The Horror Hangover

It's time to rise from that hard earned slumber, so you can enjoy your day the way you were meant to…drooling, covered in sweat (or at least I hope that's sweat) and unable to move the necessary limbs to lift you from where you lay. This is better known as a hangover, but don't fret my dear reader, I have the remedy to make this sad state you're in just a little more tolerable.

We'll start our day off with Monster Ark, playing on good ol' SyFy at 11:00. In what is a ridiculous but kind of good idea, this one asks - what if Noah's Ark wasn't the only ark that sailed the seas? What if there were another ark, one that housed a monster?! It's really not a bad idea, but what is most appealing about this one is it stars Tommy "Tiny" Lister, better known as Zeus! I wonder if it is he that plays the titular monster?

We can keep the dial set to SyFy since Reign of the Gargoyles is set to rain some badass gargoyle action all over yo ass at 1:00. Of course there is no trailer for this one, but based off this fantastic photo, you just know that Reign of the Gargoyles is the real deal Holyfield.

And if you still aren't of the belief that goreguyales aren't completely frightening, then just ask the god warrior.

Taking a step back from the gold that SyFy has already brought us, our hangover continues at 1:00 with Disturbia, on TNT. I guess this is supposed to be okay, or at least that's what I've heard. I always have been, and always will be, skeptical until I have seen it for myself I suppose. I have issues getting past the moronic name…Disturbia? Really? How about Scaretopia? Or Frightville? Maybe even Horriblefield?     

Oh, here's a good one…if you have IFC, a TV, taste, and love something great, 3:00 brings us the Martial Arts epic, Hero. There was that small amount of time where a handful of pretty amazing Martial Arts flicks were getting into theaters after the success of Crouching Tiger, and Hero was one of them. From top to bottom this one is just so beautiful, and I cannot recommend it anymore, especially if you have not seen it for yourself. Even if you aren't much for the Asian action, this is well worth it, and it should look more than proper on IFC too. Pick of the week. 

Our day comes to an end at 4:00 with Final Destination 3 on TBS. I didn't really enjoy this one the first time I saw it (especially after how great the second one was), but I have really grown to like this third entry in the FD franchise. More of the same, fun deaths and…you know…some other stuff. And I just love the tanning bed death for some reason. It's so completely off the wall, and seeing the death of some stuck-up bitches is always a joy to watch, especially when they're naked with very nice and tan milk providers.   

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! KISS My Grits Edition!

Legendary rock band KISS was massive in the mid to late 70's, in fact, they were bigger than John Holmes they were so popular. While KISS was (and somewhat still are) popular for their music, their live performances and their stage makeup, they are also known as one of the most marketed bands of all time, with toys, board games, wine and even the now legendary Kiss Kasket. If a band has that much marketing appeal, you just know they are going to have some sort of celluloid love at some point (come on boys and girls, Spice up your life, for example). Thankfully, that time came way back on October 28th of 1978 (right before Halloween!), when NBC aired KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park.

Because all of the musical performance scenes are disabled by assholes, I had to go with something a little different from what I would normally do. I have two clips, with the first one being an NBC bumper for the film, which is fun just for the old style ad alone but made even better by the Phantom of the Park stuff itself. You'll see what I mean when you get to the "We've got to get out of here" line, which should be more than enough to win you over. I also threw in a lengthy promo, which has many moments from the film, including a portion of the awesome opening where the band is introduced to the KISS Klassic, Rock and Roll All Nite. Check 'em out, yo.

Obviously the film was not received well by critics, nor was the band all that fond of how it turned out either, however, KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park has become somewhat of a cult classic over the years, which gives it more staying power than anyone would have ever have imagined at the time. I remember seeing this on TV when I was pretty young…I can't remember exactly how young, but I would guess it was sometime in the early 80's. Even though I was well aware of just how cheesy it was, I absolutely loved it, but I also absolutely loved KISS too. Plus, as a budding young horror fan, the amusement park setting and G rated horror elements were certainly appealing to me.

I would love to see the film again, and seeing all the clips I did while getting this post ready only made me want to see it even more. Seriously, I can't imagine anything like this being made now, or at least made, then aired on a channel such as NBC. I mean, each of the members had superpowers! It just doesn't get any hokier than KISS Meets the Phantom of the Park but really, what could anyone have expected?! I call for a DVD release immediately!

Totally Tubular Trailers

Oh snap, it's time for trailers! I know I'm excited, are you excited? No? Ugh, you are so rude, but that's why I love you…it's like a game of cat and mouse trying to win your affection. I was going to post the Paranormal Activity 2 teaser and the Let Me In trailer, both of which are pretty good, especially the PA one, but that shit is all over the net of inter, so I'll stick to the lesser known films. They deserve the love more, and I shall give it to them. Unless you want to talk Scream 4 rumors? That's always interesting.

First up is the full trailer for Bitter Feast, a film that has a celebrity chef kidnap and take revenge on the (blogger!) food critic that deals the final 'bad review' blow to his already waning career. I've been following this one for a while, as the idea behind it is pretty funny, and I can imagine that a chef will be able to deal out some interesting ways to create pain for his victim. Directed by Joe (Di?) Maggio, Bitter Feast is also produced by Larry Fessenden's Glass Eye Pix, which has been a solid independent horror company, putting out quality cinema offerings for some time now, so that certainly bodes well for this film. Check out the trailer, but don't do so on an empty stomach. Unless you're going swimming in the next hour or something, then do watch it with an empty stomach. I don't want you to drown.

 

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Next trailer up to bat is Eugenio Mira's Agnosia, a Spanish film that focuses on a women who suffers from agnosia, a neurological illness that keeps the brain from correctly processing senses like hearing and sight. After her father passes away, she becomes the victim of some 'less than stellar' folk that would try and use her illness against her, to learn the industrial secret that her father shared with her before his death. This is a film that Todd Brown from over at Twitch has been jizzing about recently, and I certainly trust his opinion. It's an interesting idea, and I am sure the use of sensory confusion will play out in a nice way visually (kinda-sorta like The Cell, maybe? Kinda?). The teaser is brief and doesn't really give off very much, but it does look quite nice.  

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Last, but certainly not least, here is the newest trailer for, Nicolas Winding Refn's, Valhalla Rising. Set in 1000 AD, the film follows a one-eyed Norse warrior named One Eye, naturally, and his young companion (not named young companion) as they travel with a group of Vikings who come face to face with a bloody fate as they discover a new land and One Eye discovers himself. It's like a coming of age tale - but with a one-eyed adult that hangs with Vikings and has a knack for jacking dudes up.

This trailer is as manly as it gets, and to top it off, there are a few brief shots of wicked violence, which is more than enough to catch the eye of most genre fans. While some might see his films as somewhat pretentious in their artistic endeavor, Refn is an amazing director, and his films will stick with you well after you see them. Oh, and one of the genre tags for Valhalla Rising is Science Fiction, which really makes things a whole lot more interesting. Grab a stein, a massive turkey leg, kick up your fur skin boots, and check out the trailer for yourself.   

Salvage

We have seen the world face extinction in plenty of big budget movies, with national monuments blowing up, zombie swarms spreading faster than your dirty little secret itch, Earth shattering quakes…you get the picture. When it comes to apocalyptic happenings in movies with a lower budget, challenges are greater, namely, there is not the money in place for huge action set pieces. Instead, the filmmakers must use there lack of budget to be creative, to make the viewer feel the end is near without the help of major CGI effects. 

2009's Salvage is a British film that is without the benefits of money (working on a budget just above three hundred thousand US dollars), so there is a need to work around these restraints. There are often common elements when it comes to very low budget films that focus on some sort of apocalyptic occurrence, one being seclusion and the other being character development. You set up the conflict happening outside and somehow trap the characters inside, where the viewer is actually along for the ride that the characters are on, as they are on it in real time. It is something we have seen before, most recently with 2006's Right at Your Door and of course, it goes way back to Romero's Night of the Living Dead.

Salvage follows minimal characters, namely Beth (Neve McIntosh, who gives a powerful performance) and her one 'day' stand, Kieran (Shaun Dooley), as their lives are thrown into chaos when a group of heavily armed military men take over their upper-class neighborhood on Christmas Eve. Forced at gunpoint to stay in their homes, they are left to speculate as to what could be happening in the world outside of their front door. Thoughts immediately go to terrorism, but there seems to be something far more threatening as they may have more to fear than just the armed military personnel, or a foreign attack.

Playing off of characters instead of big explosions, Salvage makes perfect use of its antagonists. The film has characters with complexity, characters with problems and major flaws, but the relatability of those flaws make the characters easy to access on a human level. When the viewer first meets Beth, it is when she is catching a couple of inches from Kieran, only to be caught by her daughter Jodie (Linzey Cocker) after being dropped off by her father a few hours early to spend the Christmas holiday. There is already major strain in their relationship, which is something that plays into the film nicely as a plot point, and pushes the character development. Kieran also holds some qualities that are less than respectable, and this gives a great dynamic to his relationship with Beth, whom he only met that same day.

With little money on his side, director Lawrence Gough has constructed a solid film with an intimate setting, strong characters, and a capable style. Even more so, Salvage plays its tension tightly and the pressure stays on for much of the film's first two acts. There is little to no music as things move quietly at times, adding to the bpm for the characters, as well as the viewer. The runtime is short, and with such a minimal film, that works to its advantage, keeping things very brisk and nicely paced. There are never any moments where things lull, and if they do, it is for the purpose of the fantastic character development.

I do have a few issues with the film, and for the sake of spoilers, I will move very carefully as not to reveal anything. Now, there is a reason why "something" is happening and the reason itself is a bit of a lame duck. However, it is  less about the reason and more about the happening itself that matters, but it is clichéd and hokey. And being as vague as one can possibly be, I thought the movie's threat was almost completely ridiculous when the screen presence was known, but that presence is very minimal, as well as being more towards the film's end, so it isn't too disruptive to an otherwise taut little horror movie.     

Neither of those issues take anything away from the film as a whole, as Salvage succeeds where many big budgeted FX laden apocalyptic films fail, it uses pieces of the cinematic puzzle that equate to skill and creativity. The possibility that the world is coming to complete catastrophe is made valuable with characters, not with special effects. Salvage is seeing its US release in just a few days from the folks over at Revolver Entertainment, and I highly suggest checking this one out.

Fire 'Never' Works

No Hangover today, mostly because there wasn't much going on, but it is a holiday weekend, so I fully expect you all to enjoy your Fourth of July with enough beer and liquor to make you want to put your head in an oven on Monday morning. Ha ha, the jokes are funny, I know, but I want to get serious here for a second. It is the Fourth, and I expect that many of you will be celebrating your freedom by drinking heavily and playing with fireworks. Now, I don't mind the drinking - so long as you drive no more than a block for a packy run when you run out of beer - but I am concerned about your use of fireworks on this day of joy. I have provided an educational safety video that will show you, dear reader of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, just how dangerous these satanic explosives really are…

So, if you are a dummy, literally or figuratively, do not hold fireworks in your hands for more than 38 seconds, or stand directly over them as they are going off, set them off in your pockets, or even use one to try and save time slicing up that watermelon. It just isn't worth it, and if you get hurt, that is just one less page view I get here, and we wouldn't want to upset me, now would we?

Remember kids, Fire 'Never' Works.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Somebody Do Somezing Edition!

Welcome once again my fiery fiends, to the hottest club in Fudrucker NE, Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! And boy is this one going to get steamy, as I truly have brought the heat with tonight's Dance Party. So grab yourself a towel to wipe away the sweat that's sure to pour…wait, not that towel, that's my…um, special towel…yeah, use that other one, the one that isn't crunchy and stiff. Okay, now keep that towel handy, as I am about to introduce you to the mistress of the macabre, the epitome of evil, the most sinister woman to crawl on the face of the Earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of…Santanico Pandemonium!

Told you that shit was going to be hot, didn't I? Put you tongue back in your mouth, and that other thing too, please…there are kids here. The song, titled After Dark, was written by Tito Larriva, Steven Hufsteter and performed by Tito & Tarantula specifically for 1996's From Dusk Till Dawn. Tito & Tarantula - who also did music for Robert Rodriguez's previous breakout hit, Desperado – also plays the house band of the greatest strip club ever known to man, woman, and child, the Titty Twister. Seriously though, who cares about the song? It's okay enough, sure, but this clip is what it is because of Santanico Pandemonium herself, Salma Hayek.

If at anytime you were to ask me what I think are the hottest movie scenes of all time, this is one that would come immediately to mind, there's no doubt about it. You have this rough and obnoxious bar, crawling with scum and criminals, yet, the second Santanico Pandemonium comes out for her sensual performance, the Twister comes to a stand still. In more ways than one. Can you blame them? The only thing I don't dig is the Tarantino foot suck…that shit is so gross…nasty foot sucking mo fo, and you know he wrote that shit with himself in mind for the role too. Nasty. But boy was Hayek as hot as she ever was in From Dusk Till Dawn, and she is still quite gorgeous now, but her ability to charm snakes seems to have waned a bit…

…She straight climbs up on that bitch! I wonder if that human ladder thought for a brief sec that she might get some of that Tarantino foot suck love? Sorry honey, you ain't Tarantino.

Funny Twilight Title

Very recently, I was lucky enough to finally sit down and watch one of cinema's most provocative and discussed films, Twilight. It's almost weird even typing the name, as I would never have expected to watch and review this movie, let alone do so with a sort of high anticipation. Let me explain: I remember this one day I was at my old job, and everyone was telling me about this disgusting online video that was sure to make me hold back a drop or two of vomit. Some were saying that I just had to see this video, while others warned me, saying it is so gross, and not to put myself through the horrid imagery. Curiosity killed the Matt, and I went straight home and watched 2 Girls 1 Cup, and forever will I think differently about soft serve.

What I'm trying to get at here, is no matter how much I was warned about just how nasty this video was, I had to see it for myself. That is kind of the same thing that happened with me having to watch Twilight. Part of me was willing to put my taste at risk, to see something that I knew would be just plain awful. But just how awful could it be? That's the draw. I heard every complaint about Twilight more times than I would care to, but that may have just added a little fuel to the fire, making me want to see the movie even more.

Now, I have more than once expressed my love for bad cinema. While I am constantly on the hunt to expand my celluloid horizons by watching all types of film, and as much as I love a Harold and Maude, or a Rashômon, I almost equally love something like The Room, or Trick or Treat. At times, my bad taste even extends to a certain enjoyment of films that are pretty much terrible. I can find something about them that keeps me watching and interested. I actually thought that Twilight might be that movie in the dark moments leading up to my maiden voyage, however, I was quite wrong.

Strangely, I am really wanting to see New Moon and eventually Eclipse, because I have to see just how bad it can all get. While I can find great joy in laughing at a movie that has me scoffing about terrible performances, moronic puke faces, terrible cinematography and awful music, I didn't find much joy in Twilight. I should love this film for how terrible it is, but it is just that horrendous that it cannot even find appreciation from someone who might possibly give it some. I don't even care about the bastardization of vampire mythology, I am someone that really knows the mythology quite well, but it still doesn't bother me all that much. Let them have their vampires be as girly as they want, it makes for a great laugh and it doesn't change the mythology outside of the Twilight tweeniverse.

What does bother me most is that some people really do think that Twilight is a great movie. Twilight is flat out insulting to the intelligence of the general public, but not that insulting if they eat it up with a glazed look in their eyes and a smile. Now, if you're a 16-year-old chick/dude with a taste for eyeliner, I have no issue with you liking it. It's made for you. Actually, I have no issue with an adult liking it, so long as they can at least admit that it's not a good film. There is such thing as a guilty pleasure, I have many, and guilty pleasure grants a very free and open pass to like garbage. I, shamefully, love Dawson's Creek. I didn't always love that awful show, in fact, I thought it was completely moronic and talked all sorts of shit about it. Then, thanks to syndication, one late night I got roped in well after the show had gone off the air, and born was a very guilty pleasure and a life choice…Dawson or Pacey.

I could have gone 900 different ways with this review, and there are 900 different things to say about this film, which is funny, because nothing even happens until the last 45 minutes? But Twilight has been torn apart by so many in so many different ways that I need not tread the details. It's way too easy. Though, a caption post would have been great, or even one about the epic Kristen Stewart hospital performance that was recently recreated by Mindy McCready on Celebrity Rehab. Maybe now that I have seen Twilight, I can talk about it and mention how bad it blows, but realistically, I couldn't care less when it comes down to it. In the end, the only things I got out of watching Twilight are the fact that I conquered one of the most infamous films ever made, and that girls really shouldn't shop at Eddie Bauer.