As I mentioned in my "Halloween is on the way, and I have a wicked boner because of it" post from the first of the month, I referred to a secret Halloween related something or other that I've been working on. Knowing that you have eyes and you can probably already see the photos down below, you more than likely have a good idea about what I've been up to, but elaborate on the details I shall.
In late August of last year, my wife was given a homegrown gourd by one of her work friends who knew of my obsession with all things Halloween and Fall. I wish I had a picture of it to share with you guys, but unfortunately, I don't. Either way, the gourd was very pumpkin like in shape and color, which I loved, and on my fireplace mantle it sat. And sat. And sat, all the way until sometime in April. Now, my knowledge of gourds is minimal at best, but I was flabbergasted by how long the thing stayed before showing even the slightest signs of rot. To me, that was a sign that this gourd was something special.
In any event, the same friend that had given my friend with benefits the gourd had told her that we could simply toss a gourd in our yard somewhere, and chances are it would grow into magic. Well, being the Fall fiend that I am, I did just that back in April, and there it sat, in perfect shape, for almost two months. I would check on it occasionally to see it still there, straight chillin', fully intact. Then suddenly, from out of nowhere, it was gone! Vanished into thin air, except there was something left behind. A little teeny tiny plant that was clearly not a weed. Within a few weeks the little plant became what I thought was a big plant, which is what you can see here in this first picture that I took on June 28th.
You can see smaller gourd plants all around it!
How fucking cute, right?! Anyway, I have done no more than water it almost everyday, and every time my wife or I looked at the thing, we would be shocked at the rate in which it's growing. In fact, it went from what I thought was a big plant into something that is almost uncontainable, as seen in the next picture, which was taken on August 1st.
THAT'S ONE MONTH!!
Remember, this was a gourd that lasted for an inordinate amount of time (I think) on my mantle, so this rapid rate of growth only points to the fact that the gourd was indeed a mutant. Not only that, but the mutant gourd shall produce other mutant gourds, making me Charles Fucking Xavier. You can't see them in this picture, but there are numerous yellow/orange flowers all over as well as a ton of twisting tendrils ready to produce some serious gourd action (or play The Ruins with my skin). And then there are the stems that are so long and thick, John Holmes would be jealous.
In any event, with a creation such as this, there has to be a name. While names such as Eddy Gourdo, Commissioner Gourdon and Gourdon Ramsay floated through my head, I quickly realized there is only one name that can capture the intense mass and burliness of such a plant, and that name is BOLO! Aptly named after Asian martial arts actor, and buffest mofo around, Bolo Yeung.
He already kind of looks like a pumpkin, no?
So there you have it, an introduction to Bolo. If things go as planned and Bolo continues to dominate my backyard, I will continue to give you all updates with photos showing his progress. I have high hopes this all will result in a post where I can share with you whatever greatness comes from this freak of nature.
On a related note, Johnny over at Freddy in Space has (beaten me to!) been sharing in the maturation of his very own home grown pumpkin patch, which he has fittingly dubbed "The Evil Pumpkin Patch," as some of the dirt from the set of The Evil Dead was used to plant it. Head over there and check out his progress if you are fiending for more decorative Halloween madness.
Directed by Tim Fehlbaum, Hell is a German post-apocalyptic film set in a time when that pesky ozone layer finally decided to find a better job, leaving the world to be pounded by intense heat on a constant basis. Now, I won't hold it against this film that Roland Emmerich (director of movies so terrible that even Uwe Boll can't help but feel cheated by his success) is the film's producer, as that means very little as far as direction goes, I hope. But I will say that the film certainly suffers from a strong case of the unoriginals.
Hell follows a group of survivors who are traveling in a sun protected car (?) as they make their way to a promised land where water is said to be abundant. Naturally, the survivors will find themselves facing off against a group of undesirables that probably want to eat their skin. They also pick up a helpful mechanic, but they aren't really sure if they can fully trust him or not. So, yeah, that's about as standard as it gets, folks. That is a post-apocalypse 101 from top to bottom. Regardless of an Emmerich presence and the been there done that plot, I think the film looks pretty fantastic. Take a look at the non-English trailer below to see if you feel otherwise.
The nest trailer for the evening comes in the form Juan Carlos Fresnadillo's Intruders. Intruders appears to tell the story of a father and his two children who are plagued by visions of a monster, or at least that's what I take from the trailer as actual details for the film are somewhat scarce. What I do know is Intruders stars one Mr. Clive Owen, a man that I will always champion due to my incredible love for Children of Men. In addition, Intruders looks like it could be somewhat creepy despite appearing to be yet another film that is not all too original. Either way, director Juan Carlos Fresnadillo has a great track record in his short career, and I have faith that he can deliver another solid horror film following his fantastic sequel, 28 Weeks Later.
The preview for Álex de la Iglesia'sThe Last Circus is one that simply has to be seen to be believed. I don't think that I can even come close to crafting a tight and precise synopsis, as this thing is simply all over the place in a way that is difficult to take in all at once. This trailer is pure madness, and I'm really not sure what to make of it outside of the fact that I know that I cannot wait to see the film. Get ready for lots of very scary looking clowns with lots of real badass weapons.
After the Quintanilla family are found murdered in their country vacation home, the only evidence as to what may have happened are found in video footage that has been conveniently compiled into a film for us to watch. You know, in case we can help crack the case. Directed by Fernando Barreda Luna, Atrocious is yet another entry into the handheld horror genre, and being a Spanish made film, yet another of this ever growing genre coming from a foreign territory.
Now, at what point does the handheld genre jump the shark and become incredibly tiresome for everyone (well, for me at least)? Despite my kneejerk reaction of enough is enough whenever I see that another found footage film is on the way, I quickly remember that I love this genre and have rarely been let down by the bigger films that have come from it. Still, I get that feeling that the good outweighing the not so good cannot last forever, but until that time comes, I'll be looking forward to most of what the genre has to offer, and that includes Atrocious.
Following a plot that seems moderately similar to that of the Academy award-winning film, The Fighter, Chris Sivertson's Brawler follows a pair of brothers who both partake in illegal, New Orleans riverboat fights. The two have many issues to deal with between their underground fights, personal vices, the mob boss they work for, and, most importantly, themselves. Despite the film's surficial lack of originality (which isn't the biggest deal in a film such as this), I'm always down for a movie where people get their asses kicked, especially when it's wrapped around with some good brotherly drama. The trailer shows a lot of promise, and if the fights are nicely photographed and fittingly brutal and the acting good, then Brawler could certainly be a contender.
That's it. As always, thanks for making CNAMB a part of your day, and I hope you found a few trailers here that have given you that loving feeling that you had previously thought you'd lost.
It's that time of year again, kiddies, the time of year where suddenly the mind is taken over, becoming solely focused on one thing and one thing only: Halloween! As the calendar would lead you to believe, it is indeed the 1st of August, and despite the fact that Halloween has already been on the mind the last few weeks, now is the time where everything officially begins to come together. Soon enough shopping centers and other such places of consumption (as well as CNAMB) will become adorned with spooky sounds, creepy crawlers and all sorts of maddening awesomeness, and I cannot wait to take it all in!
So far there have only been a few stray sightings of the good ol' black and orange, starting a few weeks back when I went into a Hobby Lobby to find that it already had a fully decked out Fall decoration section, which consisted of at least two stacked isles of what I referred to on Twitter as: "Halloween pre-cum." Unfortunately, I haven't had a sighting since, but that all changed yesterday when my martial arts instructor and I walked into a Kirkland's - which, for the record, always brings the Halloween pain every year – when I was confronted by this:
Full-frontal Halloween goodness all up in ma face! This was totally unexpected, but from the moment that it stopped me in my tracks, causing a smile to slowly creep up on my grill, I knew that it is indeed on like Donkey Kong.
So my anticipation is at an all time high, and of course, one of the most exciting things for me is the fact that August 1st means that start the third annual Halloween extravaganza known as CHUCKTOBER!!! is only TWO months away! I don't want to get into Chucktober too much just yet, but I certainly will be preparing for what promises to be the best Chucktober ever. Word is born.
And last but not least, I do have a very special Halloween related something or other that I've been working on for the past month and will be sharing with you in the next day or so. It's nothing too crazy, but it is very cool and too much to get into within this post, so wait it will have to. Until then, enjoy some Halloween Hip-Hop via my homeboys, NEtotal. If this doesn't get you pumped up for Halloween, then nothing will!
As I sat here reading an old review (that shall remain unnamed), twitching and nearly vomiting at how awful my grammar and sentence structure used to be, I suddenly came to the realization that my birthday should be just around the bend. Not MY birthday, mind you, but the birth of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, the site that will end the deficit disputes, fix global warming and uncover the mystery of whether or not Jamie Lee Curtis is a bro. Naturally, I immediately checked, only to realize that it was indeed my birthday. Yesterday. Yep, late to my own birthday.
In any event, it was two years ago yesterday, July 30th, 2009 that I posted something that was really meant as nothing more than to simply get any sort of post up so I could get this sumbitch started. Thus, the birth of Chuck Norris Ate My Baby, and the start of a revolution that would change the way people think. Or not. At least one of those things is true.
If I had foreseen this incredible event before it had already passed by, I might have written some sappy fucking thing where I got all introspective and shit, so it's probably good that I forgot. In any event, I MUST say thank you to each and every person that has wasted their time reading anything that I have ever written. I am honored to have any sort of readership, and I hope I am able to generate some sort of emotion out of you all as a payment for spending time with me, my opinions, my bad jokes, and my obsession with writing about the things I love. I also want to thank anyone that has supported CNAMB in any way, shape or form, and that includes people that have supported me and my wife in ways that they already know about. You know who you are, so this song is dedicated to you and you and you! Oh yeah, and you too, I guess.
All right, there is no way that I, being of sane mind and body, can jump right into a review for Exit 33 without first addressing that DVD cover art. While some may write off such a fine piece of computer created majesty as being cheap and utterly terrible, I personally find it to be infinitely incredible in every way, shape and form. Like, there is nothing that calls to me more than THAT fucking cover art. NOTHING! And look at Kane, all standing there to the side, pipe in hand, daring people to take Exit 33. I think every DVD release and theatrical poster should just have Kane on the side, handlebars all tearing it up, no matter what the film may be. I mean, there'd be a greater chance of me ever seeing a movie staring Ashton Kutcher if I saw "The Hod" straight chillin' in the cut on the side of the poster, just intimidating unsuspecting moviegoers left and right.
Directed by B-Movie auteur, Tommy Brunswick, Exit 33 is, as that cover art would suggest, a low-budget Slasher film staring 'horror legend' Kane Hodder. Instead of focusing solely on the young characters getting stalked and slashed, Exit 33 is mainly told through the eyes of Ike (Hodder), a psychotic gas station owner who gives choice costumers water instead of gasoline, thus causing them to break down and giving Ike the opportunity to bash their heads in with a pipe. Now, Ike is clearly a madman, but as the film's tagline would explain, he does have his reasons for being this way. Without spoiling anything, I'll just say that Ike is haunted by a mysterious one-eyed female spirit. This spirit, along with Ike's carefree son, seems to be the inspiration for who Ike chooses as his victims, all of whom consist of attractive females, naturally.
Luckily for Ike, a group of mostly good looking ladies (and a few dudes. I know, gross) are driving separately to their five-year high school reunion, and the quickest way there is to take EXIT 33! Off Exit 33 lies Ike's Last Chance Gas, which, as one could most probably guess, is a gas station owned by Ike. Ike's Last Chance Gas is best known for Ike's totally human free dear jerky, but it's also known as the perfect place to go if you want to spend some time in Ike's slaughter house getting one of your eyeballs plucked out. And really, what gal doesn't want both of those things?
Exit 33 is a very cheap, direct to DVD Slasher film, and while it's completely cheesy and not at all original, the film is surprisingly much better than one would expect. Now, don't get me wrong, Exit 33 is not a good film, but it is actually decently made considering its budget and the type of movie that it is. It's rough around the edges and there are some crude moments technically, but I expected much worse going into this thing. Also, despite some pretty bad dialogue, the performances are okay enough, with the standout being from the big dawg himself, Kane Hodder. Hodder isn't given much to chew on as far as acting goes, which is too bad as he's surprisingly not too shabby in his ability. Regardless, his presence alone is enough to make him the clear strong point of the film for most fans, myself included.
Unlike many B-Movies these days, Exit 33 doesn't attempt to be more than what it is. The film is certainly bargain bin and hokey, but it doesn't actually try to be either of those things. It never feels as if Brunswick was purposefully making a film that's so bad it's good as much as she was making a film that's as good and fun as can be considering the talent involved. Not that this all results in a masterpiece of modern horror, mind you, but I appreciate the attempt and the final result is more enjoyable than if it were to have been too forced.
So, before I wrap this sucker up, there are a few random observations I made that I feel I should share with you all, but I don't feel like trying to cram them into an awkward paragraph:
Girl tags a bathroom with a dry erase marker? Is that like the new, super ironic way in which the art of graffiti has gone?
Making sex with your underwear on simply doesn't work, unless you are wearing you underwear on your head, that is.
Wiping your ass with a porn mag might be okay for you, but that shit would ruin my delicate ass worse than a stint in prison.
Never turn your back on some good jerky.
Holy ending
It's tough to give Exit 33 a full recommend, as it's not a film that everyone will enjoy. Hardcore Hodder fans should get a kick out of seeing the man behind the mask carry an entire movie on his shoulders, but I don't think your average horror fiend can truly appreciate the type of low rent film that Exit 33 is. On the other hand, if you are a connoisseur of a certain type cinema, the type of cinema that only a few dedicated (and maybe demented) fans can appreciate, then I think you could have a good time with Exit 33. I suppose the best way to summarize this one is, if you can appreciate that DVD cover art up there at the start of this review, then you can certainly appreciate Exit 33. If not, you might want to stick to the highway and take 34.
