Freddy's Christmas Dance Party!: I'll Shoot YOUR Eye Out, Bitch. Edition!

There is just something about Christmas morning and the feeling of satisfaction that rolls through your body and out your smiling mouth as you see all the presents under the colorful tree. You know the food is gonna be so good, there is mad candy in your stocking, you got that Genesis you really wanted, and you ain't got no school. It gives you a little extra pep in your step, a certain swagger, and makes you feel all high and mighty. That shit is straight gangsta.



I hope all you chuckle heads have a gangsta Christmas and Happy Holidays!

Don't Open 'Till Christmas

Any film starting with a shake-tastic mid 80's disco dance party, complete with jerky, spastic dance moves straight out of crackville will usually capture my attention - and my heart. Toss in a harpooned through the face Santa and you're looking at straight love 4 life. 1984's Don't Open 'Till Christmas (Till, 'Til, or Til?) has both of these things within the first 5-10 minutes, but my heart I cannot completely give to this Holiday themed Slasher, still it's worth a yearly holiday booty call at least.

With an intricate and complicated plot, Don't Open 'Till Christmas is about a serial killer running amok in the streets of London. His target...Santa Claus! No, not the real Santa Claus, he lives in the North Pole not London, I'm talking about dudes rocking the red and white, complete with white beard and bottle of booze Santa. Scotland Yard is on the hunt to capture this Santa Slasher, but how many faux Santa's will be taken out before the authorities can figure out whom is behind these Claus killings?

With an insanely low IMDB score of 2.4, Don't Open 'Till Christmas is a second, maybe even third rate Slasher, but third rate is more than capable of delivering SOME goods. Some being the key word, thus the capitalization. This is one of those movies that is almost so bad that it's good, but it's not quite good enough to make it a must see, unless you are an avid Slasher fan or someone that enjoys B-Movies. I fall into both of those categories, so whatever that says...

Don't Open 'Till Christmas is technically inept at times with some terrible editing and complete lack of continuity between shots. There is no sense of direction in this film at all and often you have no idea where a scare might come from, because you have no clue where the characters are with the lack of flow from shot to shot. The lighting is weak too, but this is a low end 80's Holiday Slasher, so I won't harp on that too much - I will say that the music is so obtrusive at times, it could give Marlee Matlin a migraine.

The one thing about this film that hurts it the most is when it gets slow. That can hurt any film, but the slower parts of this movie are not just slow, they are completely boring...boring to the point that I ended up dusting my DVDs and some of my books during the downtime. Seriously. Anytime there wasn't the threat of a kill, or a naked lady, I was completely checked out. Then there's the killer, who is almost scary, wearing one of those clear masks without any expression on them. However, the way this Kringle killer "smiles with his eyes," just makes him look sort of like Jim J. Bullock in a see through mask.

Boring and clumsy or not, the film is not an entire loss. There are so many entertainingly bad things that happen in Don't Open 'Till Christmas, that I will have a soft spot for it no matter what. There is a street performed flute solo from one of the main characters. There is a chase scene between a couple of punks and a Santa on a bike, who cannot seem to generate enough peddle power to get away from the on-foot rebels. Then there is the best dialogue ever, when a chick dressed up in a Santa outfit tries to hook up with one of the main males characters, he yells "They'll think we're a couple of gays!" Is that like a couple of dollars, or a couple of cheeseburgers?

Oh, the fun doesn't end there...when trying to find the key to the door between you and freedom, the last person you should be asking is the murderer that captured you and is holding you captive. He probably isn't going to tell you...just a thought. And nothing says perfect Christmas present for a 12-year-old kid than a Swiss Army knife. You just never know when little Bobby might need a tiny pair of nose hair scissors or a wine opener. Unless he has aspiration to be a mall Santa that is, then the opener may be a great gift idea.

Now, the real good stuff comes in the form of the kills. I'm serious too. While there are a fair amount of straight stabs, there are also a ton of very satisfying Santa Slashings. The poor Santa's in this movie - they are just getting blasted, plastered, and splattered left and right with a variety of weapons. Axes to the face, knives in the gut, spiked glove to the dome piece, an eye gouging, the before mentioned harpoon through the grill, there's even a Claus cock cut. So at least there are a lot of fun kills to be had and that is a big saving grace for this movie.

You know what, besides being slayed, flayed, and uhh, made...to be dead, Santa is given one heck of a bad rap in this film. Each one of these dude could give Billy Bob a run for his money as they are portrayed as despicable, pathetic losers and all but one of them is bombed. The one that isn't wasted though, is the one that is looking to fulfill his fantasies and dreams, at a peepshow - cause he's a dirty-bird perv! Shit, there is even some child witnessed Santa sex as one of these poor excuses for magic is caught plowing more than his driveway.

So while it didn't completely steal my heart, Don't Open 'Till Christmas made it flutter a bit with its acceptable amount of nudity, entertaining death scenes, and all around awful badness. Still, there is a lot going against it with there being so many dragged out slow moments and lack of movie making skill. For a fan of the genre and anyone looking for a fun party movie, I can recommend this Santasploitation to keep you warm this season. There are worse, but there certainly are better too. Ya know, like Jack Frost, or any of the Silent Night films. Those are high-class art!

Is There Really Any Other Kind?

CNAMB Presents: Holiday Monster of the Week!

Christmas is just a few days away now and with that joyous occasion comes our final Holiday Monster of the Week. If there is one thing that can ruin your holiday festivities, it's knowing that there is always a threat lurking the snowy streets just outside your door. What's worse is the fact that you may never know exactly when you may run into this menace - it could be at anytime, at anywhere and the end result will never be very good for you.

This week's Holiday Monster of the Week is...

Scut Farkus!

Scut Farkus graced our lives in Bob Clark's 1983 holiday classic, A Christmas Story, which was based off the short stories and anecdotes of author Jean Shepherd. However, the character of Scut Farkus (Played by Zack Ward) was actually written specifically for the film, so the credit for this Monster could go to either Clark himself, or Leigh Brown who also partook in the films writing.

First off, when you spell the name Scott, Scut, you know you are dealing with a serious monster of grotesque proportions. The name Scut alone just sounds awful and seems like it would be a great description for a phlegmy open wound, or a skanky slut perhaps. Everything about him drips bad and just by looking at him, you know his path is not one that you should ever cross. He tucks his super blue jeans into his boots, wears fingerless gloves, he rocks a Davy Crockett cap and out from under that hideous dome piece he'll stare you down with his yellow eyes. He has yellow eyes! So, help me, God! Yellow eyes! I would liken "Scut" to road construction, something that while on your way to and from work or school, can cause quite the inconvenience, except this inconvenience can and probably will result in a bloody nose, or the repeated use of the word uncle.

Christmas Evil

Little Harry was just soooo excited as he sat with his mother and younger brother, Phil, while from in between the railing of their staircase they secretly watched Santa Claus as he slid down the chimney and proceeded with his Santa duties. Harry looked on, eyes as wide as can be, as Santa enjoyed the delicious cookies and milk they had left out for him and then witnessed the jolly one as he unloaded a mass of amazing gifts for Harry and his brother to tear open in the morning. Harry was in heaven. That is...until after Harry was supposed to be in bed, he snuck back down the stairs and much to his amazement, Santa was still there! This time, instead of bringing joy to Harry with gifts of magic, Santa is bringing joy to Harry's mother as he sexually caresses her leg while kneeling down in front of her. Santa?! Harry thought, as he could not believe what he was seeing before him. It's as if all his dreams and hopes had been crushed because mom and dad wanted to fuck while playing a little dress up.

While being considered a Slasher as far as genre goes, 1980 Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out or Terror in Toyland) is one of the few holiday horror films with intense Santa Claus and Christmas imagery that is not really a Slasher at all outside of a few choice moments towards the end. That's a bit of a nice change with the amount of holiday Slashers I've been watching lately - though I do truly enjoy them, I am starting to get a little burnt out by Christmas Slasher films. Christmas Evil works much differently than some off the wall Slasher; instead, it is more along the lines of a physiological horror film with a man who slowly succumbs to madness due to the traumatic childhood discovery of his mom as she's about to get munched on by someone whom he thought was Santa Claus.

Harry (Brandon Maggart) spends the rest of his life, right up until adulthood, being completely obsessed with Santa and the Christmas holiday - to the point, that he even works passionately in a toy factory and surrounds himself with creepy Santa paraphernalia. It all seems innocent, and Harry appears to be a nice, well-meaning guy, but he harbors many issues that stem from his past trauma. Harry has no sense of nerve when it comes to dealing with others, who can smell the wimp on Harry, and they use it to take advantage of him. To his peers, he is a nobody and they know they can push him around as if he just doesn't matter. Harry is not without the smarts to notice how he is perceived by others. In fact, he doesn't like it at all, but he lacks the proper jingle bells to do anything about it. Couple this with a piss poor relationship with his brother, Phil (Jeffrey DeMunn), and a life less than mediocre, and you have a recipe for a psychotic breakdown.

Taking his Santa obsession to creepy levels, Harry sees fit to spy on all of the neighborhood children so he can see for himself who is naughty and who is nice. He even has a book for both categories, and he puts each child's name in their respective categorie along with what deeds makes them good or bad. Besides being incredibly odd, this aspect of Harry can almost be perceived as the actions of a pedophile in a way, but I think Harry only has one thing on his mind though, and that is the joy that Christmas and Santa can bring to the hearts of good children. As Harry's sanity begins to slip further, he starts to think it may be up to him to take on the role of Santa Claus. He fashions a dope Santa suit, complete with a realistic looking beard and a sleigh, which is actually painted on the side of his van which is filled with toys.

Harry takes his list of who is naughty and who is nice and sets about to do what he thinks will make him important to people. It is at this point that Harry transforms from the loser that he was, to THE GREAT SANTA CLAUS! Being Santa makes Harry beloved by all, respected by everyone and it gives him a purpose - it gives him everything he does not have as just himself, a schlepy toy factory worker with no backbone. Now he is the almighty giver of joy! And this demented Santa does bring happiness to many, as he dances around a room full of clapping children and adults, who make toasts to this great man and celebrate him the way he has always hoped. Not everyone is down with Claus, though and when "Harry" is given a hard time while under the guise of Santa Claus, he does not appreciate it. Now, as Santa, Harry has the balls to stand up to his oppressors and he does so, by killing them.

Written and directed by Lewis Jackson, Christmas Evil is an exercise in one man's will to be greater than he actually can be on his own. When Harry is Santa, he is something special, he becomes someone that matters. Or so he thinks. To him, he is doing what he is meant to have done his entire life, but his decision-making is clouded and how he deals with the bad boys and girls is where Harry goes all wrong. Even with his good intentions, he cannot fight off his demons and these demons are what drive him to judge people, and when he judges people, they learn a life-ending lesson.

Christmas Evil is a bit slow paced, but to watch Harry go through his different stages of sanity is quite interesting, if not extremely sad. Part of me wants to feel for Harry, but another part of me wants to say, "Quite being such a pussy, Harry!" because he's the one who is too afraid to step up and be a man...too afraid to step up and take control of his own life and how people perceive him. If you are looking for something a little different this holiday season, Christmas Evil is a very solid mind fuck of a film with a very well acted thought out character contrast from when Harry is Harry and when he dons the red suit and magnificent beard to become Santa Claus.

The Holiday Horror Hangover

Missing last weeks Hangover due to technical difficulties, or better yet, nothing good on cable TV, was a shame, but this week is only slightly better to be completely honest. Thanks once again to SyFy for making this Sunday somewhat salvageable with a few decent (well, maybe decent is being kind) things to check out on the boob tube. Drinking is at an all time high with the stress of the holidays all up in our faces, so I feel it very important to provide some cinema de poop for you all to enjoy this Sunday afternoon.

SyFy brings da funk at 9:00 AM with Never Cry Werewolf (2008). Yeah, I know, 9:00 AM is a lot early for a Hangover movie and I usually never start earlier than 10:00, but them's the breaks kid. Anyways, this is clearly a Werewolf movie if you didn't notice and I personally love werewolf movies, especially when they star Kevin fucking Sorbo. You know, HERCULES, or, God amongst men. If the movie seems familiar from the trailer, then you would be correct in thinking so, because it's pretty much Fright Night minus the Vampires. That's okay; it looks like a fun pile of Werewolf pooh either way.



At 10:00 AM, a film called Johnny Gaddaar (2007) is on IFC. I just kinda stumbled upon this one and it sounded interesting and looks to be that way at least. Johnny Gaddaar is described as an Indian crime-thriller noir-film thingy, which sounds cool enough. The trailer is more than promising, though it looks a little like a Guy Ritchie film, but I like Guy Ritchie films, so there you go.



The Werewolves keep-a-comin' (gross) at 11:00 AM with Cursed (2005) on SyFy channel. This came up on a previous Hangover, so no need to get into it again, but in case it's your cup of tea, I thought I'd provide it.

Pulling into 1:00 PM, Wrong Turn 2: Dead End (2007) is on (thank baby jesus for) SyFy. I have actually never seen this installment outside of bits and pieces, but I loved the first film and have heard great things about this sequel, which also seems to garner a mention from most fans that Rollins is in it. With that said, this shall be my official pick of the week, for this weak week!



At 2:00 PM, plan on taking some time to Meet the Santas (2005) over at Hallmark. This is the long awaited sequel to the smash hit Single Santa Seeks Mrs. Claus and stars Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol's Steve Guttenberg and that "I don't know if she's hawt or not" chick from Wings. Looks tight, son.



Already running out of gas at 3:00 PM with Joy Ride 2: Dead Ahead (2008) on SyFy. I didn't even know that there was a sequel to Joy Ride, but I surprisingly enjoyed the first film quite a bit. I am not so sure about this one though...just the trucker's voice alone is enough to send me back to Hallmark for some more Fa la-la-la Lifetime, or wait, that's Lifetime...whatever.



That just about does it...I know there wasn't much, but at least there was enough shit on TV worth telling you about today. Hope you have a very special and merry Hangover this wonderful Sunday afternoon.

Blinded by My Love for Paracinema!

Yay! It's time for a brand spankin' new review! While I am balls deep in winter set films and Christmas themed horror over here at CNAMB, I am balls deep in Pink over at Paracinema...The Blog! When I say Pink, I of course mean Pink Eiga! So the balls deep reference is more than fitting. The review of choice for this week is for a film titled Blind Love and comes to us from Daisuke Goto, a sort of well respected director in many ways, whether or not he makes many a soft-core porn film. Most notably would be a film I covered not too long ago called A Lonely Cow Weeps at Dawn.

Don't be turned off by the subject matter, or the nakedness of it all either - Goto is a wonderful filmmaker and one who deserves a little attention beyond looking at what type of films he does, instead, look at the actual films he makes. No doubt, these films are not for everyone, even as far as genre's go, but to use sleaze and sex in parallel with a tender and heartfelt story is strangely appealing. I'm not even a big fan of love stories or sleazy erotic cinema, for that matter, but mixed together makes for an interesting combination. Hope you all check out the review and to give you an idea of what Blind Love is all about, here is a NSFW trailer!



Now head over to Paracinema to read my review of Blind Love!