Paracinema Shows A Little 'Restraint'

So as you can probably guess from the post title, I have a nice little review posted up and over at our friendly neighborhood Paracinema, so I direct you to head over there and read it immediately! Oh, the film is titled Restraint and is a 2008 Aussie thriller that I may or may not have enjoyed. You'll have to click on da link to find out for yourself.   

The Horror Hangover

It seems like it was just yesterday when you had the ability to walk straight, talk to people coherently and keep your bed free of urine. Boy how quickly things can change in the span of an evening, huh? It's okay, I understand and have been there myself. Well, maybe not the shitting in the pants part so much but pretty much everything else. Hey, at least you made it out of Saturday alive, and you shall be rewarded with yet another stupendous edition of, The Horror Hangover. Brought to you by Bayer.

Today actually marks a fantastic day in televised cinema with plenty of horrifying celluloid to keep the segment's namesake on point and true. We'll start by heading over to AMC for a double dose of classy horror beginning with The Silence of the Lambs tucking it away for a vaginal look at 10:30, only to be followed by Shelley Duvall looking her best in The Shining at 1:00.

If your not in the mood for rubbing lotion all over its skin (ya prude), 10:30 gives the gift of options in the form of the great comedic horror film, Shaun of the Dead on Comedy Central. And if THAT still doesn't float your smug little boat, just wait till 11:00 and you can watch Sleepy Hallow over at TNT. It's all about diversifying your options, people.

While we're on the subject of Tim Burton, it is he that leads us to our last bloody chunk of cinema for the day, and it comes to us courtesy of Horror Hangover BFF, SyFy. First up, SyFy gets in to the (just around the corner!) Halloween spirit with The Nightmare Before Christmas at 11:00. Keeping things on the upper level of horror cinema, SyFy takes a 12:30 trip down a level with the absolutely fabulous ladies of The Decent. Wow, talk about some great choices to have to make so early in your day, huh? Well, all good things must come to an end, and that end comes at 2:30 when SyFy goes back to a familiar mold with Carny. It's okay, though, Carny actually looks fun, plus it stars everyone's favorite triple named actor, LDP. Those initials are short for WIN.

Dangerous Toys

Hey babe, this isn't written by me but is a guest post provided by Dylan from Starcostumes.com. It's a look at horror alternatives to Toy Story 3, but you can read that for yourself, so I'll let Dylan take it away… 

While Toy Story 3 is making quite a big splash both critically and commercially, it's certainly not everyone's cup of tea, especially for those who prefer their tea blood red. Yes, the Toy Story movies offer very little to horror fans, save for some pretty freaky toys in the second movie, so those looking for some scares are left out in the cold. While everyone is getting their thrills with Woody and Buzz Lightyear, here are five films that horror fans can turn to for their toys-come-to-life fix.

Child's Play

The Child's Play franchise is arguably the most infamous example of toys coming to life and murdering people, so I'll get these out of the way right off the bat. The original Child's Play was released in 1988. When the serial killer known as "The Lakeshore Strangler" transfers his soul into a Good Guy doll via some serious dark voodoo, it kicked off a franchise that spanned over fifteen years. Chucky and crew have been in five movies and a reboot of the series has been planned for a few years now. The one major difference between Chucky and the Toy Story gang? Chucky won't play dead when people are around. Instead, he'll just kill everyone.

 

Puppet Master

Puppet Master is a popular horror movie from the tail end of the 1980s. If you haven't heard of it, maybe you've heard of one of its nine sequels? In true horror movie fashion, Puppet Master became a cult classic and little baby Puppet Masters started shooting out every few years, with the latest entry - Puppet Master: Axis of Evil - scheduled for release later this month. The first movie in the series involved rival psychics battling it out with puppets brought to life by an Egyptian spell. Later in the series, the puppets became the protagonists. Even weirder, some of the later movies involved Nazis. Yeah, it's an odd series.

 

Demonic Toys

This isn't as well known a movie as some of the others on the list, but it's possibly the most appropriate. Whereas Child's Play is about dolls and The Puppet Master is about puppets, Demonic Toys is all about, well, toys! You'll find no Slinky Dogs or Mr. Potato Heads here, though. There's an evil teddy bear, a terrifying jack-in-the-box, and more. And like Toy Story, they all have names, like Grizzly, Jack Attack, and Mr. Static. They actually sound a little cuddly, but don't be fooled, the teddy bear swings a mean baseball bat. Nobody's going to be upset if these things get sold off at a yard sale.

 

Magic

This movie holds a special place in my heart because it was actually filmed about 20 minutes from my podunk town in Northern California. It's probably the most exciting thing to ever happen to this county. Magic features Anthony Hopkins as Corky, a magician/ventriloquist who uses his dummy Fats in his magic act. And yes, of course the dummy is evil. Fats convinces Corky to do unforgivable things before eventually getting in on the act himself. But Fat's intimidating presence extends beyond the fictional realm of the movie. Hopkins reportedly took the doll home once to work with it, but became so unnerved by it that he called the ventriloquism consultant for the film and threatened to throw the doll into a nearby canyon if it wasn't picked up immediately.

 

Dolls

In Child's Play, a serial killer transfers his soul into a doll to prolong his life. In Dolls, Gabriel and Hillary Hartwicke, a seemingly-innocent elderly couple, have been trapping the souls of the immoral into dolls and puppets for who knows how long. And when guests visit their rather large mansion, those toys spring to life and make short work of them. Dolls was never as big as Child's Play, which is a shame, as it came out a year and a half prior and was possibly the inspiration.

So there you have it. If you have a hankerin' to watch some murderous toys go about their business, these five films will get you started. If you're still not satisfied, Child's Play, Puppet Master, and Demonic Toys spawned several sequels you could plow through.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: A-AH Edition!

If any dance party were to be considered truly epic, it would have to be this one right here. Because it just doesn't get any more grand than the combination of one of music's most powerful bands, and one of cinema's campiest of films, resulting in an anomaly that is slightly baffling yet completely amazing. Not sure how one can dance to this song without looking like an ass - maybe running in place to the beat would work? It did for Jennifer Beals when she was in FLASH A-AH! Dance, so why not give it a try for yourself.

Written by Brian May - who also did vocals along with Roger Taylor and some dude with a rapey mustache named Freddie Mercur-something-or-other -  Flash (aka Flash's Theme) is the theme song for one Flash (A-AH!) Gordon in the 1980 film, aptly named, Flash (A-AH!) Gordon. Flash (A-AH!) would be the title track and only single from the Flash (A-AH!) Gordon soundtrack, which was entirely produced by one of the greatest rock bands of all time, Queen.

I simply love Queen and while it may seem strange that such a well-respected band would ever do the music for a film such as Flash (A-AH!) Gordon, I don't think there could be a more perfect fit. The music of Queen, as well as its front man, is as flamboyant and flashy as it gets, and the same totally goes for Flash (A-AH!) Gordon. I haven't seen the movie in years, but the one thing that always stuck with me more than anything else about it, is the theme song itself. There are very few bands that could have ever pulled off such an outrageous song, and the video is quite the watch too. I love when Mercury takes the time to stop and watch some of the movie clips playing on the screen behind him. I can only imagine he was impressed with Ming's A-AH!some stache and gold foil fashion sense.

My Style is Mad Versatile

I just wanted to throw out a quick thanks to a few blogs (and the owners behind them) that have been kind enough to pass on The Versatile Blogger award to Chuck Norris Ate My Baby.

They are as follows:

Simon from Four of Them

Emily from The Quest to Watch Every Movie Ever

Turnidoff Productions from Death to CGI

And my boy Geof of Enter the Man-Cave fame

We've all been through this blogger award/meme stuff plenty of times in the past, and when one receives such accolades, one is "required" to list some personal stuff about them self, then pass on the award to a handful of worthy blogs. First is list 7 things about myself, second, I have to award this to 15 of my favorite blogs. Seeing as I have gone down this road plenty of times (and named plenty of blogs), I will only do ten blogs and they will be ten, somewhat newer to me, blogs that I have been digging on.

1. I once broke my arm at a playground, then lied to my mom, telling her these girls that lived down the street threw rocks at me while on a swing set, causing me to fall. She took the parents to court, and I think we sued them, but I am not really sure what happened to be honest. I was like five at the time, so give me a break. Get it…A BREAK!     

2. I hate Lady Gaga with an extreme passion. She is nothing more than a performer, not a musician. Wild outfits, weird make-up, stage presence, and creative music videos does not make a great musical artist. All that glitters is not gold.

3. I took a group photo consisting of the Iron Sheik, the kid that played Boba Fett in Episode I and a dude dressed up as Batman on an elevator at a con. Shit was epic.

4. Even though this is Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, my preferred action star will always be Arnold Schwarzenegger over anyone else. I can never get enough of him and (most of) the films he has done.

5. I dressed up as Evil Ed from Fright Night for Halloween when I was a wee bopper.

6. My first ever slow dance was to the Skid Row classic, I Remember You, and it was with a girl that I had a major crush on at the time.

7. I used to bug out one of my friends by doing a Brundle Fly imitation when I was a kid. I would spit out my tapioca pudding back into the little package in which it came. He was afraid of horror films, so naturally, he wasn't too into it. Plus, it was pretty gross. I was a weird kid.

Alright, here are ten blogs  that I have been checking out:

1. From Beyond Depraved

2. 365 Horror Movie

3. From Midnight, With Love

4. iZombie-Lover

5. Tickets and Popcorn

6. The Quest to watch Every Movie Ever

7. Bad Ronald

8. KA-BOOMSKI!

9. Z for Zombies

10. The Scream Queen

Here's your award, bitches.

Thanks to the fine folks that gave me the award and please make sure to drop by their fantastic blogs as well. And if anyone in the future plans on passing an award my way, that would be great, but this will do it for award ceremonies for the year at CNAMB. Shit can get out of control, and quick.

Lady Terminator (1989): Hasta la vista, penis

Well before there was ever a "Terminatrix," there was Lady Terminator, and while Lady Terminator (1989) is a rip-off of the 1984 Sci-Fi Horror classic, The Terminator, it's somewhat ironic and funny to know that it was an Indonesian rip-off action film that would be the first to bring a female Terminator to the screen. Both Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and Lady Terminator would use their female antagonist as the main selling point, and both would do so to amp up the sex appeal of what was started in The Terminator. That's how you make money folks… big guns, big hair, big tits, but the only one that actually shows the tits is the only one that matters.

Lady Terminator takes out the Science Fiction elements found in its "inspiration," and replaces them with an origin story filled with some whacked out Indonesian folklore. This Lady Terminator is not sent from the future to change history, instead, she is an anthropologist who becomes possessed by the legendary Indonesian goddess, the Queen of the South Sea, for vengeful purposes. From what we learn in the film's opening, the queen - who has some seriously hot armpit hair – bones a ton of dudes in the hopes that she can find a man who can actually satisfy her deep sexual needs. When her suitor doesn’t satisfy the queen, THE EEL THAT LIVES IN HER VAGINA chomps the man's dick off, just as he is in mid-climax. Basically, she dick-capitates them and they bleed to death. Could be a worse way to go out, I suppose.

The queen runs into a bit of trouble one day when one of her suitors gets the best of her and 'snatches' the eel from her ever open cubby hole. For some reason, the eel turns into a knife, but I don't know why it turns into a knife; he doesn't stab her with it or anything, it just changes, so whatever. Anyway, the queen - pissed and without her vagina eel - curses the man's great-granddaughter (as opposed to him or his daughter), which brings us back (or forward?) to the present and to the motive of the possessed anthropologist aka Lady Terminator!

being an obvious rip-off, Lady Terminator takes many key scenes and ideas from the original Terminator. However, it does put its own sexual spin on things, like, instead of a naked Arnold forcefully taking the cloths from a couple of biker dudes, a naked Lady Terminator dick-capitates these two drunk guys, then takes one of their leather jackets to cover up her excellent titties. While the film sort of rolls off its sexual elements, unlike many Exploitation films from the 70s and 80s, Lady Terminator doesn't feel quite as dirty for some reason. Most films from that era used sex in a much harsher way, while Lady Terminator plays things so ridiculously that it makes the sexual aspects silly and goofy, but still oh so very fun. 

There are many hysterical and cheese filled moments in the film, and they come from all directions without any warning whatsoever. There's a disco dance scene that is just to die for; there is a Budnick (who was in T2) look-alike, complete with a red mullet and intense sexual appeal; there are cop cars that look as if they came from the junkyard, and of course, there's the amazing character interactions which result in some of cinema’s finest dialogue.

Here are a few choice moments of the powerful dialogue for you reading pleasure:

"American Express is after my blood again…my checks are bouncing like yo-yos!"

Or, my favorite cop conversation:

"Anything to eat?"

"Just hotdogs"

"I really hate hotdogs (blasphemy!)"

"Listen, Jack and I have seen more dead bodies than you have eaten hotdogs, so shut up and eat!"

*Men smile and giggle with each other in a homoerotic way*

Seriously, it just doesn't get better than that, now does it? The answer is no.

Considering this is a Lady Terminator review, I have thus far neglected to get into the Lady Terminator herself (because if I get into her, she may chomp my dick off). As the tagline suggests, 'She mates, then she Terminates' and she does so with wicked style and sass. Her look is fitting to the times (the 80s), and while being quite attractive, her Roseanne Roseannadanna hair style and pants so high they could double as a brazier, make for a look that can only be pulled off by a woman with a bear trap for a vag. Barbara Anne Constable plays the part of the titular Lady Terminator, and as it turns out, this was her only acting gig, which is unfortunate because she is quite attractive and plays the mostly silent character as well as one could expect from this type of film. More importantly, however, is that she keeps up with the many action scenes very convincingly.

Speaking of the action, it is just that that would be the highlight of Lady Terminator. While the film starts off a little slow, there is plenty of silly dialogue and T&A to hold one over until the wild and bloody action starts up. And when it starts up, it starts up strong and keeps going, only to lull for cock-chomps or convos about hotdogs. Every character in Lady Terminator doesn't have just a gun, they have fully automatic weapons. In addition, cars aren't made of steel, instead, they are crafted out of paper-mache and dynamite, and boy do they blow up really good. The action in Lady Terminator is pure insanity, and to be totally honest, ramps up any action found in any of the "real" Terminator films as far as quantity goes, even if many of the set pieces are stolen from The Terminator.

Like with most Indonesian action flicks from the 1980s, 1989's Lady Terminator is ridiculous, sure, but it is also so much fun and completely entertaining from start to finish. If you love a fun action film with over the top explosions and bloody gun battles, while enjoying a plate full of melted cheese sprinkled with some sexy Indonesian ladies showing their vitamin D's, then Lady Terminator is the film for you. 

The Horror Hangover

Well, it's Sunday, your brain is expanding past the capacity of your dome piece, there's a half eaten pot of crusty ass mac and cheese on your coffee table, and your thinking to yourself "I didn't have this rash last night?!" when it all starts to come back to you. By now, we should all know what this means…it's time for The Horror Hangover.

It's summer, so why not spend the day inside and away from all those pesky ants, snakes and wasps, so you can watch a bunch of movies about ants, snakes and wasps on SyFy. Things start off at 11:00 with The Hive, which is oddly not about bees, but instead, places its focus on ants. Maybe 'The Hill' or 'The Colony' would have been a more suitable title? Whatever, after "The Hive," SyFy is showing Vipers at 1:00, and Vipers is actually about genetically mutated snakes, not tarantulas or killer birds. At 3:00, SyFy finishes its day off with Black Swarm, a film about genetically mutated wasps (wait, what?) that may have been called The Hive, if not for some lame ass ant movie already stealing the name. All three films look fantastic in their own ridiculously awful way, but it is Black Swarm that has Robert Englund, giving it a tad of street cred. And I do mean tad. 

Getting away from the not-so-great outdoors, The Horror Hangover makes its first ever stop at BET for Cooley High at 1:30. I just completely adore films that are sort of coming of age tales, or focus on the lives of youths from a different time, location, or in the case of Coolie High, race. There's usually a great mixture of humor, drama, and male teenage relatability that just speaks to me for some reason. Cooley High is one of the best of that genre, showing that most young males follow similar paths and go through familiar heartaches growing up, no matter who they are or where they may come from. Pick of the week.    

And the day closes over at IFC with The Minus Man at 2:35. Never saw it, and I can't say that I really care to see it all that much either, but I will always remember seeing that wild trailer that played before The Blair Witch Project. It was definitely a brilliant trailer and caught everyone's attention, but not enough for the film to really do anything outside of having great marketing.