Ya know, since Clubber Lang is the Monster of the Week and all, why not go all the way and make this edition of Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party a special one, by having the one and only, Mr. T bring the beats and rhymes like only he knows how! Many of you have probably seen this, but if you haven’t, it is filled with more gold than an R. Kelly shower. Just when you thought it was okay to tell ma dukes what a hoe she is, Mr. T steps in to let you know that you should Treat your mother right!
This badass entry into the Hip-Hoposphere is taken from the 1984 motivational video, Be Somebody... or Be Somebody's Fool! It was a video meant to teach kids about respect for their elders as well as respect for themselves. Be Somebody…or Be Somebody’s Fool! was actually produced by Topper Carew, who just so happened to be the writer/producer on the cult classic, D.C. Cab – so it’s clear that when T and Carew got together, magic was made by the cock load.
There are so many things that rule about Treat your mother right, starting off with the very first line where the softball player takes a jab at the little kid by saying that he couldn’t be anymore than five. Now that’s just taking things a little too far right there. Still, I think his ear's sticking out rebuttal is what wins the battle for the little kid, but we’ll never know how it could’ve played out due to T interfering with the big girl’s impending mother joke. There are a few things that I have personally taken from this fine video and made a part of my life. First, make sure to give your mom back massages while wearing weight lifting gloves…one day that could lead to still living at home when you’re 45. Also, take the groceries in for her already! She needs to keep her back strong for when she is auditioning your new father already! And lastly, I couldn’t help but notice that Mr. T, circa this video, would have made for a fine addition to the Sleepaway Camp crew of scantly clad males. Mr. T does not approve of this post.
Some monster are driven by a deep seated anger and rage that comes from having a tough and unfair childhood spent on the streets - some find a way to get that anger and hatred out in a socially acceptable way. Having an outlet, such as boxing to get the anger out is a good thing, but it doesn’t make the person less the Monster if they are driven by hurting others without remorse. Some aren’t able to take the negative experiences of a past difficult life and turn them into something positive for others with their success.
This is the case with this week’s Monster, so without any further ado, the Monster of the Week is…
James "Clubber" Lang!
Appearing in 1982’s Rocky III, James “Clubber” Lang is the opponent and antagonist to the great Rocky Balboa. Clubber Lang is an angry man, and as he works his way up the boxing ranks, his anger is fueled by watching Balboa win frivolous title matches against weak and lesser opponents. He see’s someone at the top that in his eyes doesn’t deserve it and it just makes him all the more upset. Lang is played by the great Mr. T and I think I need not explain who that man is (loved his cereal), but I will say that his performance in Rocky III is quite fantastic. We know that Mr. T was a real life tough guy, that’s what got him the role in Rocky III, but the real T is one of the kindest and most noble people to work in film and television, and that is evident from his positive messages to children over the years. His real life persona almost mirrors that of Lang in a sense, but he decided to make a positive impact, instead of a negative one with his success.
Mr. T is as far from Clubber Lang as it gets and that is what makes him so great in the movie…Lang is incredibly intimidating and he’s as scary as a broken condom. Rocky Balboa has faced many antagonists, but what separates Clubber Lang from the rest of the pack is he never shows any signs of kindness, nor is he apologetic for his negative actions. He is just a mean dude that only wants to knock the block off Rocky Balboa out of hatred and jealousy. Even Ivan Drago wasn’t that bad of a guy and in the end, he showed signs of couth, giving respect for Rocky as a fighter, which eventually led to the end of the cold war. Thank god.
I’ve been battling sickness all week and just when I think I’m all better, I wake up feeling crummy again. It sucks and it’s wicked difficult to focus on writing shit when I feel like butt, but feeling crappy and writing a little less gives me the chance to just sit at the computer and search the internets for interesting trailers. So here are a few that caught my attention that I wanted to share with all you lovely ladies and germs.
First up is the trailer for Lost for Words. Written and directed by Sean Wainsteim, Lost for Words is a fairytale of sorts, but no real plot details are available at this time. It is described by Wainsteim as: a love letter to the time I spent in the library as a child, immersing myself in books, illustrations, music, performance and puppetry that led to a lifelong fascination with storytelling. How endearing. The trailer is quite fascinating and the visual style, as well as the production values are very eye catching. Definitely something to look forward to.
Next up is a trailer for the Malaysian horror film, Killer Clown. Now this promises to be completely awful, but more than likely, utterly entertaining. As seen with movies like Student Confidential and The Room, you know you’re getting into something special when a film is written, produced, directed, and staring the same guy, and that guy is Julian Cheah. Bathe in the badness!
Next is the trailer for Centurion, an epic sword and sandal film from genre favorite, Neil Marshall. The movie takes place during the war between Roman soldiers and Pict tribesmen during the 2nd century Roman conquest of Britain, and is promised by Marshall, to be very bloody and brutal! Magnolia/Magnet Releasing announced just today that they have acquired the U.S. rights to Centurion and will release it as part of their Six Shooter Film Series, which includes the sadly truncated U.S. release of Red Cliff and one of my top films of last year, Bronson. Marshall has proven to be one of the best horror/cult directors working today, so this is a film that I am definitely excited for and with it being picked up by Magnet, it should be seeing a VOD as well as a limited theatrical release very soon.
In tiny trailer news, here is the super quick teaser for Jorge Jaramillo and Luis Fernando Mora’s, Play with Me (Juego Conmigo). The film is described as a psychological horror film that concerns “a number of individuals drawn into a world of living childlike nightmares.” Intriguing and even though the teaser is only 20 seconds, it is certainly worth noting.
Last trailer for the day comes from Someone's Knocking At the Door, which is set for a DVD release on May 25th. Written and directed by Chad Ferrin and staring Noah Segan, Someone's Knocking at the Door is a throwback to over the top Grind house cinema and blends a slew of off kilter genres. I really like this trailer a lot – the film looks incredibly strange and I enjoy how the music is used in it too.
That does it for this go around kiddies, hope you saw something new, something cool, and something that interests you, in this batch of Totally Tubular stew!
The 80’s were littered with Hip-Hop influenced movies with films like Wild Style, Breakin’, Beat Street, and so on and so forth. For what it’s worth, I love this genre, which I will dub Hip-Hopsploitation since many of them were taking something new and popular, and capitalizing on it (which is still very common today). Some of these films are actually pretty solid, namely the ones I mention above, but there are the few that are a little less respectable, but still oh-so-fun. These movies are a window into the past, a window that’s view is filled with crazy bad outfits, hair styles, and people that probably shouldn’t be picking up a mic for any reason at all.
One of those people that probably shouldn’t have spit any lyrics, is the man known as Mario Van Peebles, in the 1985 film, Rappin’! But boy am I glad he did. Rappin’ is the tale of “Rappin’” John Hood (MVP), whom after getting out of jail, comes back home to find a lot has changed since he went away. Some of his old associates have formed a new rival gang, his girl is dating the gangs leader, and some corporate scum bags are trying to take over the neighborhood by getting rid of the tenants so they can build…I don’t know, something. Probably a mall, or nice houses…the usual.
I think you might have an idea where this film is going from this point, as Rappin’ is many clichés of the genre all “rapped” into one Hip-Hop extravaganza. I don’t even know where to begin with this film, but there is a lot to say for many different reasons. First of all, the movie is certainly not on par with some of the best the genre has to offer, but damn, is it a lot of fun. Some of the rappin’ is so bad and many of the people behind these verbal assaults are far from skilled at the art of rhyme. The biggest offender is certainly MVP, with his monotone voice and lack of natural flow, but it’s MVP’s lack of skill that makes the movie all the more entertaining.
The Many Faces of Hip-Hop
There are a few familiar faces that show up in Rappin’, besides MVP, of course. There’s Kadeem Hardison, and soul glow himself, Eric La Salle who make up a portion of John Hood’s crew. Also, Hood’s little brother is played by Leo O’Brien, who was in The Last Dragon, a film that gave us our most recent Monster of the Week. Along with familiar faces, the film’s director, Joel Silberg, is treading some very familiar territory with Rappin’. He also directed the before mentioned, Breakin’ as well as the sultry dance movie, Lambada (Totally should have been called, Lambada-in’). So he clearly has a certain thing he does and it would seem he is the guy to call when making a movie that is meant to exploit the latest fad in Urban culture. Though, he did direct Catch the Heat, so that makes his resume all the more versatile.
Some of the dialogue is beyond classic, with one scene where a record producer asks Hood if he’s ever rapped before, in which Hood respond’s with “No, but I got a record!” Get it?! When it comes to classic dialogue, no one is better than John Hoods arch rival, Duane (Charles Flohe). First off, he has great feathered hair and while he looks perfect to play the part of a rich, white, asshole bully, he is so unconvincing as a street thug. As for some of his choicest lines – “Don’t make me thaw you out, Ice!” When referring to La Salle’s character, who’s name is Ice. Then there’s the moment when Duane grabs Hood’s love interest by the arm kind of harshly, and Hood says “Hey, don’t be so rough on her” or something to that effect. Duane quickly responds with “Hey? Hay is for horses!” Good one, Duane, but I think you forgot about the better for cows part.
While this film is not the best of the best, it is very fun and a major reason for that is what I like to call, “random acts of Hip-Hop” that occur throughout Rappin’. The viewer is never safe from a random outbreak of rhymes and song from the characters – it can happen at anytime, any place, and anything can set it off. And you know what, even though many of the skills on display are lacking and the lyrics are weak, they certainly are very enjoyable scenes and for some reason, brought a shit eating grin to my face. I wish I could go over them all, but that would take forever, and I’m already at 763 words, so I need to tie things up soon.
I do have to mention Rappin’s end credit sequence, where each of the film’s characters, spit a lyric or two as their name goes by. This includes an old Asian dude, an old Jewish dude, a white, middle aged mother AND her daughter, and many, many more. It’s fucking gold. Then, there is the scene when the people of the neighborhood are trying to fight to stay in their homes and not be driven out. When all else fails, “Rappin’” John Hood and his Merry Men show up and use the influence of rap to convince the city council to their side, so they can stay in their hood! Again, fucking gold. And don’t even get me started on Snack Attack.
So, if you are a fan of this type of film, or Hip-Hop culture, or bad outfits and hair styles of the past, Rappin’ is a blast. It’s plot is messy and it tries to be too many things, but it does succeed at delivering some truly entertaining scenes and some funny moments. Plus, a 10 year old me makes an appearance.
Thanks for pointing this one out to me, Emily…you rock the party like no one else!
Hoping many of you didn’t give up drinking for Lent (If you did, I give it a week), and you are still in need of a Hangover movie guide, I am here for you. We are here for each other!
SyFy shows up early (and often) this Sunday with Judge Dredd (1995) at 10:00 AM. I’ve never seenJudge Dredd, and I know I asked if Demolition Man was any good when that showed up on a previous Hangover and the responses were mostly positive. I think Judge Dredd will not get the same response. Though, Diane Lane might make it worth a watch? No? I’m not posting the trailer for this one…when the name Judge Dredd comes up, I do not think of the comic, or the movie, but fucking ANTHRAX!!!!
SyFy keeps it movin’ right into noon with Showdown at Area 51 (2007). This film showed up on a previous Hangover and it looks quite fabulous. I’ll even post the same great clip just in case you are in doubt of just how fabulous this film looks.
At 1:00, TNT infects it’s viewers with the second film in the franchise, Resident Evil: Apocalypse (2004). I actually find the R.E. films to be fun, but Apocalypse is my least favorite of the three (my fav actually being Extinction!). I think what made this movie less than great for me was the Nemesis character - in the game, he was as scary as warts, in the movie, he yelled STARS a lot. Still, even though it’s a weak movie, I see nothing wrong with spending an afternoon with Mila Jovovich.
SyFy reins it back in with Reign of Fire (2002) at 2:00. A lot of people shit on this movie and maybe that is why I didn’t hate it like others seem to – I had low expectations. It’s nothing great, but it’s okay enough, then again, a movie with dragons in it should make you blow some sort of load. Christian “Goood, for yeeeew!” Bale is always solid and it’s so nice to see Matthew McConaughey in a film that is not a shitty romantic comedy.
At 4:00, IFC gets wicked funky, with the awesome Martial Arts film, Iron Monkey (1993). Even though there is another great movie on at 4:00, I would bet you already have seen that one and not Iron Monkey, so I have to give it my pick of the week. Iron Monkey is a fantastic and incredibly fun Martial Arts film, and one of my favorites. There are some serious names involved with this one, namely the film’s director, Yuen woo-ping and my favorite working film Martial Artist, Donnie Yen! This one has it all, great drama, hysterical comedy, and some of the dopest fight scenes ever put to film…Iron Monkey is a must, and IFC will show it due justice I’m sure. I’ll stop now.
Sharing the 4:00 spot with Iron Monkey is, Predator (1987) on SyFy. If you really aren’t into Martial Arts movies, then Predator is not a bad way to spend an afternoon, in fact, it’s one hell of a way to spend an afternoon, a morning, and an evening. There is nothing I can say about Predator that could do it justice…it is a fucking awesome film, period. An action masterpiece with more testosterone than any movie ever made, and I love every second of it. This is a film that gave us a recent Monster of the Week, so that should be all that you need to know.
That is it for this week’s Hangover, which actually turned out pretty damned good with some great films later in the day. And how about that SyFy with it’s solid line-up?! Well played SyFy, well played.
Have I got a “Monster” of a Dance Party planned for all you jive ass turkeys this week! It is a memorable scene taken from an ageless horror comedy and is a big reminder why Mel Brooks was so awesome back in the day. It’s Puttin’ on the Ritz as performed by Dr. Frederick Fronk-en-steen! and his Monster. Enjoy.
Originally written in 1929 by Irving Berlin, Puttin’ on the Ritz is a classic song, but that shouldn’t be too much of a surprise since it’s like, a billion years old. Now, this little song and dance number from the 1974 Mel Brooks classic, Young Frankenstein, is just as classic, without being nearly as old and man, it is still incredibly funny. The legendary Gene Wilder and Peter Boyle knock this performance right out of the park and the chorus is just flat out hysterical, no matter how many times I’ve seen it. I actually revisited this film very recently after not seeing it for many years and I was so surprised at how well it holds up, as well as how enjoyable looking Teri Garr was. Roll in zee hey, indeed.
I, as in me, as in the guy that is typing this right now, is the latest guest on B-Sol’s Conversations in the Dark podcast! You can listen to us talk about horror directors that haven’t stayed relevant and why that is. It was a great conversation and I had a buh-last doing it, so head over to The Vault of Horror and listen to me and my wicked sinus infection! Thanks to B-Sol for having me as a guest and being a big listener of podcasts, it was very cool being involved with one! Hope you hoes dig it!
