Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Somebody Do Somezing Edition!

Welcome once again my fiery fiends, to the hottest club in Fudrucker NE, Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! And boy is this one going to get steamy, as I truly have brought the heat with tonight's Dance Party. So grab yourself a towel to wipe away the sweat that's sure to pour…wait, not that towel, that's my…um, special towel…yeah, use that other one, the one that isn't crunchy and stiff. Okay, now keep that towel handy, as I am about to introduce you to the mistress of the macabre, the epitome of evil, the most sinister woman to crawl on the face of the Earth. Lowly dogs, get on your knees, bow your heads and worship at the feet of…Santanico Pandemonium!

Told you that shit was going to be hot, didn't I? Put you tongue back in your mouth, and that other thing too, please…there are kids here. The song, titled After Dark, was written by Tito Larriva, Steven Hufsteter and performed by Tito & Tarantula specifically for 1996's From Dusk Till Dawn. Tito & Tarantula - who also did music for Robert Rodriguez's previous breakout hit, Desperado – also plays the house band of the greatest strip club ever known to man, woman, and child, the Titty Twister. Seriously though, who cares about the song? It's okay enough, sure, but this clip is what it is because of Santanico Pandemonium herself, Salma Hayek.

If at anytime you were to ask me what I think are the hottest movie scenes of all time, this is one that would come immediately to mind, there's no doubt about it. You have this rough and obnoxious bar, crawling with scum and criminals, yet, the second Santanico Pandemonium comes out for her sensual performance, the Twister comes to a stand still. In more ways than one. Can you blame them? The only thing I don't dig is the Tarantino foot suck…that shit is so gross…nasty foot sucking mo fo, and you know he wrote that shit with himself in mind for the role too. Nasty. But boy was Hayek as hot as she ever was in From Dusk Till Dawn, and she is still quite gorgeous now, but her ability to charm snakes seems to have waned a bit…

…She straight climbs up on that bitch! I wonder if that human ladder thought for a brief sec that she might get some of that Tarantino foot suck love? Sorry honey, you ain't Tarantino.

Funny Twilight Title

Very recently, I was lucky enough to finally sit down and watch one of cinema's most provocative and discussed films, Twilight. It's almost weird even typing the name, as I would never have expected to watch and review this movie, let alone do so with a sort of high anticipation. Let me explain: I remember this one day I was at my old job, and everyone was telling me about this disgusting online video that was sure to make me hold back a drop or two of vomit. Some were saying that I just had to see this video, while others warned me, saying it is so gross, and not to put myself through the horrid imagery. Curiosity killed the Matt, and I went straight home and watched 2 Girls 1 Cup, and forever will I think differently about soft serve.

What I'm trying to get at here, is no matter how much I was warned about just how nasty this video was, I had to see it for myself. That is kind of the same thing that happened with me having to watch Twilight. Part of me was willing to put my taste at risk, to see something that I knew would be just plain awful. But just how awful could it be? That's the draw. I heard every complaint about Twilight more times than I would care to, but that may have just added a little fuel to the fire, making me want to see the movie even more.

Now, I have more than once expressed my love for bad cinema. While I am constantly on the hunt to expand my celluloid horizons by watching all types of film, and as much as I love a Harold and Maude, or a Rashômon, I almost equally love something like The Room, or Trick or Treat. At times, my bad taste even extends to a certain enjoyment of films that are pretty much terrible. I can find something about them that keeps me watching and interested. I actually thought that Twilight might be that movie in the dark moments leading up to my maiden voyage, however, I was quite wrong.

Strangely, I am really wanting to see New Moon and eventually Eclipse, because I have to see just how bad it can all get. While I can find great joy in laughing at a movie that has me scoffing about terrible performances, moronic puke faces, terrible cinematography and awful music, I didn't find much joy in Twilight. I should love this film for how terrible it is, but it is just that horrendous that it cannot even find appreciation from someone who might possibly give it some. I don't even care about the bastardization of vampire mythology, I am someone that really knows the mythology quite well, but it still doesn't bother me all that much. Let them have their vampires be as girly as they want, it makes for a great laugh and it doesn't change the mythology outside of the Twilight tweeniverse.

What does bother me most is that some people really do think that Twilight is a great movie. Twilight is flat out insulting to the intelligence of the general public, but not that insulting if they eat it up with a glazed look in their eyes and a smile. Now, if you're a 16-year-old chick/dude with a taste for eyeliner, I have no issue with you liking it. It's made for you. Actually, I have no issue with an adult liking it, so long as they can at least admit that it's not a good film. There is such thing as a guilty pleasure, I have many, and guilty pleasure grants a very free and open pass to like garbage. I, shamefully, love Dawson's Creek. I didn't always love that awful show, in fact, I thought it was completely moronic and talked all sorts of shit about it. Then, thanks to syndication, one late night I got roped in well after the show had gone off the air, and born was a very guilty pleasure and a life choice…Dawson or Pacey.

I could have gone 900 different ways with this review, and there are 900 different things to say about this film, which is funny, because nothing even happens until the last 45 minutes? But Twilight has been torn apart by so many in so many different ways that I need not tread the details. It's way too easy. Though, a caption post would have been great, or even one about the epic Kristen Stewart hospital performance that was recently recreated by Mindy McCready on Celebrity Rehab. Maybe now that I have seen Twilight, I can talk about it and mention how bad it blows, but realistically, I couldn't care less when it comes down to it. In the end, the only things I got out of watching Twilight are the fact that I conquered one of the most infamous films ever made, and that girls really shouldn't shop at Eddie Bauer.

80's Slasher Films that Will Rattle Your Senses!

The Death Rattle has dedicated the entire month of June to everyone's favorite genre, the Slasher film, but more specifically, the Slasher films of the 1980's! Throughout the month, Aaron put together the 80's Slasher Movie Championship Tournament - a massive Slasher showdown that pitted all the genre had to offer from the decade of decadence - to see who would come out on top as voted by his readers. The ultimate Slasher, if you will. Or even if you won't.

Anyways, Aaron decided to cap off this joyous month by having a bunch of horrors sexiest bloggers participate with their own list of essential subgenre specific Slasher films. For example, there is a list for 80's Slashers, 70's Slashers, Campus Slashers, Foreign Slashers and so on and so forth. There are a bunch of excellent writers that took part, then there is me, the one that swopped in and got my dirty little hands on Holiday/Special Occasion Slashers. So head over to The Death rattle for my list of essential Holiday/Special occasion Slasher films, and while you at it, check out the cornucopia of Slasher action!

The Horror Hangover

Hello once again kiddies. I'm very glad you have decided to take some time to check out what we have in store for you today. Hopefully there is something that will catch your bloodshot eye and make this, your awful hangover, just a little more bearable. Sadly, I am going to have to rush through this one, as I have no time in what is an annoyingly busy work weekend for me. I didn't want you to think I was being lazy or some crap.   

When in a rush, SyFy comes through big time with an afternoon full of horror to keep your mind off the sick headache you developed for some odd reason. Things start nice and early with some quality horror at 9:00 with In the Mouth of Madness, which is a fun 90's film as well as a solid homage to Lovecraft.

After that, SyFy goes buck wild with a bunch of movies I have not seen, but I would think about watching if in the right mood. 100 Feet (eww, stinky) is the first film at 11:00, followed by Backwoods (starring Haylie Duff!) at 1:00, and finishing off the afternoon is Open Graves at 3:00. Not a bad line-up from SyFy, and at least a few of these films look watchable, while still harboring a copious amount of alcohol in your bloodstream, of course.  

I'll close out the afternoon with a back-to-back dose of classic Tim Burton on ABC Family, starting with a 2:30 showing of Bettlejuice, followed by Edward Scissorhands at 4:30. Love both of these movies and they certainly add to what is a decent Horror Hangover film wise, which is nice.

Alrighty, I gotta jet, but thanks for sticking around, and may your hangover subside by the evening. So you can drink some more.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Slaughtered Lamb Edition!

Oh boy is it about to get hot in here, actually, with a certain someone's central air pooping the bed, it already is hot in here. I'll save you the boring and sweaty details, but to say Swamp Thing could make his home in my undies is an understatement. However, I am not the only one burning up tonight, but unfortunately, my need to strip is not followed by a werewolf transformation, which would be kind of cool. Tonight's clip is a special one, as it's from a film that is loved and considered a classic by most every genre fan, including myself. Before we get started, I should warn you all that this video is NSFW…there is a naked American man in it, but thankfully, you don't see his balloons.

1981's An American Werewolf in London made great use of music, and all with a common and fitting theme, the moon. This is the scene that clearly stands out most, as David Kessler make his famous transformation into a beast of the night to Sam Cooke's version of Blue Moon. The song was originally written by Richard Rodgers and Lorenz Hart way back in 1934 and has been covered so many times, it would take all of our fingers and toes to count them. While I prefer, and completely adore, The Marcel's Doo-Wop version, Cooke's fits in quite nicely for its ominous yet sweet tone. Blue Moon is a small, but very important, piece of a puzzle that created one of cinemas most memorable scenes.

Caught in a Net of Fear

How much have all of us been dying for a horror movie television network all our own? Well, I know I have. There was Monsters HD, but that was a satellite channel and went in the pooper anyways. I hear some people talk about Chiller TV, mostly saying it sucks, and either way, it isn't available from many of the bigger cable companies. SyFy has been the closest and most accessible channel, and while I love SyFy for what it is, it certainly doesn't quite cut it as a horror channel or even a Sci Fi one for that matter. So finally, there may be a chance for redemption.

It has recently been announced that FearNet will be making a play as a cable horror channel October 1st of this year, just in time for the month long celebration that is known as Halloween! Though it is still in the works, the hopes are that the channel will be available in both high-definition and standard-definition through the following cable companies: Comcast, Cox (ha ha, cox) Communications, Insight Communications, Bresnan Communications, Verizon’s FiOS TV and AT&T’s U-Verse. If this is the case, the channel will end up in a lot of homes, hopefully mine included.

I find this exciting for many reasons, one being that FearNet has a solid lineup of horror films and the On-Demand channel always has a great mix of horror movies, from classics and modern films, to straight B-Movie cheese and exploitation. Therefore, the movies will be versatile and solid, that much I know, and that is a huge step. Another great thing is FearNet has built up a solid community focused entity through their website, and that focus shows they have their finger on the pulse of horror fans who can be the most dedicated fans of them all when treated right.

The folks at FearNet really seems to know what they are doing, especially since they started out in a low risk, internet based way to build up a fan base and get their ideas straight, before jumping into a cable channel and learning the hard way what works. They have a built in relationship already in place, they know what fans want, and I hope they can deliver the goods that I have been waiting for for a long time now.

Stepfather Factory

So it's father's day and with that comes the need to do something thematic, as well as the need to put myself through some possible torture at the same time. Sadly, the first thing that came to mind when I thought, "what can I do for father's day?" was to do a review of The Stepfather remake. It's on instant view and chances are it will make for an interesting review. Maybe.

In a way, there isn't all that much to say about The Stepfather narratively. It's a remake that follows the 1987 movie pretty closely, which is basically about a man that only wishes to have the perfect family, but when that systematized delusion is not met, this "stepfather" discards of his family by killing them, then moves on to his next family and the possible chance for unified family bliss. He finds a venerable woman, whom, thanks to a recent divorce, is single with kids and he swoops in with a gallon bucket full of charm, working his way into their lives in the hopes of forming the ideal family.

The Stepfather was directed by Nelson McCormick, a man who has directed a ton of television but is best known to horror fans as the director of Prom Night 2008. I reviewed that film some time ago over at Paracinema, and while I wasn't a big fan, I knew it was not made for my eyes as they are too old for that film. It was made for those youngsters and their skateboards. Still, it was a terrible movie, so what can I expect when McCormick comes back for yet another tween-geared remake of an 80’s horror film? Not much, but it is better than Prom Night at least.

As with Prom Night, The Stepfather is technically adept, but very standard at the same time. There is little to no creativity, but it does work as a functional film. The same can be said for the acting, which is nothing special, but everyone is solid, with Dylan Walsh's performance being well played and creepy enough, while not nearly as memorable as what was done by the ever so intense Terry O'Quinn.

Even if the film is close to competent, it also fails where so many unoriginal horror movies do. There is a so bad it hurts jump scare, with a cat no less, which caused me to punch my own cat in retaliation. There is a moment where a window is broken in the basement using the sound of thunder as cover…because a window being smashed in and thunder sound so much alike. The family that is chosen by the stepfather has three siblings, one that would be the main focus, while oddly enough, the other two are hardly ever around, especially the younger sister who is seen no more than two or three times. Then there's the whole cell phone ringer issue that is just going to cause my blood pressure to rise if I get into it, so I'll leave it at that.

Something that stood out like a sore dick was the obvious product placement. Every character uses a Mac, which is whatever, but the one that had me shaking my head in disbelief was the amount of time the game Burnout Paradise spends on screen. There is a least three moments where the kids are shown playing it, with a close up of the screen no less, but the kicker is the game's case is actually propped up at one point, right in front of the TV in which they are using. I can somewhat give a pass to a character drinking a mountain dew or some shit, but who props up a game case in front of their television? It was painfully lame.

Being better than Prom Night isn't much of a stretch, and I think it's only better due to this version staying on the rails of the original more than Prom Night did. However, that does play into the films lack of originality, and at least Prom Night tried to be its own movie, whether or not it was awful. The Stepfather is completely predictable, and even if it wasn't a remake, it is like so many movies that have come before it, from frame one, you know exactly what will happen in the film's runtime. You know that there are characters that will question the motives of the titular character, and you know he will end their life short to keep his cover and his dream of the perfect family alive. You know that the oldest child will be weary of this new man in his family’s life, and will spend the runtime trying to figure out what this dudes deal really is. It's overly dramatic familiarity.

One thing that is definitely better about this remake compared to Prom Night is the fact that one of the two main characters is an adult. That keeps the teen aspect to a lesser degree, as he is the main focus over the eldest son. While the "teen" aspect is there, complete with shitty pop-punk-commercial-rock music, it was all slightly acceptable due to how the presence of Amber Heard (who is best known to horror fiends as the titular character in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane) is handled.

I can see where those boys are coming from after seeing The Stepfather. While this kept me interested way more than much of the film, it is oddly gratuitous and exploitative in a movie that other wise remains cookie cutter and almost safe. She's good in the movie, but her character serves no other reason than to look hot in string bikinis or to have her tits falling out the top of her shirt. And the fact that Mandy Lane has yet to see a release, but The Stepfather has, speaks volumes to the injustice that is life for the horror fan.

Poor product placement, an unoriginal and predictable premise, good looking-half naked teens, catchy pop music, easily digestible…in the end, The Stepfather is nothing short of Hollywood exploitation by way of a PG-13 rating.