CNAMB Turns One! Or 1?! Or Juan?! Whatever.

It's a celebration! One year ago today, I decided that I needed to curb my internet masturbating, but I just wasn't sure what I could do to keep my hairy hands busy. At first I thought about starting a gang, but I then realized I didn't own any nice wife beaters or bandanas. Then I thought about training to become Mr. Universe, but I'm not really all that into physical activity. Well, outside of the masturbating, naturally, but I was trying to stop that, remember? And then it finally dawned on me, I can start my own movie blog and make the world a better place by sharing my opinion about shit normal people don't care about! So I did, and that blog would just so happen to be this one, the one that kisses you on the places you most like to be kissed.

It seems like it has been much longer than a year since I first started this thing, and so much has changed in my personal life since I first clicked publish. Whether things were up or down in the real world, I have found a nice escape here, talking gibberish about movies, making great new friends, and laughing at the silly internet drama that unfolds every two or three months. CNAMB has grown quite a bit in the time since I started it, way more than I would have ever expected, and knowing that great people such as yourself actually take the time to read my random bologna simply warms my heart. Or that could just be the Goldschläger kicking in.

So here's a toast to one year of bad grammar, terribly tasteless dick and fart jokes, and of course, movies! So thanks again everyone, and since it is Friday Night, it would only be fitting to end this birthday celebration with a dance-splosion of epic proportions!

Carriers: Circle Circle Dot Dot

2009's Carriers is a film that went mostly unnoticed at the box office, as well as a film that no one really expected anything from (myself included), which could have had to do with the PG-13 rating, mixed with the somewhat youthful and attractive cast. I'm not one who believes that PG-13 horror cannot work, I just thought the movie looked weak and uninteresting. Still, when reviews came in and were mostly positive, I figured it was worth a look, and I am a sucker for any sort of Apocalyptic film, so my arm need not too much twisting.

Carriers keeps the story basic albeit slightly predictable, focusing on four survivors (played by Lou Taylor Pucci, Chris Pine, Piper Perabo, and Emily VanCamp) that are traveling the empty dessert highways as they try and survive a viral epidemic that has taken out much of the Earth's population. The story is simple, but doesn't treat the viewer as if they them self are simple. There is very little to no exposition, things unfold naturally and there is no over explanation as to what is going on. The film starts right off, without the usual back-story, and you really don't need it, as it becomes apparent through character interaction and the setting how things got the way they are.

While there are a handful of well staged moments of tension, Carriers is not really a "horror" movie per say. It's more of a dramatical road film, with the focus being mostly on the characters as they try and keep it together to survive this pandemic. The only threat posed is from the infected, as their presence can spread the sickness either through the air or through blood. Other wise, they are just men and women that are slowly fading away to death, not aggressive or rabid zombie type of monsters, which is a nice chance of pace. There are no big action moments or wild special effects, it's a low key drama fueled thriller that goes through the paranoia motions from time to time.

One could consider the film's antagonist to be the four main protagonists themselves. They live by rules to keep themselves safe from infection, and play by what is an everyman for himself game of survival when it comes to characters they have run-ins with. One of the portions of Carriers that I found myself enjoying most was the interaction between the four main characters and a father and his sick daughter that they run into (played by Christopher Meloni and Kiernan Shipka, respectively). Meloni is fantastic in this small role and the father/daughter characters are clearly used as instruments to pull at the viewer's heartstrings. In my case, It worked.

One of the few downfalls of the movie is it moves a bit slow at times, especially towards the end. However, the film is short, running at about 85 minutes, so there isn't much time for the film to wane too much on the viewers interest. Still, Carriers is good all around, with solid, simple direction from brothers Àlex and David Pastor. Everything about this film is simple, but it succeeds by doing what works and does so competently, without force fed plot points and exposition.

Matt-suzaka Loves Beef Stu

Do I really need to explain what this is? Pax is made of magic, Billy Love Stu, meme, blah blah blah. Just read it already.  

1: In Ten Words or Less, Describe Your Blog:

I'm not really sure how to describe my blog…damn.

2: During What Cinematic Era Where you Born?

F: The Halloween Era (Late 70's to Early 80's)

3: The Carrie Compatibility Question:

(straight guys and lesbians - make your choice from section B)

B: Sue Snell or Chris Hargensen, who would you take to the prom?

Can I pick Chris Hargensen as played by Emilie de Ravin? Well, I just did, so too late now isn't it.

4: You have been given an ungodly amount of money, and total control of a major motion picture studio - what would your dream Horror project be?

I would divide the cash out and use it to make multiple horror films with different people from different countries involved. The ability to have full creative control, without studio influence, would be amazing. And I personally would love to make a film in the style of a Giallo/80's Brian De Palma film. 

5: What horror film "franchise" that others have embraced, left you cold?

The chaotic and unfocused camera work of the (death scenes in the) Saw franchise will always drive me up a wall. All of those great ideas and inventive ways to kill people, only to be wasted by sped up seizer like cinematography. I cannot look past a visual pallet and the hyperkinetic impact the films have had on cinema is not a good one on an aesthetic level.   

6:  Is Michael Bay the Antichrist?

Nah, the people who give him the money and power are the antichrists. Them and Sandy Bullock, of course.

7: Dracula, The Wolf Man, The Frankenstein Monster - which one of these classic villains scares you, and why?

None of them actually scare me nor did they when I was a kid from what I remember, but I'll use science to make my pick, which would have to be Dracula. The Wolfman and Frankenstein are, at heart, good people under their horrific surfaces. Dracula, on the other hand, is not. He is a monster that is a monster at all times, so that would make him the most frightening. To make him an even greater threat, as opposed to the other two monsters, Dracula has an attractive facade, which works in a very deceptive way.   

8: Tell me about a scene from a NON HORROR Film that scares the crap out of you:

This is a great but really tough question because it can go so many different ways. While I would like to dig into the recesses of my youthful mind for something that frightened me, those scenes aren't as impactful to me as an adult. If I'm going to pick something that scares me now, it would have to be the prison stabbing scene of  Mark "Chopper" Read in 2000's Chopper. I hate it because I feel it, and that feeling is an awful one to have. 

9: Baby Jane Hudson invites you over to her house for lunch.  What do you bring?

I've never seen that film, but from the looks of it, she could use some Oil of Olay and a bowl of ice cream to cheer her up some.

10: So, between you and me, do you have any ulterior motives for blogging?  Come, on you can tell me, it will be our little secret, I won't tell a soul.

It's a great way to pick up chicks.

11: What would you have brought to Rosemary Woodhouse's baby shower?

The Pill.

12: Godzilla vs The Cloverfield Monster, who wins?

Godzilla has the advantage of girth and he can spit some hot ass shit, so it's a no brainer for me. Go-Godzilla!

13: If you found out that Rob Zombie was reading your blog, what would you post in hopes that he read it?

I would just repost my H2 review…that would tell him everything he needs to know about what he does wrong and what he does correctly in his films. 

14: What is your favorite NON HORROR FILM, and why?

Children of Men. The film is a masterpiece for more reasons than I care to explain.

15: If blogging technology did not exist, what would you be doing?

Working on my tan, breaking hearts and breaking necks. The usual.

Paracinema Shows A Little 'Restraint'

So as you can probably guess from the post title, I have a nice little review posted up and over at our friendly neighborhood Paracinema, so I direct you to head over there and read it immediately! Oh, the film is titled Restraint and is a 2008 Aussie thriller that I may or may not have enjoyed. You'll have to click on da link to find out for yourself.   

The Horror Hangover

It seems like it was just yesterday when you had the ability to walk straight, talk to people coherently and keep your bed free of urine. Boy how quickly things can change in the span of an evening, huh? It's okay, I understand and have been there myself. Well, maybe not the shitting in the pants part so much but pretty much everything else. Hey, at least you made it out of Saturday alive, and you shall be rewarded with yet another stupendous edition of, The Horror Hangover. Brought to you by Bayer.

Today actually marks a fantastic day in televised cinema with plenty of horrifying celluloid to keep the segment's namesake on point and true. We'll start by heading over to AMC for a double dose of classy horror beginning with The Silence of the Lambs tucking it away for a vaginal look at 10:30, only to be followed by Shelley Duvall looking her best in The Shining at 1:00.

If your not in the mood for rubbing lotion all over its skin (ya prude), 10:30 gives the gift of options in the form of the great comedic horror film, Shaun of the Dead on Comedy Central. And if THAT still doesn't float your smug little boat, just wait till 11:00 and you can watch Sleepy Hallow over at TNT. It's all about diversifying your options, people.

While we're on the subject of Tim Burton, it is he that leads us to our last bloody chunk of cinema for the day, and it comes to us courtesy of Horror Hangover BFF, SyFy. First up, SyFy gets in to the (just around the corner!) Halloween spirit with The Nightmare Before Christmas at 11:00. Keeping things on the upper level of horror cinema, SyFy takes a 12:30 trip down a level with the absolutely fabulous ladies of The Decent. Wow, talk about some great choices to have to make so early in your day, huh? Well, all good things must come to an end, and that end comes at 2:30 when SyFy goes back to a familiar mold with Carny. It's okay, though, Carny actually looks fun, plus it stars everyone's favorite triple named actor, LDP. Those initials are short for WIN.

Dangerous Toys

Hey babe, this isn't written by me but is a guest post provided by Dylan from Starcostumes.com. It's a look at horror alternatives to Toy Story 3, but you can read that for yourself, so I'll let Dylan take it away… 

While Toy Story 3 is making quite a big splash both critically and commercially, it's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, especially for those who prefer their tea blood red. Yes, the Toy Story movies offer very little to horror fans, save for some pretty freaky toys in the second movie, so those looking for some scares are left out in the cold. While everyone is getting their thrills with Woody and Buzz Lightyear, here are five films that horror fans can turn to for their toys-come-to-life fix.

Child's Play

The Child's Play franchise is arguably the most infamous example of toys coming to life and murdering people, so I'll get these out of the way right off the bat. The original Child's Play was released in 1988. When the serial killer known as "The Lakeshore Strangler" transfers his soul into a Good Guy doll via some serious dark voodoo, it kicked off a franchise that spanned over fifteen years. Chucky and crew have been in five movies and a reboot of the series has been planned for a few years now. The one major difference between Chucky and the Toy Story gang? Chucky won't play dead when people are around. Instead, he'll just kill everyone.

 

Puppet Master

Puppet Master is a popular horror movie from the tail end of the 1980s. If you haven't heard of it, maybe you've heard of one of its nine sequels? In true horror movie fashion, Puppet Master became a cult classic and little baby Puppet Masters started shooting out every few years, with the latest entry - Puppet Master: Axis of Evil - scheduled for release later this month. The first movie in the series involved rival psychics battling it out with puppets brought to life by an Egyptian spell. Later in the series, the puppets became the protagonists. Even weirder, some of the later movies involved Nazis. Yeah, it's an odd series.

 

Demonic Toys

This isn't as well known a movie as some of the others on the list, but it's possibly the most appropriate. Whereas Child's Play is about dolls and The Puppet Master is about puppets, Demonic Toys is all about, well, toys! You'll find no Slinky Dogs or Mr. Potato Heads here, though. There's an evil teddy bear, a terrifying jack-in-the-box, and more. And like Toy Story, they all have names, like Grizzly, Jack Attack, and Mr. Static. They actually sound a little cuddly, but don't be fooled, the teddy bear swings a mean baseball bat. Nobody's going to be upset if these things get sold off at a yard sale.

 

Magic

This movie holds a special place in my heart because it was actually filmed about 20 minutes from my podunk town in Northern California. It's probably the most exciting thing to ever happen to this county. Magic features Anthony Hopkins as Corky, a magician/ventriloquist who uses his dummy Fats in his magic act. And yes, of course the dummy is evil. Fats convinces Corky to do unforgivable things before eventually getting in on the act himself. But Fat's intimidating presence extends beyond the fictional realm of the movie. Hopkins reportedly took the doll home once to work with it, but became so unnerved by it that he called the ventriloquism consultant for the film and threatened to throw the doll into a nearby canyon if it wasn't picked up immediately.

 

Dolls

In Child's Play, a serial killer transfers his soul into a doll to prolong his life. In Dolls, Gabriel and Hillary Hartwicke, a seemingly-innocent elderly couple, have been trapping the souls of the immoral into dolls and puppets for who knows how long. And when guests visit their rather large mansion, those toys spring to life and make short work of them. Dolls was never as big as Child's Play, which is a shame, as it came out a year and a half prior and was possibly the inspiration.

So there you have it. If you have a hankerin' to watch some murderous toys go about their business, these five films will get you started. If you're still not satisfied, Child's Play, Puppet Master, and Demonic Toys spawned several sequels you could plow through.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: A-AH Edition!

If any dance party were to be considered truly epic, it would have to be this one right here. Because it just doesn't get any more grand than the combination of one of music's most powerful bands, and one of cinema's campiest of films, resulting in an anomaly that is slightly baffling yet completely amazing. Not sure how one can dance to this song without looking like an ass - maybe running in place to the beat would work? It did for Jennifer Beals when she was in FLASH A-AH! Dance, so why not give it a try for yourself.

Written by Brian May - who also did vocals along with Roger Taylor and some dude with a rapey mustache named Freddie Mercur-something-or-other -  Flash (aka Flash's Theme) is the theme song for one Flash (A-AH!) Gordon in the 1980 film, aptly named, Flash (A-AH!) Gordon. Flash (A-AH!) would be the title track and only single from the Flash (A-AH!) Gordon soundtrack, which was entirely produced by one of the greatest rock bands of all time, Queen.

I simply love Queen and while it may seem strange that such a well-respected band would ever do the music for a film such as Flash (A-AH!) Gordon, I don't think there could be a more perfect fit. The music of Queen, as well as its front man, is as flamboyant and flashy as it gets, and the same totally goes for Flash (A-AH!) Gordon. I haven't seen the movie in years, but the one thing that always stuck with me more than anything else about it, is the theme song itself. There are very few bands that could have ever pulled off such an outrageous song, and the video is quite the watch too. I love when Mercury takes the time to stop and watch some of the movie clips playing on the screen behind him. I can only imagine he was impressed with Ming's A-AH!some stache and gold foil fashion sense.