I know it's not quite Christmas yet, but I did participate in a sort of Secret Santa (that's not so secret and is officially dubbed, Kringle – it's a Canadian thing) as a part of the wonderful The Gentlemen's Guide to Midnite Cinema community. I did it last year and got some serious goodies, and this time around was no different. The person who had me in this cinematic filled gift exchange was none other than Zach, who many of you may know as T.L. Bugg, the man behind The Lightning Bug's Lair!
Now, because of the whirlwind that went on with some lame-O contest recently, I never had the opportunity to write about the awesome experiences I had at Horrorhound Weekend in Cincinnati back in November. Well, now's not the time, but it was very awesome and I spent not nearly enough time with a whole lot of amazing people that I had physically met for the first time, one of whom was Zach. So, what did Zach get me in this gift exchange? Well, the question should probably be what didn't he get me, because this was some serious shit he sent my way. Allow me to show you…
From left across the top starts with a little Hip-Hop and food related reading material - a clamshell VHS copy of Kill the Golden Goose (staring Ed Parker!) – a VHS copy of Hurricane Smith – a VHS copy of American Ninja (which will look nice next to my copy of American Ninja 3: Blood Hunt!) – and the final VHS belongs to, The Glove (!)!
Down on the bottom from left to right (all DVD) starts with Abel Ferrara's 'R Xmas – an Exploitation Cinema Double Feature featuring the films Mausoleum and Blood Song - Teenage Catgirls in Heat – Alex Cox's Straight Hell – and last but certainly not least, Star Knight, a film I had not heard of until I read a review over at the Bug's place. I'm in for a good time from what I remember.
So while this is a whole ton of awesome, the coolest of the cool for me is that copy of The Glove (!) on VHS. You may or may not know (or care, for that matter) that the first blog review I ever wrote was for The Glove. Heck, I was even lucky enough to be able to talk a bit about the film with the great John Saxon himself. So yeah, that shit is cool.
So this post is a bit bloated, but I was simply too excited about this great package I received and I simply had to share it with you all. Thanks so much to Zach for these incredible gifts, and I hope to one day repay him by letting him open up my package! Wait?
The latest issue of BThroughZ is upon us, and with that comes yet another mediocre review from yours truly. This month I take a look at 1984's Monster Dog, a werewolf film directed by the great Claudio Fragasso. As if having the maestro behind Troll 2 wasn't enough poop in this bowl, Monster Dog also stars one Alice Cooper, which creates the perfect opportunity for a few incredible musical set pieces (as you'll see in the video below). Check out my review (by clicking HERE!), and while you're at it, check out the slew of other great articles found inside this wonderful online zine.
Since we're sort of on the subject of magazines, I wanted to mention that the upcoming issue of Video Watchdog (issue 160 to be exact) contains a contribution from good friend of CNAMB, Jeff Allard. You may know Jeff from his blog, Dinner With Max Jenke, and if you do, then you know what a fantastic writer Jeff is as well as being an extremely knowledgeable horror fan. Jeff's featured piece is an in-depth look back at one of my favorite genre TV shows growing up, Friday the 13th: The Series! Video Watchdog is without a doubt one of the finest genre magazines in publication and it's made all the finer with Jeff involved, so I encourage you all to show some support and pick up the issue. I just got mine in the mail and am ecstatic to read Jeff's article, and I certainly want to congratulate him on this greatly deserved achievement!
I won't bother going into the boring details of my personal thoughts on remakes as that always seems to be so much of the focus when actually sitting down to review one. It's almost as if you need to explain your stance beforehand. It's as simple as I enjoy them so long as they are good, which is the case with any film I watch, essentially. Last Death-cember brought about a review of Bob Clark's Black Christmas, a film that I simply adore for a number of reasons, many of which you can learn about by reading that review. Go ahead, I'll wait for you to read it…back already? Okay, so It's a year later now, and I figured it would be kind of fun (heavy focus on kind of) to watch and review the 2006 remake of, Black Christmas. So that's what I did, obviously. I mean, I am writing a review for it, aren't I?
Moving on, the film has a basic set-up with a group of sorority sisters getting knocked off one-by-one on Christmas Eve. Easy enough, right? Well, not so much as things take a complicated turn when it is revealed as to why someone is killing them. As opposed to the original film, there is no actual mystery as to who is behind the murders. *SPOLIERS!* In fact, it's all simply laid out on the table in what is a number of lengthy and obnoxiously overbearing flashbacks, detailing a story about some creep ball named Billy, whom was locked in the attic for many years after he witnessed his abusive mother and her new boy toy murder his father.
Now, Billy's ma dukes is, well, to put it simply, cock hungry and one night when her man is too drunk to fuck, she decides that it's time make up for all the years of abuse she put him through by going up in the attic and banging him. Naturally, this one time encounter results in Billy's mom becoming pregnant with her own son's child. I know, gross. Oh, and if that wasn't strange enough, I should probably mention that Billy is yellow? Like, for whatever reason, dude has yellow skin and that is partially why his mother hated him, even though she would eventually bone him. Yellow. Multivitamin colored urine, yellow. All of this whacky nonsense results in a murder spree thanks to a recently escaped from a mental asylum Billy and his inbred daughter, who looks a lot like Nicole Bass, come to think of it. *END SPOILERS!*
Black Christmas - or, Black X-Mas as it was sometimes marketed as when trying to capture the attention of those kids and their skateboards – is a remake of a film that is considered to be very influential on the Slasher and horror genre. It's looked at as a classic of sorts. This time around, you have a film that is influenced by the success of remakes and in return is lumped in with an era of unoriginality. It would seem to have the exact opposite reputation of its influence, and essentially does little to discern itself from the pack, despite its incredibly odd backstory.
Even though I somewhat appreciate the bold (and bonkers) story choices that were made in a Hollywood driven remake, it all feels so cheap. Like, if you really need to spend more than 25 minutes explaining backstory, you are doing no service to the characters at hand. You know, the ones we are supposed to care about in the present day. Not that they're the types of horror characters that one can actually feel for as they are about as interesting as a mouth full of yellow starburst and all that blame can be placed solely on the writing. This is a group of female characters that are as uninspired and uninteresting as it gets, which is very unfortunate with a cast that is actually very solid.
The mostly all female cast consist of a slew of familiar faces, many of which I actually really enjoy watching on screen. Of course, I may be biased as I find most of the actresses to be more than easy on the eyes, and this is certainly a great looking cast for sure, but I do appreciate them for their acting as much as their physical appeal. I mean, casting Lacey Chabert and Mary Elizabeth Winstead is certainly a positive mark for me, but to give them no meat to chew on (yowza!) with their bland characters, then they are nothing more than good actresses that are being used simply as objects of visual stimulation. The actresses aren't challenged with characters that have depth nor are they interesting in any way, shape or form. Pretty girls in a film that seems to be a little too much about veneer, which doesn't end with the cast.
I'm sure many would be quick to piss on it, but in my opinion, Black Christmas is actually a pretty solid film on a technical level. It's not comparable to the original, at all, but there are a fair share of standout shots to be found in the film. In addition, what is possibly the only thing that writer/director Glen Morgan semi-successfully carried over from the '74 film is a nice looking Christmas aesthetic. To be fair, there is no way someone could recreate the awesome holiday look of the original without making a movie set in the 70s (and I would LOVE to see Ti West take a shot), but I would say that this is close to as good as can be done for a modern day set holiday tale. I simply love Christmas decorations, and right from the first shot of the film, with a great looking house covered in fat Christmas light bulbs, I actually became incredibly pumped for the movie. What can I say, I'm easily memorized by pretty lights and colors. And women.
In the end, there are just barely enough positives that keep Black Christmas from being a complete lump of coal. There are a good amount of kills, most of which are decent but they are also very repetitive. It seems the only way someone can die in this movie is to be stabbed in the eye(s) with a bag over their head. As far as modern day Slasher films go, Black Christmas is sub par, but not a complete loss. The wild Billy backstory, the pretty Christmas lights, the attractive cast and a scene where Billy eats flesh made Christmas cookies makes Black Christmas worth at least a viewing. It's the type of holiday Slasher film that will be nice to pop in every few years when something different is needed outside of the usual suspects.
What exactly does one get when Christmas shopping for someone like a post transformation Seth Brundle? It's not as easy as you'd think. Brundlefly's physical form is quite odd in its shape, so a nice holiday sweater is out of the question. He's not so much into his looks, either, so you can forget about picking him up a 6 month gym membership with unlimited tanning. And without actual ears, what would be the point of getting him an iPod?
If you're shopping for a picky person, or fly, such as Brundlefly, you have to think outside the box and maybe take a look at his interests and likes. What is his passion? Well, family unity is clearly first thing on his mind, so why not try and go for a gift certificate to the Olive Garden? It's the perfect present for a family that is in need of a little bonding, and boy do those breadsticks taste so great, especially 'cause they're endless! Just make sure you go when it's not too busy, you know, because Brundlefly has not the greatest of table manners.
One thing I notice is, when Brundlefly is off working those late nights breaking into abortion clinics, he needs to take a break but just doesn't have the time to stop somewhere to pick up a quick sip to eat. It's a clinic-to-clinic lifestyle he lives. So, I'm thinking a nice 24oz thermos would make for the perfect solution for a fly on the go. Hey, you could even fill it with some meat and vegetables before wrapping it, then the entire family will laugh and clap as they watch as he pukes on it so it dissolves and becomes a form in which is edible for him. Hey look, he's making fresh Olive Garden alfredo sauce! YUM!
Lastly, I know I sometimes like to buy my mother an adorable Christmas ornament as a present. It's a great way to remind her about how disappointed she is in me when she goes to decorate her tree year after year. The problem is, what kind of ornaments are out there that a fly/human hybrid would enjoy hanging every holiday season? Well, here's where you can get creative. What do flies love? C'mon…think about it. That's right, they love shit! Now, how about a nice home made ornament made out of some form of feces? It's cheap and you can decorate it with glitter, put your picture on it, heck, you can even stick a candy cane through it if it's soft enough. Now, imagine Brundlefly's face when he hangs up an ornament that he can actually call his own. This Christmas is turning out, AWESOME!!
So there you have it. When shopping for someone like Brundlefly, sometimes you just have to think outside the pod. Happy shopping, kiddies!
P.S. I am fully aware that this entire post is probably null and void due to the fact that there is a 99% chance that Brundlefly is Jewish. I do believe, however, that the fly was Irish catholic, so it works.
…Is to learn how to break dance! I mean, I already have the sick moves, ya know, but I need to get to that next level if I want to even come close to competing in the 10th annual Saint Mary's church group dance-off. I think that our friend, Alfonso Ribeiro, is just the man to get me there.
While so many enjoy their holiday celebration with classic songs such as, White Christmas, Little Drummer Boy, O Holy Night and so on and so forth, I prefer to spend my chilly evenings snuggled up to the first lady of funk, Jan Terri. Thankfully for me (and frankly, for all of us), Jan has a Christmas classic of her own and, much like her personality, it has a touch of sass that's not often found in your average holiday jam.
See, the thing about Jan is she actually tells a story with her music. With Rock and Roll Santa, Jan has a tale to tell, a tale involving a walk near, well, something I actually couldn't make out, when suddenly Jan sees something she cannot believe!?! Santa Claus jammin' and wockin' on a GUITAR inside of some store that clearly sells nothing. Nothing but sex for Santa, apparently. I mean, it's obvious that when you're a guitar playing Santa, you have no problem commanding bitches to sit on your lap. If you can snag Jan Terri for a seat on your north pole, on top of all those other girls (and even a dude!), then you truly are rock and roll, Santa.
As with all Jan Terri videos, there is an incredible focus on production value. From Jan's incredible puffy winter coat and red shoes ensemble, to the concert hall where Santa spends his time rocking out, this is grade A art direction we're dealing with here. Most importantly is the way in which this music video was shot. Rock and Roll Santa's DP pulls out all the stops to convey the spirit of Christmas, with amazing shots of mall decorations, store front displays that aren't even Christmas related and of course, Jan making hard moves next to some river. Hot. Hot in a nice Christmas way, of course. After watching this, it is clear that the only thing I want or need for Christmas is, Jan Terri to strum my guitar string, wock and woll style.
I had surprisingly heard very little about 1981's Death Hunt, and the reason I say surprisingly is because Death Hunt contains a cast that testosterone dreams are made of. The top billed actors are Charles Bronson and Lee Marvin, two actors that are top tier cinema tough guys with enough rugged presence to chap your lips. Loosely based on a true story, Bronson plays Albert Johnson, a lone wolf trapper in the Canadian mountains that runs into a group of dirtballs at the tail end of a vicious dog fight. Johnson quickly makes enemies with the crew of jackals when he forcibly saves the losing dog moments from it's deathbed. This pisses off the dogs owner as well as his easily influential and simple minded pals, so they try to seek vengeance by attacking Johnson at his remote cabin, where things do not go their way when one of them ends up dead.
This is where Lee Marvin's character is introduced, a Royal Canadian Mounted Police Sergeant named Edgar Millen. After the incident at Johnson's place, the leader of the crew and the dogs owner, Hazel (Ed Lauter), lies and says that Johnson attacked them, instead of vice versa. Knowing that Hazel and his crew are probably not being truthful, Millen still has to take Johnson in for questioning. Unfortunately, after a botched attempt at a friendly confrontation, Johnson is forced to protect his freedom, going on a defensive run from the law and taking out whomever makes the mistake of getting in his way.
Outside of Bronson and Marvin, Death Hunt has a vast role of characters that played by some great character actors of the past, many that most should recognize. I already brought up Ed Lauter as the sort of main antagonist, but there are also small roles as backup baddies played by people from Maury Chaykin to William Sanderson. Andrew Stevens also stars as the youthful and straight laced Constable Alvin Adams, who joins up with the very contrasting Millen character and his partner Sundog, who is played by Carl Weathers. Oh, did I forget to mention Carl Weathers is in this film? Yeah, can you smell the Stetson yet? Or should I say, Mandom?
With two fantastic tough guy leads, a cast of great character actors, a snowy mountain setting and you have yourself what is a perfect recipe for brooding action success. Well, maybe not perfect, but luckily, Death Hunt doesn't let down and while there is not a lot of wild action on screen, the action that is produced is exciting and worth a jump kick of joy. Death Hunt is much more of a character driven film and has the heart and soul of a western in almost everyway outside of the year in which it's set.
What really works best is how much depth the characters have and how they interact with one another. There are these little moments of honest interaction that are handled in a very subdued but telling fashion. Small things like Weather's character – while drinking heavily with Millen, Adams and an Eskimo woman of great size – reveals that his birth name is George Washington Lincoln Brown. Millen clearly has ribbed him for this presidential heavy name in the past and how it is shared with the new kid on the block is just a nice and real moment, showing that there is true history between the characters - a dynamic. These are moments that may bore some but for a film fan like myself, I find them to be fascinating.
There are many unsaid elements to Death Hunt, one of them being a strange but unsurprising bound that Millen and Johnson share with one another. They contrast each other heavily in how they live their lives, but the kind of men they are, is what makes them very similar to one another. Millen is leading the posse to find and capture Johnson, and he is the only man around with the capabilities and smarts to do it. Before these events, Millen is a grumpy, bitter and uncaring man on the surface. There are small glimpses of the real him (in front of a girlfriend of sorts, played by Angie Dickinson), but he keeps much of it bottled up (especially in front of other men), until he finds a purpose worthy of his time and skill...chasing a very dangerous wanted man through unsafe conditions.
Millen also has a strong respect for Johnson and knows he is a man that is very dangerous, but it is his job to stop him, and he is the only man with the ability to do so. There is even a moment when he says the reason he should be the one to stop Johnson is, Johnson deserves to be stopped by him, meaning, not by some shmuck with no clue or sense of respect, much like the guys that started all of this. While Johnson and Millen only meet face to face for no more than a minute, both of these men have a bound that grows out of this understanding of one another. These are two men that believe in honor and respect and while they are in opposite positions, they show consideration for those positions. That is where the film is strongest is the ungraspable bond that these 'real' men share.
Death Hunt was directed by Peter (don't call me Death) Hunt, and the film has a wonderful aesthetic with the frigid setting. I simply love the winter gear worn by the characters, with the big ass furry snow boots and hats made from some sort of dead animal. However, I watched it on instant view and the transfer they had looked a little tight and unflattering to what might otherwise look like a gorgeous film. I would love to see a proper version of the movie, that's for sure. Either way, Death Hunt is well made and thought out character study with a top notch cast and so much testosterone that I had to shave nine times during the film's runtime.
