Totally Tubular Trailers!

Here we go again with yet another fabulous set of trailers that are sure to pique your interest in one way or another. Unless you accidentally stumbled upon this site while looking for something to make syrup to, in that case, you probably don't care at all. I don't blame you.

Moving on… 

First up is a trailer for Splice, a film about two scientists who create something a little more than they expected when playing with human and animal DNA. This trailer starts off a little hokey, but by the end, it looks like it could be a pretty cool little horror film in the vein of Species, only better. Hopefully. One positive thing about Splice is it's helmed by Vincenzo Natali who directed one of the best horror films of the 90's with Cube, so we'll see if he can do something solid with this one.

Next trailer I got for you is for The Mechanic, which is a remake of the fantastic 1972 Charles Bronson, Jan-Michael Vincent hit-man film. While it would be very hard to live up to the original, if any man in film is worthy of playing a role once played by Bronson, it's Statham, though they are about as different as you can get in every way. And in all honesty, it's Statham that has me interested in giving this one a shot since I have a bit of a completely straight man crush on him. However, Ben Foster does not help this film at all and hopefully he can subdue his overacting for one fucking moment in his life.

This next trailer is for Alexandre Aja's much anticipated and long in the works, Piranha 3D. I have no reason to go over this one as you know about the movie already, but seeing this first teaser, I am pretty underwhelmed. Piranha 3D looks decent enough, but the second the titular antagonists are shown, I am completely flabbergasted with how shitty they look. I mean, this is a film that is going to be wearing it's cheese firmly on it's sleeve, but the piranha effects are not where you want to get that feel from. Sorry, SyFy already has that covered and it's never a good thing when a film has bad CGI creatures no matter what film it is. I have a really bad feeling about this one after seeing the trailer and my anticipation for the film just went into the toilet. Plop. 

(My apologies about the video and the ad at the beginning – apparently, Piranha 3D is so important that embedding is disabled on You Tube.)

Now, this last trailer makes up for the let down of Piranha by keeping shit real! Burning Bright (aka Ravenous) is one I have been excited for since hearing the insane premise, which is about a young girl and her autistic brother getting trapped in their house during a hurricane. Doesn't sound too bad, I know, but they aren't trapped in the house alone, instead, they are trapped with a ravenous tiger! Now that's what I am talking about! This movie looks awesome and cool and tight and bad-nasty and sick and wicked and dope and badass and rad and phat and and and… *passes out*

Sorry, I had a tiger trapped in a house film breakdown for a second, forgive me. Check out the trailer and get ready for your breakdown! 

And on that high note, I leave you, but not for long as I will be back ASAP to hold and love you the way that you would want to be held and loved.

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

Hey, remember this segment?! It sure has been a while since I've done a Monster of the Week…maybe I should change the name to Monster of the Quarterly! Aww jeez, just how silly would that be?! Not that I ever really did Monster of the Week every week per say, but it has been far too long since I have done one, so for that, I apologize. So, in it's long overdue return to what will hopefully be a more normal rotation, I have what would be an interesting monster for this edition of Monster of the Week. This is a creature that draws mixed reviews from horror fans for it's celluloid incarnation, but for me, it is a monster that scared the corn right out of my ass when I was a kid and one that I still have a soft spot for.

Alright, lets get this long overdue show on the road and introduce our Monster of the Week… 

Rawhead Rex!

Rawhead Rex is a monster to be reckoned with – this massive madman has appeared in print, film, and even a handful of graphic novels. My first introduction to Rawhead Rex came via the 1986 film adaptation of the short story from Clive Barker's third volume in the Books of Blood series. So, while some may say the movie is awful (including Barker himself), at the time I saw it, it was pretty damned scary, mostly due to how monstrous and toothy Rawhead was. Plus, the Ireland setting is a fantastic one and there is a very appealing and natural atmosphere about the film due to it's dark and gloomy setting. Granted, I was pretty young when I saw the movie, so that of course factors heavily into my fear of the creature quite heavily.

Now, whether or not I enjoy the movie, I know it's not all that great, something that came to me when I first read the short story some years back and was blown away by how good it was in comparison to the film. However, even as I read the story, all I could think was how difficult a story it is to translate to screen, mostly due to the inner thoughts of Rawhead himself. Anyways, the film is not a good one, but it is a fun one for being cheesy and completely out there (that baptism scene?!), and you gotta love that big dopey Rex with his crossed glowing red eyes and intense fear of the female flow.    

I really wish Rawhead Rex would see a rerelease on DVD again someday. Lions Gate Home Entertainment owns the license, but still no plans are in place for a release, which is unfortunate. Either way, I still love me some Rawhead (wait, what did I just type?) and I think he makes for an interesting and fun return to Monster of the Week! 

The Horror Hangover

Hello sleepy heads! I'm proud to say that after missing last week, The Horror Hangover is back and better than ever baby! Well, maybe not better…actually, come to think of it, maybe not even as good as it sometimes can be, but there's still some crap on TV to watch today, so that's a start!
SyFy starts our day at 11:00 with part 1 of The Curse of King Tut's Tomb (2006), followed by part 2 at 1:00. This Russell Mulcahy epic is about King Tut's tomb and the curse that lies within, but that's just a guess, so don't quote me on that. One thing you can quote me on, is the film star's Caper Van Dien doing his best Indiana Jones imitation. So if your math skills are up to snuff, that equals fours hours of CVD! You can thank me later.

Up next, USA gives us a little afternoon action with The Condemned (2007) at 11:00. I don't know too much about the film outside of the premise being familiar to something like The Running Man, which is okay by me. It also stars Steve Austin, someone that I am sure can hold his own with the action scenes and tough guy persona, as he is best known for his wrestling work. Plus, it never hurts having Vinnie Jones in a film either, unless it's X-Men: The Last Stand that is (I'm the Juggernaut, bitch!). Surprisingly, The Condemned has a 6 on IMDB, which is not a bad score for this type of film, so it may be worth a view for anyone hungry for some action.

The action continues at 12:00 when E! goes undercover with True Lies (1994). True Lies is just plain old fun, and anything Schwarzenegger, is always going to be supported here at Chuck Norris Ate My Baby. Plus, it's always enjoyable watching Jaime Lee Curtis strip, one because it is hot, and two, because her ass is almost as flat as Jessie Spano's in Showgirls.

At 1:15, we get even more Casper Van Dien action with Sleepy Hollow (1999) on TNT. I love Sleepy Hollow quite a bit and I think it's one of Burtons best films, as well as one of his best team ups with Depp, outside of Ed Wood, naturally. It was a film that came at a time when horror had been in a bit of a slump and the throwback to atmospheric, Hammer horror styled cinema was more than welcome. Great film and definitely my pick of the week!

Last film of the day comes at 3:30 with Transporter 2 (2005) on FX. I love the first Transporter film with how solid it was and how it showed me what a badass one Mr. Jason Statham is. The sequels are not quite up to par and I found them both to be slightly disappointing and a little too over the top in comparison to the first film in the series. Still, love me some Statham and even a mediocre Statham action film is a decent enough way to spend a portion of your day.

That's all she wrote, kiddies…have a good hangover and thanks for stopping by and making CNAMB a part of your day!

Freddy's Friday Night dance Party!: Kicking and Screaming Edition!

I always have a crate full of videos to be randomly picked from each week for this little segment known as Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party, and tonight's has been in that crate all the way at the very bottom for some time. If there is one thing this video doesn't make me want to do, it's dance, rather, it makes me want to leave my computer, go outside, and scream at babies in frustration with how bad it is. Go ahead, click play, and within 20 seconds, you too will want to Scream!   

This aptly titled song, Scream, was performed by Master P and featured Silkk the Shocker for the 1997 sequel, Scream 2. There really isn't much to find out about this track and my effort past wiki is no more than scrolling down the goggle page. I would assume that both P and Silkk wrote the song, but in the end, who cares? I personally cannot stand Master P and consider him to be one of those people who, in his heyday, was everything that was wrong with Hip-Hop and music in general. He's faded out, thankfully, but his obnoxious legacy still irritates me, thus, my slight ranting. His catchphrase was Uhhhhh, for crying out loud! It's more like Ughhhh.

I generally do not use videos for songs or artists that I dislike, but in the spirit of what this segment is all about, videos like this one do need to be acknowledged every so often. In one way, part of me is happy to see a video like this as it's somewhat recent and music/horror movie intergraded music videos are not as common as they were back in the day. However, the lack of the Ghostface character picking up the mic shows that the 80's did OST music videos the best. As for the film itself, Scream 2 is okay, though I have not seen it in many years. I was initially disappointed in it when it came out, but it cannot be any worse than the third film.

Baby Babble: Trancing to the Oldies

It's that time of the month again folks, and no, I'm not talking about that time of the month, I mean the time has come for the newest issue of BThroughZ to be unleashed onto the interwebs! There just so happens to be a party going on over at BThroughZ and it's being thrown by B-movie legend Charles Band with Tim Thomerson on the tables and Helen Hunt working the strobe. What's the name of this party you ask? It's called Trancers and no, Trancers is not the transvestite version of MANswers, but a 1985 sci-fi action film of the low budget variety as well as the focus for my review this month over at BThroughZ. So if you feel like dancing (and who doesn't?), then clickity click away and all your dreams will come true. Well, if your dreams are to read a review of Trancers written by me that is.  

ATTENTION!!! This is future Matt-suzaka, and sadly BThroughZ no longer exists, so here is a link to my review of Trancers which is now located on the very blog you are reading! Enjoy! CLICK HERE!

 

Before I let you all go, if any of you are LAMB members, you may be aware that it is time for the 2010 LAMMY Awards. Now, while the thought of being nominated for something like Best Blog, Best Horror/Sci-Fi blog, or something along those lines, would be super duper, I would doubt that a possibility. Maybe Funniest Writer is a possibility, but I have read plenty of blogs that are funnier than mine are and my humor isn't for everyone ('cause not everyone is awesome!). However, there is one award that this here blog totally deserves and actually may have a chance to win, and that is for Best Blog Name! I mean, I know the name Chuck Norris Ate My Baby is pure gold, but even if I didn't, enough people have told me so, so it must be true! So, if you are a LAMB member, vote for me and I'll cook you some bomb ass fettuccini alfredo.

Click that banner down thuuur to learn all that needs to be learned.

That's all the pathetic self promotion I got for you this time around. Thanks for your time and remember, whether or not Jesus loves you, I always will and that is something you can count on. Onward Baby Eating soldier.

The Only Good Nazi, Is an Undead Nazi

I had very low expectations for 2009's Dead Snow, which could possibly be due to the fact that it was touted as a horror comedy and I was hoping for something a little more serious I guess. Many of the reviews I looked at were (and still are), for the most part, lackluster and the complaints about the film only ensured that I would more than likely hate it. As it turns out, those reasons that I should dislike Dead Snow are very much there, but for some reason, they didn't bother me all that much.

Directed by Tommy Wirkola, Dead Snow follows a group of medical students who take a trip to a secluded mountain cabin for a weekend of skiing and fun. Their good time is flipped upside-down when they are faced with the threat of vicious Nazis, but these aren’t Neo-Nazis were talking about here folks…nope, these are Zombie Nazis, straight out of (Compton!) WWII! Now, why would Zombie Nazis do something this uncalled for? Well, there's this conveniently (but well) told back-story where it’s explained that during WWII, a group of Nazis tried to steal valuables from the local people near the end of the war. The townsfolk took action into their own hands, attacking and killing many of the Nazis, and chasing the remaining ones into the frigid mountains, where it is thought that they all had froze to death. Since then, there have been many deadly and strange occurrences to happen in the surrounding area.

Now, Dead Snow is a Zombie film, but it really does not follow the structure of one, nor, outside of a few scenes, does it hardly ever feel like one. Instead, much of the film, especially the first half, follows the structure of a Neo-Slasher movie. I guess with the feel of a Neo-Slasher film mixed in with the snowy and secluded setting, Dead Snow has a lot in common with another well know Norwegian horror film, 2006's Fritt Vilt (better known in the States as Cold Prey). Both films have similarities, but are essentially quite different from one another, however, it is easy to compare the two in many ways but one, which is Dead Snow is less serious when it gets down to the nitty gritty.

Marketed as a horror comedy, Dead Snow is looked at and compared to films like Shaun of the Dead and the more recent, Zombieland. However, I would not consider it as much a horror comedy, as I would a fun horror movie with comedic moments. I don't think it tries to be as funny as the films just motioned and the humoristic elements seem to be more so at the film’s tail end, when the Undead-Nazis really make their presence known. When the attempts at humor are made, they work pretty well and there are some very funny moments that aren't too over the top and some that are slightly so. Things like a Nazi taking a bite out of one of the characters, only to come up with a mouth full of feathers from the heavy winter jacket. Or, a character that fights off an attacking Nazi while hanging off the edge of a cliff by the intestines of another Nazi. Pretty funny stuff.

Too many powdered jelly donuts? 

Even though it's been done many times before, Dead Snow has a great setting and the surrounding winter wonderland is the perfect place for blood to be spilt. And there is plenty of blood, guts, brains, and even the before mentioned intestines, to satisfy the basic gore needs of some horror fans. However, one of the issues that I take with this film is the fact that there is a liberal use of CGI blood. Now, there are some great effects on display in Dead Snow and many of them look practical, so I don't really understand the need to put in the extra-extra fake blood. Only thing I could come up with is maybe the folks behind the movie wanted to bloody it up a little more after the fact, so they added in the CGI blood afterwards to meet their quota. Bad move.

Now, I already alluded to the fact that I liked Dead Snow, but there are plenty of issues with the movie outside of the CGI blood work. Besides the zombified Nazis, it's not a very original film at all. There is very little that we all haven't seen before, from the setting and the story, to the characters as well as the interaction of those characters. Then there is the one thing that can always irritate most any horror fan…self-referential horror characters and situations. There's a ton of self-referencing in this film, from conversations about Friday the 13th and April Fools Day, to a horror-nerd character wearing a Braindamage shirt, who also warns about certain situations and how they would play out in a horror film. Even some little moments like a trip to a tool shed for weapons, i.e. a chainsaw, are clearly inspired by Evil Dead II.

Still, the referential stuff wasn't completely annoying, even though I didn't really like it and it made me cringe a little, it did not ruin the movie for me. Maybe it was because the movie was subtitled, making it less obnoxious? I don't know, this entire film has stuff that would normally bother me, but with this film in particular, these things just didn't. Maybe my low expectations helped and I could have been in just the right mood to enjoy Dead Snow, but it could also be that it's a wicked fun movie, problems or not. It's very well made, with some great music, solid acting, and some very funny little moments. There are also a few standout scenes that display some serious talent, one being a buried alive scene, as well as a scene where a character wakes up from being unconscious, only to see through groggy eyes that they are being eaten alive.

I think the filmmakers behind Dead Snow did exactly what they set out to do and for the most part, they did it very well. They certainly did it much better than what was done with Cabin Fever 2. I can see many people not liking this film and to a point, I don't blame them. There was quite a bit of hype for Dead Snow and it doesn't live up to that hype whatsoever, but there is a lot of mindless fun to be had with the movie and it's certainly worth a watch with expectations in check.

I'd Buy That For A Dollar!

Well, it's been quite a while since I had to skip a Hangover, but there was almost nothing on TV worth mentioning this Sunday and I can only do as much as the schedule allows me. Sorry kiddos. I know just how important this segment is to all three of you, so I shall make it up by providing a couple of incredibly odd, but totally entertaining television commercials that I recently discovered. All three of these TV ads star a face that should be more than familiar to all of you, and that is the face of a certain officer of the law known as, RoboCop!

Enjoy the madness that is about to explode all up in your brain… 

 

So like, part of me wants to know what they're saying (in the ads), but deep down, I know the truth cannot be nearly as grand as what is in my mind. Then again, maybe it it is, but I'll never know and never do I desire to find out. Also, nothing says "buy noodles" like a character from a hyper violent sci-fi action flick directed by Paul Verhoeven. On top of that, nothing is more ironic than the character of RoboCop being used to promote consumerism. I guess a cop's salary must not be all that great in a dystopian Detroit if Murphy has to resort to sponsorships, but whatever puts baby food on the table I guess.