Throw Your Motherly Hands in the Air!

Happy Mother’s Day, from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

Zaat (1971): Underwater Love

Directed by Don Barton, Zaat (1971) is probably best known to genre fans by its alternative title, The Blood Waters of Dr. Z, which was the name used when the film played to the heckling crew of the Satellite of Love for an episode of the much beloved TV series, Mystery Science Theater 3000. I've never been fortunate enough to see the episode for myself, so I was going into the film completely fresh. However, knowing that it made an appearance on MST3K gave me a good clue as to what I was in for. Well, that and the fact that Zaat has also been granted the extremely low score of 1.7 on IMDB, something that, in all honesty, tickles my fanny in the most joyous of ways.

Zaat's story follows the exploits of an ex-Nazi mad scientist, Dr. Kurt Leopold (Marshall Grauer), who has spent much of his career trying to create a catfish/human hybrid, and he has finally resorted to using himself as a human guinea pig. The goal: to create a catfish with the size and intelligence of a man and a man with the predatory prowess of… a catfish. All wrapped up in one, badass human/catfish package. Though, maybe using the word catfish is a tad deceiving, as apparently the ex-Nazi mad scientist dude's plan worked, in theory, but for some reason he has not taken on the physical appearance of a catfish. Something that he explains at some point during his 20 minute long summary of his plan… to himself, which we can thankfully hear because without such exposition we would have no clue as to what is going on in the film.

"Time for my eardrops"

Regardless, the lack of catfish resemblance does not affect Dr. Leopold's strength or intelligence in any way, but I can imagine the disappointment on his non-catfish-face when he came to the realization that the Charles Bronson look was completely out the window. Thankfully, this does not impair the directive of this ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish, as the show must go on, and he must remain focused on his efforts in finding himself a dime piece to turn into his very own catfish that doesn't look like a catfish wife. Or something to that effect.

Along the way to find himself a bride, many people feel the clawing wrath of Dr. Leopold. He unleashes vengeance on all those who have ever wronged him in the past and anyone who dares to stand in his path in the present. As victims pileup due to Leopold's vicious claw thing that has the ability to dismantle a human being with what appears to be no more than a paper cut, the authorities take notice. Though, I guess they took notice when there were multiple reports of a human sized walking fish, but they sort of brushed it off not knowing that they were actually dealing with an ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish. That's a completely different level of trouble right there, folks, especially in a small Florida town with a high hot blond ratio.

I'll be ready, forever and always, I'm always here!

Moving along, although Dr. Leopold is making mincemeat out of many of the area residents, he has a much deeper level to him than being a simple "murderer." Let's remember, even though it isn't at all mentioned in the 20 minutes of expository projected thoughts that Dr. Leopold shares with the audience earlier in the film, he is on the hunt for a woman to call his own. He's looking for love, but I wouldn't say in all the wrong places, as there are plenty of girls that are fly like Brundle in this small town, but he is certainly going about things the wrong way. Kidnapping and attempting to turn your date into a walking catfish is not the smoothest of moves when trying to make a love connection. Trust me.

Still, as much as Dr. Leopold stumbles in his adventures of the heart, he does mean well, and this is all the more prevalent from his skills as an artist. Leopold spends some of his downtime drawing heartfelt portraits of the women he is trying to swoon, showing that, in all reality, he's just a misunderstood artist trying to obtain what many of us would want to achieve. Dr. Leopold is more than just a monster; he's an artist. He's an artistic, ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking-catfish that doesn't look like a catfish that only wants to find somebody to love, something that all artistic, ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking-catfish that don't look like catfish are truly looking for, deep-down. Something that we are all truly looking for, deep down.

Dr. Kurt Leopold: Proving that Science and Crayola art can go hand-in-hand

We can judge Dr. Leopold for being an ex-Nazi. We can judge Dr. Leopold for being a mad scientist. We can even judge Dr. Leopold for being a walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish. But what we cannot do is judge Dr. Leopold for wanting to love.

*Awkward transition into final paragraph where I go on to recommend the film*

All jokes aside (as in this entire review), if you are truly a fan of super corny B-Movies, I fully endorse grabbing up a copy of Zaat on BD. It looks great, considering the film's budget, age and a little DNR. More so, it's incredibly rare that a true B-Movie is given such respectful treatment on home video, something that all films like Zaat should receive, in my opinion. Not only that, but the movie is fun as hell (I only barely touched the surface here… ), and will play perfectly to a drunken crowd of nerds or to someone like me, an ex-Nazi, mad scientist walking catfish that doesn't look like a catfish who loves the pants off of bad movies.

Dump5ter Diving for Gold: Redemption

And like Motownphilly, I am indeed back again with another kuh-razy edition of Dumpster Diving for Gold! Okay, maybe it's not so much crazy as it's really just a normal edition, but I figured if I punched up this little dialogue by calling it kuh-razy, you might want to check it out in the hopes that you would indeed see something crazy. In fact, the only thing crazy in this new DD4G is the fact that I actually made a video with my hair looking the way it does. Now that shit IS kuh-razy!

I'm hoping I can get a little more consistent with making these videos in the future… I have a ton of (awesome!) VHS tapes to share with you all as well as some more inexpensive DVDs, so I will be making an effort to make videos a little more often than I have been. Anyway, here are some totes awesome DVDs I picked up on the cheap recently. Check it, shun!

Answer Me, You Maggot!: Nightmare - The VHS Board Game

I recently stumbled on this video for the Australian VHS board game, Nightmare, which came on the scene in 1991 and apparently took Australia by storm. The result of Nightmare's popularity can be seen in the video below, which includes a promotional video, a few commercials and a handful of other promotional material, all of which is nothing short of completely magnificent.

And when I say magnificent, I mean, there are some serious dance parties involved here, and all I can wonder after watching this video is where the hell was I when this was all going on? Like, I would have totally killed that dance floor back in '91, straight moving my hips for the love of horror and VHS! But alas, my mad moves and infectious grooves were kept at bay here in the states, only to dream of that one day when they could be unleashed in front of The Gatekeeper!

Check out this video… it's seriously awesome. 

Sympathy for Paracinema!

Good lord it's been forever since I last posted anything up in this piece, and for that, I apologize. Though, I suppose you'll get over it over time, because as we all know, time heals all wounds as well as all gaps between blog posts, too.

Anyway, I don't want to get into too much detail for my lapse in posting at this exact moment in time, because I am only really dropping in to do a little plugging. And no, I don't mean that in a sexual way. Yet. Instead, I am here to share with you the gift that is the latest issue of Paracinema Magazine!

Paracinema issue #15 has been dubbed The Revenge Issue, with fantastic articles such as:  

When Life Gives You Razor Blades: Bloody Vengeance in Hobo with a Shotgun
by Christine Makepeace (I know her!) 

Revenge is a Dish Best Served Raw and Wriggling: Park Chan-Wook’s Vengeance Trilogy
by Samm Deighan

Going Back Home: Post-Vietnam Masculinity in Rolling Thunder
by Adam Blomquist

Point Blank: Nobody Knows
by Melvin Cartagena

You Want It, You Got It: The Grim and Gritty Extremes of Punisher: War Zone
by Patrick Smith

Chainsawing Well is the Best Revenge: Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2‘s Texas Sized Vengeance
by Zachary Kelley (I know him, too!)

And there's plenty more where that came from, home boyeee!

And there you have it… it appears as if issue #15 of Paracinema promises to dish out the revenge as cold as can be, and with a line-up of articles covering the Vengeance Trilogy, Rolling Thunder and Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, well, consider me sold, brah.

You can grab a copy of Paracinema #15 on the Paracinema.net website (click here!) for a measly $7! That's a crazy good price for a magazine that has, like, hardly any ads and is filled with great content! Alternatively, you can pick up Paracinema Magazine at many a fine retailer. Not sure if there's one near you, well, here's a retailer list (click here!)! I got you covered, homie!

Salute Your Shorts: Creak

Written and directed by Luther Bhogal-jones, Creak is the first film to come from Sincerely, Psychopath productions' new Disposable Screams banner, which will be focusing on a series of short horror films. Assuming you've already watched the short before reading this, you more than likely have already figured out Creak is an extremely short film that comes in at just about five minutes - minus the credits.

There isn't much here to break down, as Creak is fairly straightforward in its narrative. As someone who watches a fair share of shorts, both jean and horror, I really appreciate when a short film can dish out some food for thought in a less than ample amount of time. Alternatively, I also enjoy a short that can simply tell a quick, stripped-down tale of terror, and that is what Creak does. Creak doesn't necessarily bring anything to the table that hasn't been seen or done before, nor is it something filled with any sort of actual depth, but what it does do is provide some impressive lighting and editing techniques.

There is definitely a level of professional skill shown with Creak, and I think it's safe to say I'll be keeping tabs on what ever shorts come out of Sincerely, Psychopath's camp, both jean and horror. This would especially be the case with their upcoming short, Knock Knock, which Bhogal-jones describes as "a Bava/Argento inspired affair."

Check out Sincerely, Psychopath's Facebook page to keep track and learn more about future projects. 

Leprechaun 3 (1995): A Full House… of Horror!

Well before he ever Crip Walked his green little ass into da 'hood, or took one giant leap for Irish-kind by going up into space, the Leprechaun found himself spreading his particular brand of mayhem in the city of sin, Las Vegas, in 1995's Leprechaun 3: No Hysterical Subtitle to Speak of, Unfortunately.

Directed by Aussie genre-film icon Brian Trenchard-Smith, Leprechaun 3 takes the tiny titular terror, frozen in stone, and places him in a Vegas pawnshop. It isn't long before the pawnshop's owner removes a protective medallion from around the Leprechaun's neck, freeing him from his stone encasement and allowing him yet another chance to wreak havoc on all those who dare touch his precious gold.

"The concentration it takes to look into your eyes right now is incredible"

A great deal of Leprechaun 3's first half is spent with the Leprechaun trying to retrieve a gold shilling the pawn shop owner got his greedy little hands on, but the only thing keeping him from doing so is the power of the magic medallion. However, while the storeowner is protected by the medallion for the time being, I think anyone who knows well enough is aware that our friendly little Leprechaun is one tenacious bastard when it comes to his cherished gold, even when the cards are stacked against him.

Meanwhile, on the other side of the Vegas strip, a super sexy magician's assistant named Tammy (Lee Armstrong) runs into some car trouble on her way to work. Luckily for her, an out-of-towner named Scott (John Gatins) comes to her rescue and offers to give Tammy a lift. There is instant chemistry between the two characters, and going against her gut, Tammy allows the under 21 Scott to sneak into the casino, so long as he promises not to do anything stupid like gambling. However, it isn't long before the charmingly naïve Scott cashes in his $23 thousand dollar college tuition, only to lose all of his money to some rigged casino games.

Always bet on black… lipped Leprechauns

Desperate, broke and seeing his future go down the toilet, Scott figures his only solution is to trade in his valuable wristwatch for some cash so he can try to make that big LL come back. And can you guess what happens next? That right, Scott makes his way to a pawnshop so he can pawn off the watch, and it just so happens to be the same pawnshop where the Leprechaun is! What ARE the chances? Well fairly good, I suppose. In any event, Scott avoids a vicious tussle with the Leprechaun after he grabs one of the gold coins and wishes he were back at the casino and on a winning streak. Naturally, Scott's streak of luck cannot last forever, as the Leprechaun is hot on his tail now and forever. And so long as he or anyone else posses the treasured gold, tales of death, murder and destruction will continue to be told.  

Now, when most people think of great gambling movies, generally films such as Casino Royale, Rounders, The Gambler, and Lock, Stock & Two Smoking Barrels are the types of films that would normally come to mind. Of course, while I enjoy all of those films, and many others that fall into the sub-genre, there is no other that can entertain quite like Leprechaun 3: The Wrath of Chaun. Okay, I made up that "Wrath of Chaun" business to punch up the film's title a little; you know, to make it worthy of the film itself. Sorry for being a liar.  

"You mind putting this coin in your slot for safe keeping?"

Anyway, outside of the mildly mediocre leads (though Scott's insanely oversized cargo-vest is a magnificent character in and of itself), the cast is actually quite good, with stand out comedic performances from John DeMita as Fazio, an inept magician, and Caroline "Stretch" Williams as Loretta, a past her prime, greedy casino employee. But while there is a copious amount of hilarity found from those two bumbling characters, as well as a few others, it's the humor that comes from the film's main attraction, the Leprechaun, that really delivers the laughs in spades. As he has done throughout much of the series, the great Warwick Davis deals out numerous memorable moments as the Leprechaun. For example, seeing Lep interact with an Elvis impersonator is incredible on its own, but seeing him do a fucking full-on Elvis imitation, complete with swinging hips and all, is one of the greatest things I have ever seen.

Leprechaun 3 is the type of movie that does exactly what it sets out to do, and that is deliver a few laughs, a few kills and some pure, unadulterated amusement. From Lep's ability to spit the sickest rhymes on the block, to the inventive, Vegas inspired death scenes, you know that Brian Trenchard-Smith and co. went all in when making this straight-to-video sequel, and as a result, Leprechaun 3 truly hits the B-Movie jackpot.