Pamela's Triple Doll Dare

Regardless of the fact that I'm still suffering greatly from the injury I received after stepping on a nail while in a wicked dance battle against Jeff Pickleberry in the Boys & Girls Club gymnasium this passed Thursday evening, I have been able to find the strength to crank out a few pieces of awesome for you all to check out. It's field trip time, folks, so grab yer bags and get on the bus…no, the shorter one…that's right, and we can go on our merry way!

First stop is the one place where you actually fit in: the Strange Kids Club, where I, as in me, as in myself, as in this fucking guy, has posted a little slice of magic for you all to enjoy. I dug up quite the interesting commercial for an '80s toy that went by the name, Pamela the Living Doll. Now, what's interesting about a TV ad for a children's doll, you ask? Well, you'll have to head over there to watch the clip and read my thoughts to find out, now won't you! Damn straight you will. 

Click-Clack

After our super adventure at Club Strange, we have a special reservation at Paracinema all lined up for you. On the menu this evening is a review for the 2010 Canadian teen girl drama, Triple Dog. Me, reviewing a teen girl drama where the dialogue is almost as memorable as the radical skateboarding scenes? What more could you ask for?! Well, ice cream and a wad of hundreds, I suppose, but that's not the point. Jump on your board, put foot to ground and head over to Paracinema to check out my review, and we'll be besties for life!YAY!    

Click-Clack

Whew! With Pamela the Living Doll and a review of Triple Dog, you have yourself a full day of fun! Well, more like 15-minutes of fun. Actually, it might not even be all that fun in the first place, so just look at it as 15-minutes wasted. Sorry.

P.S. Looking at the content for what I have posted at these other fine sites, I must ask: am I a girl?

All the Boys Love Mandy Lane: And I don't blame 'em

Within the span of one summer vacation, Mandy Lane would make a drastic metamorphosis from the girl that no one noticed to the hot girl that all the guys are dying to get with. Mandy has a good, steady head on her shoulders, and with all the temptations and advances that come from horny teenage boys and the pressures brought on by her peers, she has been able to remain pure when it comes to her sexuality. Every dude-bro in school would love to be the one who breaks through her proverbial chastity belt, but Mandy is far too smart to fall for any of their cheap lines and promises of love. With her newfound hotness Mandy quickly becomes accepted into the cool kids club, meaning, all the girls want to be friends with her, while all the boys want to bone her.

The plot to All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is simple with Mandy being invited out for a weekend of hard partying at some kid 's parent free ranch, where all of the guys are fully expecting to seal the deal with her. Looking forward to a fun weekend away, she accepts the invitation and joins the intimate - and only mildly stereotypical - group of teens. While there, things get off to a good start with some seriously hardcore partying, some seriously pathetic attempts at boning Mandy and some seriously sick person knocking off the teens, one by one. As I said, simple, but there are a few twists and turns to be found throughout the story, though, I didn't find them all too difficult to figure out and had my correct guess by the 40-minute mark.

Regardless of predictability, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane is a tale told properly through its execution and craftsmanship. It's often referred to as - and very much is - a Slasher film at its core, but it lacks the stalk and slash elements of a traditional Slasher as well as the tension that comes with what one would expect from the genre. The kills are a little light, and outside of one wonderfully phallic inspired death (go booyah), they aren't all too gruesome, either. Lacking those elements doesn't really hurt the film too much, as those tactics aren't necessary for this particular story to work. You basically have a teen driven story where the teenage characters aren't a detriment to the film. The movie is respectful to the viewers with characters that are nicely written and respectably acted by the young cast, which is always something to applaud in modern horror fare.

What really pushes All the Boys Love Mandy Lane up over the top is the character of Mandy Lane as played by Amber Heard. The entire film rests solely on the shoulders of this one character; from the film's title to its premise, the viewer has to be on board with the spell Mandy casts on those around her. For a girl like Heard, the looks part is not a problem whatsoever, but there is much more to this character than just her beauty. It's her presence; it's the way that she carries herself; it's that indescribable thing that makes someone attractive past their looks, and that is what this film grounds its feet in. Heard is able to bring this to the screen like very few actresses could have, but her performance and presence aren't the only reason for the aura the character has around her.

The way in which she is filmed plays an incredible part in how Mandy Lane, the character, comes off, which is as all the male characters in the movie see her. Director, Jonathan Levine, does an overall solid job on the film itself, but it is what he does with the character of Mandy Lane, specifically, that is fantastic. It's a perfect melding of cinematic technique and an actress with the right look and ability that really give this one a unique feel. There's one scene in particular that is one of the more titillating moments in the film, and it is no more than Mandy coyly taking off her shorts and tank top so she can jump into a lake for a swim. This scene is sexy because Heard looks amazing, that's a given, but it's how it's shot with the use of warm lens flairs, teasing camera angles and the soft music that collectively bring the moment to a whole different level of cinematic seduction.

Since its 2006 Toronto International Film Festival premier, All the Boys Love Mandy Lane has been one of the most talked about horror films for as many good reasons as there are not so good reasons. Its lack of a U.S. release has been the subject of annoyance for many a genre fan (myself included), and rightfully so. There's really no reason not to have access to ANY film, whatsoever. Even with the recent promise that it's on its way to a DVD release in the U.S., in limbo it remains for the time being. And that is truly unfortunate as this is a film that could certainly be geared towards the same crowd as shit fluff like the Prom Night and The Stepfather (also featuring Heard) remakes, while getting support from most of the horror community. That my friend is a recipe for a horror flick that could be a major success. But for now, those of us in the know know enough to make sure we own a region free DVD player. 

Back in Black, Bitch!

That post title is a tad deceiving because while I am indeed back, I am rarely one to wear black, and there is not one portion of my body at this very moment that's covered by an article of black clothing. It just sounds cool, and it makes you think of AC/DC, which makes you think of Green Goblin trucks and Emilio Estevez, two things that drip cool like it's no ones business. Anyway, after a short hiatus, Chuck Norris Ate My Baby is back in action (as opposed to black). A week away from it all was just what the gyno ordered, and now I feel rejuvenated.

 

Double bad-ass

As I mentioned in my previous post, I took a trip to the land of rape and honey, better known as Las Vegas. It was a grand trip that garnered many a great tale, some of which I shall share with you briefly here. Besides placing third (it's a long story) in the Ozawa Cup International Karate Tournament, presented by Las Vegas Shotokan Karate, I decided to go and make an honest woman out of my longtime girlfriend and scrapbooking partner, Liz. We didn't take many photos, but I thought I would share with you this gorgeous shot of Liz in her dress, which was stunning to say the least.  

For the record She's not preggers, she just stores water during the winter months

Beautiful, right?! The time was more memorable and wonderful than anything outside of my very own birth, which I really can't remember all too well, so the slight edge goes to the wedding.

This Vegas trip had many more stories to tell, one of which was seeing Penn and Teller perform live. I've been a huge fan of the duo as long as I can remember, so the opportunity to see them do their thing was quite rewarding, plus I got a quick chance to meet them both afterwards, which was certainly worthy of a smile or two. I'm sure they felt the same way.

I don't know who that girl was or why she was in my picture, but I bet she wanted me

As great as the Penn and Teller show was it was completely dwarfed by seeing the Cirque du Soleil show, KA (not short for KA KA, but I wish it were). Now, this was something that we were really hoping to see, but weren't sure if the price would break our budget, however, we ended up getting a great deal on the Penn and Teller tickets and due to the hotel we stayed at, we got a huge discount offered for the KA tickets, so it had to be done.

And boy was it worth every cent spent.

I'm not going to go into detail about the show, because I'm lazy, but lets just say that in my life I have seen quite a few plays, big shows and more movies than can be counted, but none of them have ever come close to what I witnessed on stage with KA. The word incredible is not nearly a strong enough descriptive, and I cannot recommend enough that everyone take the chance to check out KA if the opportunity ever arises. Quite simply, It was mind blowing.

One other highlight was a trip to Madame Tussauds wax that ass museum. While a few of the wax figures look either a little too fake or not enough like the celebrity, many of them are quite amazing, to the point of creepy, even. There were a few that I seriously thought were going to go all Tourist Trap on me, but thankfully Mr. Slausen was nowhere to be found. One of the cool things about the museum is being able to interact with the figures themselves, which I did, specifically with the female ones. Repeatedly. Here's a few photos from my adventures in Toyland.

Giving advice to Ben about how to nab chicks better looking than that guy he's married to, and me trying to make whoopie with Whoopi

Me proving that there is indeed going to be some sort of sex in the champagne room, and that same chick from Penn and Teller showed up at the museum. What a creeper!

I was a little bummed that the focus is more (more meaning almost completely) on varying degrees of celebrity, but it was still pretty damned awesome, plus there was a brief but satisfying haunted attraction within the exhibit, so that helped feed my need for horror during the trip.

Those are just some of the best highlights of the week away from life, but I'm sure you guys have lost interest by now, unless you want to hear about how much I drank, that is. Otherwise, things should be getting back to normal here within the next few days, so thanks for your patience and for those times we spent together.

Closed For Vacation

Due to a week long trip to Las Vegas for the Ozawa Cup International Karate Tournament, presented by Las Vegas Shotokan Karate, Chuck Norris Ate My Baby will be closed for the next week or so. It's awful, I know, but if you think about it, you can totally go back and read some old posts (and the grammar that come with them), or come to my house, power wash the entire outside, clean my grill and put up a new roof. That would be swell. When I get back, things will commence as usual, and the only things I have specifically planned are reviews for All the Boys Love Mandy Lane as well as all of the movies in the 6 Films to Keep you Awake Spanish film collection. Sweet, right?! RIGHT?!  

With that said, I will miss you all, and to help tide you over until my already much anticipated return, I leave you with this, something that will truly inspire you to do better for yourself when on the dance floor. Or, a wheat field. That is wheat, right? 

In the Flesh: Some Quick Thoughts on The Ruins

These thoughts are infested with spoilers, yo!

Getting the chance to rewatch 2008's The Ruins recently, I found that the film that I had quite enjoyed when it was released still held up very well a few years afterwards. Not that just over two years is a long time or anything, but for a movie that featured a generally young cast and came out over the last five years, it's certainly one of the better ones. Knowing that The Ruins is based off a novel (that I've heard is quite good), I imagine how much better the idea of plants using vibration to mimic sound would work in print, nevertheless, the idea still fares very well on celluloid, even if it is slightly (and welcomingly) hokey. 

For a picture that is filled with what appears to be a soulless, youthful cast on the surface, the characters aren't total idiots and have a strong sense of depth as far as their relationships (or lack thereof) with each other goes. Also, the cast is actually comprised of some solid actors that have worked in films that I already love, as opposed to nobodies that are only there to look pretty and mope around with long grey faces and pouty lips, all upset that they ran out of hair gel (actually, I would be upset too). Speaking of pretty, it's ironic that the hot girl, Stacy, who shows off her nicely maintained body, is the one that seems to get the most physical (as well as mental) abuse out of the four main friends.

She's not necessarily the type of character that seems to be all about her looks thus making her painful plight enjoyable on a sadistic level for the warped viewer. Instead, it plays off the visual aspect of seeing a beautiful woman easily destroy her exterior to rid her body of these grotesque plants that are roaming free underneath her flesh. I know when I get a hangnail, I'll gnaw at that thing until I rip a piece of skin that stretches to my knuckle just to get rid of it (and where's my Oscar for best female performance?!). Sure, that's not really the same thing as plants rummaging around beneath your flesh, but if I'll chew a piece of skin from my finger to my elbow for a hangnail, imagine what I would do if I had a plant in my forehead?!

The Ruins has an interesting concept and is executed nicely on all fronts, but it's that self-mutilation and the few moments of horrific mutilation in general that make the film most memorable. Watching Stacy cut deeply into her own belly, claiming with a hint of madness that, "It's okay, I just have to get this one (of the plants) out," is quite grueling in such a wonderful way. I think this entire sequence is the most effective portion of the film, however, I cannot be lax in mentioning the double leg amputation from earlier in the film. This is where the mostly deteriorated legs of Mathias have to first be broken with a rock, the remaining flesh cut away with a pocketknife, then a screaming hot skillet is used to cauterize the wound. It's pretty intense. 

I don't want to overextend myself claiming that The Ruins is some masterpiece or anything more than what it actually is, but it is a very good-to-great body horror film, specifically for the time in which it came out and the type of film that it looked like it could be. It was all but ignored at the box office, unfortunately, and I don't think it will be anytime soon where people recognize it for what it is. Nevertheless, give this one a good ten-to-fifteen years, and I believe it may have the right stuff the be a minor cult classic for horror fans that are lucky enough to discover it.     

Eyes In The Dark: A Modern Day Satan's Blade

Every so often, I run into a film that challenges my ability to process it in a way that actually prevents me from having a clear stance on it. Allow me to elaborate… Written and directed by Bjorn Anderson, Eyes in the Dark is a found footage film that is quite simply awful. From the heard it a million times before story to the seen them just as many times characters, Eyes in the Dark brings nothing of worth to the cinematic table, let alone does it do anything positive for low-budget horror as far as showing what it's capable of. The setting is as familiar as that weird mole on your inner thigh (seriously, what is up with that thing? And why do you always pick at it?), focusing on seven "teenagers" who have decided to spend their last weekend together at a snowless ski lodge before collage starts. Does any of this sound familiar?

Each character is introduced through the lens of a video camera that the resident dick face brought with him so he can tape the entire weekend (THANK GOD for that!), and this is where we learn all we need to know about each character's, well, character. But seriously, who fucking cares about character details and traits in a movie like this?  I don't even know why I mentioned it. I guess you cannot expect too much when a film's core consists of boneheads, beer, babes and bikinis, all while spewing out dialogue consisting of, "Let's go skinny dipping!" and "Hope we have some chips." Me too, you know, so I can put the empty bag over my head in the hopes that suffocation quickly occurs.

With an ensemble of friends that make every teen character from the Friday the 13th franchise look deep and richly written, Thighs of Darkness doesn't bode much better when these nitwits are faced with danger. The details of that danger are a little sketchy, as by the time the innkeeper where they are staying at explains it, I was organizing my taxes (Now that's scary! HAHAHAHAHAHA.). Regardless, I did get the gist of the film's conflict, which involves ancient monsters that eat people for reasons I couldn't explain to you even if I cared. They do have red glowing eyes and growl quite loudly, therefore making their presence known with out having to resort to the use of those over-the-top, obnoxious Hollywood special effects. However, they do resort to some pretty incredible puppets that unfortunately aren't clear enough to truly enjoy.

Look at that chicks face. That's love, baby

People are killed, footage is missing and/or spliced together for the reason of exposition, boredom is to be had and nothing is to be gained at any point. Well, almost. Now, as I mentioned earlier, I had some issues making up my mind as far as my actual enjoyment of Eyes in Dark Places, as I kind of knew (thanks to the world of the internet and other reviews) that this movie was going to blow me with shattered glass teeth. Well, it did blow me with shattered glass teeth, and for the first fifteen minutes or so, I wanted to see if microwaving your head with the door still open is possible. Once I got passed that point though, I started to ALMOST find Eyes on the Dork entertaining. ALMOST being the keyest of words since that term was coined.

Here's where I have the internal conflict. There's nothing to like about the movie, in fact, I didn't actually like anything about the movie, but after some time, I just stopped getting annoyed and simply let myself go. Maybe it can be looked at as giving up, but I see it as more me not feeling like the movie was worth my utter hatred. It's not as if the film is even entertaining on a so bad it's good level, because it's really not, whether or not there are times when it does come close. It's more or less entertaining because I couldn't believe what I was seeing at times.

What it really comes down to is, Guys with a Dark-mass runs parallel with its own lead character, Josh (Wayne Bastrup, who is also today's screen grab star), who serves as a sort of make or break for anyone that watches the film. Playing the guy behind the camera, Josh is so fucking annoying at first. Like, there was a point where his voice, his face and his dialogue made me want to start cutting myself. However, after a short amount of time with king dickweed (whoa, did you just say weed, bro?), I almost began to appreciate him and his incredibly grotesque presence. He literally snarls and sneers throughout the entire movie, making these rapey sexual faces on the constant. I was waiting for him to maybe do a lizard like tongue flick or that thing where you lick around the edges of your lips all seductively, and then I realized it wasn't 1983 anymore. Too bad, 'cause home slice would've done it. 

So, what it comes down to is, Pies on the Tarp is a pile of steaming diarrhea, but I was just so enamored with how horrendous it was, that it got to the point where I almost enjoyed it. Again, keyword being almost.   

Enter the Darkness of Two Crippled Heroes

A few months back, I wrote a review for Todd Miro's Enter the Dark (which you can read here!), a short horror film that I found to be quite enjoyable. Well, now you too have the opportunity to check out the 17-minute film for FREE as a part of the FirstGlance online film competition. The only catch is you have to create an account, but it's no more than an email, user name and password, so it's not all that tedious to do. While there, you also have the OPTION to vote for the film, which would give it a chance to be entered into the FirstGlance Film Fest in Philly. If you were kind enough to do so, you would have to watch, from start to finish, two (of the nine) other films for your vote to count. That may sound like a lot, but if you think about it, you're checking out a handful of short horror films for free, as well as showing support for independent horror. Plus, as I said, this is optional, and if you only want to check out Enter the Dark, you could totally still do so. 

Here is the link to the FirstGlance site where where you can watch Enter the Dark, and if you would like more details on the competition as well as the film itself, head over to the movie's official website by clicking here. I wouldn't pimp it if I didn't think it was worth your time, and if any of you do take the time to check out the short, please, feel free to share your thoughts about it right here!

Since I'm here doing a little pimping, might as well pimp myself out while I'm at it. Over at the wonderful website known to humans as Paracinema, I just posted a review for the DVD release of The Crippled Masters 2: Two Crippled Heroes. That's easy enough, right? While you're there, take a moment to check out the other goodies the site has in store. Just don't drink the water. It will totally give you the runs.