Dreaming Maniacally

Yearning to read about a film that takes a deep look into the mind of a heavy metal songwriter, features a '90s pornstar, has numerous guys in their tighty whities, and is filled with a shit ton of fog? Well, have I got the review for you! Over at BthroughZ, I have a freshly wrapped review of David DeCoteau's Dreamaniac, a little slice of '80s cheese that is sure to please even the most lactose intolerant. While there, be sure to check out all the other goodies the issue has to offer, after you read my review of DREAMANIAAAAAAC!!!, of course. I don't think falsetto translates to the written word too well.   

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Dreamaniac which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy!

Click it or ticket

Totally Tubular Trailers

Starting things off this lovely evening is the trailer for Gonzalo López-Gallego's first English language film, Apollo 18, a found footage styled movie that focuses on a NASA mission gone horribly wrong. I've often shared my loving thoughts on the found footage genre, when done well, and one of the things I like about the style is it's cool to see how many different ways it can be used (before it gets completely milked). There're plenty of avenues that can be taken with this style, and I'd like to see it applied to the right types of films in a ways that are both beneficial and creative. Apollo 18 is a great example of a brilliant idea, however, it's tough to say whether or not this film looks any good. More often than not, when I see a trailer for a film such as this, I tend to get pretty pumped for it, however, I cannot honestly say that this trailer is all that great. Something about it rubs me the wrong way. Take a look and decide for yourself. 

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Next up on the docket is the low-budget "you kids best not be messin' 'round these here parts" film, Madison County. Written, produced and directed by Eric England, Madison County is the familiar tale of a group of no good kids who head to a small mountain town in the hopes of interviewing the author of a book that tells about the areas brutal murders (longest sentence, EVA!!). Of course they find no such author nor do the local yokels prove to be of any help, so when the kids try and dig deeper, they find that they may actually be digging their own graves! MWHAHAHAHA!! It's clearly a very standard backwoods slasher affair, which is not a huge problem so long as a film, specifically this one, can deliver the goods in other areas. The trailer is good, and I think the pig mask could be pretty cool. And really, what it comes down to is cool killers killing kids in cool ways, right?

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My next preview is as brief as it is interesting. 31 is a short film about a girl who wakes up only to find herself trapped with no clue as to where she is, let alone how she got there. Some other stuff happens, I'm sure, but this is a short that will be running somewhere around 10 minutes long, so I doubt that sharing too many details would be the best idea. Anyway, what would be the bait and hook for 31 is that it's broken up into 31 individual 31-second segments, with each new segment premiering at 3:31 pm EST everyday (on You Tube), for 31 days, starting on March 31st. Whoa, wait, what? That's a lot of 3rty-1nes, right?! Yes, and while it sounds confusing, it's not. Either way, it's an interesting concept, and I like the idea that it's essentially a daily horror serial that will go on for a month. And with each segment only being 31-seconds long, it's would be very easy to keep up with. Now the question is, will it be any good?

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Blooded is yet another familiar story of survival (familiar seems to be quite the trend tonight, huh?), specifically focusing on a group of hunters that are kidnapped, only to awaken in the Scottish hills wearing no more than their underwear. Now, while having your chest acne, saggy boobs, and poop stained underwear exposed may be enough to cause some serious stress, the group of hunters find that they have more to worry about as they are being hunted by an animal rights group, claiming that (tagline alert!) "if you hunt, you're fair game." It's familiar, but as I said, and will always say, if it's done right, that can be forgiven. And the idea of flipping the script on hunters is kind is fun, and I like that there is the automatic humiliation factor of putting them in their underwear. That also bodes well if there is at least one hot chick n the film, and I bet you there is (I see her on that poster! YES!)!

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Okay, for shits and giggles I thought I'd throw in this trailer or Quarantine 2: Terminal, just because I cannot believe that it's real. I mean, Quarantine was an inferiorly shot version of an incredibly crafted handheld horror film, but at least there was a marginally successful attempt at making something competent. This shit, however, looks like they've gone way off the rails here. Seeing as it's a sequel to a handheld movie, I see absolutely no sign of the technique on display here. I suppose that completely dropping the hook essentially makes you a regular old zombie film that's using the name of a somewhat successful horror film, which was a remake of a much better film, only meant to cash in on yet another Foreign property, right? That's like the fucking circle of cinematic life, isn't it? Good luck with this one.

Okay, now that I'm done being too cool, I do kind of what to see this one, only because it looks so bad. Also, I do love that play on words. Sorry, I never said anything about having good taste. 

That's it, bitches.

An Expendable Director

With the recent reports that Sylvester Stallone does not intend to direct The Expendables 2 and will in fact be shopping for directors to helm the sequel to the 2010 hit film, I simply cannot help but share my opinion. First off, I want to express that I really enjoyed The Expendables for what it was. Seeing that collection of action heroes, both young and old, really got my testosterone all worked up. I totally did like two sit-ups. While it certainly has its detractors, there are many that defend the film, claiming that it delivered no less than people, specifically action fans, should have expected. That may be true as far as the actors, the characters, the dialogue and the ridiculousness of film goes, but the core element of any action film is the action, and that for me is where The Expendables failed.

To be fair, some of the big action set pieces were pretty great, for instance, Sly releasing gasoline from The Expendables plane onto a boat dock of baddies below, only to have Jason Statham, from the nose of that plane, shoot the boat dock with a flair gun, thus causing a massive explosion. That was pretty epic, but with that said, my issues were specifically with (many of) the fight scenes and some of the gun battles. For whatever reason, the almost always awful shaky-cam action style was utilized for The Expendables, and it fails miserably, as it often does. These scenes are grotesquely edited, with no real sense of direction, let alone a sense of fluidity. People like Jason Statham and (especially) Jet Li are very easy to make look great doing what they do, yet their talents were wasted due to incompetent filmmaking.

One scene that specifically comes to mind is the fight between Dolph Lundgren and Jet Li. Jet Li is not known for his height, while Dolph is quite the imposing figure as far as his stature goes. So here you have this great opportunity to use these contrasting physiques for what could have been a visually impressive fight scene. Nevertheless, the scene is so poorly put together that you almost cannot even discern the height difference between the two, let alone there being more than a few seconds allowed to actually see them fight one another. The worst part is, just before they fight, Lundgren's character makes a reference to Li's height telling him to, "bring it, happy feet!" hinting at what could have made for a visually great fight scene, yet, there's nothing but top down shots, poor angles and action that's too frenetic to be able to see, let alone enjoy. 

Some folks point to the shitty action and say that this is what we should have expected from a throwback action film, but those people are way off base in my opinion. The action films from the '80s were very well represented in many ways (in The Expendables), but to claim that the action from the films of that era were inherently crappy, is an incorrect notion. Now, with Stallone being the person that was basically the backbone of The Expendables, I have to shovel some of the blame on him (as well as the praise, to be fair), therefore, having him step away from the directors chair, to me, sounds like the best decision for the sequel. However, who exactly should be the one to step in and helm a sequel to a successful throwback to the '80s action film? Well, there is only one name that I feel would do it best, and that name belongs to Isaac Florentine.

While many were championing The Expendables as an homage, a love letter, a true return to the '80s action film, there was another movie that made its way straight to DVD in 2010, and that movie kicked the shit out of The Expendables in every possible way. That film was Undisputed III: Redemption. With Undisputed III: Redemption (which I admit to having a wicked boner for), Florentine put out a film that is, without trying to be, an '80s action film. Everything is in place, from hokey dialogue and a thin plot, to a budding bromance and a great antihero in Yuri Boyka. Most importantly, Undisputed III has some of the best fight scenes I have seen from a none traditional martial arts film in years. It's an '80s action movie brought to modern times with the use of style, ability and technique, all while being as hard hitting and tough as any film can be. The comparison between both Undisputed III: Redemption and The Expendables is nonexistent, because there are no comparisons as far as what was delivered.

Both films came out in the same year, therefore my comparison of the two, but Florentine has been making a name for himself for quite some time, and I believe he is the guy that could really push The Expendables to the level that it needs to go. Now, I cannot say that the issues with The Expendables is solely attributed to Stallone, as the problems were specifically with the cinematography and, even more so, the editing. In fact, the editing was so horrendous that it carried over into the non-action scenes more than once. If Florentine were to be chosen (not that I actually think he would), it would be great if both cinematographer Ross Clarkson and editor Irit Raz could come along with him as both have worked with Florentine quite a bit and both have a lot of great experience.

There has been a ton of (AWESOME) casting rumors floating around for The Expendables 2; such as, Bolo Yeung, Cynthia Rothrock, Michelle Yeouh, Arnold Schwarzenegger (in a bigger role) and Jean-Claude Van Damme (who's already worked with Florentine), just to name but a few. Now, another rumored actor that stands out in a big way - and would totally make the Florentine pick all the more perfect - is Scott Adkins. Adkins and Florentine have made a number of awesome action films together and, quite frankly, Adkins is a specimen whose skills and presence are matched by very few action "actors" out there. The thought of having Adkins be in The Expendables 2, with Florentine at the helm, is a dream come true.

My intentions of this post was never to roll in the hate wagon for The Expendables (or Stallone, for that matter), because I really did enjoy the film, but its flaws are glaring, and to simply dismiss them by saying "what did you expect" is way off base for those specific problems. What I expected was, at the least, competent action scenes, and if the right director stepped in, The Expendables 2 could be an action masterpiece. Florentine is perfect because he has the experience , the skill and he is not a huge name outside of the world of DTV action market, but the people that know his films, know his skill and that skill is what is necessary to put The Expendables 2 over the top. If you don't believe me, watch this and you'll become a believer soon enough.

Birthday Beard!

The one, the only, Chuck Norris, is celebrating his 71st birthday today. Seeing as he is the patriarch of this fine blog you are reading right this very moment, we here at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby (I don't know who I'm referring to when I say we, but it sounds better, right?) would like to wish Mr. Norris a happy 71st birthday, as well as thank him for a whopping 71 years of martial arts excellence.

Devil's Dynamite From Hell!

Oh boy kiddies, I hope you have your permission slips all signed by your parents, because it's time for a filed trip! YAY! Okay, calm down now you little brats. Now, while most field trips are filled with learning, fun and adventure, this one is more than likely going to scar you for good, as we will be taking a trip to hell so we can play with dynamite! And when I say dynamite, I mean Devil's Dynamite, which just so happens to be the film I reviewed over at The Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema. Ninjas, jumping vampires, astronaut ninjas, short-shorts, crazy bad dubbing, and it's all brought to you courtesy of the great Godfrey Ho! This is so much better than the petting zoo, that's for sure!

Devil's Dynamite

Things aren't going to get much safer as we head on over to our next destination, a nice little movie theater where the crazed Mad Ron will be introducing us to a slew of his best horror, cult and exploitation Prevues! He doesn't do it alone, oh no siree, in fact, he has the help of ventriloquist Nick Pawlow and his undead buddy, Happy Goldsplatt, as they play host to the madness that ensues! If you've not heard of Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell, you should certainly stop by Strange Kids Club to check out my thoughts as well as the release itself (it's on Netflix instant). It's quite the bloody good time and a must for anyone that loves trailer compilations, exploitation, horror, grindhouse cinema and the 80s.

Mad Ron's Prevues From Hell

Well, that does it for today's field trip, but before I send you all back home to your parents, lets do a head count, starting with those that still have their heads!! BWAHAHAHAHA!

Birthday Babe!

We here at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby would like to wish the lovely Cynthia Rothrock the happiest of birthdays. May all of your kicks hit high and your shorts stay short, on this, your very special day. That's more of a request, actually. 

FEARnot?!

Earlier today, Marc Patterson of Brutal as Hell made a call-to-arms in support of FEARnet's HD cable channel. Some time back in June of last year I had done a post expressing my anticipation for finally having a horror channel on the horizon, specifically one that has a solid library of films that have been built up over the years through FEARnet's wonderful VOD service. In October of last year, FEARnet dropped a 24/7 horror network that's programming consists of an array of horror cinema covering everything from classic to modern, as well as FEARnet original series, all of which are properly broadcast in HD.

Now, the only issue with such a grand channel built specifically for movie fans that love to hear things that go bump in the night is, FEARnet HD is only available through Verizon FiOS (channel 197). Personally, I do not have Verizon FiOS due to it not being available in my area, and I will take the gamble and guess that there are many of you out there that suffer from this same problem. So, what's a ghoul to do? Well, for one, you can stop by the FEARnet website, and with a few simple clicks you can request that your local cable company carry FEARnet HD. CLICK HERE, then click on the thingy that says 'Get FEARnet HD', and the rest is history.

Seriously, most if not all of you out there right now are horror fans, so there is no reason that all of us cannot band together to give ourselves something great. It's easier than burning a bra or making a sign, so get to it, why don't cha? Look at their upcoming lineup for March if you aren't convinced yet…March Highlights.