Sunday-Sunday-Sunday! Ms. Horror Blogosphere vs. Pretty-Scary.net!!

I have been pretty tempted to toss in my two cents about this whole ordeal here, but after much thought and deliberation, I have decided against it because it takes away from my time spent watching movies, writing moronic reviews and throwing sexist dance parties.

Everyone has said everything that can be said, and I agree with most people’s thoughts. It's just too bad that it's taking away from the entire reason we are all here, which is to talk movie shop. The entire blogging world is doing the Karloff thing or talking about this moronic made up non-issue, while I'm just sitting here all alone. Weeping like a willow.

I need to stir up a pot of some sort, and I think I will do so by coming out against one ply toilet tissue. For years I have conformed to the tyranny of this waste efficient source of rear cleaning known as one ply T.P., and I'm done with it! Say what you will, three ply for me, whether or not you like it! Public restrooms be warned...your time is almost up!

Now, maybe I'll get a ton of hits here at CNAMB for this faux issue, and instead of learning my thoughts, people will become outraged by my "toilet tissue issue" stance. The line has been drawn in the sand and either you like a bloody ass, or you don't...now, what's it gonna be?

Freddy's Friday Night Dance Party!: Motör(Pin)head Edition!!!

Yo-yo-hoes! Didn't do a dance party last week and I can't even remember why now...actually, come to think of it, I was just being lazy. Anypooh, I got a dope ass track for you turkey stuffed sassy pants tonight and I think a lot of you are really gonna dig this one. The song: Hellraiser! The band: Motörhead!!

A couple of quaaludes and a half hours time, and I too, will put a spell on you...



Did you feel that thundering heat?! Well, I did, but the heat I felt is from when I went pee during the guitar solo...thanks, Lemmy. There are very few things scarier than a cenobite, but Lemmy from Motörhead comes pretty damned close. Written by Ozzy Osbourne, Zakk Wylde, and the moley one himself, Lemmy, Hellraiser was previously recorded by Ozzy in '91 for his No More Tears album. Motörhead went on to record the song and it famously showed up on the OST for 1992's Anthony Hickox directed, Hellraiser III: Hell on Earth.

Hellraiser and this post in general, bring me back big time. I love this song and the video is a welcome blast from the metal past too. I know for a fact that I have a VHS tape with this video on it as I used to recorded all the dope shit from Headbanger's Ball, and Hellraiser was one of my favs. You can't beat Lemmy playing poker against Pinhead, especially when you know Pinhead ain't got no chance...in HELL! And it may not be the best of the series, but I can't help but love every bit of 90's sweat that Hell on Earth drips. Great video for a great song!

Turkey? For Thanksgiving?!

Now THIS is more like it!

Happy Thanksgiving from Chuck Norris Ate My Baby!

Retail Terror!

With Black Friday almost upon us, why not celebrate the horror that many go through when forced to work retail. Dealing with customers is not the easiest thing ever; most are insatiable moronic douche bags looking for a hand me out and cannot read sale signs. Then there are the people that pick stuff up, look at it, and then just toss it wherever they see fit. Shopping amongst these people is just as bad, they have an ability to take up entire isles as they walk slower than a Romero Zombie, while being in the way of others who are trying to get from one store to the next.

Here is a list of films that while being terrifying, are no match for a woman with a cart full of crud, a checkbook, and a double baby stroller pushed by a five year old.

THIS is Retail Terror!

The Mist - And I thought Supermarket Sweep was tough?



Intruder - Some customers just deserve a band saw to the dome piece.



Little Shop of Horrors - Unfortunately, Rick Moranis' career was cut short when he was crushed by a group of stampeding women on the hunt for Cabbage Patch Dolls. All he wanted was an ONYX cd.



Splinter - The Least convenient store of all time.



Dawn of the Dead - Are mall walkers just fast zombies?



Bonus Terror!

Killing Time 'Till Turkey Day

There isn't much in terms of Thanksgiving themed horror and I know, cause I looked. One of the more well known (well, I guess) Thanksgiving horror films is 1972's Blood Freak, a "fowl" movie that I have never seen, but one I'm sure I would absolutely love. Dude is a total bawk-bawk-chicken-chicken-bawk-bawk-chicken head.



One I had never heard of, but sounds like it would scare the "stuffing" out of me, is 1981's Thanksgiving set Slasher, Home Sweet Home. It's about a homicidal maniac that shows how thankful he is by "carving" a family during their Thanksgiving festivities. I couldn't find a trailer, but this clip and Body by fucking Jake says it all...



I also discovered the 2006 low-budget film, ThanXgiving: Dead Harvest. Movie looks pretty weak and the only thing going for it is Ari Lehman is one of the stars. He is the same jive ass turkey that played Jason Voorhees for 17 seconds and somehow has been able to make a career out of it.



Probably the best known out of all these movies is the one that isn't even a movie, but a faux trailer. Of course, I'm talking about Eli Roth's brilliant entry in the 2007 film Grindhouse, Thanksgiving. It's crazy how one trailer can get it so right, it looks like it was hand "plucked" out of the 80's Slasher/holiday craze. Make this movie, please!



Last, but certainly not least, we have 2009's ThanksKilling! An incredibly low-budget film that is a welcome addition to the very small Thanksgiving horror fold. I had recently heard of ThanksKilling and only a few days later, learned that it was available on NetFlix instant watch. It's barely over an hour, super cheap, but incredibly funny in a very on purpose way. Well worth your time this Thanksgiving...horror fans will be "gobbling" this one up!



Not a lot, but there is some Thanksgiving horror fun to be had. Now if only these films would air on cable...now that would be gravy.

Paracinema Runs Red!

The holidays are getting uncomfortably close and the dread of having to do shit like shop for Christmas and deal with annoying crowds is just around the corner. Though I am a huge fan of Christmas and all of its commercialized glory, first we have to get through Thanksgiving, which is fine with me. You could blend turkey, taters, stuffing, biscuits, gravy, and a Lion's loss and I would drink that shit with a straw. So good.

While I brainstorm ideas for what I will post about during the holiday season in this over saturated blogosphere, I have a few reviews coming your way - starting with one for the 2009 Slasher film, The Hills Run Red posted over at Paracinema...The Blog. So head over there and check it out, pretty please!

The Horror Hangover

This Hangover is dedicated to my boy Tee, who celebrated his birfday last night, so I know he is soo hurtin' today. Happy birthday, puta!

Well hello there...I see you are incredibly hungover this afternoon. How can I tell? Well, your underwear is on backwards and it's not even your underwear to begin with. Plus, you smell like you were raped by Spuds McKenzie. Maybe that would explain the underwear thing. I'm not here to judge you, but instead, I'm here to guide you through your day of pain and dehydration. How can I do that you ask? By providing you with something to watch while you try to figure out how to not puke up the Denny's from the night before. This lineup is mad tight, by the way.

Starting off incredibly strong, AMC is showing Aliens (1986) at 10:00 AM. Do I really need to talk about Aliens?! It's fucking Aliens...'nuff said.

At 11:30 AM Pathfinder (2007) is on FX. I wanted to love this movie so bad, but I was kind of bored by it, maybe? I rented it from Netflix and I am pretty sure I didn't even make it all the way through. Such a promising movie and it looks great from the trailer, so maybe I need to try and give this one another whirl...lowered expectations and all. This could be my default pick of the week based on that criteria.



At 12:30 The Changeling (1980) is on IFC. In all honesty, I have never seen this movie and outside of George C. Scott, I know very little about it either. Should I feel shamed? I guess I should renege on my earlier pick of the day for Pathfinder and make it for The Changeling instead. After seeing this trailer, it isn't that hard of a decision anyways.



AMC skips an Alien and gives us Alien Resurrection (1997) at 1:00 PM. I haven't seen the fourth Alien in a long time, but I remember thinking it was a solid entry in the series. I have the box set, so I would rather watch it again that way so I can get through some of the extras that are included.

The Goonies (1985) is on TBS at 1:30. If you are in my age range, you can watch The Goonies every time it's on TV. Love The Goonies.

2:30 gives us Havoc (2005) on IFC. I have seen this movie a few times and I like it quite a bit. It's about two promiscuous honky girls that get in over their head, when they start hooking up with Latino gang bangers. It has a solid cast with Anne Hathaway, Bijou Phillips, Joseph Gordon-Levitt and a pre-Planet Terror Freddy Rodríguez and Michael Biehn. Watch this film if you want to see at least three of these actors naked!



Rounding out the afternoon, at 3:30 Mad Max (1979) is on AMC. The best of the trilogy, well, it's not hard to be better than Thunderdome, but that's besides the point. Mad Max is awesome and one hell of a way to end the hangover today.



Hope you're feeling a little better by this point, but if not, at least you had some good shit to choose from. Now go wash you dirty self up for crying out loud!