appreciate it and all, but you think you could do me a solid and swing me by Darius' crib real quick so I can pick up that cash he owes me? Thanks, man. I always knew you were my boy. Hey, you think I can use your phone to give him a quick call first? I have 'ZERO' minutes left of my cell, and I gotta make sure he's home and not over at that STRANGE KIDS CLUB picking up STDs again. Thanks, man. Hey, you got an extra smoke by any chance?

Dear Young Women of America,

Mr. T (and your parents rearview mirror) called, and he want's his style back.

A bunch of fools that are in dire need of pitying.

Dumpster Diving for Gold III: The Quickening

The DVD dumpster gods have been kind to me as of late, which only gives me the opportunity to make yet another video where I shall successfully make an ass out of myself while telling you what I got. Enjoy.

Post video thoughts:

I neglected to mention that I spent a grand total of $16.85 on this batch of bad-ass.

Did I unwittingly sing an 'NSYNC song?

I'm straight killing that maroon V-Neck like it's no one's business.

Thankfully there was never an H.P. Lovecraft dildo made. But if there were, would it be called H.P.'s LoveCraft?

Boughten? Really?!

I put my cell on vibrate, yet, I neglected to ignore it?

Great Moments in CGI: Mega Piranha

"And one and two and three and four…Kicking Mega Piranha sure does make for one heck on an abdominal workout! One look at these results, and you'll want to order the Mega Piranha VS Super Abs workout video today!"

See the Sea: Wave of Mutilation

One thing that has always bothered me about a vast majority of standard Hollywood cinema is the fact that the viewer is given little to no opportunity to actually think about what they are seeing. So often every little detail is over explained with scenes of ill-placed dialogue that serve no other purpose than to tell the viewer what they should or shouldn't be feeling at any given moment. Sometimes there are the little visual cues that point out each and every minuscule detail about what is happening on screen, even though you could very well figure it out on your own within the confines of the scene and how it plays out for the characters.

On the flip side, exposition can sometimes be necessary in certain situations, and I have no problem when it is done in a way that supports the story instead of bogging it down with useless details. It all comes down to how the film is presented and if we the audience are treated like we have a smidgen of smarts left in that oversaturated dome that sits on our shoulders.

This plays right into my thoughts on the semi-short film, See the Sea, from French writer/director, Francois Ozon. See the Sea (non-freedom translation: Regarde la mer) is not exactly the type of film that's easy to review, simply because to get into too much detail can really spoil the impact of the film. However, I still feel the need to share it because I found it to be an interesting watch and one that can easily be accessed on the good ol' Netflix instant watch.

See the Sea follows a young mother named Sasha (Sasha Hails) who, along with her baby daughter, is waiting for her husband to return home from a long business trip. Meanwhile, Sasha takes in an oddball drifter name Tatiana (Marina de Van). There's honestly not too much more to say about the plot without unnecessarily touching on specific moments and giving away too much about the film itself, but it should be noted the difference in which the two women are presented.

Tatiana is a street savvy loner who is a bit rough around the edges and can best be described as (or at least appearing to be) damaged goods. On the other hand, Sasha is a bit naïve, overly trusting and seemingly happy. She's carelessly (and curiously) open to any sort of company for the simple fact that she wants to curb her boredom (and possibly a slight sexual appetite). What it boils down to is, one seems to have it all, while the other seems to have nothing, but there is something that each of the two characters can gain from one another. 

Now, the distracting part about a film like See the Sea is the fact that it's a thriller of sorts. A thriller is what it's sold as, it's what the blurb alludes to on the home video release and, quite frankly, it's why I watched the movie in the first place. That and it's 52 minutes long. So when you go into the movie itself, there is a preconceived notion of what to expect, but that is not at all what is served up to the viewer. 

While there are some incredibly odd and eyebrow raising occurrences in this film, as well as already being aware that there was something that would "thrill me," See the Sea doesn't come at the audience with its thriller dick in its hand spewing out the usual troupes found within the genre. Everything is sold to the viewer with the subtly of a growing fingernail. There is little to no music or falsely generated tension, and things are allowed to unfold naturally, with moments tossed in that make you wonder where exactly this one is going to end up.

There were no moments where I felt as if I was being told how I should be feeling; I was being allowed to feel it for myself. Thankfully, a lot of what I felt was driven by curiosity and a desire to know where exactly the movie was taking me. See the Sea is not exactly an exciting film, but that's sort of the point. It's realistic in how things progress for the characters, and that reflects greatly in how things progress for the viewer, too. There is no actual foreshadowing in real life outside of possible little clues to who people really are, and that is how See the Sea handles its character's and their individual progressions. 

There's a lot to be said about the two female leads and their respective intricacies in this film, and that's very difficult to discuss in great length as to get too far into either of their psyches could possibly give you an idea of where the film will go, and I would much rather you find that out for yourself. Then we can talk. Either way, See the Sea is a high recommend because it is interesting, it's well put together, it will leave an impact on you, it's artistic, but not at all pretentious, and the ending will make you want to backtrack in your mind with the intention of processing everything that happened before the anti-climax.

Five Scary Ass Bitches

I haven't done a list in what seems like forever, and seeing as lists were something I used to do quite often back when I was still writing for the Willie Aames published, Christian swimming magazine, Holy Diver, I figured it was high time I did a list of some sort. Thankfully, I already had a list of lists that I wanted to do from back then, so I plucked the one that seemed like it would be the most fun. Or the easiest.

So here it is, my list for five of the most frightening women to have ever graced the silver screen, with no numbers, as there is no order in which they stand. Easy enough, right? Okay then…let's shoot this fucker!

 

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Asami Yamazaki

Film: Audition

Portrayed By: Eihi Shiina

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: I have a strong feeling this will be a running theme with this list, but the key to what makes Asami Yamazaki so frightening is just how damned crazy she is. On the surface, Asami is so very delicate, soft-spoken and innocent, however, that facade goes right out the window the moment she feels as if she's been wronged by the one she loves. And to say the methods she uses to cope with her anger are extreme would be a great understatement. Asami is straight up damaged goods, a nut case that has major possessive issues that stem from a childhood almost as fucked up as she is. She is scary because she is unassuming, a none threat, so to see what she is capable of is a grim reminder that anyone is capable of anything if their mind is damaged enough to propel them to do so.    

 

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Kitty Farmer/Mrs. Carmody

Films: Donnie Darko/The Mist

Portrayed By: Beth Grant/Marcia Gay Harden

What Makes These Bitches So Scurry?!: This twofer could be perceived as a cheat, but both Mrs. Carmody and Kitty Farmer are cinematic extensions of one another, with each character having the same goal: to judge, and possibly save, those who do not follow god's plan. It is this judgment and the weight that they and their beliefs carry that make them frightening. They have the power to influence those around them, and that influence carries great consequences for those who are not on the same page as they. While these two women come to very different conclusions in their respective character arcs - with Mrs. Carmody going well over the deep end into a place where all rational sanity is lost - you can see where Mrs. Carmody ends up as being a logical path for Kitty if she too were put in a similar situation. 

 

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Mallory Knox

Film: Natural Born Killers

Portrayed By: Juliette Lewis

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: Much like Asami from Audition, Mallory Knox is shown to have a pretty terrible upbringing, so it's hard not to feel some level of sympathy for her. On the other hand, she knows full well that what she is doing is wrong, yet, she does it anyway. Mallory takes all of the pent up anger and the pain she endured from over the years and vents it right back out and onto others who are as undeserving of having their innocence lost as she did when she was a child. She is a cold-blooded killer with no (or very little) regard for human life, and her drive is pushed forward by an immature selfishness to be free from her childhood oppressions. But what makes her really scary is the fact that Mallory Knox is as sexy as she is deadly, and the pure fact that she is so dangerous makes her even sexier in a strange way. It seems as if it would be very easy to fall victim to her much like the gas station attendant who Mallory bones then quickly kills. 

 

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La femme

Film: Inside

Portrayed By: Béatrice Dalle

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!: Seeking to take back what was once accidentally taken from her, La femme is driven by a vengeance to fill the void that was opened when she fell victim to a car accident that caused a miscarriage and the subsequent loss of her child. The idea that she would go after the person that unintentionally caused her loss, with the soul purpose of taking her unborn baby as a replacement, is bonkers, but it is the way in which La femme handles herself that puts her high on the "I just pooped my pants-o-meter." La femme doesn't just kill people that get in her way - she devours them with a ferocity that would make Jason, Freddy and Michael (Myers, not Jackson) take a few steps back to avoid the splatter.  

 

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Annie Wilkes 

Film: Misery

Portrayed By: Kathy Bates

What Makes This Bitch So Scurry?!:

Mentally Unstable: Check

Obsessive Stalker: Check

Strong Like Bull: Check

Everything about Annie Wilkes is terrifying, but what is most unnerving is how she presents herself as this cheery, happy-go-lucky woman who loves nothing more than to read romance novels and chop wood. Annie is clearly living in her own little world, a world where she cannot fully grasp the difference between what is and isn't real. It is the characters and the stories that Paul Sheldon has created in his Misery novels that Annie loves so dearly, however, Annie becomes so attached to the characters that she believes them to be hers and will do anything to keep them just the way she envisions them. If that means taking the author hostage, beating him, drugging him and maybe even hobbling his feet, well, that's just what ya have to do, I guess.

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That about does her. There're plenty of memorable scary female characters that have been brought to life throughout the history of cinema, and these five ladies are but a few of my favorites. Feel free to share your thoughts on my picks and, more importantly, please feel free to share some of your favorite Scary Ass Bitches!