The Horror Hangover

Here we are once again to bring you the best cure for a hangover - which is to just lay there crying and hoping for death while watching movies, essentially - and this day gives us a slew of worthwhile televised cinema to drool to throughout your painful afternoon. So, try and pull yourself together, go grab a cup of coffee, take a draught beer dump, wish for death, then sit that ass back down for The Horror Hangover.    

10:00 gets us started as AMC beats its own chest in the hopes of causing a wicked bruise when they show their Fear of Mark Wahlberg. Can you blame them, dude was down with the funky bunch for crying out loud. In all seriousness, I have always liked Fear, in the guiltiest of ways, naturally, but it is a fun rollercoaster of a ride that hopefully doesn't result in Wahlberg digging deep to Wild Horse for you.   

Next, we head over to IFC for a 10:30 showing of the supernatural thriller, Dark Mirror. I actually reviewed this film for Paracinema waaaay back before I had even the slightest grasp of grammar (like it's better now), and I found it to be a mediocre but worthwhile enough watch. It's a pretty low budget affair and, with its lead character being a woman under some sort of duress, Dark Mirror has a slight Lifetime quality to it. It does have some good moments as well as a few good ideas to boot, so I can give this a recommend to anyone that can barely handle the conscious world do to alcohol intake.  

Now we can go right ahead and spend the rest of the day with the ever so reliable SyFy. We'll start with an 11:00 showing of Timber Falls, a film I have never seen, but it looks decent enough and the reviews aren't too bad. So it may not be the worst way to spend your afternoon.

After Timber falls, SyFy kicks the map in a creek and ends up taking an unfortunate Wrong Turn at 1:00. Wrong Turn is a solid horror flick with a pretty strong cast, even with Eliza Dushku acting like a dude. Yeah we get it, you're tough because you put your foot up on a log and cross your arms on your knee with an intense look in your eye. Great look, honey. 

Finishing off the day, SyFy follows up Wrong Turn with its sequel, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End, at 3:00. This is a sequel that has shown up on more than one Hangover, and I had not seen it any of those previous times. However, after a $5 purchase from the bargain bin at a soulless superstore, I have finally seen this much applauded sequel and thought it was good…enough. Maybe not as great as everyone claims, but for a direct-to-DVD sequel, it is certainly a solid and enjoyable horror film. However, I am sure everyone that loves the film had shit expectations, were very surprised by it not sucking, then told me so, thus giving me some smidgen of expectation (none of that made sense, did it?). Let me put it this way, I don't regret buying it, especially for the price I paid.

And after all that nonsensical gibberish our day is done, so thanks again for stopping by, and I'll see you next week.

Jan Terri's Friday Night Dance Party!

What up all you hopping hepcats! I'm simply thrilled to see you've taken time out of your day to join me for another edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, but as the title would suggest, it is once again being hijacked. But who dare hijack such a well respected weekly event such as this? Well, there is only one person capable of doing so and that is the DIY diva herself, Jan Terri! The past few Dance Parties have been pretty good but there seemed to be something missing, so I thought it would be a swell idea to have my good friend Jan (not short for January, despite what many claim) come in and show us how to do something we all may have forgotten how to do…have fun.

I know I know, that is a whole lot of Miss Terri to be seen in one sitting but much like a bag of Lays, you can't watch just one (that makes absolutely no sense). Seriously, this woman is gold incarnate - I can sit here all night long just watching her sway back and forth with every movement simply mesmerizing me, calling me to get behind and wrap my arms around her waist, joining her in the off-beat rhythm as she sings into my eager ear. What I would give to be a pair of leather pants after seeing that Losing You video…that bitch can stretch me as tight as she wants.

While this isn't the usual Dance Party material, there is a connection, in a way, and that is Jan made these videos herself, on VHS no less. I think anyone that grew up in the VHS era can really appreciate what this broad brought to the table. Sex appeal, a voice, style, sass, beauty, moves that will make your privates sweat and all of it captured on a camera bigger than my car. Most people used video cameras to make home movie of their asshole kids eating dirt, or to record some lame soccer game, or maybe even to make an awful Zombie movie. But not Jan, oh hell no, that mother put on a real show with each incredible song brought to life using a multitude of genres. She is an inspiration as well as a goddess, and I am so excited to have had such a presence with us tonight. She is a true VHS Vixen, and a dear friend.

House of Wax

As the summer heat beats intensely pounding fiercely on my back, I hope and pray that the season will soon end – it's as simple as that. While darkness and chill slowly fill the air, I stroll up the walkway - with a bit less despair. The cold breeze is strong and digs deep inside my lung, I then soon realize that the time has nearly come. With each little step I take I have absolutely no clue, just what waits for me up ahead - oh whoopee doo. I reach inside a box of gold plated metal, but did not find bills, junk nor my Netflix copy of Barbra Streisand's Yentl. Instead I felt the full color pages of something great, something grand, something I find impossible to hate. All my humid summer woes were suddenly fast forgot, as I quickly entered my darkened home – without even the slightest of thought. The time has finally come and it's nearly too exciting for me to handle, as I opened up the 2010 Halloween edition of - Yankee Candle.      

The Horror Hangover

Hey hey hangers, it's time to gear up for another day of wondering how you got home last night - why is there a mixture of apple sauce and angel hair all over your kitchen floor - and who the hell are those people in your bed?! Well, now is not the time to answer these burning questions, as I think it would just be easier to let that shit play out on its own. Kick back, get comfy and prepare once again, for The Horror Hangover. Presented by Taco Bell's Über Taco Nacho Fiesta Torpedo.

Hope you're ready for the insanity of an all Lifetime/SyFy afternoon. To some, that's what life is all about, to others, it's time to head for the hills, even if they do have eyes. Wherever you may fall, the SyFy/Lifetime combo is a lethal one indeed, one that calls for a mixture of hair pulling, CGI monsters, torn women, bad medieval accents and of course, pure gold. Oh, and a fantastic chance that Capser Van Dien may show up somewhere. Or so we hope. 

Where should we start…okay, we'll get rolling with SyFy for an early showing of Dungeons & Dragons: Wrath of the Dragon God at 9:30. This is actually a direct-to-DVD sequel to the 2000 D&D film, one that I admittedly have an incredible soft spot for. So I would probably give this a shot if it's on TV and I have nothing else to do, like wash my hair, or feed my cat, or maybe clip my toenails.

Up next, SyFy keeps it moving with Dark Relic at noon. And no, it's not about George Hamilton…he has more of a golden complexion as opposed to dark. Dark Relic is another movie set in the middle ages but with a touch of horror added for fun. From what I read about it, the acting is pretty good, the story is decent, but the film is not the best. But really, what can you expect when there is no Van Dien around?  

At 2:00 SyFy keeps with its Medieval theme with Witchville, witch has a TV Guide description of: A prince returns home and finds that his father is dead and the kingdom has been overrun by witches. Sold.

Finishing off the day for SyFy is In the Name of the King: A Dungeon Siege Tale at 4:00. Now, I am already tired of this genre just typing about it, but this Uwe Boll film is so entertaining for many reasons. Two of them being Mathew Lillard and Ray Liotta's intense performances. It is pretty terrible, but I have grown to enjoy Boll's films over the years. He makes true modern B-Movies without even trying.    

Boy, this Hangover just got really long all of the sudden, but luckily Lifetime isn't as bulbous as SyFy today, so why don't we head on over there for the last few films of the afternoon. First up comes Devil in the Flesh 2: The Fleshinator at 1:00. Okay, maybe it's not The Fleshinator, but I would imagine that there was a point in time when the thought crossed someone's mind in the marketing department. I can't imagine this one won't be solid – just look at the DVD artwork. 

And finally, our last film of the day, Wicked, comes to us at 3:00. Wicked stars Julia Stiles in one of her earlier roles, and out of everything on today's Hangover, this one seems to be the most interesting, as it is about a young girl that wants to be "with" her dad, and no one will stand in her way, not even her own mother. Kind of gross, but it makes for a perfect Lifetime movie and the perfect ending to this week's Hangover.

Jason's Friday Night Dance Party!

After a full year of dance parties presented by the son of a hundred maniacs, it's about damn time good old Jason got a little love around here, and what better time than on Friday the 13th? The answer is…there is no better time than Friday the 13th to show some respect for one of cinemas finest Slahser veterans, Jason M. Voorhees. Actually, I don't think he has a known middle initial, but it just sounded better. You know, more official. So, whether it be Ari Lehman, Warrington Gillette, Steve Daskawisz, Richard Brooker, Ted White, Tom Morga, C. J. Graham, Dan Bradley, Kane Hodder (!), Ken Kirzinger, Derek Mears or whomever The Man Behind the Mask may be in any given film, Jason is a horror icon that is rivaled by few, and I am happy to dedicate this party to that mongoloid maggot-faced sonuvabitch, on this - his special day.    

Written by Kane Roberts, Tom Kelly and performer Alice Cooper, He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask) appeared on the Constrictor album but is best known as the theme song for 1986's Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives. The song was written as a sort of celebration for the return of Jason Voorhees after his annoying hiatus in A New Beginning, where Jason turned out to not actually be Jason, in a Friday movie that turned out not to be a good Friday movie. So you can guess that Jason's return was worth celebrating. 

Now, we all know that Freddy ruled the roost when it came to awesome music videos and song dedications, but He's Back (The Man Behind the Mask) is as good as anything from the Freddy camp, and it's unfortunate that there weren't a few more quality songs and videos like it for the Friday series. The song is incredibly catchy with an infectious chorus, and the use of ki-ki-ki, ma-ma-ma-ma simply brings a smile to my rotted face, though I am wearing a mask, so you can't tell. It's certainly great that the song is brought to life by Alice Cooper, someone that has always been so heavily influenced by horror and all things wicked in his music and Grand-Guignolesque stage act. Plus, he is Freddy's pops, so there is that whole connection there too.

Anyways, fantastic video, and I hope it starts your Friday spent with Jason films off on the right foot. Enjoy your Friday the 13th everyone, before you lack the blood and innards to do so.  

Dumpster Diving For Gold: Freddy Krueger Stick-up

I love going to garage sales - I find them interesting and oddly fun, plus, you can find some really cool shit at them from time-to-time. My main drive is always seeing what I can find that is movie related, namely VHS tapes and maybe even some decent DVDs if I'm lucky. This past weekend brought us to a vast quantity of garage sales, with one of them being located in a parking lot with about 15-20 individual set-ups of sellers just selling their dusty lives away for a quarter.

We had looked at a ton of shit and found very little to be excited about, and I saw absolutely nothing movie wise that was worth more than a glance, which is rare as well as unfortunate. As I went in to one tent, I noticed some pretty hefty prices right off the bat. I looked at my traveling partner/lover and said: "are these dudes on crack?" only to quickly realize that most of what we were looking at was collectable stuff, much of it being old toys and an assortment of neat movie and TV memorabilia. All of this stuff was pretty awesome to look at – nothing that I would actually buy mind you but cool nonetheless.

That is when I spotted the twinkling eye of a familiar face looking back at me from his hiding spot in a far corner behind some random M*A*S*H toys. My eyes widened as he tipped his hat to me, knowing I was smitten by him from the moment our eyes met. As I reached over to pick him up, it was as if we were two lovers meeting at a train station after being separated for nearly a decade. We embraced, I squealed like a little girl, and I looked at the price - which was $8 bucks but I worked that ass for $5 – I paid the loud and wicked tan lady her cash, and off we went into the sunset…Freddy and I.             

So what exactly is it that I found? It's the Freddy Krueger Stick-up, a "Horribly Authentic" toy (?) that has a suction cup making it perfect for sticking anywhere you please (no, not there!), thus the stick-up aspect. It's from 1988, which would pair it up with A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master as well as the height of Freddy's mainstream popularity.

Here are a few incredibly detailed and focused pictures I snapped so you could check out this fine piece of movie memorabilia…   

Sure, it's totally cheesy, but that is totally why I love it and had to have it. Seeing something like this while journeying about garage sales is such a score, and I definitely would have paid more than the $5 dollars that I did for it. This is some serious evidence as to the power of marketing and the insane popularity of Freddy Krueger, which is what really makes this thing so great. It's the lamest toy I have ever seen, but it says a whole lot about an era where pop culture was ruled by Freddy Krueger, so I am nothing short of ecstatic to own this thing.  I think I might stick it up on my ceiling, just so I can go to sleep looking at it every night. Come to think of it, that might not be such a good idea unless I snatch some Hypnocil from Nancy's purse.  

Moon: You Saw Me Standing Alone

Duncan Jones nostalgic sci-fi space romp, Moon, is a mostly well known film in certain circles, with those circles mainly consisting of people who are passionate fans of cinema in one form or another. Outside of those too cool for film-school film fans, Moon is not a recognizable name (unless you're talking New Moon, of course), and the general public has little to no clue about the movie. At least that is what I assume but my assumption is more than likely spot on.

That alone somewhat speaks for how the film was completely neglected by the Academy this year - in a ceremony that applauded ten films instead of five - so they could make room for movies more along the lines of the summer blockbuster. Or, to put it in simpler terms, make room for films that the general public know about, thus, drumming up better ratings from the "average person." Basically, popularity over substance becomes even more prevalent.

Most passionate film buffs that have seen Moon have applauded actor Sam Rockwells' performance as Sam Bell, often saying he was criminally snubbed by the Academy. After finally seeing the film for myself - with abnormal expectations mind you - I could not agree any more. Rockwell's performance is a multilayered one, and his range makes him more than capable of pulling off such a complex and well written character. If he couldn't, the film would falter greatly.

Sam Bell is a character that faces tough questions about his actual being and is forced to do so with only himself to try and answer them. He is incredibly sad in many ways, and the bleakness that comes from ones questioning of their own existence when one lacks that existence is more than simple food for thought. However, the average moviegoer would prefer comfort food as opposed to something made with a complex recipe and foreign ingredients. Not that there's anything wrong with a little comfort food, but a good and healthy diet it certainly does not make when that is all that one consumes.

Robbed of an Oscar nod, sure, but Rockwell is not the only crater on Moon's surface that was more than deserving of some golden love, and I'm not talking about the R. Kelley kind. Moon is astonishingly made on every technical level with an eye pleasing 'aged future' set design that harkened back to the Science Fiction cinema of yore – the smooth and engulfing emptiness that is captured by the film's DP, Gary Shaw, is top notch – and the story, originally written by Jones, has the capability to rope in the viewer, giving just enough slack so that the narrative remains captivating until the film's reveal and ultimate conclusion. And all of these things were achieved with a $5 million dollar budget?! Wow, who would have thought that a wonderful film could be made for less than $50 million dollars. But it wasn't about the money (what?!), instead, it was about using the muscle in most everyone's head (neglected or not), the brain, to transcend budgetary restraints.

If you ask me, and you did by reading this, Moon - based off the other films that I have seen that also were awarded the prestige of being recognized by the Academy - was deserving of a Best Cinematography, Art Direction, Director and Picture nomination. Shit, the very subdued but powerful score by Clint Mansell may even be worth at least a thought for Best Score. Getting back to the "big award," though, I just don't understand how with ten spots for Best Picture, there is no room for a film like Moon? I mean, it was smile inducing to see District 9 on there - it was a great movie, and I, as most were, was surprised by the nod it received for best picture. But was it better than Moon? Not at all.

The general audience might not get it and while that can be frustrating since it is they that determine what the Hollywood machine cranks out…they don't know any better. They are mindless cattle that would rather go and see a film to have something to do, like text and giggle at shit on the screen. On the other hand, the Academy of ARTS and SCIENCE, a group that is meant to honor the BEST that cinema has to offer, most certainly should know better. Shame on them for ignoring such a fantastic film, but kudos to Duncan Jones for making one.