Stepfather Factory

So it's father's day and with that comes the need to do something thematic, as well as the need to put myself through some possible torture at the same time. Sadly, the first thing that came to mind when I thought, "what can I do for father's day?" was to do a review of The Stepfather remake. It's on instant view and chances are it will make for an interesting review. Maybe.

In a way, there isn't all that much to say about The Stepfather narratively. It's a remake that follows the 1987 movie pretty closely, which is basically about a man that only wishes to have the perfect family, but when that systematized delusion is not met, this "stepfather" discards of his family by killing them, then moves on to his next family and the possible chance for unified family bliss. He finds a venerable woman, whom, thanks to a recent divorce, is single with kids and he swoops in with a gallon bucket full of charm, working his way into their lives in the hopes of forming the ideal family.

The Stepfather was directed by Nelson McCormick, a man who has directed a ton of television but is best known to horror fans as the director of Prom Night 2008. I reviewed that film some time ago over at Paracinema, and while I wasn't a big fan, I knew it was not made for my eyes as they are too old for that film. It was made for those youngsters and their skateboards. Still, it was a terrible movie, so what can I expect when McCormick comes back for yet another tween-geared remake of an 80’s horror film? Not much, but it is better than Prom Night at least.

As with Prom Night, The Stepfather is technically adept, but very standard at the same time. There is little to no creativity, but it does work as a functional film. The same can be said for the acting, which is nothing special, but everyone is solid, with Dylan Walsh's performance being well played and creepy enough, while not nearly as memorable as what was done by the ever so intense Terry O'Quinn.

Even if the film is close to competent, it also fails where so many unoriginal horror movies do. There is a so bad it hurts jump scare, with a cat no less, which caused me to punch my own cat in retaliation. There is a moment where a window is broken in the basement using the sound of thunder as cover…because a window being smashed in and thunder sound so much alike. The family that is chosen by the stepfather has three siblings, one that would be the main focus, while oddly enough, the other two are hardly ever around, especially the younger sister who is seen no more than two or three times. Then there's the whole cell phone ringer issue that is just going to cause my blood pressure to rise if I get into it, so I'll leave it at that.

Something that stood out like a sore dick was the obvious product placement. Every character uses a Mac, which is whatever, but the one that had me shaking my head in disbelief was the amount of time the game Burnout Paradise spends on screen. There is a least three moments where the kids are shown playing it, with a close up of the screen no less, but the kicker is the game's case is actually propped up at one point, right in front of the TV in which they are using. I can somewhat give a pass to a character drinking a mountain dew or some shit, but who props up a game case in front of their television? It was painfully lame.

Being better than Prom Night isn't much of a stretch, and I think it's only better due to this version staying on the rails of the original more than Prom Night did. However, that does play into the films lack of originality, and at least Prom Night tried to be its own movie, whether or not it was awful. The Stepfather is completely predictable, and even if it wasn't a remake, it is like so many movies that have come before it, from frame one, you know exactly what will happen in the film's runtime. You know that there are characters that will question the motives of the titular character, and you know he will end their life short to keep his cover and his dream of the perfect family alive. You know that the oldest child will be weary of this new man in his family’s life, and will spend the runtime trying to figure out what this dudes deal really is. It's overly dramatic familiarity.

One thing that is definitely better about this remake compared to Prom Night is the fact that one of the two main characters is an adult. That keeps the teen aspect to a lesser degree, as he is the main focus over the eldest son. While the "teen" aspect is there, complete with shitty pop-punk-commercial-rock music, it was all slightly acceptable due to how the presence of Amber Heard (who is best known to horror fiends as the titular character in All the Boys Love Mandy Lane) is handled.

I can see where those boys are coming from after seeing The Stepfather. While this kept me interested way more than much of the film, it is oddly gratuitous and exploitative in a movie that other wise remains cookie cutter and almost safe. She's good in the movie, but her character serves no other reason than to look hot in string bikinis or to have her tits falling out the top of her shirt. And the fact that Mandy Lane has yet to see a release, but The Stepfather has, speaks volumes to the injustice that is life for the horror fan.

Poor product placement, an unoriginal and predictable premise, good looking-half naked teens, catchy pop music, easily digestible…in the end, The Stepfather is nothing short of Hollywood exploitation by way of a PG-13 rating.

The Horror Hangover

Open those pretty little eyes sleepy head. Oh, don't you just look sooo cute when you wake up, but it's getting late and you don't want to miss any second of…The Horror Hangover! Actually, it isn't even that great of a Hangover this week as far as quantity goes, so I should probably just let you sleep in this afternoon. Still, being father's day, there are some very appropriate comedies playing throughout the afternoon.

AMC spends the day with a handful of Mel Brooks classics, starting with History of the World: Part 1 (1981) at 11:00, followed up by Blazing Saddles (1974) at 1:00, then finishing the fun with Spaceballs (1987) at 3:00. No Dracula: Dead and Loving it? I thought it was American Movie Classics, not American Movie Classics, except for Dracula: Dead and Loving It. Still, a nice little line-up and a hangover spent guffawing is better than one spent sleeping.  

There is one horror film on today, and it comes at us at noon when Sleepy Hallow (1999) fogs up your TV screen over at TNT. Great film and one of Burton's best, Sleepy Hallow stars Casper Van Dien, and that is all that matters. 

Hey, that's it. Told you it was a slow day, but at least there are a few movies on that can tickle your vodka soaked funny bone. Until next time kiddies.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party! Rambada: The Forbidden Dance Edition!

I have thrown quite a few of these whacky and wild Dance Parties now, and even though I've had this clip in the vault for sometime, I still find myself speechless, which is a first. It's just too much to take in for even a human as advanced as I, and it won't take you long to figure out why.

If you can't handle the entire clip due to a heart condition or you are easily turned on by sassy Spanish men, dressed up like Rambo, sexing up the screen, then please make sure to skip to 2:30. That is the moment when I am nothing short of destroyed and nothing can bring me back. The grandma hug-to-work out montage-to-sexy explosion starting at 3:15 just makes things worse.

Please, enjoy. 

What'd I tell ya? You probably need a Pepsi now to quench your thirst, but the thirst left by sweaty Spanish Rambo cannot be quenched that easily. To close the wound opened by this video, you need to burn it with some gun powder mixed with cobra spit and mango salsa.  

I did actually try and look for some info on this dude and this song, but I had to stop only after a few minutes. I think it would be a bad idea to take away from the mystique of this fabulous video, as in my mind, there really is a singing dancing Spanish Rambo that walks the streets spreading joy from his being and sweat from his follicles. Bless you Spanish Rambo, for you have blessed me with gold.

Diapers In A Bunch

It has recently dawned on me that I hardly get excited by most horror news anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are times when I am swept up by some big announcement, new trailers, stuff like that, but that doesn't seem to happen too often lately. I like to have my interest piqued, and it takes a lot to grab my attention, and then keeping my attention is even more difficult. Once in a while there is a film that begs to be ingested and has me clamoring for more. But more often than not, there isn't all that much I really need to know about a movie past a trailer or two, a couple of posters, and eventually a review.

I find a major annoyance with most internet horror news sites and what they deliver as "relevant" horror news, as it's mostly just boring and pointless filler. For example: "Hey horror fan, watch 96 new clips from Splice!" or "Oh snap, Jennifer Aniston is gonna be in Scream 4?!" or "C'mon, of course Jennifer Aniston's Scream 4 casting is a rumor. Duh?!" or "Here is another new trailer for REC 2! It's the brand new UK trailer, and it's new!" How about, I don't fucking care about a new trailer for REC 2 - how about, I only care about the DVD release date for REC 2, so I can go to the store and buy it. How about that? I saw trailers for REC 2 two years ago, and I can buy it on Amazon UK. A new trailer is not news to me.

I'm not even trying to place blame solely on the horror sites, even though it seems as if I just did. Obviously, being a fan of horror, I love horror sites, I just wish there wasn't so much bullshit on them sometimes. I notice and get most annoyed by it when news is especially slow. Being that this is mainly a horror blog, I receives some press release stuff from different companies here and there. Not like a website, or even like many of the bigger blogs, but I get mines. Now, it's cool getting those emails because it makes me feel…well, kind of special, but most of these emails are giving me news that is on par with what I just complained about in that last paragraph. It's pretty rare that I get one with something interesting and worth doing a post about. So I don't.

I guess a lot of the blame for that should be placed on marketing and companies throwing movie sites teeny tiny bones that have no meat, but they are still eaten up anyways and plastered as the newest headline. It's how these companies are keeping their product on the minds of horror fans with out giving up anything of real substance. Why do we need 6 boring new clips from so and so movie? We don't. Well, I don't, I just want to watch the movie, that's all.

Yeah, I know…waaah.

Baby Babble: Simon Says, Take the Dead For A Walk

• Simon says… check out my review for, Simon Says, a movie that I had in my instant queue, but may have never watched if not for Christine's (kind of) glowing review for the movie over at Paracinema some time back. The film stars movie madman Crispin Glover, and is a modern day Slasher with the hook of the main killer being named Simon, thus, Simon Says! How brilliant? So yeah, you can read that review over at the newest issue of BThroughZ as well as a whole slew of other awesome articles that will make your eye balls smile with joy. It's true.

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Simon Says, which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

 

• There has been a lot of hubbub going around the world of internet horror concerning the upcoming television incarnation of The Walking Dead. I haven't really cared all that much about it, most likely because I have never read the books, and I think I may have needed things to come closer to fruition before I could begin to show interest. Well, now I'm starting to, which brings forth the question, how friggin' cool will a zombie TV show be?! Based on well received source material, written, produced and directed by the great Frank Darabont, and it's on AMC, which is a channel that has put out quality original programming like only cable is capable of doing nowadays. So yeah, now I'm starting to get pumped for this show, and it is shaping up to be the biggest thing since Manimal.

• Now that the Blogathon/contest is completely all over, things are getting back to normal around here, and I am very happy about that. Mostly because I fear change….and Mark Wahlberg's third nipple. I do have a ton of very versatile film reviews written, waiting in the wings to be posted as well as a whole bunch of other ideas that are brewing in my cranium. I plan on really trying to push CNAMB to the next level and bring as much quality as I am capable of. Which isn't much, but I work with what I got. There's a dick joke in there somewhere. Anyways, keep yer eyes peeled, for the future is now!

The Horror Hangover

You know where you are? You're in the Hangover baby…you're gonna die! Okay, so maybe only a portion of that statement is true, unless you're 89-years-old and on your death bed. In that case, thanks for reading! You may not be passing anytime soon, but you certainly are feeling that way with all that Natty Ice you put in your body last night, so let me take you by the hand and lead you down the path to The Horror Hangover.   

IFC loves it's dead gay son by starting us off with Heathers (1989) at 10:15. Heathers is a favorite film from my youth as well as a cult classic, so there isn't much I really need to say about this one. I have seen Heathers quite a few times, but it has been a while, so what better time and place than this morning on IFC? Pick of the week.

The Hangover only gets easier from here on out as it's all SyFy, all day, starting at 11:00 with See No Evil (2006). I saw this maybe a year ago, and I remember absolutely nothing about it, so I can only assume that it wasn't very good. I do remember one pretty badass death at the end of the film that was cool enough for me to recall, but that is really all, unfortunately.   

At 1:00 SyFy takes a trip to the woods with Timber Falls (2007). Never saw this one myself, but it is directed by Tony Giglio, the man behind the classic family film Soccer Dog: The Movie (was there a TV show?), and we all know what a big fan of Soccer Dog you are. The plot reads stale and uncreative, but the review average isn't completely terrible, so take that which ever way you'd like. The trailer isn't too bad, and I decided to go with a foreign language one to make the movie appear better than it probably is. It actually works.

SyFy keeps on trucking through this Hangover with Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) at 3:00. I enjoyed the first Joy Ride, but I can't imagine a sequel being too great, especially when the crazed trucker sound like he rubs the lotion on his skin. And what's with the name, Rusty Nail? More like Rusty Trombone. 

Our Hangover comes to a dead end with Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) at 5:00 on SyFy. I've always heard good things about this sequel to a movie that I quite enjoyed, but I have yet to see it outside of a few minutes on SyFy, naturally. Rollins is always good for some entertainment, and the survival game show angle seems like fun, so I look forward to catching up with Dead End at some point in the future.  

That will be all for this edition of The Horror Hangover. See you all next week, when once again, you are half past dead.

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: The Fresh Drippings of Bel-Air Edition!

Well, the new version of The Karate Kid opens today, and surprisingly it looks better than I would have ever thought. However, I think that it only appears that way due to the presence of Jackie Chan. The fighting also looks like it will be elevated from the original, but that's probably because it's the more flashy art of Kung-Fu, not Karate, this time around. Funny, Kung-fu? Karate Kid? Eh, what's the difference, it's not as if anyone can differentiate between China and Japan anyways. Even if it looks okay, I still can't help but hate it. Why? Because I cannot stand that little girl, Jaden Smith, who isn't even worthy of Ralph Macchio's Jersey ball sweat. Sorry. It's not even his fault really so much it's his one-trick dad that I don't like, and shit rolls downhill as they say.

I'd rather not spend a dance party explaining my reasons for hating Will Smith post Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, because it's all about the music, man. Even more so, it's all about the original Karate Kid, and while it's not set off in some foreign land, or filled with near wire-fu Martial Arts, nor does it have an all-star cast and a robotic pre-teen with cute braids, it has heart, inspiration, and a drunken Miyagi. Oh, and it also has one of the greatest montages outside of a Rocky film. It's the type of montage that has you doing sit-ups and stretches within minutes. Just remember, there is only one person better than you, and that is you when trained to fight, trained to be strong and trained to be the best...around.

Written and performed by Joe Esposito, You're the Best is the hype song for the All-Valley Karate Championships as well as the hype song for my day-to-day life. You're the Best is just one of many classic songs made to pump up the audience in movies where adversity was faced head-on by whomever the underdog may be. An interesting note about this song is the fact that it was written for Rocky III, but after being nudged for Eye of the Tiger, it was again replaced by Maniac on the Flashdance soundtrack before making The Karate Kid cut. While I love the song, it is a little hokey even compared to Maniac and Eye of the Tiger, two songs that proved to be much more popular at the time. Still, bounced around or not, the song has an important place in cinema and in the hearts of Karate Kid fans across the globe.