Baby Babble: House of Argento

I’ve had this $30 Amazon gift card burning a whole in my pocket since Christmas. Actually, it wasn’t in my pocket and the hole is only there to do a little undercover scratching if need be and the burning is more than likely related to that scratching, but I digress. I have been holding on to it for a few months now and I finally buckled after seeing that James Gracey’s upcoming Argento book, Dario Argento was on pre-order sale for under $14 bucks, which is a fucking steal if you ask me. I have mentioned the book more than once here on this blog, and I’m very excited that it’s finally on the horizon, so I encourage everyone with the love of Argento in their hearts to head over to Amazon and pre-order that shit! On a related side note, there is an awesome interview with the book’s author, James over at Fascination With Fear, so give it a read when you’ve got a moment.

As I said, the book was only like $14 greenbacks, so I had some more money to spend, plus I wanted to save on shipping. Back when it released a few weeks ago, I almost used the gift card to buy The House of the Devil DVD/VHS pack, but resisted mainly because it cost $30 bucks and I didn’t want to blow my whole gift card load in one shot. Still, I have been wanting to see the movie wicked bad, and when I saw it was on sale for the slightly lower price of $25 beans, I buckled. I rarely blind buy, especially for such an amount, but knowing my taste, I should enjoy the film. If not, heads will roll. Hopefully I’ll get the movie soon so I can review it and say I liked it even if I didn’t, just so I don’t look like a chump who’s $25 poorer!

I know my Amazon purchases must be fascinating, but what IS fascinating is the trailer for the upcoming Belgian film, Amer which I bumped into over at Twitch. Maybe I just didn’t notice (which is probably the case), but I haven’t heard much about this movie which is described as a Neo-Giallo film from Helene Cattet and Bruno Forzani. One look at this trailer, and I am filled with anticipation and am looking forward to checking this one out as soon as possible.

It looks funny, but plays fine.

So it all comes full circle…House of the Devil is a throwback to 80’s Satanic films, Amer is a throwback to classic Gialli, and Dario Argento is about a director of Gialli.

Please, Hammer, Don’t hurt ‘Em! A look at Cinema Legend, Fred “The Hammer” Williamson

Born in Gary, Indiana on March 5th 1938, Fred “The Hammer” Williamson has had a career that is more than important to cinema, especially when it comes to cult and midnight movies. Williamson got his start as a successful pro-football player and is a three time defensive pro-bowler who played for the Kansas City Chiefs in Super Bowl I.

He got the nickname, “The Hammer” while during practice, one of his coaches asked him to stop hammering on the other players. Always the ego, Williamson took that term and made it a nickname, using it in a boisterous way when talking smack on and off the field, often saying he will "Put the hammer on" his opponents. He even developed a karate-chop styled offensive move fittingly called, "The Hammer" which he used on other players.

After retiring from the NFL, and with his fall back college degree, Williamson did some architectural work, but being a guy nicknamed “The Hammer,” he decided that it just wasn’t for him. He went into acting and did some television work with small roles in things like the original Star Trek series and played the romantic lead opposite Dianann Carroll on the TV show “Julia.” His first staring film role was in 1970’s M*A*S*H, which jump started his illustrious career in film.   

At an intimidating 6’3 and with black belts in Tae-Kwon-Do, Shotokan Karate, Kenpo, and charisma, Williamson had (and still has) what it takes to be an amazing action film screen presence. With his film work now spanning forty years and counting, Fred Williamson has made a major impact on some of cinema’s most entertaining of genres. His work in Blaxploitation movies makes him probably the most recognizable male star of the genre outside of Richard Roundtree, and Jim Brown.

To add to his midnight cinema cred, Williamson appeared in numerous Italian film productions and between those, and his Blaxploitation movies, he has worked with many cult fan favorites. His work with the great Larry Cohen, resulted in one of my favorites of the genre, 1973’s Black Caesar (along with that films follow up, 1973’s Hell Up in Harlem). Some of the Italian directors of note are Antonio Margheriti with Take a Hard Ride, which also sported an impressive cast that consisted of Jim Brown, Jim Kelly, and Lee Van Cleef! Yowza! Williamson did a handful of Post Apocalyptic movies with Enzo G. Castellari, but the most prominent film the pair worked on is certainly 1978’s The Inglorious Bastards. The Hammer even worked with Lucio Fulci on the less than stellar, The New Gladiators (1984).

All of this is just the tip of the iceberg in a film career that runs deep, a career that he has taken and made all his own, his way. Williamson formed his own production company in 1974 called Po’ Boy Productions, and with what he learned from working with people like Cohen and making films in Italy, he has created nearly forty movies on very meager budgets over the years. Writer, director, producer, actor, stuntman, NFL player, and sex symbol, what can’t this man do? 

What may have set “The Hammer” apart from the rest of the pack, is his ability to self promote and the way he carries himself in such an incredibly cocky and flamboyant fashion. These are the qualities that make him so awesome and he is not afraid to tell you about himself…he is completely upfront and even with such an ego, he carries himself with a genuine kindness. This is a man that has posed in playgirl, was a spokesman for King Cobra (a malt liquor that I used to drink in my high school days...shit got me cocked!), and was even nominated for an Emmy for the television series, Police Story.  Hell, he even stole the show with his bit part as a flashback suffering ‘Nam vet in 1996’s From Dusk Till Dawn, which maybe where most horror fans were first introduced to him. 

Being in the “biz” for as long as he has, Williamson has seen a lot and retained a great amount of memories. Besides being super entertaining, his interviews are always insightful, filled with stories from behind the scenes of the movies he worked on as well as the directors and other actors he worked with. With his trademark cigar, Williamson is one of a kind, and as cocky as he is, he wears it on his sleeve and is really just an honest guy that loves to talk about movies…and himself, of course. He is a true cinema badass and a legend in his spare time.   

 

“'There's only two things that I demand of my scripts, and they're the same things my audiences demand. First, I have to get the girl. And second, I have to win all the fights. We don't need suspense. With those two ingredients, the picture is assured of being a hit.” - Fred “The Hammer” Williamson -

So Low

Solo is the perfect weapon, a machine created to do deeds that any normal human cannot accomplish, Solo is a super soldier…with a heart of gold. And to the U.S military, it’s a big no-no to have the ultimate killing machine being able to make decisions that can jeopardize missions, due to a conscience. Deciding to fix the problem, the military think it best if Solo were shut down for some reprogramming. However, Solo ain’t down with that and being programmed to preserve himself, he jacks a helicopter and fly's away to safety. He is chased down by the military, but after Solo crashes into the side of a mountain, they lose sight of him as he escapes into the vast surrounding jungle.      

How on Earth 1996’s Solo (directed by Norberto Barba) ever received a theatrical release is beyond me. I’m not saying it’s a bad movie, well, it is a bad movie depending on your taste, but it reeks of direct to video, yet it was released in theaters. It speaks to no one that is not a hardcore fan of mindless action movies, anyone else, would scoff at the sheer lack of original story telling involved and the silliness of it all. Solo is a menagerie of the action film’s and tries to deliver multiple messages as well as tries to be too many things at once.

Solo befriends a young kid and that whole storyline would seem to be tailor made to make this PG-13 movie, an action movie for the whole family. That’s not something that really works for adult action film fans as seen with movies like Robocop 3. Even Terminator 2 brought in the kid aspect, which worked great when I was young, but that film hasn’t aged well for me and I have a much lesser appreciation for it in my adult years. I think a lot of it has to do with how the Rambo films became socially acceptable for children maybe. Though, the Rambo movies never catered to kids and always remained rated R film’s with a copious amount of violence and sweat.

With the young kid that Solo meets, comes an entire village who take Solo in after he is found hurt and low on battery. The villagers are plagued, or better yet, enslaved by a militant group of guys that do bad stuff. What kinda bad stuff do they do? I didn’t catch that part, but they have automatic weapons and speak a foreign language, so they must be bad. The villagers see a chance to be liberated by Solo and he is soon thought to be an ancient savior sent to help them through their dark times. Solo teaches the villagers how to fight for themselves and in return, they let him use their generator to recharge his battery.

Are you won over yet?! Maybe the idea of Solo, the leader of the villagers, wearing a burlap vest without a shirt underneath will sell you?! No?! How about the cute young female villager looking to get a “charge” from Solo? Still no? Maybe the military teaming up with the bad news militant group to take out Solo catches your attention? No? Really?! What if I were to tell you Solo was played by MVP? You know, Mario Van Peebles?! Now I gotcha! MVP is one of those guys that is very hard to put a finger on…he comes from the loins of the well respected, DIY creator of Sweet Sweetback's Baadasssss Song, Melvin Van Peebles and has made his own splash in a positive way with New Jack City.

MVP has also made many a splash, right into the toilet with some of his character choices, as well as some of his actual acting. He can be good, but that would not be the case with Solo. He physically can handle the part and Solo was totally something meant to launch a franchise, as well as make MVP an action star. But even playing a robot, he still comes off as wooden, and playing a robot should be pretty easy, one would think.

Like I said, if you are not someone that can get into a mindless action movie, then stay far away, but if you don’t mind a little sacrificing of your brains, then there is some fun to be had with Solo. William Sadler plays the villainous Colonel Frank Madden, whom is in charge of hunting down, and bringing back Solo. Sadler is, as always, fantastically menacing and he hates Solo for no apparent reason and will do whatever it takes to take him out. Maybe there is an undercurrent of racism with the character, like he doesn’t dig the thought of a “brotha” stealing his shine and being the best of the best? Or it’s just plain old jealousy.

So there’s a great villain, but what’s better than a great villain? Well, Solo is guilty of using a major amount of “Solo Vision!”

Yep, that’s Adrien Brody! Oscar winner and co-star of SOLO!

I love any type of “Vision” in a movie…especially animal or robot vision and Solo, has a ton of it!

What makes Solo worth every second comes in the form of a big time SPOILER ALERT!! Not that spoiling Solo would ruin many film lover’s day, but I shall not spoil anything without warning. At the end of the film, when Solo has prevailed and beaten Sadler’s character Frank Madden and all the bad guys, and just when you think it’s all over…Super Solo shows up! Super Solo is the next level of Solo, the even more advanced, advanced machine/bringer of doom, and he is here to take out, Solo! It doesn’t end right there, oh no siree bob, Super Solo is modeled after another soldier, and that soldier just so happens to be Frank Madden strapped with an oversized, badass gun arm to top it all off!

For a movie that is essentially a thoughtless action flick, there sure is a whole lot going on. I didn’t even get into how Solo tries to connect with humans and their emotions either, but he does, thus showing that even though he is a hunk of metal and wires, he is capable of feelings too. Solo is a movie, where an incomplete killing machine is asked what he wants to look like and after seeing an Air Jordan commercial, he says “Like Mike”…need I say more?

The Winter Hangover

Someone should change the word winter to loseter, because my battle with mother nature is not exactly going my way. We (as in, my cat, my girlfriend, and my fettuccini alfredo…yumm) got a shit ton of snow overnight, last night – maybe between 8 and 10 inches? Well, the area surrounding my residence got 8 to 10 inches, but I believe that there is an evil vortex surrounding my home, a vortex that causes every little gust of wind to deliver all of the Earth’s snow to my house. Many of my neighbors have only a few inches in their (pants) driveways and on their sidewalks - here, where I live, there are spots where it’s like 3 feet. Those choice spots would be much of my driveway and 85% of my sidewalks. Awesome. What a way to kill a few hours before going to work on a Saturday night!

So yeah, that bitch ass mother nature can suck it hard and I would love to take my shovel and pull a “Normal Norman”on that menacing beast of a woman. One day mother nature…your ass is mine – weather or not you like it.

In other less than stellar news, as you probably already noticed, there will be no Horror Hangover today. Unless you didn’t notice…in that case, carry on. There wasn’t shit on this afternoon, like nothing at all…I think television is all over or it ran out maybe? Either way, it’s Super Bowl Sunday, so that could be a factor too…you can look forward to some mediocre commercials and maybe a trailer for some awful, big budget, Cleveland steamer of a movie that’s on the horizon!! YAY! (Betcha they show the A-Team trailer…betcha) All I hope, is that Peyton NOTMUCHOFAManning gets his ass clobbered tonight and Tom Brady can come over and piss in his open, unconscious mouth. The Golden Boy, giving a golden shower…how poetic. I’m rambling now…I blame it on hypothermia. Or the rain.

CNAMB Presents: Monster of the Week!

Am I the meanest?

Sho’Nuff!

Am I the prettiest?

Sho’Nuff!

Am I the baddest mo-fo, low-down, around this town?

Sho’Nuff!

Well, who am I?

Sho’Nuff!

Who am I?!

Sho’Nuff!

And who is the Monster of the Week?

Sho’Nuff!!

The Shogun of Harlem!

In the end, Sho ‘Nuff might not be “the master,” per say, but he is the Shogun of Harlem and one of the meanest mofo’s put to screen. Played by the late Julius Carry, Sho ‘Nuff is the antagonist to "Bruce" Leroy Green (played by Taimak) in Berry Gordy's 1985 Blaxploitation/Martial Arts/Comedy/Musical hybrid, The Last Dragon. Meaner than diarrhea, Sho ‘Nuff made it a habit to prove he was the man by picking on the weak and whopping copious amounts of ass on a daily basis. Living the life of a Harlem Shogun isn’t easy, but Sho ‘Nuff did it will style and presence.

One of cinema’s most entertaining villains, with his wild style hair, football pad infused Shogun Samurai outfits, and a voice that would command the attention of James Earl Jones, Sho ‘Nuff is quite the intimidating presence. His Kung Fu skills might have been somewhat lacking, but with an ego as big as Sho ‘Nuff’s…there are very few people that can take him down. Unless they possess the glow, that is.

So, who’s the master?!

Sho ‘Nuff!

Now, kiss my Converse!

Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party!: Mo Drama Fo Yo Mama Edition!

Hey bois and gurls, I have a nice little Dance Party for all you mean faced, hard steppin’, sassy dance fiends out there tonight! Best part, it’s a semi-return to familiar territory, with tonight's jam being brought to us courtesy of A Nightmare on Elm Street film! I say semi-return only because the song featured doesn’t have an official movie related music video, and if any music video doesn’t at least a little something to do with the movie, I would rather find a clip from the movie (which wasn’t happening either), or something fan made…which is the case here tonight. Whatever, clips are awesome, especially when they are clips from Nightmare movies! The song…Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) from Dramarama!

Written by Dramarama lead singer, John Easdale, Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) is one of many classic tracks from Renny Harlin’s entry into Freddy’s world, with 1988’s, A Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master. While I pretty much love, or at least enjoy, many of the songs featured here at Freddy’s Friday Night Dance Party, Anything, Anything (I’ll Give You) is a fucking Awesome, Awesome (For Real) song and one of my favorites ever since I was young enough to smoke. This one is right up there with the more recent Dance Party tune, Pet Sematary from The Ramones, and that says a whole heck of a lot. An amazing song, that still rocks so hard even to this day and one that I will always listen to when I practice my yellow belt Karate while in my bedroom. Face me, Krueger.

Cryptz

I used to love Full Moon films, even though their movie’s weren’t always great, they were fun and the company seemed to have a solid footing in horror back when I was young. One of the things I loved most was they had the special after movie Video Zone segment, where Charles Band would talk about upcoming films, behind the scenes, and general Full Moon news. It was just so cool and this was well before the DVD extras we are so blessed with nowadays. So I have very found memories of the film’s from that time and I have been wanting to try and check a few of them out again someday soon. As well as revisiting old Full Moon films, I have had an urge to look at some of the newer ones like Gingerdead Man and Skull Heads as I have heard they deliver the cheesy goods on an epic level.

This all came together when I decided to give 2002’s Cryptz a viewing. I actually had no clue that it was a Full Moon movie, and while I had no sort of expectations to begin with, when I saw the Full Moon label, I had a good idea what I was in for and I got a little ecstatic, to be honest with you. Seeing that Full Moon logo, I almost knew I would enjoy what I was to see, no matter how bad. I would be blinded by nostalgia. Well, I don’t really know if that was the case with Cryptz, because I think I may have been more blinded by bad taste than anything. Even though this movie is pretty damned terrible, I still found myself entertained by it in all its horrendous glory.

Cryptz follows Tymez Skwair (Choice Skinner), Fuzzy Down (Rick Irvin), and Likrish (Dennis Waller), three aspiring rappers with three of the greatest Hip-Hop names ever created. T-Skwair (short for Tymez Skwair for those of you less than hip) is under pleasure from ma dukes to get a job while he waits seemingly forever for his rap career to take off. T-Skwair heads out to find a job, but not before running into his boys, Fuzzy and Likrish. While walking down the street to go…somewhere, the trio run into a sexy vixen named Stesha (Lunden De'Leon).

I love New York?

With shorts that would make Ronnie jealous and a set of cans more delicious than Chef Boyardee, T-Skwair is no doubt smitten and tries to work a piece on this lovely lady. He asks what her Cryptz shirt is all about and she tells them that Cryptz is where she works and also where she was heading to. Hoping to meet up with Stesha at Cryptz, the guys ask where it is, but she says if they really wanna hang with her, they will have to find it for themselves…and it ain’t in the phone book.

Stesha then proceeds to pinch T-Skwair’s cheek, at which point, time slows and a painful sizzling sound occurs, letting the viewer know, that Stesha has done something sinister to T-Skwair. Not that the Cryptz shirt didn't already tell us that she was trouble.

The trio head back to Fuzzy D’s place and try to figure out where and the hell Cryptz might be, when they decide to call their boy Truck (played by Chyna, but not THAT Chyna).

Truck is into strange things like the occult and meditation, so the crew thinks he may know about this mysterious night club. However, when Tymez Skwair asks him about Cryptz, Truck warns him that the place is dangerous and to stay as far away from it as possible. When Truck learns that T-Skwair came into contact with Stesha (in the form of sizzling cheek pinch), he tells him to have Fuzzy and Likrish tie him down for the night and to call Truck at sundown.

Well, thinking that being tied down by your boys is mad gay, they instead spend their evening watching television, when from out of nowhere, T-Skwair starts freaking out! His cheek begins to burn to the point of pain, the same cheek that Stesha had pinched earlier. Not knowing what to do, they jump in a car and take off, with T-Skwair giving directions, directions that lead down a darkened alley to…CRYPTZ!

As soon as the guys get into the club, T-Skwair’s face stops hurting and they soon realize they are in the hottest strip club with the finest women around! Thinking this will be one hell of a great night, T-Skwair, Fuzzy, and Likrish are psyched, only they don’t know that the club is a front for a coven of Vampires! They’ll figure it out soon enough…

Cryptz has production values and set designs that are lower than my chain hangz, which of course makes it all the more fun. Even many of the cheaper and crappier Full Moon movies from year’s past, had really nice set design, usually because they were shot in Romania and were a little more Gothic in setting. Clearly, that kind of setting wouldn’t work in a film set in an urban area, but still, the Cryptz strip club is fucking hysterical in how cheap looking it is.

Even better than the strip club itself, is when the Vampires reveal themselves and the dungeon style backrooms are used for rituals and such. I really think that Cryptz must have been sponsored by Spencer’s gifts, as every prop looked like something you could buy at Halloween time. My favorite “prop” is this skull chalice used to drink blood from…as soon as I saw it, I knew it was the same chalice that you can buy at any local grocery store, CVS, or Walgreens. You know the one…

For the record, they used the one on the right (though I think the one on the left is much more menacing) and it was so awesome knowing that next Halloween, I will be able to purchase a piece of memorabilia from the film, Cryptz at the drug store.

One thing that Full Moon has always been very good at, is REALLY bad special FX and camera trickery as well as overall technical aspects. I think that Full Moon has really come into its own and mastered the art of terrible camera work and filmmaking techniques with Cryptz and its 1998 home video quality dissolves and Play Station 1 graphic prowess. Every time there is some sort of horror action, the movie goes into slow motion with a mixture of blur effects and multiple color changes…it begins to look like you’re watching Suspiria on fast-forward after being donkey punched by one of the Klitschko brothers. Much like the back of a Spencer’s in a way…hmm…connection?

So yeah, Cryptz is completely awful and 100% incompetent, but a complete blast for how terrible it is. I do have to give a litte credit to the cast that make up Fuzzy, Likrish, and Tymez Skwair though – they are not great, but had very good chemistry together as well as a few funny moments. Surprisingly, I was laughing with them a few tymez instead of at them. While this isn’t exactly what Full Moon delivered back in the day, it’s still nice to know that they can at least bring out the big guns as far as enjoyably bad filmz go.