Holy Crap.

Here's the first teaser trailer for the upcoming South Korean horror flick, Cats.

At the 33 second mark, be prepared to witness the true face of terror.

That's all I have to say.

Oh, and you're welcome.

6 Films to Keep You Awake: To(i)Let

Jaume Balagueró's entry into the 6 Films to Keep You Awake collection, To Let (Para entrar a vivir), is quite basic in premise, and clocking in at a measly 68 minutes, there is very little time to get all that complicated. The film follows Mario (Adrià Collado) and Clara (Macarena Gómez), a couple who, without much luck, have been searching high and low for a new apartment. With a child on the way Mario and Clara need something a little bigger, something befitting a new family, and Mario thinks he may have found the perfect place for the perfect price.

We first meet the couple as they are driving to their potential new home. It's quite the hike to actually get there, and when they finally do, it's a little less than what was expected. The building is located in a rundown and nearly vacant neighborhood - one that looks like a great place for meth use and dead body storage, as opposed to PTA meetings and soccer practice. With dwindling hopes that the interior may outweigh the exterior, they check out the pad anyways, but as luck would, or would not, have it, the place is rundown and near unlivable. They quickly decide that this will not be the right place for them to start a family and set to go on their merry way. Unfortunately for Mario and and Clara, the landlady (Nuria González) thinks otherwise and the couple find themselves trapped in the apartment building - an apartment building run by a madwoman.

To Let starts off with a bang and, as I mentioned, it's a very short movie, so it hits hard and fast (like yer maahm does), getting right into the meat and taters (again, like yer maahm does), completely skipping the appetizer altogether. The viewer is introduced to Mario and Clara and, with minimal, straight to the point back-story under the film's belt, it puts them almost immediately in danger as they are trapped in the apartment building against their will. This opening works great and shows some real promise as it caught me off guard with how quickly and unexpectedly things went down South for the protagonists.

On top of the balls-to-the-wall start, To Let has a gorgeous location; the aesthetic of the grimy and muted, graffiti ridden neighborhood looks fantastic. It feels almost like a European version of '80s/'70s New York with this gray and dead demeanor, which is only added to by the downpour of rain enveloping the already grim surroundings. That appealing appearance carries right over into the apartments building's rusty and dusty interior, with chipped paint, curled up wallpaper and cockroaches abound. If anything were to standout outside of the location and set design, To Let is also magnificently shot and edited. Pablo Rosso's cinematography is impressive to say the least, and all of these aspects I have gone over in this review thus far had me thinking I was in for a fantastic ride.                  

In what could easily be described as style over substance, To Let unfortunately falls flatter with far more than a simple lack of substance, and the longer the short film runs, the worse things get. I was pretty high and mighty for much of the first half but, as To Let went on, I found my enjoyment of it starting to dwindle to the point of complete dislike. Mario and Clara are trapped in an apartment building by this mad landlady who is obsessed with keeping her grotesque complex filled with unwilling tenants. She thinks what she is doing is okay, but she is clearly delusional as she acts out landlord/tenant situations with tenants that are bound and gagged.

I'm okay with the familiar concept, and I'm okay with the basic premise, but when things began to get ridiculous I started to check out, no matter how nice looking the movie is. I can suspend my disbelief with the best of them, but to think that a middle aged, scrawny lady has the ability to keep captive and one up all of the couples that she has, is simply moronic. There is a scene where Mario has the chance to whack her right on the back of the head, but he hesitates for the slightest second, which is just enough time for her go on the offensive and overpower this fully grown man. Even when she is knocked down and nearly out at one point, the couple run away from her, squandering a chance to stop her for good, or at least incapacitate her so she is no longer a threat.

There is a point in To Let where I just started to get pissed off, and it's at that point where every little lame thing began to stick out and force me to shake my head in disbelief (especially the dream within a dream, within a dream sequence). For a film to come out swinging with it's head clearly in the game, only to suddenly lose focus and stagger away from what it started is a major disappointment. You have a slightly corny but serviceable idea that is introduced properly then executed poorly, which is very unfortunate with how incredibly attractive the package is on the outside. If things were just kept simple and remotely believable, this could have been a serious contender; yet all that is left is a pile of steaming substance in an un-flushed TOiLET. 

Dumpster Diving For Gold: VHS VLOG

Vlog. How fucking hip.

Here it is folks, my very first ever video blog. I've always wanted to do one of these things, so it was just a matter of time before it would finally happen. While the video is a little cringe inducing to watch (for me, at least), I'm happy with how it came out, especially since I did it on the spur of the moment, in one take, with no prep whatsoever.

It's nothing special, just me talking some nonsense about a few VHS tapes I recently picked-up in the bowels of the earth.

Hope you bitches dig it.

A few quick post-video thoughts:

I touch my face. A lot.

This is not a 16:9 aspect ratio.

When I say conservative/catholic area, I am referring to the fact that the area I live in doesn't exactly equal horror, cult and exploitation cinema findings, unfortunately. There's a lot of digging, to say the least.

My hands move more than my mouth.

I think I might swear a little too much?

I neglected to mention that I don't like Crimewave all that much.

That's it. Thanks for watching, and I hope to do a few more of these things here and there, with a little more preparation, of course.

Because A Mother That Kills, is A Mother That Cares

T-Shirt Bordello of Blood

Recently, the kind folks over at T-Shirt Bordello were nice enough to send a few gifts my way after reading all about my heroic rescue of two baby jaguars that were trapped in a burning building this past March. If you aren't already aware of T-Shirt Bordello, they specialize in t-shirts for the nerd in all of us. With tees covering subjects ranging from Married With Children to Hellraiser, they carry a cornucopia of pop-culture and genre film apparel to dig into, but that isn't all they have to offer.

Have you been suffering from issues keeping track of where you last placed your keys? Try a Bates Motel key chain, it's mother approved. Got a pack of Parliament ultras and no place to put them out? An Overlook Hotel ashtray is nice this time of the year. Are you a big fan of "the drink?" How 'bout taking a few swigs from a Winchester Tavern pint glass?

Those are just a few small examples of what T-Shirt Bordello has to offer, but the star of the show is, of course, the tees. Here are a few of my personal favorites:

Now, as I said, those are a few of my favorites, but my mostest favorites are the two shirts that they sent to me, which just so happen to be from two films I love:

My thoughts are mad deep, son

Straight throwin' out duck lips Like it's no ones business

That's right, Monster Squad and mother fucking Robocop, mother fucker!

The shirts are of solid quality, and the graphics look great and feel as if they will be able to last through more than a few washes without getting all jacked up. Not that I wash my clothes or anything silly like that; I like to have that natural musk that only can come from being unbathed and coated in funk juice. Can you smell it, baby? Okay, that's kind of gross.

All of the shirts are a reasonable $14.99 (plus shipping), and they update their stock with new designs every week, so you're guaranteed to find something you love there. Unless you don't love cool shit, that is.  So there you have it, T-Shirt Bordello. Nice people that sent me some nice things that I feel I can proudly pimp to all of you in complete confidence. However, they need to get rid of that Red Sux shirt with the quickness.

6 Films to Keep You Awake: Stir of Diapers

With a newborn baby in tow, newlyweds Juan and Sofia are just getting their family started together as they move into their dream home. Being new parents in an unfamiliar place, the couple decide to use a hand me down baby monitor to keep tabs on their new edition. The reassurance is nice, however, on the very first night Juan hears strange noises coming from the baby monitor, noises that sound very much like someone is talking. This obviously frightens Juan and, in turn, Sofia, but they chalk it up to a faulty monitor. Regardless, Juan feels a bit uncomfortable about what happened, so he goes out and buys a brand-new top of the line baby monitor - complete with an infrared camera - so he can keep a close eye on his newborn. Unfortunately, instead of finding reassurance, Juan learns there is someone (or something) else sharing the house with the him and his family.

Directed by Álex de la Iglesia, The Baby's Room (La habitación del niño) mainly focuses on Juan (Javier Gutiérrez), as it is him who is seeing and hearing these strange things coming from the baby’s bedroom. While friends and co-workers would like to, no one really believes what Juan claims he is hearing and seeing, and that includes his own wife. Juan is afraid someone is out to hurt his family, and he would do anything to protect them, but unfortunate events unfold in a way that make Juan seem less than stable as a father and husband. He becomes paranoid, believing that there's someone out to hurt his child or even his wife, Sonia, and it gets to the point that he himself may pose a threat to his family. His paranoia feeds an obsession with figuring out what is going on, whether or not it is hurting his relationship, his family or even his job.

The Baby's Room is along the lines of films like Candyman, Stir of Echoes or any movie that has a character with a questionable and/or possibly dangerous obsession involving a haunted past. Whether or not it's Juan's imagination that is causing all of this, he is seeing things, which gives him more than enough of a reason to be infatuated. And it's what Juan sees that is one of the stronger pieces of the film. The infrared baby monitor is nicely used for some genuinely creepy scares, and, much like we all saw in the One Night in Paris video, the baby's glowing eyes are unsettling all by themselves. Now, add in some random dude suddenly appearing next to that baby, and you're talking straight shit stains.

The baby monitor is a good device to generate scares as well as adding a hair of originality to an otherwise all too common idea. Now, even though the film does have a familiar storyline - and you'll have a good idea what the conclusion could be - The Baby's Room keeps the secret fairly safe. I never knew exactly where the movie was going, even if I had a good idea of where it could end up. Nevertheless, it is a properly executed film on most every other level outside of originality. Smooth camera work, an intense score, great settings, some creative ideas with the baby monitors, and strong acting from both Javier Gutiérrez and Leonor Watling (as the extremely gorgeous Sonia).

As a whole, The Baby's Room is very light on kills, but there is one that I must mention as it is simply incredible. Keeping things spoiler free, there is one death that has the perfect mix of brutality, blood and extreme realism. The music used is seriously intense, and the whole scene plays out in such a frightening and gruesome way that I can't help but compare it to that of classic Argento.

As is the case with most of the features in the 6 Films to Keep You Awake set, The Baby's Room is a shorter film, only running at 80 minutes. This is something that works in the film's favor in some ways, but hurts it in others. There is a lot that happens in this short running time, so the filmmakers did a commendable job trimming the fat. However, things do feel a little rushed at times, but even then, I have seen so many characters go crazy in this type of film that I very much appreciated how lean it is.

In the end, The Baby's Room is a superbly made horror flick with some well-timed scares that effectively filled-up my diaper with the quickness. Even with a recognizable story, it's a film that executes well enough to keep things from getting stale. It's not perfect, but The Baby's Room is a solid entry into the world of Spanish horror; in fact, it's good enough to stand on its own, even outside of the 6 Film's set.

Totally Tubular Trailers

It seems as if I just did one of these thingamajigs a post or two back, and, well, that's because I did. The more often there's a fresh new edition of Totally Tubular Trailers only means that there are more and more sick looking movies are on their way. And when I say sick, I mean sic. Like, the way my friend spells it on facebook when describing something awesome. It's pretty funny, especially when he writes "fucking sic, bro!"

What I'm getting at here is, it certainly seems as if the glut that was the first quarter of 2011 is nearing an end, and now all sorts of great looking movies are making their way into our lives, our hearts and hopefully our beds. Well, just so long as they don't have gonorrhea. That shit is fucking sic, bro.

The Prodigies is a superhero/apocalypse film that focuses on five "special" teens that come together to lash out against the world after they are violently attacked in Central Park. Humanities only hope against the five prodigies is a sixth prodigy named Jimbo (Jimbo?!) Farrar, who must use all of his might top keep the five prodigies from exacting their vengeance-fueled apocalypse. 

The Prodigies is a French language animated film directed by Antoine Charreyron, whose previous works consist of directing a number of video games. Unfortunately, this trailer is not available in English as of yet, but this film looks absolutely fan-fucking-tastic. The animation style is simple and slightly underwhelming at first, but as the preview moves forward, your jaw will be sure to drop more than once. Also, including a MUSE song in a trailer, specifically the track chosen, is always a great way to grab my pickle for a tickle. 

WATCH THIS TRAILER!!

 

…………………………………………

 

Jointly written and directed by Julien Lacombe and Pascal Sid, Behind the Walls (Derriere Les Murs) follows a young novelist who moves to a peaceful countryside so she can concentrate on writing her latest book. It isn't long before the novelist succumbs to terrifying hallucinations and nightmares, all the while, numerous young girls are disappearing from the area, which sends the locals into quite the tizzy. 

Like The Prodigies, Behind the Walls is also a French made film and, despite their lack of freedom and women's deodorant, the genre cinema that they have been producing has been some of the best outside of South Korea, and it doesn't seem like things will be slowing down anytime soon, especially after seeing this teaser.

It's a quick clip, but in less than a minute, you can see that Behind the Walls looks to be gorgeous, tense and chances are if the film is anything like this teaser, spines will be sent right into tingle mode. However, that could also be do to poor posture. 

 

…………………………………………

 

Next up is Legend of the Fist: The Return of Chen Zhen. The story is what you would come to expect from an action film where a guy wears a mask and fights crime. There's some form of corruption that needs to be dealt with, the titular character will be pressured by the double life that he lives and, most importantly, there will be some sic fucking action.

Legend of the Fist stars Donnie Yen, who is reprising his role of Chen Zhen from the 1995 TV series, Fist of Fury, which was actually influenced by the character Bruce Lee played in Fists of Fury. Sweet, right? Helmed by Lau Wai-keung, Legend also stars Anthony Wong and the always beautiful, but oddly fish like, Shu Qi, and is expected to see a US DVD release on June 16th.

The 20-second mark begins what should put a few skid marks right in yer undies.

…………………………………………

 

Directed by non-porn star, Dick Maas, our last trailer for the day comes to us in the form of the Dutch horror flick, Saint (Sint). The movie exposes the beloved Saint Nicholas for what he really is: a bloodthirsty bishop who, whenever there's a full moon on the 5th December, murders as many children as he possibly can.

Saint basically looks like your standard Slasher film, but instead of a Santa killer, which has been seen more than once before, you have jolly ol' Saint Nick doing all of the hacking and slashing. It's an extremely fun premise, and I love every little thing about the look of Saint based off this excitingly awesome trailer. Luckily, IFC has recently picked up the rights to the film, so hopefully it will make its way to our shores by the holidays, which clearly would be the perfect time to watch such a movie.

That's it for now, boils and ghouls. Hopefully you all have enjoyed what you've seen here, and please, be sure to share your thoughts on any one of these trailers.