There are very few things that are worse than waking up with a screaming hangover. What IS worse than waking up with a screaming hangover, is when you wake up with a screaming hangover after losing an hour of sleep last night. Just the idea of being bombed at 2:00 in the morning, only to realize it's actually 3:00, is just plain awful. Hopefully your pain is minimal, as well as the possible venereal diseases you may have picked up last night. If it's any consolation, there are movies to be had this afternoon, so lets get this party started!
Starting bright and early at 9:30, The Skulls (2000) is playing on AMC. It's a movie - with some people - who wear some clothes and say some words. Watch it if you want. Or don't and go back to sleep…
…so you can wake up and watch Blade (1998) at 10:30 on FX. I love me some Blade (well, the first two) and when folks say that vampires are bitch asses now because of Twilight, least they forget that it hasn't been all that long since the Blade films. Solid action, some pretty badass vampires, and the opening bloodbath are all reasons worth giving Blade a view this afternoon.
Up next at 11:30, Jack Brooks: Monster Slayer (2008) is on SyFy. I thought this one was pretty decent, and I actually wrote a review of it over at Paracinema some time back. Far from perfect, Jack Brooks has a pretty slow first half and a slightly obnoxious character played by the dude that played Freddy Krueger, but the film makes up for it with an exciting final act filled with a copious amount of old-school practical effects and puppetry.
Keeping with a similar tone, SyFy follows up Jack Brooks with My Name is Bruce (2007) at 1:30. I liked it enough, I guess. As a fan of Bruce Campbell and Sam Raimi, I loved it. If you aren't a HUGE fan of The Evil Dead films and Campbell, then there isn't much to enjoy about this incredibly lame movie. It's filled with a ton of funny horror fan in-jokes that only fans of the Dead movies and Campbell would get, so outsiders, tread lightly.
And now continuing with the respectable vampires of recent years, Underworld: Evolution (2006) is on FX at 3:30. The Underworld films are okay, but my issue with them has mostly been the poor depiction of werewolves, especially how they are brought to life. At least the vampires are pretty decent, and more importantly, wicked hot. An Underworld film is not the worst way to spend a day on the sofa.
SyFy once again keeps it movin' at 3:30 when, The Nightmare Before Christmas (1993) brings about a great way to end the Hangover. Do I really need to say anything about this one? It's a masterpiece of cinema and everything that is wonderful about the art of film. There, how's that? Works for me.
That about does it for this edition of The Horror Hangover. Unfortunately, I just lost a damned hour of sleep, but it was all worth it to bring you a slate of televised cinema that would be worthy of a person that isn't even hungover.
Out of all the deaths that have happened in the last year or so, Corey Haim's has been the one that is the toughest for me. All deaths are awful, but the better of the two Corey's was the coolest cat on the planet to me when I was a kid and him being pretty close to my age, makes it all the more troubling. Haim was someone that I idolized as a youngster and I wanted to be just like him. I remember all too well wanting to have the same cool hair that he had in Fast Getaway, but thanks to my wavy past two inches hair, I couldn't (don't judge me). Corey Haim was my first favorite actor (that I remember…before that, it was probably Kermit), and with some of the movies that are on his resume, that shouldn't be a surprise.
He was a major part of my childhood and a handful of his films were and still, are some of my favorites. Silver Bullet, License to Drive, The Lost Boys, Lucas, Dream a Little Dream, and yes, Fast Getaway are movies that I loved growing up. So, when it came to the choice for a song tonight, it was tough because I would rather it be something more lighthearted, as opposed to all Cry Little Sister and shit. Unfortunately, Haim didn't go through the same corny M.J. phase that Feldman went through (though he did have an album!), so I have to settle for Rock On from 1989's Dream a Little Dream.
Originally recorded and released in 1973 by David Essex, Rock On went on to be covered in 1989 by some lame soap actor, Michael Damian. His version appeared on the album, Where Do We Go From Here, but is better known for being the battle cry song in (also recently deceased) Marc Rocco's, Dream a Little Dream. I actually never really liked this song and really still don't. Jimmy Dean? Really?! I should've just done Cry Little Sister. RIP Corey Haim…I look forward to seeing you in Crank 2 someday.
Even though my actual date of physical birth was only a few days ago, today marks yet another birthday for me and that would be I have been blogging for exactly one year to this very day. The very first post, review, or anything of that nature that I ever did, came on March 11th of 2009 over at Paracinema…The Blog. I remember being pretty darned nervous in my early days posting reviews and other such nonsense at Paracinema, but over time, that changed as well as my comfortability writing.
Since my very first post, things have changed so much and I have met many great people through Paracinema and here, at CNAMB. I feel blessed that several awesome people even bother to read my shit and so many leave such great comments and kind words. I write for a lot of reasons, but one of the most rewarding is to get a positive comment about something I wrote, or an email, or DM on twitter from someone saying that they love CNAMB. It really brings joy to my naughty parts, so thank you to everyone that reads this, or any post I ever write.
Now that I'm done being a pussy, I shall share with you my very first ever blog post by reposting it right here, completely unedited. It's a review of The Glove, and to say this review is rough around the edges is putting it lightly. While I might not be the best writer on the block, I sure as hell have gotten better at least! Enough of my words already, read my yucky review of, The Glove (!)!
No Glove. No Love
So in searching for something interesting to watch late one lonely and most likely semi nude night, I stumbled upon the 1979 masterwork, "The Glove." Paired up with "Search and Destroy" on the Dark Sky Films' "Drive in Double Feature" release. The Glove stars one John "Fuck Yeah!" Saxon, and Roosevelt "Rosey" Grier. With a tag line as powerful as "Wanted: Dead NOT Alive" and an opening credit sequence consisting of some of the finest music (Performed by the Glove himself Roosevelt Grier) and animation this side of the brown bowl, you might think you’re in for a serious treat. You are for the most part, as this is the perfect party movie to watch with some drunken friends. (Or semi nude and all alone.)
This Ross Hagen directed story is simple enough, Sexy Saxon plays Sam Kellog, a bounty hunter with a vicious tan who is paid 20 g’s to track down and detain Victor Hale (Grier) AKA The Glove! (I don’t think that’s what he really goes by…but I like to think so) The Glove(!) has been on a rampage of epic proportions, taking revenge on the prison guards that wrongly lumped him up while serving his jail sentence. The Glove's(!) weapon of choice is of course the same weapon the guards used on him…a glove. Though this is no ordinary glove. This is the kind of glove that demands respect. The kind of glove that is made up of "Bad ass" and "oh shit!" Why he doesn't have two gloves I’ll never know. I guess this one glove is more than enough when it comes to taking care of business.
As mentioned earlier the movie starts off strong with an awesome title sequence and quickly moves into one of the most ridiculous, yet fun scenes in this entertaining, but semi boring film. When you see The Glove(!) gearing up John Rambo style, you know someone's catching a beat down. The best is when he slides the glove on, and slowly closes his hand into a fist, only to quickly reopen his hand showing that this is not a glove made for winter. Decked out in what appears to be an MLB catcher's gear and a motorcycle helmet (all in black of course) that he needs to keep him safe from injury, as he travels by a…uh…car. The Glove(!) rolls up on his first victim to find him banging some girl he shouldn't be in the backseat of a car. Well these two dirty birds are in for a rude awakening when The Glove(!) tears apart the car with his super powered glove of death and makes mince meat out of its inhabitants. After this great beginning, the movie has little to no action at all. I spent a lot of time waiting to see some gloved action again. It’s not a terrible movie though, Saxon is very solid and carries the film for the most part. And he is involved in what is a strange yet entertaining scene involving a male homosexual couple that needs to be seen to be believed.
Another aspect I do like about this film is it’s the type of movie that the protagonists and antagonists are not all that clear. While somewhat silly, you see a light side of the Grier character that shows he’s not just some mindless prick out to kill for revenge, but actually has a heart too. Aww how sweet.
The ending is kind of entertaining, as we get a show down between Saxon and The Glove(!) where the tables are turned, and Sax gets a chance to do some damage with the glove against the…uh…glove(!) and you think its ass kickin time, right?! Well even the all mighty water resistant Glove cant help a 160 pound Saxon against a 250 pound ex NFL defensive tackle. Or does it? I’ll leave it up to you to find out for yourself.
If any of this sounds like your cup of Joe and you have been yearning for a good Halloween costume idea, then I would have to recommend giving The Glove(!) a whirl.
Word on the street has been surprisingly positive for this sequel to Eli Roth's highly misunderstood 2002 film debut. Considering its storied and well-known traumatic history, and the fact that it was a DTV sequel is something that doesn't bode well for any horror movie, but I started to actually want to give this sequel a shot and check it out for myself. Now, I'm not one to let my expectations get the best of me, so I know that is not the problem here, but what anyone sees in this movie is well beyond me.
Picking up almost immediately after the events in the first Cabin Fever, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever never actually picks up anywhere. Instead, you are just plopped into the lives of impossibly stereotypical characters, living mundane and even more typical lives. I mean, the main character is a super smart (but not ugly, of course) nerd, who has been in love with his female best friend since they were kids. Only problem is, she is dating the resident dick face, and is blind to the love that said smart and compassionate best friend has for her. Crazy, right?! Now get this, the resident dick face hates the sweet and well-meaning nerd and kicks his ass warning him to stay the fuck away from his girl, but that doesn't stop nerd boy, oh no siree.
Is any of this starting to sound familiar at all? It should, it's the plot to 209,635 other movies, many of which are much better than Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever.
One of the only cool things in Spring Fever was the return of Giuseppe Andrews, but even his character of Winston really has no objective in the film. However, his role in Cabin Fever was somewhat pointless, but it was at least fun, quirky, and worked within the type of film that Cabin Fever was. Here, it feels like it was just forced and shoehorned…trying to capture something that could only be captured once. Still, at least with Winston came the cameo of Mark Borchardt, who surprisingly was much better acting wise than much of the film's cast, all of whom were far from good. Actually, Noah Segan wasn't too bad when he wasn't yelling, but that's really it.
Spring Fever is not funny enough (or at all), it's not gross enough, but it tries so hard to be both of these things. All of the humor falls flat and even though there are a few very gross scenes, there is nothing to be moved by with this one. I was really expecting this movie to be disgusting, and granted there is some nasty shit, there was not really enough to impress me. Seeing as it takes place at a high school and during prom, one would expect a major prom blowout, but instead, all there was was a bunch of hose styled projectile puke blood, then dead. That's it. It should have been the big set piece to display some nasty stuff, but instead they displayed how not to make someone puke. Unless they were trying to be funny, that is. In that case, it wasn't funny at all.
The entire film feels very incomplete and scatterbrained and that carries into some of the technical pieces with its lack of flow and weak editing. Even worse is I do not think I have ever heard a film with worse sound editing than with Cabin Fever 2. There is a scene when two characters are walking down the street having a conversation, but you can barely make out what they're saying. Why? Because the song playing was WAY TOO LOUD, and even worse was the sound of wind flowing through the trees and leaves. I was flabbergasted by just how intrusive the sound of the leaves blowing was and I couldn't wait for the scene to end it was so awful and nerve wracking.
With that said, there area few things that are positive about Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever, but not many. I like the way the movie looks with some of the set design and how a few scenes are shot (especially the prom stuff). It definitely has a certain look that could be appealing if put together in a cohesive and competent way. Some of the make-up and gag FX are quite well done and look super impressive. Even though the film lacked in the gross department, there were a handful of awesome little moments, but the two standouts were the head bashing via fire extinguisher and band saw hand removal scene. Actually, the hand removal scene was going pretty damned well, until something so completely ridiculous happened just in time to ruin one of the few good moments in this otherwise shit piss of a film.
There was a golden opportunity to have a fun little body horror film with Cabin Fever 2 – there is the hint of something good buried somewhere in the film, but it's just so disjointed and sloppy. I hardly even tapped into the vastness of what's wrong with this movie (the ending?!! UGHH!), but I'm just tired of even thinking about it anymore. I just really disliked this one and as most of you know, it is a rare thing for me to hate a movie with as much passion as I hate Cabin Fever 2 right now. While so many sling shit at something like Book of Shadows, Spring Fever makes that film look like the fucking Empire Strikes Back. One things for sure, Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever is the worst film I have seen in 2010 thus far, which is incredibly disappointing considering how many people have seemed to enjoy it.
Just in time for the Oscars, the 2009 Cyber-Horror Awards is live and direct for your viewing pleasure. I would guess that many of my readers were contributors, but if you aren't aware of the Cyber-Horror Awards, it's essentially the Oscars for horror as voted by much of the online horror community. It was put together by B-Sol from The Vault of Horror and you can stop by his page for a list of all that contributed to the awards if you're curious as to what chuckle heads besides me made these picks.
So, head over to the 2009 Cyber-Horror Awards and check out the winners as well as the other nominations, and below I've provided what and who I myself chose for the awards. Unfortunately, while I did see most of the movies involved, I didn't see all of them, which makes me a little sad. Also, we were allowed to write in choices if they weren't listed as nominations as long as they were released, or made available on DVD in the States in 2009. This was the case with one film that I wrote in for three of the biggest spots, so let me know what you think of my picks as well as the winners overall.
My picks for the 2009 Cyber-Horror Awards!
Ray Harryhausen Award for Best Visual Effects
Coraline
Tom Savini Award for Best Makeup
Greg Nicotero, Drag Me to Hell
Bernard Herrmann Award for Best Score
Bruno Coulais, Coraline
Albert S. D'Agostino Award for Best Production Design
It's Oscar morning and I'm sure at least a few of you will be spending the day gearing up for the events, and letdowns of tonight's big occasion. I know I'll be watching, and more than likely getting pissed about the movies/actors that win while so many great movies/performances are just completely overlooked. It is what it is and as long as Christoph Waltz gets what he deserves, I'll be mostly happy. Okay, that's enough jibber jabber about Hollywood fluff, let's get into what I have for this Sunday's Hangover already…
You might want to buckle up for the first movie today as Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) pulls into SyFy at 11:00. This was on a previous Hangover and I remember thinking that it looked like it could possibly be okay. I did like the first film for what it is and Dead Ahead looks to be more of the same. But what's up with the trucker dude's voice in this one? Sounds like Fred Gwynne in Pet Sematary, but less awesome.
Prepare for mediocrity when Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines (2003) shows up on FX at noon. I tried to watch this movie once and couldn't even make it all the way through, which should tell you just about everything you need to know. Maybe this will be something to appreciate in the future, but I doubt it.
At 1:00 Shallow Ground (2005) digs it's way onto SyFy. Even though some of the camera tricks used remind me of late 90's Full Moon features (which is not necessarily a bad thing, mind you), this one has a decent score of 5.2 on IMDB. So it might be worth a shot in the sense that it could be decent, but I would guess otherwise.
Up next, SyFy has Hostel (2005) at 3:00, followed by Hostel Part II (2007) at 5:00. I enjoyed Hostel quite a bit and like very few, enjoy the sequel even more so and my reasons why will have to come at a more appropriate time. While I personally consider it a solid pick for pick of the week, there really isn't much competition this weekend either, so I'll make this double dose of terror my pick of the week!
At 3:30, the mediocrity from earlier comes full circle with Blade: Trinity (2004) on Spike. Another part 3, that is more like a number 2 (that's code word for poop). This is one that I could only watch in small doses, and while it isn't as bad as T3, it's pretty weak in comparison to the first and especially the second film. I would still watch it, though, but only if it was on at the right time and nothing better was available.
That does it for this week…hope you all have a great night and enjoy the Oscars if you're planning on watching them!
