Freddy's Christmas Eve Dance Party: Christmas Shoes Edition!

It's Christmas eve and despite it being such a wonderful time, I get the suspicious feeling that you could use a little pick me up. Some inspiration to do good for your fellow man which will only help you feel whole and give you the sense of poignancy you deserve. I think I know just the right band to do it, and that's NewSong (one word?). When I hear of a band with a name like NewSong, I figure they are one of two things (and maybe even a little bit of both), either a contemporary Christian group sent to the Earth to spread the word of the lord, or a boy band. I'm not sure of the difference, but I am aware that NewSong's song, Christmas Shoes (which is a prequel to their 1999 breakout hit, Easter Dress), makes me stop and realize how important it is to have a hot new pair of kicks.

You see, this video, the lyrics, the clear merchandising message to buy shoes and help the economy, thus ending terrorism, as well as just how pretty it's sung, only makes my heart grow fonder this holiday season. However, it is all slightly soured when I have to look at the disrespectful dude singing this beautiful Christmas song. I mean, spread the good word, brother, but I would appreciate it if you could take what '20 seconds' to put some gel in your hair? It's Christmas, dog, and you're wearing a hat like it's fucking Thanksgiving and shit. Show some respect. I know your standing around uncomfortably with a bunch of your boys and don't wanna look like a chump with a nicely done up hairdo, but that shit went out the door with that 32 foot long red scarf you wore. This isn't This Old House, so get it together if you want to sell me the good word.

You know what, come to think of it, that dude actually looks really familiar…

Sorry man, you get a pass this time. The hat's all yours.

Santa With Muscles: It's like Robocop 3….With Muscles

Well before Bill Goldberg stepped foot in a sleigh with 2005's Santa's Slay, it was 1996 that gave us the original buff Santa with the 1996 Hulk Hogan family/action/comedy/drama/tentacle porn vehicle, Santa With Muscles. Directed by John Murlowski (who has directed at least four Christmas films, a movie called Cop Dog and an Amityville sequel), Santa With Muscles has the distinct honor of being in the bottom 100 on IMDB, which calls to me as much as the top 100 films do. And what doesn't speak to me more than a Christmas film from the 90s staring Terry "Hulk" Hogan as a jacked up Santa that's trying to help save an orphanage? How about you add in Clint Howard as a bumbling cop, Garrett Morris as, well, as no one that was really worth the time, sadly, and Ed Begley Jr. as the film's villain, and you have yourself the perfect recipe for a merry good time.

In the first five minutes of Santa With Muscles, things start out with a serious bang as the viewer is introduced to Blake, while engaged in a hand-to-hand battle with a gardener whom he tells "never stop to smell the roses" after kicking his ass. Next, Blake goes on to fight a chef, a chauffeur and then the gardener again, who attacks Blake with a weed whacker that does very little against Blake's serving platter shield. Seriously, I was pumped harder than a Jersey Shore fist as this was going down. As it turns out, this was all just the daily workout regimen of fitness guru, Blake Thorne, a rich kid that became even richer (and greedier) as he grew older and more successful. The only things that matter to Blake are his physique, money, himself and having fun, despite the rules.

It's Blake's reckless/careless attitude that creates a run in with the law, namely Clint Howard, who's character Hinkley proves that competency is not an attribute found in B-Movie police officers. Blake takes refuge in a mall, disguising himself as a mall Santa, but his costume doesn't fool Hinkley and before you can say HO-HO-H…Blake takes a shitter down a trash chute, getting knocked the fuck out in the process. Can you guess what happens next? That's right, Blake has amnesia and it just so happens that there is a down on his luck mall elf named Lenny (Don Stark) that was offered a fifty spot to find Santa before all the kids waiting to see him go into anarchy mode. You see, Lenny is in deep with a bookie, and when he finds an unconscious Blake he sees an opportunity to get to his money by fooling him into believing that he is indeed, Santa Clause. With Muscles. And blond hair. And a golden tan. And  daughter named Brooke.

This newborn Santa discovers his path as he is attempting to play mall Santa, when a group of punks try to steal donation money from a local charity. They are noticed by a young bystander who yells for help, and the golden look of "someone's getting their ass kicked in!" that comes across Blake's face is quite priceless. Needless to say, there is an ass whopping of deserving proportions that pumps up all the bystanders and the children. Santa is a hero. But his heroic efforts are not yet finished as he realizes that the orphanage that the charity was for needed his help. He wasn't sure why he knew this but he did (it was in the script) and with a reluctant Lenny in tow, off he went to save the orphans!  As it surprisingly turns out, the orphanage did need Santa's help as the threat of being shut down by a germaphobic mad scientist named Ebner Frost (Ed Begley, Jr.) was lurking ever so closely.   

Now, mad or not, why would anyone want to shut down an orphanage? I mean, I guess if you really hate Annie you might want to, but otherwise I see no point. Well, that is unless there's a secret cavern underneath said orphanage. A secret cavern containing some incredibly rare and priceless rocks, the kind that sparkle and illuminate but also have the tendency to explode. Thankfully one of the orphans (played by a pre-hot Mila Kunis) learned about them in school and has the perfect memory to be able to tell the adults exactly what they were and what exactly causes them to blow-up. This was actually a place where the kids hung around from time-to-time, and the fact that there was a cavern under the orphanage where the kids would hang out, but the people who took care of those kids never once thought about checking it out, is kind of odd. I mean, those kids are orphans and all, meaning, they could be doing all sorts of bad shit down there - like making meth and babies - and no one would be the wiser. Great job, adults.

So for much of the film it's Blake in a modded Santa suite vs Ebner Frost and his baddies, filled with heart warming interactions with a bunch of kids that are only a little lame. And of course, there is plenty of over-the-top action to be found. I mean, I never thought I would see a cop try and use a bazooka to take down a criminal that would be facing no more than a reckless endangerment charge. In fact, isn't using a bazooka in public considered reckless endangerment? I also never thought I would see Blake Thorne's low-fat brand of salad dressing used as an oil slick to send a police car off its course. The action isn't the only aspect where Santa With Muscles shows up with a sack full of joy. I actually heard one of the orphans use the line: "see ya, wouldn't wanna be ya!" And of course, everyone laughs and cheers about it. It's amazing. But not as amazing as the moment where the little girl sings actual magic in the church. If I could describe it, I would, but I dare not embarrass myself by trying. Just trust me on this one.

I don't think I've even come close to giving this film its due justice with this review. I only feel as if I barely touched the surface of what makes Santa With Muscles a romp worthy of at least one night of laughter every holiday season, but trust me, this is some cherishable crap. Any film where a bad guy uses an oversized candy cane as a bo staff has a piece of my heart. It's gold. Fucking silver and gold.

CNAMB Presents: Presents! Part one

I know it's not quite Christmas yet, but I did participate in a sort of Secret Santa (that's not so secret and is officially dubbed, Kringle – it's a Canadian thing) as a part of the wonderful The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema community. I did it last year and got some serious goodies, and this time around was no different. The person who had me in this cinematic filled gift exchange was none other than Zach, who many of you may know as T.L. Bugg, the man behind The Lightning Bug's Lair!

Now, because of the whirlwind that went on with some lame-O contest recently, I never had the opportunity to write about the awesome experiences I had at Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati back in November. Well, now's not the time, but it was very awesome and I spent not nearly enough time with a whole lot of amazing people that I had physically met for the first time, one of whom was Zach. So, what did Zach get me in this gift exchange? Well, the question should probably be what didn't he get me, because this was some serious shit he sent my way. Allow me to show you…

From left across the top starts with a little Hip-Hop and food related reading material - a clamshell VHS copy of Kill the Golden Goose (staring Ed Parker!) – a VHS copy of Hurricane Smith – a VHS copy of American Ninja (which will look nice next to my copy of American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt!) – and the final VHS belongs to, The Glove (!)!

Down on the bottom from left to right (all DVD) starts with Abel Ferrara's 'R Xmas – an Exploitation Cinema Double Feature featuring the films Mausoleum and Blood Song -  Teenage Catgirls in Heat – Alex Cox's Straight Hell – and last but certainly not least, Star Knight, a film I had not heard of until I read a review over at the Bug's place. I'm in for a good time from what I remember. 

So while this is a whole ton of awesome, the coolest of the cool for me is that copy of The Glove (!) on VHS. You may or may not know (or care, for that matter) that the first blog review I ever wrote was for The Glove. Heck, I was even lucky enough to be able to talk a bit about the film with the great John Saxon himself. So yeah, that shit is cool.

So this post is a bit bloated, but I was simply too excited about this great package I received and I simply had to share it with you all. Thanks so much to Zach for these incredible gifts, and I hope to one day repay him by letting him open up my package! Wait?

Where My Monster Video Watch-Dogs At?!

The latest issue of BThroughZ is upon us, and with that comes yet another mediocre review from yours truly. This month I take a look at 1984's Monster Dog, a werewolf film directed by the great Claudio Fragasso. As if having the maestro behind Troll 2 wasn't enough poop in this bowl, Monster Dog also stars one Alice Cooper, which creates the perfect opportunity for a few incredible musical set pieces (as you'll see in the video below). Check out my review (by clicking HERE!), and while you're at it, check out the slew of other great articles found inside this wonderful online zine.  

Since we're sort of on the subject of magazines, I wanted to mention that the upcoming issue of Video Watchdog (issue 160 to be exact) contains a contribution from good friend of CNAMB, Jeff Allard. You may know Jeff from his blog, Dinner With Max Jenke, and if you do, then you know what a fantastic writer Jeff is as well as being an extremely knowledgeable horror fan. Jeff's featured piece is an in-depth look back at one of my favorite genre TV shows growing up, Friday the 13th: The Series! Video Watchdog is without a doubt one of the finest genre magazines in publication and it's made all the finer with Jeff involved, so I encourage you all to show some support and pick up the issue. I just got mine in the mail and am ecstatic to read Jeff's article, and I certainly want to congratulate him on this greatly deserved achievement!

Black Christmas 2006: Just Like the One I Used to Know?

I won't bother going into the boring details of my personal thoughts on remakes as that always seems to be so much of the focus when actually sitting down to review one. It's almost as if you need to explain your stance beforehand. It's as simple as I enjoy them so long as they are good, which is the case with any film I watch, essentially. Last Death-cember brought about a review of Bob Clark's Black Christmas, a film that I simply adore for a number of reasons, many of which you can learn about by reading that review. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to read it…back already? Okay, so It's a year later now, and I figured it would be kind of fun (heavy focus on kind of) to watch and review the 2006 remake of, Black Christmas. So that's what I did, obviously. I mean, I am writing a review for it, aren't I?

Moving on, the film has a basic set-up with a group of sorority sisters getting knocked off one-by-one on Christmas Eve. Easy enough, right? Well, not so much as things take a complicated turn when it is revealed as to why someone is killing them. As opposed to the original film, there is no actual mystery as to who is behind the murders. *SPOLIERS!* In fact, it's all simply laid out on the table in what is a number of lengthy and obnoxiously overbearing flashbacks, detailing a story about some creep ball named Billy, whom was locked in the attic for many years after he witnessed his abusive mother and her new boy toy murder his father.

Now, Billy's ma dukes is, well, to put it simply, cock hungry and one night when her man is too drunk to fuck, she decides that it's time make up for all the years of abuse she put him through by going up in the attic and banging him. Naturally, this one time encounter results in Billy's mom becoming pregnant with her own son's child. I know, gross. Oh, and if that wasn't strange enough, I should probably mention that Billy is yellow? Like, for whatever reason, dude has yellow skin and that is partially why his mother hated him, even though she would eventually bone him. Yellow. Multivitamin colored urine, yellow. All of this whacky nonsense results in a murder spree thanks to a recently escaped from a mental asylum Billy and his inbred daughter, who looks a lot like Nicole Bass, come to think of it. *END SPOILERS!*

Black Christmas - or, Black X-Mas as it was sometimes marketed as when trying to capture the attention of those kids and their skateboards – is a remake of a film that is considered to be very influential on the Slasher and horror genre. It's looked at as a classic of sorts. This time around, you have a film that is influenced by the success of remakes and in return is lumped in with an era of unoriginality. It would seem to have the exact opposite reputation of its influence, and essentially does little to discern itself from the pack, despite its incredibly odd backstory. 

Even though I somewhat appreciate the bold (and bonkers) story choices that were made in a Hollywood driven remake, it all feels so cheap. Like, if you really need to spend more than 25 minutes explaining backstory, you are doing no service to the characters at hand. You know, the ones we are supposed to care about in the present day. Not that they're the types of horror characters that one can actually feel for as they are about as interesting as a mouth full of yellow starburst and all that blame can be placed solely on the writing. This is a group of female characters that are as uninspired and uninteresting as it gets, which is very unfortunate with a cast that is actually very solid.

The mostly all female cast consist of a slew of familiar faces, many of which I actually really enjoy watching on screen. Of course, I may be biased as I find most of the actresses to be more than easy on the eyes, and this is certainly a great looking cast for sure, but I do appreciate them for their acting as much as their physical appeal. I mean, casting Lacey Chabert and Mary Elizabeth Winstead is certainly a positive mark for me, but to give them no meat to chew on (yowza!) with their bland characters, then they are nothing more than good actresses that are being used simply as objects of visual stimulation. The actresses aren't challenged with characters that have depth nor are they interesting in any way, shape or form. Pretty girls in a film that seems to be a little too much about veneer, which doesn't end with the cast.

I'm sure many would be quick to piss on it, but in my opinion, Black Christmas is actually a pretty solid film on a technical level. It's not comparable to the original, at all, but there are a fair share of standout shots to be found in the film. In addition, what is possibly the only thing that writer/director Glen Morgan semi-successfully carried over from the '74 film is a nice looking Christmas aesthetic. To be fair, there is no way someone could recreate the awesome holiday look of the original without making a movie set in the 70s (and I would LOVE to see Ti West take a shot), but I would say that this is close to as good as can be done for a modern day set holiday tale. I simply love Christmas decorations, and right from the first shot of the film, with a great looking house covered in fat Christmas light bulbs, I actually became incredibly pumped for the movie. What can I say, I'm easily memorized by pretty lights and colors. And women.

In the end, there are just barely enough positives that keep Black Christmas from being a complete lump of coal. There are a good amount of kills, most of which are decent but they are also very repetitive. It seems the only way someone can die in this movie is to be stabbed in the eye(s) with a bag over their head. As far as modern day Slasher films go, Black Christmas is sub par, but not a complete loss. The wild Billy backstory, the pretty Christmas lights, the attractive cast and a scene where Billy eats flesh made Christmas cookies makes Black Christmas worth at least a viewing. It's the type of holiday Slasher film that will be nice to pop in every few years when something different is needed outside of the usual suspects.

Great Gift Ideas For: Brundlefly

What exactly does one get when Christmas shopping for someone like a post transformation Seth Brundle? It's not as easy as you'd think. Brundlefly's physical form is quite odd in its shape, so a nice holiday sweater is out of the question. He's not so much into his looks, either, so you can forget about picking him up a 6 month gym membership with unlimited tanning. And without actual ears, what would be the point of getting him an iPod?

If you're shopping for a picky person, or fly, such as Brundlefly, you have to think outside the box and maybe take a look at his interests and likes. What is his passion? Well, family unity is clearly first thing on his mind, so why not try and go for a gift certificate to the Olive Garden? It's the perfect present for a family that is in need of a little bonding, and boy do those breadsticks taste so great, especially 'cause they're endless! Just make sure you go when it's not too busy, you know, because Brundlefly has not the greatest of table manners.

One thing I notice is, when Brundlefly is off working those late nights breaking into abortion clinics, he needs to take a break but just doesn't have the time to stop somewhere to pick up a quick sip to eat. It's a clinic-to-clinic lifestyle he lives. So, I'm thinking a nice 24oz thermos would make for the perfect solution for a fly on the go. Hey, you could even fill it with some meat and vegetables before wrapping it, then the entire family will laugh and clap as they watch as he pukes on it so it dissolves and becomes a form in which is edible for him. Hey look, he's making fresh Olive Garden alfredo sauce! YUM!

Lastly, I know I sometimes like to buy my mother an adorable Christmas ornament as a present. It's a great way to remind her about how disappointed she is in me when she goes to decorate her tree year after year. The problem is, what kind of ornaments are out there that a fly/human hybrid would enjoy hanging every holiday season? Well, here's where you can get creative. What do flies love? C'mon…think about it. That's right, they love shit! Now, how about a nice home made ornament made out of some form of feces? It's cheap and you can decorate it with glitter, put your picture on it, heck, you can even stick a candy cane through it if it's soft enough. Now, imagine Brundlefly's face when he hangs up an ornament that he can actually call his own. This Christmas is turning out, AWESOME!!   

So there you have it. When shopping for someone like Brundlefly, sometimes you just have to think outside the pod. Happy shopping, kiddies!

P.S. I am fully aware that this entire post is probably null and void due to the fact that there is a 99% chance that Brundlefly is Jewish. I do believe, however, that the fly was Irish catholic, so it works.

All I Want For Christmas…

…Is to learn how to break dance! I mean, I already have the sick moves, ya know, but I need to get to that next level if I want to even come close to competing in the 10th annual Saint Mary's church group dance-off. I think that our friend, Alfonso Ribeiro, is just the man to get me there.