Something Smells (Cat)fishy Over At Paracinema…

Located somewhere over the rainbow is a magical land known simply as Paracinema, and within this village lies a small tavern owned and operated by yours truly. Every once in a while I like to have a nice little dinner - a feast in which everyone is invited to come over and take part in if they so choose. All that you need to bring is yourself and your appetite. This time around, I have prepared a special dish made up of 2010's questionable documentary, Catfish. This is a meal that I have truly enjoyed creating, nevertheless, if you have never enjoyed a dish such as Catfish, I suggest you take a taste before you head on over. If not, my meal may just 'spoil' your appetite altogether.

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Dolly Dearest: No Wire Hangers! Oh, Wait…Wrong Movie

Throughout this annoyingly frigid month, some folks are celebrating black history, others, women in horror, but leave it to the almighty Emily of The Deadly Doll's House of Horror Nonsense to take the month of February and add her own 'little' twist to it. With - as Emily puts it - February being a short month, she has focused all 28 days of February to villains that are less than five feet tall. Vertically challenged villains, if you will. Dolls, killer kids, midgets…heck, even people without legs aren't safe from the sting of Emily's always-wonderful reviews. Along with her focus on tiny terrors, Emily was gracious enough to invite anyone and everyone to take part in this celebration, which is exactly what I'm doing here, with 1992's killer doll classic (well…), Dolly Dearest.

Directed by Maria Lease - whose other directorial credit belongs to that of the saucy TV series, Silk Stalkings, if that tells you anything - Dolly Dearest follows a toy manufacture and his family who move to Mexico so he can mass-produce the hottest toy since the Cabbage Patch Kids: Dolly Dearest. As soon as his young daughter, Jessica (Candace Hutson), lays her eyes on one of the dolls her father will produce (at his Mexican sweatshop) she falls in love and must have one immediately. Of course, her father gives Jessica a Dolly Dearest of her own but, little does he know, the torture porn toy factory is located right next to a Mayan tomb that, after being opened by an archeologist, released the evil spirit Sanzia (aka SATAN!) whom has taken refuge in….wait for it…the Dolly Dearest toys! 

As opposed to Child's Play's protagonist, Andy, who becomes fearful of his killer doll, Chucky, Jessica's relationship with Dolly Dearest is a little more possessive; as in, Dolly slowly turns Jessica into an evil accomplice. A bad best buddy, if you will. While there could easily be a ton of comparisons to Child's Play, the films really share no more than the idea of a killer doll. Which is a big idea, sure, but that's beside the point. Dolly Dearest focuses less on Dolly herself and more on Jessica's sudden burst of poor behavior (and how it affects her family, specifically her mother), where she begins to act erratically and violently toward anyone that would dare to separate her from her new best friend. She lashes out at her mother constantly (played by Denise Crosby, in her greasiest of roles), attacks the religious Mexican maid - or slave, as some call it - and draws violent images…with crayons, naturally. 

Candace Hutson, who plays Jessica, is fun to watch and actually quite adorable in a welfare Drew Barrymore sort of way. She puts out a nice over-the-top performance, while sometimes even coming off as somewhat creepy when she 'acts out' to the people around her. Also creepy is Dolly Dearest herself, who, specifically in 'normal' doll form, is unpleasant enough to give most any kid a doll phobia. In fact, as a normal doll, Dolly Dearest is probably most effective when she does little more than turn her head or moves her eyes slightly, as that is something that seems a little more plausible from an inanimate object such as a doll. That's not to take away from Dolly Dearest in full on 'I have an old face' killer doll mode, which is quite wonderful in its own way, just not as unsettling as what could be contemplated as real.    

Going into what is essentially a direct-to-video killer doll film, I would expect no more than the normal amount of cheese and incompetence from this movie, however, Dolly Dearest really isn't as cheap as one would expect (or as many would claim it to be). Not to say this is a great film on any level, but it has a decent cast (that includes Rip Torn!), it's made competently enough and you can tell that the filmmakers were trying to make a solid scary movie that could step out of Childs Play's shadow, all while benefiting from its popularity. Nevertheless, good intentions don't always result in good films and Dolly Dearest fails in more ways than it succeeds.

Dolly Dearest suffers from a serious illness, an illness best known as being boring. Not completely, but mostly, which is more than too much for me to be okay with. One major issue is this film falls very short in the death department. In fact, I think there are no more than three, maybe four, kills all together. Moreover, with that comes a lack of Dolly's presence (who was played by Ed Gale), which was great when she was around, but her screen time was far too little for a character that could have been pure gold. What it comes down to is, it's not quite good enough to be good, and it's not quite bad enough to be good, either. Therefore, what you are left with is a middle of the road, doll driven Slasher film that tries too hard to be good and loses what it could have been, entertaining.  

Chuck Norris Gets All Up In Your Ears!

*For the record, that is the greatest image ever*

I was very recently asked to take part in an episode of The Lair of the Unwanted, a monthly podcast put on by Jason from Invasion of the B Movies and Nolahn of Bargain Bin Review. Now, why in the hell would anyone ever want to talk to me about anything? Well, they just so happened to be doing an episode dedicated to the one and only Chuck Norris, so by blog name default, I was asked to join in on the bearded convo. The films covered are Breaker! Breaker!, Slaughter in San Francisco (aka Karate Cop!) and, the cream of the Chuck Norris crop, Lone Wolf McQuade!

I had a heck of a time taking part in this special Norris themed episode, as the conversation was quite exhilarating as was the subject matter. It didn't hurt that both Nolahn and Jason are two cool cats that have a true appreciation for some of the finer things in bad cinema. So, if you'd like to hear a sometimes muffled me mumble too close to my mic, do an imitation of Carrie from Sex and the City, or hear a lame joke about how Chuck Norris inadvertently freed the slaves, then click that play button below for crying out loud!

Black Belt Jones: Man, You Come Right Out of A Comic Book

Pitting a karate school against the mob, Black Belt Jones is the classic tale of the big guy bullying the little guy, all in the name of greed. In this case, it's the mob forcing their lower-level "associates," Pinky and his gang of thugs, to push out a local karate school so they can profit off a future land redevelopment. When Pinky and his boys go a little too far with their pushing and the karate school's owner is accidentally killed, one time student turned government agent, Black Belt Jones gets involved. And boy is he someone that you do not want to get involved with. Unless you're a lady, that is.    

Taking full advantage of the popularity of Blaxploitation movies, as well as the boom in Martial Art's films, 1974's Black Belt Jones is a culmination of its own era's popular genre cinema. The film stars the great Jim "the Dragon" Kelly, who, hot off of 1973's Enter the Dragon, was the perfect person to center a film that would take from both the popularity of Enter the Dragon, as well as his own character in that film, Williams, who was a representation of Blaxploitation cinema meant to reach a larger demographic. So, there you have it, the circle of cinematic life thanks to Black Belt Jones and Enter the Dragon.  

Black Belt Jones' connection to Enter the Dragon goes further as both films share the same director, Robert Clouse, who, besides directing both Kelly and Bruce Lee, has also directed Jackie Chan in The Big Brawl, and even the first few Cynthia Rothrock China O'Brien films. So he certainly has some solid action genre cred under his (black) belt, but I wouldn't say that Black Belt Jones is anything to marvel at on a serious action level. It's all pretty standard over-the-top stuff that places a much larger focus on fun than it does realistic hard-hitting action.    

There's a certain charm filled swagger that Black Belt Jones carries, which comes from the character, as well as the film and how it presents itself. It's very light and goofy and avoids some of the darker trappings that would be found in many Blaxploitation films. The racism level in the movie is very low, to the point where even the police officers seem to be smitten by just how cool Jones is, as opposed to being of the oppressive variety. Even the incredibly stereotypical Italian mobsters, who are the film's main antagonists, are silly (outside of the intimidating Mel Novak) in an almost parodic way. I love me a dark grimy Exploitation film, but it's nice to have one that isn't just mean spirited for the sake of exploitation.

What makes Black Belt Jones such an enjoyable ride is how much fun everyone seems to be having in the film. The interactions between certain characters are quite delightful and a lot of that has to do with Kelly's presence. He has such a great look, with that huge afro standing on top of his tall, lanky frame with that sullen look on his face. A sullen look that, in a heartbeat, can switch to the most natural and charismatic of smiles. He might not be the best actor on the block, but he can do what needs to be done physically, he has charm and, most importantly, a great presence.

Some might point to the movie as being a "so bad it's good" type of film, but I believe that people confuse the purposeful humor with cheese-lathered incompetence. Black Belt Jones is exactly what it was meant to be, fun. Black Belt Jones is supposed to be a good time, and it shows in scenes where the karate school students (in complete karate gi uniform, of course) are seen doing synchronized martial art's moves at a funeral. Or, having Gloria Hendry run around open handed karate chopping bad dudes, yelling HI-YA!, like it's no one's business. Moreover, how serious is any film trying to be when they cast Scatman Crothers as a karate master?!

Black Belt Jones is a film that, in a way, has an innocence about it and could play perfectly to most any crowd that's open to having a good time. In that sense, it reminds me a lot of 1985's The Last Dragon with its tone, its sense of humor, and comic book feel. Not to say that Black Belt Jones is as wonderful as The Last Dragon, but it hits the right notes and stands on its own as a different type of Blaxploitation film. From the moment Dennis Coffey's wonderful main theme song funks up your ear drums; down to the bubble bath final fight at the carwash, you are sure to be smiling throughout much of Black Belt Jones.

Paracinema's One-Two Punch and the Urban Warriors Come Out to Play-ayyy!

Holy poop, it's already time for a new issue of Paracinema, and the great minds behind this AWARD NOMINATED magazine have pumped out what looks to be their best issue yet (starting with that dope cover!). Dubbed The Women's Issue, issue #11 has been dedicated to fairer sex by having the entire magazine written solely by women. While I am fearful that at least one of these fine ladies will bring up their period, I'm willing to take the chance as there are some fantastic writers (and good friends) involved with equally wonderful subjects that are to be covered. Take a look below for a sneak peek at what's in store…

Demystifying Superwoman: Shifty Gender Roles, Hysterical Moms, & Pissed Off Daughters in The Exorcist

by Ashlee Blackwell

Frankenhooker: Titular Commodification of Women

by Lisa Cunningham

Rape-Revenge Films: A Guide for the Faint-Hearted

by Chelsea Suarez

The Degrading Last Days of Laura Palmer: A Backwards Glance at Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me

by Christine Hadden

Spiritual Viagra (How a Mummy in Cowboy Boots Gave Elvis a Hard-On)

by Molly Marie Griffin

Mental Illness in Horror Films: Lifting the Stigma with Let’s Scare Jessica to Death

by Andre Dumas

Yowza! And that's only the beginning! So head on over to Paracinema to preorder that shit asap, or I'll pee in your sink. Again.

While we're on the subject of Paracinema, the magazine has been nominated for an award, a Rondo award for best magazine, to be exact. This is great news, and I wanted take a moment to send a huge congrats to two of my favorite people, Dylan and Christine, for their nomination. It's good to see such hard working people with an intense passion and respect for cinema receive some recognition. Paracinema keeps it real, filtering out all the bullshit that's to be found in most other genre magazines, and for that I truly believe they deserve this. If you would like to vote in this year's Rondo awards, click away, and please, feel free to vote for Paracinema, because they believe in freedom!

CLICK DA LINK!

And finally, it's time to talk about me, which is nothing short of a pleasure as I do love me some me. Over at The Gentlemen's Blog to Midnite Cinema, I just posted up a review for the Italian Post-Apocalyptic flick, Urban Warriors. So, if you don't mind, head on over to theGBTMC to give it a looksee. Do it for Dudikoff because he would expect nothing less, and he too believes in freedom!

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Love Makes People Do the Craziest of Things…

Happy Valentine's Day, creeps!

Splice's Flawed Finale

As much as I enjoyed Vincenzo Natali's Sci-fi Horror hybrid, Splice, the film is littered with a number of minor issues that, for me, can be overlooked in the big scheme of things. However, one major problem I have with the film - and something that truly holds it back, in my opinion - is the final act where the viewer is given the long awaited opportunity to see what the man-made monster, Dren (Delphine Chanéac), is truly capable of. Obviously, this will be a complete spoiler, so go away if you've not already seen the movie. Don't get all pissy about it…you can come back later on after you've seen the movie. Anyway, as you know, Splice ends with a scene where it is believed that Dren - the creature created by Genetic engineers, Clive (Adrien Brody) and Elsa (Sarah Polley) - is dead. Clive and Elsa take Dren's body and bury it outside of their secluded farmhouse where they had been hiding Dren from the always-pesky pesky-people that love to do pesky things. You know the type.   

Soon afterwards, Clive and Elsa's poorly fleshed-out boss, William Barlow, shows up along with Clive's brother and co-worker, Gavin, when Dren - who underwent a metamorphosis that transformed her from a female, to a male - suddenly attacks both men. After killing both Barlow and Gavin, Dren goes on to rape Elsa and kill Clive after he stabs her with a branch. Elsa delivers the final blow with a rock to the head and that would seem to do it for Dren. Now, I should mention that this whole scene is very well put together - outside of the ridiculously handled rape, of course - and should work in a way that is a sort of a payoff for the slow moving, character driven time spent leading up to this action filled finale. The wooded setting is absolutely gorgeous, with how the moon's rays cast ominous shadows, illuminating the snow-covered ground to make for quite the incredible backdrop for a scene of violence and action.

So, where exactly does my problem lie with the ending of Splice? Well, as I mentioned earlier, before Dren attacks she makes a drastic transformation into a male. She becomes a different creature (despite being played by the same actress), and it's very clear that the monster known as Dren is not present in any real way that translates to film (because her internal thoughts and feelings clearly do not translate to celluloid). All of the time spent with Splice is time spent with Dren as she is. A female. We watch her grow and mature into what may be one of the finest looking monsters I have seen in quite some time. A truly original creature that is almost, dare I say it, sexy (I know, gross), but in a way that is dangerous and frightening at the same time. Dren has a horrifying elegance as a monster that goes well beyond Splice as a film, and it's a complete shame to sit through an entire movie with this wonderful creation, only to have it taken away at the last minute for the sake of a plot device.

And what was that plot device again? Earlier in the film, Clive and Elsa's purple booger experiment goes awry when the female hybrid creature they created turns into a male and the two purple boogers kill each other. This would seem to be the clue that Dren would also swap sexes, but the question is, why? Why does the purple booger have to change into a male to become volatile? Is it to show that the male is more aggressive than the female thus the male Dren attack scene at the film's end? Dren already showed intense signs of intense aggression and a lack of rational thought, so that throws that theory out the window. The only reasonable explanation to make Dren a man is solely to impregnate Elsa. Regardless of it serving the purpose of a cliffhanger/plot-twist, I really do not see any reason why Dren, as was, couldn't be capable of impregnating someone herself. 

To ask your audience to suspend their disbelief and accept the fact that a female gendered science experiment, complete with a serious phallic symbol, could impregnate a human woman, is not the tallest of orders. No one knows how this created creature would mate, procreate, or do anything for that matter. If anything, I find it more believable to just have Dren be able to do this because she isn't a human and can quickly adapt to move her new brand of species forward. Evolution for the sake of survival. Her aggression, as well as that of the purple boogers, can be as simple as that, an experiment that resulted in chaos, which is sort of the film's point, correct?! Therefor, this entire unnecessary plot point serves no real purpose but to try to be smart, but instead takes away a major piece of the puzzle from what is essentially a monster film. It takes away the monster.

What sayeth you?!