New Paracinema and Argento Book Update!

Another shitty weekend for movies on TV, so I am forced to skip yet another Horror Hangover...I really hope this doesn't have to happen again for a while. However, now would be a great time to share with you some updates and if you don't wanna hear about them, I will have to force them upon you and in that case, would it be considered update rape?

Our good friend James Gracey's book, Dario Argento has been given what would seem to be a definitive release date of March 25th 2010. James is a great friend of CNAMB and an even greater writer who's knowledge of the Italian maestro's work is more than vast. Here is a link to the previous post I did that will give you links to all the places you can pre-order the book. Also, there is now a facebook fan page for Dario Argento that you can become a fan of, so head over there and show some love and support for one of our own!

In related reading news, the December issue of Paracinema Magazine is available for magical Internet order and purchase at select retailers. Issue 8 has some great articles as always, with a few done by some familiar friends of CNAMB! Here is a list of some of the features to be found in the newest issue:

* War May Be Hell, But a Sequel Is Purgatory: Thematic Combat With Battle Royale II: Requiem by one of my favorite people, Emily Intravia!

* Love, Loss, and Astounding Growth in The Incredible Shrinking Man and Attack of the Fifty-Foot Woman by Jessie Robie

* "Oh Hi, Movie!" The Unironic Aesthetics of "So Bad It’s Good" In Tommy Wiseau's The Room by John Semley

* The Story Behind Jim Wynorski's Munchie Strikes Back OR Paracinema's Parents' Manual for Little Billy's Question: "Why is the TV puppet telling me to vote Democrat?" by Jonathan Plombon

* The Serial Killer's Mind: Comparing and Contrasting the Male Psyches in Henry Portrait of a Serial Killer by Brantley Palmer

* Loss and Hope – The Past and the Future in The Road Warrior by Todd Garbarini

* A Room of One's Own: An Account of A Failed Interview (With Tommy Wiseau) by Miles Lemaire

And there's plenty more great movie analysis waiting for you in this amazing new issue!

So there you go, some great shit for your cinema loving mind to ingest and I hope as many of you as possible can show some support for these great projects and companies. In the end, you are showing support for people like you and I, passionate fans of Cult and Horror cinema that have something to say about it. Support them as you would support any independent film project that is driven by love and passion for the things we all have shown passion and love for...movies and two ply toilet paper of course.

CNAMB Presents: Presents!

What a witty title, eh? Christmas is now officially past us and I wanted to share some of the awesome presents I received this holiday season with all of you. Because I know you are just clamoring to find out what I got, aren't you?! Lady Suzaka and myself kept it tight this year, cause money is not exactly in abundance, but I think I still made out quite well with some cool gifts this Christmas. First off, I got some awesome shit from a secret Santa, but I am not sure if there is secret Santa etiquette or not, so I think I'll keep that to myself just in case...but I will say, Viva Indonesia!

Okay, starting from least to most movie related, the best gift I got this year was a subscription to Game Fly. There was a time when I played a good amount of games, but at that time I could afford them, now they are too damned expensive and I cannot see myself paying $60 for a game. So Game Fly is perfect because now I can play Barbie's Horse Adventure: Wild Horse Rescue for as long as I want, then when I tire of it, I can send it right back for something else! Dope!

If there is one thing I love, it is Superman and with that comes love for Smallville, in which I got season seven on DVD. I had fallen slightly behind on the show and I cannot wait to catch back up again! For my next present, not too long ago I did a review for Pontypool the film and I LOVED it! I also expressed how much I wanted to check out the book and now I can, because I got that too! Whoo-ooot! Wake up bitches, it's Christmas!

Getting to the actual movies that I got this year, there were two and the two I got were two I really wanted. One is a film titled The Great Silence, which I actually watched at the beginning of Death-cember and I even wrote a review for it and everything, but I pushed it back so I could review all the Christmas horror films before the holiday was over with...so look for that soon enough. It is a Spaghetti Western directed by Sergio Corbucci and you can probably guess I liked it if I got it for Christmas.

The last gift I received ties in with CNAMB in a kinda cool way as the very first post I ever did at this horrendous blog was for the infamous "We'll keep an eye out for ya, Stingray - Yeah, see ya!" clip from the Godfrey Ho (or Godfrey Hall) directed Undefeatable staring the uber sick Cynthia Rothrock. I have been dying to see this film since I posted that first blog and I'm pumped to sit down and finally check it out. I also got a $30 gift card to Amazon, which I can very easily turn into at least 4 or 5 movies with my tight shopping skillz.

There you have it, what I got for Christmas...captivating read, right?! Now it's your turn - what did you get for Christmas this year (and if you don't celebrate, you can make something up)? Any good movies or possibly something even better perhaps? I would love to hear!

Freddy's Christmas Dance Party!: I'll Shoot YOUR Eye Out, Bitch. Edition!

There is just something about Christmas morning and the feeling of satisfaction that rolls through your body and out your smiling mouth as you see all the presents under the colorful tree. You know the food is gonna be so good, there is mad candy in your stocking, you got that Genesis you really wanted, and you ain't got no school. It gives you a little extra pep in your step, a certain swagger, and makes you feel all high and mighty. That shit is straight gangsta.



I hope all you chuckle heads have a gangsta Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Don't Open 'Till Christmas

Any film starting with a shake-tastic mid 80's disco dance party, complete with jerky, spastic dance moves straight out of crackville will usually capture my attention - and my heart. Toss in a harpooned through the face Santa and you're looking at straight love 4 life. 1984's Don't Open 'Till Christmas (Till, 'Til, or Til?) has both of these things within the first 5-10 minutes, but my heart I cannot completely give to this Holiday themed Slasher, still it's worth a yearly holiday booty call at least.

With an intricate and complicated plot, Don't Open 'Till Christmas is about a serial killer running amok in the streets of London. His target...Santa Claus! No, not the real Santa Claus, he lives in the North Pole not London, I'm talking about dudes rocking the red and white, complete with white beard and bottle of booze Santa. Scotland Yard is on the hunt to capture this Santa Slasher, but how many faux Santa's will be taken out before the authorities can figure out whom is behind these Claus killings?

With an insanely low IMDB score of 2.4, Don't Open 'Till Christmas is a second, maybe even third rate Slasher, but third rate is more than capable of delivering SOME goods. Some being the key word, thus the capitalization. This is one of those movies that is almost so bad that it's good, but it's not quite good enough to make it a must see, unless you are an avid Slasher fan or someone that enjoys B-Movies. I fall into both of those categories, so whatever that says...

Don't Open 'Till Christmas is technically inept at times with some terrible editing and complete lack of continuity between shots. There is no sense of direction in this film at all and often you have no idea where a scare might come from, because you have no clue where the characters are with the lack of flow from shot to shot. The lighting is weak too, but this is a low end 80's Holiday Slasher, so I won't harp on that too much - I will say that the music is so obtrusive at times, it could give Marlee Matlin a migraine.

The one thing about this film that hurts it the most is when it gets slow. That can hurt any film, but the slower parts of this movie are not just slow, they are completely boring...boring to the point that I ended up dusting my DVDs and some of my books during the downtime. Seriously. Anytime there wasn't the threat of a kill, or a naked lady, I was completely checked out. Then there's the killer, who is almost scary, wearing one of those clear masks without any expression on them. However, the way this Kringle killer "smiles with his eyes," just makes him look sort of like Jim J. Bullock in a see through mask.

Boring and clumsy or not, the film is not an entire loss. There are so many entertainingly bad things that happen in Don't Open 'Till Christmas, that I will have a soft spot for it no matter what. There is a street performed flute solo from one of the main characters. There is a chase scene between a couple of punks and a Santa on a bike, who cannot seem to generate enough peddle power to get away from the on-foot rebels. Then there is the best dialogue ever, when a chick dressed up in a Santa outfit tries to hook up with one of the main males characters, he yells "They'll think we're a couple of gays!" Is that like a couple of dollars, or a couple of cheeseburgers?

Oh, the fun doesn't end there...when trying to find the key to the door between you and freedom, the last person you should be asking is the murderer that captured you and is holding you captive. He probably isn't going to tell you...just a thought. And nothing says perfect Christmas present for a 12-year-old kid than a Swiss Army knife. You just never know when little Bobby might need a tiny pair of nose hair scissors or a wine opener. Unless he has aspiration to be a mall Santa that is, then the opener may be a great gift idea.

Now, the real good stuff comes in the form of the kills. I'm serious too. While there are a fair amount of straight stabs, there are also a ton of very satisfying Santa Slashings. The poor Santa's in this movie - they are just getting blasted, plastered, and splattered left and right with a variety of weapons. Axes to the face, knives in the gut, spiked glove to the dome piece, an eye gouging, the before mentioned harpoon through the grill, there's even a Claus cock cut. So at least there are a lot of fun kills to be had and that is a big saving grace for this movie.

You know what, besides being slayed, flayed, and uhh, made...to be dead, Santa is given one heck of a bad rap in this film. Each one of these dude could give Billy Bob a run for his money as they are portrayed as despicable, pathetic losers and all but one of them is bombed. The one that isn't wasted though, is the one that is looking to fulfill his fantasies and dreams, at a peepshow - cause he's a dirty-bird perv! Shit, there is even some child witnessed Santa sex as one of these poor excuses for magic is caught plowing more than his driveway.

So while it didn't completely steal my heart, Don't Open 'Till Christmas made it flutter a bit with its acceptable amount of nudity, entertaining death scenes, and all around awful badness. Still, there is a lot going against it with there being so many dragged out slow moments and lack of movie making skill. For a fan of the genre and anyone looking for a fun party movie, I can recommend this Santasploitation to keep you warm this season. There are worse, but there certainly are better too. Ya know, like Jack Frost, or any of the Silent Night films. Those are high-class art!

Is There Really Any Other Kind?

CNAMB Presents: Holiday Monster of the Week!

Christmas is just a few days away now and with that joyous occasion comes our final Holiday Monster of the Week. If there is one thing that can ruin your holiday festivities, it's knowing that there is always a threat lurking the snowy streets just outside your door. What's worse is the fact that you may never know exactly when you may run into this menace - it could be at anytime, at anywhere and the end result will never be very good for you.

This week's Holiday Monster of the Week is...

Scut Farkus!

Scut Farkus graced our lives in Bob Clark's 1983 holiday classic, A Christmas Story, which was based off the short stories and anecdotes of author Jean Shepherd. However, the character of Scut Farkus (Played by Zack Ward) was actually written specifically for the film, so the credit for this Monster could go to either Clark himself, or Leigh Brown who also partook in the films writing.

First off, when you spell the name Scott, Scut, you know you are dealing with a serious monster of grotesque proportions. The name Scut alone just sounds awful and seems like it would be a great description for a phlegmy open wound, or a skanky slut perhaps. Everything about him drips bad and just by looking at him, you know his path is not one that you should ever cross. He tucks his super blue jeans into his boots, wears fingerless gloves, he rocks a Davy Crockett cap and out from under that hideous dome piece he'll stare you down with his yellow eyes. He has yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes! I would liken "Scut" to road construction, something that while on your way to and from work or school, can cause quite the inconvenience, except this inconvenience can and probably will result in a bloody nose, or the repeated use of the word uncle.

Christmas Evil

Little Harry was just soooo excited as he sat with his mother and younger brother, Phil, while from in between the railing of their staircase they secretly watched Santa Claus as he slid down the chimney and proceeded with his Santa duties. Harry looked on, eyes as wide as can be, as Santa enjoyed the delicious cookies and milk they had left out for him and then witnessed the jolly one as he unloaded a mass of amazing gifts for Harry and his brother to tear open in the morning. Harry was in heaven. That is...until after Harry was supposed to be in bed, he snuck back down the stairs and much to his amazement, Santa was still there! This time, instead of bringing joy to Harry with gifts of magic, Santa is bringing joy to Harry's mother as he sexually caresses her leg while kneeling down in front of her. Santa?! Harry thought, as he could not believe what he was seeing before him. It's as if all his dreams and hopes had been crushed because mom and dad wanted to fuck while playing a little dress up.

While being considered a Slasher as far as genre goes, 1980 Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out or Terror in Toyland) is one of the few holiday horror films with intense Santa Claus and Christmas imagery that is not really a Slasher at all outside of a few choice moments towards the end. That's a bit of a nice change with the amount of holiday Slashers I've been watching lately - though I do truly enjoy them, I am starting to get a little burnt out by Christmas Slasher films. Christmas Evil works much differently than some off the wall Slasher; instead, it is more along the lines of a physiological horror film with a man who slowly succumbs to madness due to the traumatic childhood discovery of his mom as she's about to get munched on by someone whom he thought was Santa Claus.

Harry (Brandon Maggart) spends the rest of his life, right up until adulthood, being completely obsessed with Santa and the Christmas holiday - to the point, that he even works passionately in a toy factory and surrounds himself with creepy Santa paraphernalia. It all seems innocent, and Harry appears to be a nice, well-meaning guy, but he harbors many issues that stem from his past trauma. Harry has no sense of nerve when it comes to dealing with others, who can smell the wimp on Harry, and they use it to take advantage of him. To his peers, he is a nobody and they know they can push him around as if he just doesn't matter. Harry is not without the smarts to notice how he is perceived by others. In fact, he doesn't like it at all, but he lacks the proper jingle bells to do anything about it. Couple this with a piss poor relationship with his brother, Phil (Jeffrey DeMunn), and a life less than mediocre, and you have a recipe for a psychotic breakdown.

Taking his Santa obsession to creepy levels, Harry sees fit to spy on all of the neighborhood children so he can see for himself who is naughty and who is nice. He even has a book for both categories, and he puts each child's name in their respective categorie along with what deeds makes them good or bad. Besides being incredibly odd, this aspect of Harry can almost be perceived as the actions of a pedophile in a way, but I think Harry only has one thing on his mind though, and that is the joy that Christmas and Santa can bring to the hearts of good children. As Harry's sanity begins to slip further, he starts to think it may be up to him to take on the role of Santa Claus. He fashions a dope Santa suit, complete with a realistic looking beard and a sleigh, which is actually painted on the side of his van which is filled with toys.

Harry takes his list of who is naughty and who is nice and sets about to do what he thinks will make him important to people. It is at this point that Harry transforms from the loser that he was, to THE GREAT SANTA CLAUS! Being Santa makes Harry beloved by all, respected by everyone and it gives him a purpose - it gives him everything he does not have as just himself, a schlepy toy factory worker with no backbone. Now he is the almighty giver of joy! And this demented Santa does bring happiness to many, as he dances around a room full of clapping children and adults, who make toasts to this great man and celebrate him the way he has always hoped. Not everyone is down with Claus, though and when "Harry" is given a hard time while under the guise of Santa Claus, he does not appreciate it. Now, as Santa, Harry has the balls to stand up to his oppressors and he does so, by killing them.

Written and directed by Lewis Jackson, Christmas Evil is an exercise in one man's will to be greater than he actually can be on his own. When Harry is Santa, he is something special, he becomes someone that matters. Or so he thinks. To him, he is doing what he is meant to have done his entire life, but his decision-making is clouded and how he deals with the bad boys and girls is where Harry goes all wrong. Even with his good intentions, he cannot fight off his demons and these demons are what drive him to judge people, and when he judges people, they learn a life-ending lesson.

Christmas Evil is a bit slow paced, but to watch Harry go through his different stages of sanity is quite interesting, if not extremely sad. Part of me wants to feel for Harry, but another part of me wants to say, "Quite being such a pussy, Harry!" because he's the one who is too afraid to step up and be a man...too afraid to step up and take control of his own life and how people perceive him. If you are looking for something a little different this holiday season, Christmas Evil is a very solid mind fuck of a film with a very well acted thought out character contrast from when Harry is Harry and when he dons the red suit and magnificent beard to become Santa Claus.