What exactly does one get when Christmas shopping for someone like a post transformation Seth Brundle? It's not as easy as you'd think. Brundlefly's physical form is quite odd in its shape, so a nice holiday sweater is out of the question. He's not so much into his looks, either, so you can forget about picking him up a 6 month gym membership with unlimited tanning. And without actual ears, what would be the point of getting him an iPod?
If you're shopping for a picky person, or fly, such as Brundlefly, you have to think outside the box and maybe take a look at his interests and likes. What is his passion? Well, family unity is clearly first thing on his mind, so why not try and go for a gift certificate to the Olive Garden? It's the perfect present for a family that is in need of a little bonding, and boy do those breadsticks taste so great, especially 'cause they're endless! Just make sure you go when it's not too busy, you know, because Brundlefly has not the greatest of table manners.
One thing I notice is, when Brundlefly is off working those late nights breaking into abortion clinics, he needs to take a break but just doesn't have the time to stop somewhere to pick up a quick sip to eat. It's a clinic-to-clinic lifestyle he lives. So, I'm thinking a nice 24oz thermos would make for the perfect solution for a fly on the go. Hey, you could even fill it with some meat and vegetables before wrapping it, then the entire family will laugh and clap as they watch as he pukes on it so it dissolves and becomes a form in which is edible for him. Hey look, he's making fresh Olive Garden alfredo sauce! YUM!
Lastly, I know I sometimes like to buy my mother an adorable Christmas ornament as a present. It's a great way to remind her about how disappointed she is in me when she goes to decorate her tree year after year. The problem is, what kind of ornaments are out there that a fly/human hybrid would enjoy hanging every holiday season? Well, here's where you can get creative. What do flies love? C'mon…think about it. That's right, they love shit! Now, how about a nice home made ornament made out of some form of feces? It's cheap and you can decorate it with glitter, put your picture on it, heck, you can even stick a candy cane through it if it's soft enough. Now, imagine Brundlefly's face when he hangs up an ornament that he can actually call his own. This Christmas is turning out, AWESOME!!
So there you have it. When shopping for someone like Brundlefly, sometimes you just have to think outside the pod. Happy shopping, kiddies!
P.S. I am fully aware that this entire post is probably null and void due to the fact that there is a 99% chance that Brundlefly is Jewish. I do believe, however, that the fly was Irish catholic, so it works.
…Is to learn how to break dance! I mean, I already have the sick moves, ya know, but I need to get to that next level if I want to even come close to competing in the 10th annual Saint Mary's church group dance-off. I think that our friend, Alfonso Ribeiro, is just the man to get me there.
While so many enjoy their holiday celebration with classic songs such as, White Christmas, Little Drummer Boy, O Holy Night and so on and so forth, I prefer to spend my chilly evenings snuggled up to the first lady of funk, Jan Terri. Thankfully for me (and frankly, for all of us), Jan has a Christmas classic of her own and, much like her personality, it has a touch of sass that's not often found in your average holiday jam.
See, the thing about Jan is she actually tells a story with her music. With Rock and Roll Santa, Jan has a tale to tell, a tale involving a walk near, well, something I actually couldn't make out, when suddenly Jan sees something she cannot believe!?! Santa Claus jammin' and wockin' on a GUITAR inside of some store that clearly sells nothing. Nothing but sex for Santa, apparently. I mean, it's obvious that when you're a guitar playing Santa, you have no problem commanding bitches to sit on your lap. If you can snag Jan Terri for a seat on your north pole, on top of all those other girls (and even a dude!), then you truly are rock and roll, Santa.
As with all Jan Terri videos, there is an incredible focus on production value. From Jan's incredible puffy winter coat and red shoes ensemble, to the concert hall where Santa spends his time rocking out, this is grade A art direction we're dealing with here. Most importantly is the way in which this music video was shot. Rock and Roll Santa's DP pulls out all the stops to convey the spirit of Christmas, with amazing shots of mall decorations, store front displays that aren't even Christmas related and of course, Jan making hard moves next to some river. Hot. Hot in a nice Christmas way, of course. After watching this, it is clear that the only thing I want or need for Christmas is, Jan Terri to strum my guitar string, wock and woll style.
I had surprisingly heard very little about 1981's Death Hunt, and the reason I say surprisingly is because Death Hunt contains a cast that testosterone dreams are made of. The top billed actors are Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin, two actors that are top tier cinema tough guys with enough rugged presence to chap your lips. Loosely based on a true story, Bronson plays Albert Johnson, a lone wolf trapper in the Canadian mountains that runs into a group of dirtballs at the tail end of a vicious dog fight. Johnson quickly makes enemies with the crew of jackals when he forcibly saves the losing dog moments from it's deathbed. This pisses off the dogs owner as well as his easily influential and simple minded pals, so they try to seek vengeance by attacking Johnson at his remote cabin, where things do not go their way when one of them ends up dead.
This is where Lee Marvin's character is introduced, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police Sergeant named Edgar Millen. After the incident at Johnson's place, the leader of the crew and the dogs owner, Hazel (Ed Lauter), lies and says that Johnson attacked them, instead of vice versa. Knowing that Hazel and his crew are probably not being truthful, Millen still has to take Johnson in for questioning. Unfortunately, after a botched attempt at a friendly confrontation, Johnson is forced to protect his freedom, going on a defensive run from the law and taking out whomever makes the mistake of getting in his way.
Outside of Bronson and Marvin, Death Hunt has a vast role of characters that played by some great character actors of the past, many that most should recognize. I already brought up Ed Lauter as the sort of main antagonist, but there are also small roles as backup baddies played by people from Maury Chaykin to William Sanderson. Andrew Stevens also stars as the youthful and straight laced Constable Alvin Adams, who joins up with the very contrasting Millen character and his partner Sundog, who is played by Carl Weathers. Oh, did I forget to mention Carl Weathers is in this film? Yeah, can you smell the Stetson yet? Or should I say, Mandom?
With two fantastic tough guy leads, a cast of great character actors, a snowy mountain setting and you have yourself what is a perfect recipe for brooding action success. Well, maybe not perfect, but luckily, Death Hunt doesn't let down and while there is not a lot of wild action on screen, the action that is produced is exciting and worth a jump kick of joy. Death Hunt is much more of a character driven film and has the heart and soul of a western in almost everyway outside of the year in which it's set.
What really works best is how much depth the characters have and how they interact with one another. There are these little moments of honest interaction that are handled in a very subdued but telling fashion. Small things like Weather's character – while drinking heavily with Millen, Adams and an Eskimo woman of great size – reveals that his birth name is George Washington Lincoln Brown. Millen clearly has ribbed him for this presidential heavy name in the past and how it is shared with the new kid on the block is just a nice and real moment, showing that there is true history between the characters - a dynamic. These are moments that may bore some but for a film fan like myself, I find them to be fascinating.
There are many unsaid elements to Death Hunt, one of them being a strange but unsurprising bound that Millen and Johnson share with one another. They contrast each other heavily in how they live their lives, but the kind of men they are, is what makes them very similar to one another. Millen is leading the posse to find and capture Johnson, and he is the only man around with the capabilities and smarts to do it. Before these events, Millen is a grumpy, bitter and uncaring man on the surface. There are small glimpses of the real him (in front of a girlfriend of sorts, played by Angie Dickinson), but he keeps much of it bottled up (especially in front of other men), until he finds a purpose worthy of his time and skill...chasing a very dangerous wanted man through unsafe conditions.
Millen also has a strong respect for Johnson and knows he is a man that is very dangerous, but it is his job to stop him, and he is the only man with the ability to do so. There is even a moment when he says the reason he should be the one to stop Johnson is, Johnson deserves to be stopped by him, meaning, not by some shmuck with no clue or sense of respect, much like the guys that started all of this. While Johnson and Millen only meet face to face for no more than a minute, both of these men have a bound that grows out of this understanding of one another. These are two men that believe in honor and respect and while they are in opposite positions, they show consideration for those positions. That is where the film is strongest is the ungraspable bond that these 'real' men share.
Death Hunt was directed by Peter (don't call me Death) Hunt, and the film has a wonderful aesthetic with the frigid setting. I simply love the winter gear worn by the characters, with the big ass furry snow boots and hats made from some sort of dead animal. However, I watched it on instant view and the transfer they had looked a little tight and unflattering to what might otherwise look like a gorgeous film. I would love to see a proper version of the movie, that's for sure. Either way, Death Hunt is well made and thought out character study with a top notch cast and so much testosterone that I had to shave nine times during the film's runtime.
With the holiday season now upon us, as well as me being a bit pickier with my movie choices as of late, things might be getting a little scarce around here at the good ol' Horror Hangover. Most every movie on TV is a Christmas one, and while I certainly do enjoy me a good, or even bad, Christmas movie from time-to-time, there aren't many feel good holiday movies that could actually make the cut. It takes something special, and you will know what I mean by special when the time comes, if it does indeed come. I don't even know what that means…trying to be all cryptic and shit.
Anyways, let's get on with the hangover. As I said, it's a short one, but it packs a heck of a punch, and that is certainly the case with our first film, Hero, which is on IFC at 10:25. If you've never had the chance to check out this magnificent Martial Arts film, then you need to do yourself a favor and sit down and watch it. It has a cast that is simply to die for, a powerful story and amazingly choreographed fight scenes that are only enhanced by just how beautiful the film looks in every capacity. Even if you aren't down with Martial Arts cinema, then you need to get over it and watch Hero. I guarantee you won't be disappointed.
Next up, we can all head over to Sundance for a 1:40 showing of Capturing the Friedmans, a documentary about a family that is torn apart when a father and son are investigated for child molestation. I've actually not had the chance to catch up with this one yet, but have heard great things about it for quite some time, and it is sitting in my Netflix instant queue just waiting for the right moment. I don't have Sundance, so I won't be catching it this time around but with its quality reputation, I figured it was worth sharing.
And since this is such a scant hangover, I'll toss in a bonus one with The Walking Dead on AMC, which is showing every episode starting as 4:30 and going right on up until the season finale at 10:00! I've really enjoyed the show thus far and cannot wait to see how things end, though, I do not look forward to the long wait in store before the next season begins.
A Charlie Brown Christmas has been a staple of Christmastime joy and happiness since 1965 as well as a favorite of mine since I can remember. Now, while I truly love the music by the Vince Guaraldi Trio, I'll opt to take the Heavy Metal route with this dance party for no other reason than it's funny. The song used in this video is titled, Perfect Night For A Hanging (and what night isn't, honestly?), performed by the Christian (naturally) Metal band, Tourniquet.
Tourniquet is okay enough, I suppose…they've made a few decent thrash songs but overall, they're pretty corny (Christian Metal, remember?). Still, the joy to the world that is to be had with this pair up is as simple as watching the various Peanut characters singing the lyrics. It's just so hysterical that I cannot stop laughing! Okay, maybe it's not. Maybe it's only moderately funny and would be way better if it were a Black Metal band. Well, too late now…enjoy!
Well, in case you haven't yet noticed, it's officially the first of December, but for us here at CNAMB, that can only mean one thing…it's officialy the first day of DEATH-CEMEBER!
You're in the spirit now, right?! Now, many of you have no clue what Death-cemeber is, well, it's simple. It's a month were all the films reviewed will be either holiday related or will take place in some sort of winter setting. I have many times before claimed my love for snow and winter conditions in the cinema I watch, and I am a sucker like no one else for Christmas, so for me, this month is the awesomest month of the year outside of October.
Last year brought forth a massive amount of reviews in Death-cemeber (click on the creepy golden Santa on your right to see them all), but I have unfortunately had a very busy last few weeks, so I will be sort of playing catch up to make this month as special as it deserves. I do have a good idea of what I will be reviewing, which will be films that cover a nice multitude of genres, whereas last year was almost all holiday horror films that were reviewed. Most every horror writer will be doing a similar holiday theme, so I will try as hard as possible to stay as far from the typical stuff as I can (still waiting for that Chanukah or Kwanza horror film to be made…). However, I'm sure at least one or two holiday horror films will make it in because frankly, they are so much fun to watch.
I've been pumped for this month since the minute Halloween ended, and now that it's finally here, I look forward to a month filled with blood covered snow, and I hope you do too.
